It was dark when she went running in the morning now. She felt like a knife, cutting through chill, black air. Two and a half weeks left until the Somerville Marathon. She’d have to get her speed up, but she was certain she could. She always had something in reserve.
She walked around to the front of the house to look in the garage for Cole’s Mustang. Still not there, poor guy. He’d gotten some sleep the night Kevin covered for him, but last night he’d been up and down. The phone woke her three times, and after the third call she heard him moving around his bedroom, talking with Estelle. Then his heavy footsteps on the stairs and the sound of his car starting in the still night, sputtering once before it turned over. She had lain in her bed, wishing she could go in for him, do whatever needed to be done at Blair. He’d changed in the past week. His face was lined and pinched, and his smile, when it was there at all, seemed forced.
She went upstairs, took a shower, and put on her bathrobe. The smell of toast and coffee filled the upstairs hallway. God, she was ravenous. She couldn’t stop eating these days. And she never gained an ounce.
She made herself smile at Estelle in the hall. “Cole’s had a rough few days, hasn’t he?” she said.
“Don’t you worry your little pea-brain about Cole,” said Estelle. “I’ll take care of him. Or do you think you could be doing a better job of it?”
Kit felt the hair on her neck rise. “I’m sorry I mentioned it.” She tried to walk past her, but Estelle caught her arm.
“You always have your nose in his business, don’t you?” she said. “Maybe you’d better concentrate a little harder on Sandy. How long do you think he’s going to stick around when you wear Salvation Army specials like this?” Estelle lifted the tie to Kit’s seersucker robe and dropped it as though it were infested.
Kit clenched her fists. “Do you want me to hate you, Estelle?”
“Though he’s quite a slob himself,” she continued as if Kit hadn’t spoken. “What’s it like to share your lover with other women?” she asked. “Aren’t you disgusted when you think of him being in someone else’s cunt just hours after he’s been in yours?”
“You are such a bitch.” Kit turned on her heel and escaped down the stairs, Estelle’s throaty laughter behind her.
She found Janni in the kitchen, laying another log on the fire.
“I hate that goddamn bitch!” Kit felt her whole body shaking. “You wouldn’t believe what she just said to me. How can Cole stand her?”
“Kit.” She saw the warning look in Janni’s face too late. Cole stood in the doorway of the pantry, a can of coffee in his hand, his eyes unsmiling.
Kit held up her hands. “Cole, I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “That wasn’t meant for your ears.”
“No, I’m sure it wasn’t,” he said, walking toward her slowly. She saw the dark circles under his eyes, the lines at the corners of his mouth. He set the can on the counter. “You’re always telling me how much you want to be her friend,” he said. “How hard you try. Is that just a line you’ve been handing me?”
“I have tried,” she said. “But it’s useless. She’s always putting me down.”
“Oh, poor Kit.” The sarcasm in his voice made her wince. “Tell her to leave you alone then. Where’s your backbone?”
“You’re the one without the backbone!” she said angrily.
“You guys,” Janni pleaded. “Don’t say things you’ll—”
“She lies to you and you swallow every word,” Kit said. “She has you wrapped so tightly around her little finger the circulation’s been cut off to your brain.”
“You’d better just shut up,” he warned.
“I’m sick of shutting up! We’re always protecting you, as though there’s some unwritten rule not to let you know what a malicious, conniving, backbiting wench she is.”
“Are you jealous of her, Kit? Is that it?” He was mocking her, coming way too close to the truth.
“No. It’s not just me. Ask anybody.” She glanced at Janni who was staring at them, wide-eyed and silent, a log still in her arms. “There’s so much tension when she’s in the house, I can’t stand it,” Kit continued. “Are you immune to it? Sometimes I don’t want to come home from work because I’m afraid she’ll be here.”
“Then don’t come home from work, if it’s so terrible for you,” he said. “Estelle’s been a part of this group a hell of a lot longer than you have, Kit. If you can’t stand being around her, maybe you’d better just move out.”
“Me move out!” Any second her voice would break. “I’ve contributed a lot to this household. What has Estelle contributed? Her good looks? She may be beautiful on the outside, Cole, but inside she’s ugly to the core.”
He shook his head slowly, his eyes hard. “I had no idea what a fucking bitch you can be.” He leaned toward her as though he wanted to make sure she heard him. “And you can go straight to hell for all I care.” He picked up the coffee can and walked back into the pantry.
He may as well have slapped her. Janni set down the log and walked toward her, one arm outstretched, but Kit shook her head. She needed to get out of the kitchen. Tears burned her eyes as she walked through the living room and up the stairs.
In her bedroom, she sat down on the window seat by the bay window, her arms wrapped around her knees as she stared at the water. A few boats were far out in the ocean. Her run on the beach that morning seemed like days ago.
Maybe you’d better move out.
She couldn’t get Cole’s words out of her mind. Maybe she should leave. The house had served its purpose for her. Her emotional strength was back. She no longer had any need to be coddled. And what good was she doing herself here? Every day she was pummeled by Estelle. And every day she was pulled deeper into this relationship with Cole, a relationship that promised to go nowhere.
There was a knock on her door and she didn’t bother to answer. Cole walked in and crossed the room, picking up her dressing table chair and setting it near her. She kept her gaze firmly fastened on the water.
“I’ve been kidding myself,” he said, his voice so flat that she had to look at him. “I keep pretending that she’s the old Estelle. She used to be so different. I wish you’d known her years ago, Kit.” A little sparkle came into his eyes, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. “Something’s not right with her,” he said. “I’ve known for a while but I’ve tried to ignore it. I didn’t realize how hard she’s been on you. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I tried to. You didn’t want to hear it.”
He was quiet. “I knew she could be very . . . well . . . cutting. But I didn’t think she was capable of being so vicious. Janni told me some of the things she’s said to you. I want you to know that I never said anything about what you and Sandy do in the privacy of your bedroom.”
She looked down at the window seat, played with a thread coming loose from the cushion.
“Do you think she’s crazy?” he asked.
“That depends on your definition of crazy. She switches from sweet to sour just like that.” She snapped her fingers. “And she’s certainly paranoid.”
He nodded. “Once during the summer she told me she felt desperate, or something like that.”
“She admitted it?”
“Yes, but I didn’t encourage her. It bothered me to hear her talk that way.”
“She needs help, Cole.”
“I know, but she’ll never agree to it. Maybe if I gave her an ultimatum. Either she gets into therapy or we split up, though I’m not certain I could hold to my end of the deal.”
“It might work. You’re the one thing that’s important to her.” She wondered where her kindness came from. She would just as soon see Estelle flattened by a bus as see her get better.
“Kit, I’m so sorry for the things I said downstairs. You’re the least bitchy person I know.”
“I’m sorry, too.”
“Don’t even think of moving out,” he said. “I’d hate it if you left.” He looked past her through the window, out to the ocean. “This has been a terrible month for me,” he said, “not that that’s any kind of an excuse for the things I said. But the unit’s a baby factory. I’m getting sued. I’ll probably lose the funding for the program. My mother has cancer. My father’s proved himself to be a Grade-A wimp. And my girlfriend’s a sociopath.” He looked at her. “And then I hurt my closest friend.”
He leaned forward to kiss her cheek, and she fought the urge to take his face in her hands and kiss him back, really kiss him. But it would be the last thing he needed right now. The last thing either of them needed.