It emitted a vibrating purr, so quiet and low I felt more than heard it. I tried to keep my body from shaking, my breathing steady, hoping that whatever it was would soon leave the way it had come.
Then came a meow.
Not a raccoon.
Not a skunk.
“Gabriel,” I said. “Is that you?”
I turned on the flashlight and there he was—my stray. I stroked his quivering body, so happy to see him I momentarily forget the predicament we were in. “Where did you come from? How did you find us?”
Joshua sat up and rubbed his eyes.
“Joshua. It’s Gabriel. He meowed.”
“Hi Gabriel,” Joshua said, and the cat lunged onto his lap.
“Happy Easter,” Veronica said.
“Already?”
She pointed at the lighted dial on her wristwatch. “Yep, two a.m.”
Easter Sunday, a day of celebration, commemorating the resurrection of Christ. Jesus had stepped out of his tomb and restored faith to his followers. Peter, for one, would never deny Him again. Yet, here we sat—in our own tomb of sorts—waiting. God, help us.
I aimed the flashlight at mural of hands and took slow, deep breaths, reminding myself to reach into the state of mind where solutions were possible. I imagined myself inhaling molecules exhaled by my ancestors, giving and receiving in a web of love.
“Sunwalker,” Joshua said again, like a one-word mantra, and I reached for his hand. Courage, I realized, wasn’t the absence of fear but knowing there was something—someone—else more important.
I had to stay strong for Joshua.
“It’s time we put some of Dr. Mendez’s breathing and meditating exercises to work, little man,” I said. “And since you’re more advanced than we are, you start, and Veronica and I will join in when we get the hang of it. Okay?”
Joshua nodded.
“According to Dr. Mendez, we’re beings without borders and that means everything, and I mean everything, is a seamless extension of everything else. Even this cave is alive and part of the whole. We’re like strands of a spider’s web. Touch one and affect all.”
“I suppose that means Joshua’s ring, my mouse totem, and your red boots are also alive and part of the whole,” Veronica said.
“Actually . . . yes.”
“Maybe a fella ain’t got a soul of his own, but on’y a piece of a big one,” Veronica said, quoting Steinbeck.
“That about sums it up,” I said. “Our totems are our symbols of faith and power, our access to our deeper selves.”
Joshua lifted his ring and pointed it at the wall of hands.
“Great,” Veronica said. “Now, he thinks the ring has special powers.”
“Who says it doesn’t?” I said, tapping my red boots together. “Every thought, every act has its image stored in the mind of nature, so it’s possible that images of the thoughts and actions of past visitors are stored here, maybe even in the wall of hands.”
“And we see these images how?” Veronica asked.
“Not we. Only a few people, like Joshua, have the ability to bypass the limited range of their senses and tap into the parallel Universe that surrounds us.”
Veronica blew out her breath. “Joshua looks like he’s in a drugged daze, and his lips are moving like he’s talking to someone.”
“He’s probably in a meditative state. We were supposed to join him, remember?”
“Go for it, Sis. I’ll stay on the alert for those two loose cannons outside who are probably about to do something stupid.”
“Where do you think they are?”
“Just beyond that screen of bushes and trees, our only way out of here, unless we suddenly turn into mountain goats.”
“Do you think they can hear us?”
“I doubt it, since we can’t hear them. Although, at this point, they probably don’t care what we’re saying or doing as long as we stay put.”
I closed my eyes and matched Joshua’s breathing, breath for breath, and just as my mind started to quiet and my thoughts to clear, the silence was broken by sounds coming from outside the cave. I turned off the flashlight and got to my feet.
Tommy Boy came in first, holding a lantern. Jake followed, carrying a rifle. His face, up-lit by Tommy Boy’s lantern, looked like a floating mask. His lips twitched. His eyes gleamed. I half expected a smile to burst forth on his face, followed by crazed laughter.
Instead, he said, “We’ve come for the kid.”
I glanced at Joshua. His breathing was slow, rhythmic, his gaze focused on the wall of hands, giving no sign he was aware of the mess we were in.
I should have left when I had the chance. What had my staying behind accomplished besides cutting off all chance of getting help? No way would I let Jake and Tommy Boy take the child. They’d kill him this time, or, at the very least, drive him over the edge. I had to do something. But what?
I focused on the wall of hands and again matched my breathing to Joshua’s. Reach into the state of mind where solutions are possible.
“What the fuck’s the matter with the kid?” Jake asked.
“He’s connecting with the spirits of the departed,” Veronica said.
“This fuckin’ cave gives me the creeps,” he said.
Waves of energy pulsed around and through me as though I were inside a giant womb rather than a cave made out of cold, hard rock. The hands on the wall began to throb, causing a disturbance that traveled longitudinally like a crowd-wave at a sporting event. I felt disembodied, almost dispassionate, as though observing a scene performed on a distant stage with actors who’d rehearsed their parts ad nauseam for the climax of the story—the point of no return. Help me. Show me what to do.
“Let’s grab the kid while he’s all docile and freaky,” Tommy Boy said.
“Or shoot him and let him out of his misery,” Jake said with a sick laugh.
A flickering light bathed Jake and Tommy Boy in a shimmering mist of gold. It was beautiful to behold, them standing below the glowing cathedral-like ceiling of the cave. I thought I heard singing but wasn’t sure.
“No,” I whispered, drawing on the hurt and pain they had caused and allowing it to fuel my resentment and fear. “They’re criminals. They’re scum. They don’t deserve the light. It isn’t fair.”
They are your brothers, a voice said, my beloved sons.
No, no, no, I thought, trying not to cry.
Then calm as you please, Gabriel padded up to Jake and rubbed against his legs.
Jake kicked him aside. “What’s the retarded cat doing here?”
As if in answer, my stray headed for the wall of hands.
I glanced at Jake. He was eyeing me strangely.
“You’re not Veronica,” he said.
I didn’t say a word, didn’t have to. He’d read the answer on my face in the flickering eerie light.
“Bitch.”
Every hair on my body seemed to stand on end, followed by a buzzing in my ears. He’s going to kill me. I’m going to die.
Jake smiled as if he knew exactly what I was thinking, then he cocked the rifle and pointed the barrel at my chest.
From deep inside, I whispered, “Not my will, but your will.”
In a sudden, fluid motion, Jake turned away from me and aimed the rifle at my sister. “I should have done this a long time ago.”
Oh, dear God, not Veronica. My heart pounded, drew the blood right out of my veins.
You of little faith, a voice said.
Looking at my sister, my chest swelled as if to make room for her inside. I loved her so much.
You must love your brothers as well.
I thought my heart would split due to the pulsing pressure building inside. Time stilled, or ceased all together. The weight of anger, mistrust, and doubt lifted from inside of me and wisped through the cave like a mini tornado.
I looked at Jake from behind different eyes. A voice I didn’t recognize as my own said, Jacob Neil Tritsman. What have you done?
The rifle jerked in Jake’s hands as he turned and aimed it back at me. “How’d you know my name?”
By this time, I had lost control of what I was saying. I was just a vessel channeling words through the unconscious. My precious, precious child.
“Shut up or I’ll shoot.”
Your papa can’t hurt you anymore. He has found peace. So have I.
“Momma?”
I’ve always loved you, my little hero. My protector.
“I’ve done bad things,” Jake said.
Yes.
“I’m a loser.”
No.
“What do I do?”
Free yourself. Start over.
“I’ll go to prison,” Jake said.
Enrichment will come back to you. Control your destiny.
“Too late,” he said.
It’s never too late.
“They’ll put me in prison,” he repeated.
The expression of fear and lost hope on Jake’s face made me want to reach out in compassion, as if he were Joshua, as if he were my own son. Who was I channeling? Jake’s mother? My mother? All mothers? You’re already in prison, Jake.
“I’ll be there for a long time,” he said.
You didn’t intentionally cause Paul and Theresa’s deaths.
“The drugs.”
The authorities will go easier on you if you share what you know.
“Why can’t I pull the trigger?” he cried.
Slowly, I came back to full consciousness, as if waking from a lucid dream. Jake is just a swirl of energy, I reminded myself, condensed, solidified. He and I, Tommy, Veronica, Joshua, and the cave, are all part of a whole, connected like strands of a spider web. Touch one strand and—
“The hands,” Tommy Boy shouted, pointing at the mural.
Everyone, including Jake, turned to face the wall. A mysterious form of energy highlighted the design of hands and refracted into the cave, flashing and whirling. The hands appeared to pulsate and cycle, giving the illusion of movement.
What were we seeing, hearing?
“Who’s there, Tommy Boy?” I asked.
“My mother.”
Joshua’s ring shot a lantern-like beam toward the wall of hands, and just like that, Ben’s Medicine Wheel teachings and Dr. Mendez’s quantum theories clicked into place as an unreal reality unfolded around me.
Creation is the transition of the invisible to the visible. In a universe where all things are interconnected, all consciousness is also interconnected and has an effect on the subatomic world. Each of us is the consciousness of mankind. We can tap into the consciousness of those who’ve been here before us.
Jake’s face no longer appeared crazed, as if he were sensing something, too.
I blinked, shook my head, and took command of the conversation between us. “Your mother was a blessed person, Jake.”
“She was,” he said, staring at the wall of hands.
“She wants you to put down the rifle and approach the wall,” I said with confidence, as though Jake’s mother were still channeling through me.
“I’m no Indian,” he said.
“We’re all linked to the unseen,” I said. “We’re all equal in our potential for love and forgiveness.”
Tommy Boy put down the lantern, edged forward, and pressed both hands against the mural. He closed his eyes and whispered, “Mama, Mama, Mama.”
“Accept the gift, Jacob Neil,” I said.
“My mother’s dead,” he cried. “My father hurt her.”
“And with her, part of you died, too,” I said. “Honor your mother by turning yourself in.”
“Do what she says, Jake,” Tommy Boy cried. “My mama’s here.”
“I’m a failure,” Jake said.
“Set yourself free, and you’ll never want to go back to the way you’re feeling now.”
He turned and stared at me, the rifle slack in his hands. “Where’s the light coming from? What is it? What’s happening?”
“All I know is that it exits,” I said. “And it becomes available to heal and generate happiness and joy. The answer will come, but it takes courage to let go and face the new.”
“It’s not that hard to hurt someone,” Jake said, his voice soft, almost kind. “Even kill someone. All it takes is one split second, one false move. And then, after billions of seconds of being a good, upstanding citizen, you become a felon. One split second. One false move. And then you’re in too deep and there’s no turning back. How close have you come to giving someone a little shove when standing next to him on a cliff? Would you pull the trigger if you were holding a gun? Would you kill me now if you had the chance? Would you kill me to save Joshua? Your sister? Yourself? Would you pull the trigger? If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll admit that you’re only one split second, one false move away from becoming a criminal. We’re not that different, you and I.”
Like the fire that had blazed through the Los Padres National Forest, Jake was burning the frameworks that imprisoned me—my limiting beliefs, my old patterns of thought—transforming them into blackened snags, a perfect habitat for the seeds of awareness buried deep inside to burst into life.
We’re not that different, you and I.
What, I wondered, would we do without our enemies?
“Did you kill your father?” I asked, prodded by an inner knowing.
“Why are you asking,” Jake said, “when you already know the answer?”
I said nothing.
“Just a little push was all it took, and just like that, he fell into the Pacific and was gone. Mom covered up for me, but I knew. I knew I was a criminal at ten years old”
A criminal at ten years old. What chance did he have?
“What’s your daddy like?” Jake asked suddenly. “I mean your real daddy, the one who left you behind to be raised by a total stranger. Bet he’s a real winner, your old man.”
We’re not that different, you and I.
Jake closed his eyes and dropped his head back. “What should I do, Mama. What should I do?”
“What does your heart tell you to do?” I asked, wondering yet again where the words were coming from.
“Jail.”
“A stepping stone to building your new life,” I said. “Even Jesus descended into hell for a time.”
Jake tucked the butt of the rifle under his right arm, made a half turn, and pressed his left hand against the hand of an ancient.
Before the possibility of doing so even crossed my mind, Veronica rushed forward, grabbed the barrel of the rifle, and yanked it from under Jake’s slackened grip. If I live to be one hundred, I’ll never forget the look she threw my way, one of relief, gratitude, victory—and love.
Then out of nowhere and from everywhere, disembodied voices reverberated within the chamber, blending into one emphatic cry. My children! The sound was high, weird, and powerful, like that of a hurricane-force wind. On hearing them, Jake seemed to lose all strength, or maybe the will to fight. He sank onto the cave floor and covered his face with his hands.
Veronica walked to the mouth of the cave, pointed the rifle into the air, and fired three shots. The sharp cracks of the discharges sounded through the rock shelter like the cracks of a bullwhip. And then came silence, a silence so complete that my ears ached as if caught in a vacuum.
When I looked at Veronica in stunned amazement, she winked and gave me a thumbs up. “That should do the trick.” Then she pointed the rifle at Jake and Tommy Boy, who offered no resistance.
New voices, men’s voices, some familiar, many not, screamed orders and called names from outside the cave.
We’re safe now.
I drew Joshua onto my lap, too dazed to question who was comforting whom.
“Are you okay?” Veronica asked from her position at the mouth of the cave.
I didn’t respond, didn’t dare move, didn’t dare hope. Instead, I started to laugh.
The cave filled with men in DEA jackets armed with searchlights, handguns, and rifles. The excitement was over, but the work had just begun. For one thing, arrests had to be made.
I heard someone call my name but couldn’t answer.
Veronica knelt beside me. “Hey, Sis.”
“They’ll arrest you,” I managed between giggles.
“Nah. I’m working with the DEA. Plan on making it my career. If they’ll have me.”
I laughed even harder.
“They sent me here to chum up with Jake and Tommy Boy, a little test to see if I pass muster.”
“Oh my God, I can’t believe this,” I stuttered.
“You were wonderful,” Veronica said. “I’m glad I was here to witness the awesomeness pouring out of you.”
I grabbed my stomach and leaned forward but couldn’t stop laughing.
Veronica grasped me by the shoulders. “Don’t whack out on me, Sis.”
“Josh!” Morgan called from the mouth of the cave.
“In here,” the child called back.
At the sound of Joshua’s voice, I stopped laughing and burst into tears. Get hold of yourself. Breathe, I told myself. But I couldn’t. It was okay to let go now. It was okay to laugh and cry as I’d never laughed and cried before.
Joshua wiggled out of my grasp and collided with Morgan as he entered the cave. Morgan crushed the child into an embrace that spoke more effectively than words the emotions he felt on holding his sister’s son for the first time.
Joshua, too, appeared to understand that Morgan was family, given the way he hugged his uncle with a fierceness I’d never seen him express before.
Then to my surprise, Morgan, with Joshua at his side, headed straight for Veronica, his gaze radiating concern. He kissed the top of her head, asked if she was okay, took her into his arms.
With my cheeks wet and sticky with tears, I started laughing again, wondering if I’d live through the pain.
Veronica’s bark of amusement made me wonder if we’d both gone insane. “Morgan, I’m Veronica.”
Morgan pulled back, frowned.
She pointed at me. “I know she looks like hell, but that’s Marjorie over there.”
Joshua grinned as if he found the situation highly comical after what we’d just been through, but Morgan stiffened and came toward me in what appeared to be slow motion, crossing the longest, short distance in the world.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop laughing.
Of course, Morgan hadn’t recognized me, wearing these god-awful skinny jeans and red boots. He ran his fingers through my hair, rubbed my arms, kissed my face, all the while whispering words of comfort. My laughter turned to giggles, then sobs, and while Morgan rocked me like a child, the sobs slowly ceased.
“I’m a farmer, not a hero,” he whispered, “an expert at working up and planting the ground but a failure at fighting evil or protecting you from it. When I heard you’d headed out on your own, I thought I’d lose my mind. Ben and I should’ve taken you with us. What was I thinking?”
“You were trying to protect me. Understandable, but I told you—”
“Yeah, that you could take care of yourself. You don’t know how many times I’ve reminded myself of that over the past forty-eight hours.”
The DEA agents had handcuffed Jake and Tommy Boy and were now leading them out of the cave.
“Your sister’s been helping the authorities,” Morgan said as he helped me to my feet. “She’s been working undercover.”
“I know. She just told me,” I said, finding it hard to talk with my throat raw from laughing and crying and my teeth chattering like a Yakity-Yak-talking-teeth toy. I tried to stand and my knees buckled. If Morgan hadn’t been supporting me, I would have slid to the ground. “How long have you known?”
“We’ve been working together for weeks,” he said. “You walked into a volatile situation. I tried to warn you, but you were drawn like a magnet.”
“Morgan. Your sister . . .”
“I know . . .”
“So, what took you so long?”
“You mean to go after Jake and Tommy Boy? Let’s get out of here. Then I’ll explain.” He turned to Joshua. “Let’s go, buddy.” Morgan took hold of one of the child’s hands, and I took the other. With Gabriel in the lead, we penetrated the veil between darkness and dawn and stepped out into the light.
Only when Joshua let go of our hands to retrieve the cat, did Morgan answer my question. “By the time I found out about Jake and Tommy Boy, it was too late to save Teri. Anyway, thanks to Veronica, they were already subjects of a larger investigation. As it turned out, they were only small fry.”
“Dangerous small fry,” I said, thinking of the damage they’d done.
Morgan nodded. “The DEA was just ‘shaking the trees.’”
“So, Jake and Tommy Boy would’ve been arrested one way or another,” I reasoned.
“That’s how I figured it. Either way, justice would be served.”
“Morgan. Joshua is your . . .” My voice caught and I could get no further. Tears welled in my eyes and threatened to blind me.
“I know,” Morgan said again. He bent and peered into the child’s eyes. “Josh, I’m your momma’s brother, your Uncle Morgan.”
It was surprising that I had any tears left, having cried more in the past few weeks than during my entire lifetime.
“I live on a farm,” Morgan said. “We’ve got cows, calves, bulls, and dogs. Would you like to come live with us?”
Joshua started to nod but caught himself and said, “Yes.”
If surprised at the sound of the child’s voice, Morgan didn’t show it. “Good. Then you can also meet your Opa and Oma. That’s Grandpa and Grandma in Dutch.”
“I don’t have to go back to the group home?” he asked.
“Only to say goodbye to your friends and get your stuff.”
“What about Marjorie?”
Morgan looked at me with those arresting green eyes, and my knees weakened again. “You’ll have to ask her about that.”
“Will you come live with us?” Joshua asked, testing the little strength I had left to deal with all the emotions I hadn’t been aware I possessed. I couldn’t smile due to the hurt in my heart.
“I don’t think that’s what your Uncle Morgan meant, honey, but I’d love to come and visit you.”
Joshua’s expression turned thoughtful.
Until now, I hadn’t had time to face the fact that I’d be losing him. I knew this happy beginning for Joshua marked a sad ending for me. He’d gained a new family and would eventually forget about me. How could I go on without him?
Not my will but your will. I had to do what was best for Joshua and that meant letting him go. I looked away and met Veronica eye-to-eye. “Someday I’ll forgive you for keeping this from me,” I said.
Veronica’s smile suggested a deep-rooted sadness. “Confiding in you would’ve been too risky. You would’ve given all away with that amazingly expressive face of yours. Never, I mean never, play a game of poker. Unless you plan to lose.”
I laughed, though not in the crazed way as before. “I’ll remember that, though I’ve learned a thing or two by watching you.”
“You mean, like how to fail?”
“You didn’t fail.”
“I miscalculated, Sis. I hadn’t counted on the rifle. It wasn’t even his.”
“All was as it was meant to be, Veronica. I was forced to stand up for the ones I loved.”
“It must have been the red boots,” she said with a full-fledged smile. And what a transformation. I had considered her beautiful before, but now she was stunning.
I’d received help in the cave, part of a mystery I would likely never be able to explain.
“Hey Vonnie,” Tommy Boy called. “Tell these guys we didn’t kill anybody. Tell them we’re your friends.”
“Poor bastards,” Veronica said under her breath. “I’ll see what I can do.”
Jake looked at me, then back at Veronica, and I pitied him. A lump formed in my throat and my eyes burned as I recalled the words of one of the voices in the cave: They are your brothers, my beloved sons.
“Don’t,” Morgan said, as though sensing my thoughts. “Because of them, Joshua lost his parents and couldn’t speak for nearly two years.”
One split second, one false move. We’re not that different, you and I.
“Yeah,” I said, silently vowing to pray for them.
Without warning, Joshua left our side and headed for Jake and Tommy Boy. I tried to stop him, but Morgan pulled me back. I held my breath and braced for words of accusation and hatred to spill forth by way of his newly awakened voice. Instead, Joshua said, “Mommy told me not to hate you anymore.”
Neither man spoke. Nothing more needed to be said.
“He’s not very good at hating,” I said, turning to my sister. And this time, I caught tears streaming down her face.
Up to this point, Ben had stayed in the background, but on seeing Veronica’s tears, he stepped forward and placed his hands on her trembling shoulders. “Good job,” he said.
She smiled, turned, and melted into his arms.
“You’re not going to leave us for Washington, are you?” I asked.
Veronica focused her cobalt gaze on Ben. “I’ve got some mighty good reasons for sticking around. Anyway, I promised to help you figure out what our mother’s trying to tell us. I think we’d make a great team.”
Morgan hugged Joshua to him with one arm and me with the other. “Let’s go.”
“Where’s Dr. Mendez?” I asked.
“After he informed us that you were headed for the cave, he decided to stay behind with Pete, said you’d know where to find him if you needed him.”
He’d always be needed, if not as a counselor, then as a friend. Instead of reducing my spirituality to the mind or to some meta-psychological theory, he had helped me heal and grow. He had guided me without killing the mystery, without closing the question.