Julia almost closed her eyes. If she had, maybe she would have careened off the highway. Maybe that would have been better. For her, at least, not the kids. For it was the thought of them that caused her to falter. Even with her eyes open, she saw it.
The scream came from Thomas as he was brought forth into this world by the hands of relative strangers. Evan was at home with her mother. Julia felt the pull, the need to reach out and snatch away her newborn son. He needed her. He was calling out for her. But she was in a bed, numb from her midriff down as it felt like her doctor and a resident were placing organs back into her abdomen.
“Michael,” she said, her voice weak from the epidural.
“I’m here,” he whispered.
She opened her eyes and looked up. His face hovered above hers. She felt his hand gently stroke the hair from her forehead.
“Is he okay?” she whispered.
His smile pushed away her fear, the pain, everything. It called his happiness out to the world. It embraced her, protected her, and let her know that their baby was more than fine. He was perfect, and loved, always.
“He’s awesome,” Michael said.
Julia barely heard a conversation about her incision and the minimal scar it would leave. For as the doctor spoke to her, a nurse spoke to Michael.
“Do you want to hold him?”
Michael paused, looking at her. The C-section had not been planned. Evan had been a natural birth. Immediately after the birth, they had put him on her bare skin. It was like his pink little fingers had reached in and held her soul. They were one from that moment on. No matter what.
Her husband paused because it wouldn’t be that way with Thomas. She could not hold him yet. And with his eyes, Michael was asking if it was okay. Could he do it? Should he do it? And she had never loved him more than that moment.
With barely a nod and a smile that could never match his, Julia gave him that gift. He turned, and the nurse put Thomas in his arms. The screaming stopped, and four wide-open eyes looked down at her. And she cried that day, but those tears were so different from the ones that owned her as she raced toward the ocean.