Wyatt loves getting breakfast in the hotel. I can’t afford to be staying here, but I also couldn’t bring myself to ask anyone else from the Phe-Moms to take us in and Hawk was right—there’s no way I would feel safe at my apartment right now. So here we are. Having an adventure. It’s a little pathetic that our hotel room is actually bigger than our apartment.
When I get to work, I see a call coming through from Erika, and I groan, knowing it’s just going to keep adding on to my tab with her. I’ll feel a little better when I get a contract to stay with the Forge permanently. It has to be coming—surely they’re excited about us making the playoffs like this. If I can just get that contract, I’ll feel secure taking the leap to sign a lease on a bigger place.
I nod my head, feeling good about that plan as I answer the call from Erika. She sounds out of breath.
“Lucy, I have some great news for you. I’ll get right to the point.” I grin. “I just got off a call with the assistant district attorney who’s handling Nick’s criminal case. They were able to move up the motions court to Friday.”
I freeze in my tracks in the hall outside my office. “Friday? Like tomorrow?”
“Yes! I don’t know what that man is thinking, but he’s putting in a motion to suppress the charges. I’m pretty confident this judge isn’t having it, Lucy. The D.A. confirmed that he was at your workplace the other day. Huge red flag. His lawyer is claiming he was there for a job estimate. That’s easily verified as false.”
I bite my lip. I’m not sure how to feel about any of this. Relieved seems like the wrong emotion. “So…if this suppression thing works, what then?”
Erika sighs. “Look, that is NOT going to happen. You have a witness who rescued your little boy from a hot car. They’re not going to throw those charges out, Lucy. They’re just not. But if he successfully argues to suppress the charges, then…” She sighs. “Yes, if that happens he’d get off and his family would double down on the custody crap.” I sink to the floor, my heart racing and my breath coming in gulps. “Lucy, I hear you panicking. I’m telling you, that is not going to be the outcome tomorrow. Your friend Patty has already been deposed. The judge has already seen all the pre-trial paperwork. This judge’s wife works at the Women’s Center as a pro-bono attorney for their clients. I assure you he sees through your ex and his parents and their ploys.”
I’m not sure what happens the rest of the day after I hang up with Erika. I know I get a text from Patty that she’s pumped to trash Nick in court. I know I walk out to the field with a whistle in my hand and I know a few hours later, I see a pile of sweaty soccer players collapsed on the field, but I have no memory of taking them through their workout.
At one point, I’m standing in the middle of my office staring at an empty whiteboard when Coach Todd clears his throat behind me. I turn to look at him. “Sorry. What?”
His face softens. “Lucy, if I might, you’ve been really off today. Something bothering you?”
I shake my head. “It’s nothing. I’m sorry. I didn’t sleep well last night.”
He makes a low growl sound. “Like I tell these boys every day, Lucy, I’m a fixer. Something’s wrong with someone on my team, and that includes my coaching team, and I want to hear about it and I want to help fix it.”
I blink away a tear and shake my head. “It’s something personal. But it’ll all be taken care of tomorrow.” I remember that I have to be in court at nine. “I’m…I’m sorry but I’ll have to miss the morning training session. I can send the plans to you and your assistants. Oh, god, the day before playoffs. Todd, I’m so sorry. But I have another commitment that I simply cannot reschedule.”
“Hey,” he rushes over and sets a thick hand on my arm. “Lucy, it’s okay. We’ve got this. Didn’t you say they’ll be peaking tomorrow? You’ve got them well trained, honey. The men will be fine.”
I look up to mutter some sort of thanks or an additional excuse but I see Hawk standing in my doorway behind Todd. His face is etched with concern. “Everything okay in here?”
I close my eyes and shake my head. “Todd was just checking in.” I wipe my eyes with the heels of my hands. “I was explaining that I won’t be at training tomorrow morning. Please extend my apologies to the rest of the team, Hawk.”
Hawk and Coach exchange a glance and I fumble with the dry erase marker in my hand. Todd squints his eyes and looks at Hawk. He says, to me, “Look, Lucy, I know you and Moyer have struck up a friendship. I’m going to trust that you’ll tell him what’s eating at you and he will in turn tell me if it’s something I need to know.” He pats Hawk on the arm and Hawk nods solemnly. Coach walks out of my office and shuts the door behind him.
Hawk crosses his arms over his chest and leans against my desk. “Lucy, what’s going on? You’re white as a sheet.”
I take a shuddering breath and tell him about court tomorrow, what Nick is trying to do, that Erika seems glad it’s happening quickly and not something the judge is drawing out. Hawk nods, clenching his jaw. “I want to come with you to court,” he says.
I gasp. “Hawk, no! It’s during training.” I shake my head rapidly. “Absolutely not. You cannot miss training for this. Erika says … just, no.”
He flings his long arms out wide, taking up all the space in the room. “Jesus Christ, Lucy, will you never, ever let me be there for you? Come the fuck on! You have to be in the same room as this monster and you think I’m going to miss that?”
I clench my teeth together. “Yes, Hawk, I do. Because you and I are not allowed to be together and because you are a professional athlete starting in a playoff game the following morning. And your performance on the field will help determine whether I keep this job and can pay rent in a better, safer home for me and my son.”
As I rant he steps closer to me. His face softens and he wraps his arms around me. “Okay, honey. I hear you.” I gasp. He tips my chin up with a gentle finger. “I hear you. But I’m sending my brothers to be there in my place.”
“What?”
He nods. “I’m sending my brothers. And they’re going to watch out for you for me. And they’re just going to be there in the hallway in case you encounter him and they’re going to make a human Stag fucking shield and if they need to, they’re going to ram their antlers into Nick’s eyeballs for me.”
I can’t help but laugh. “Did you say antlers?”
He smiles. “I’m still workshopping jokes about my brothers.” He pulls me into his arms and holds me until I actually do feel a little better.
When he leaves, the adrenaline returns. There’s no denying it: I am not okay. I am far from okay. I sit at my desk and close my eyes. I focus on my breathing, and it helps a little. But not enough.
I have to figure out what to do. I can’t go pick up Wyatt panicking like this. I can’t drive to my apartment to get nice things for court when I’m frightened like this. I can’t do anything right now. Not a damn thing! I feel helpless like I haven’t felt in a long time and before I know it, I’m sitting on the floor with my back against the wall, gasping for breath.
Time passes. I swallow and remember the support group I attended at the women’s center. The women there described similar waves of panic leading up to facing their abusers in court.
This is a normal response. I breathe slowly, like I coach the players to do when we’re cooling down. I think about the meeting, the women all curling their hands into tight fists like I had. Like I’m doing right now. I loosen my fingers. I think to what I tell the Forge players and I shake my shoulders, rolling them to loosen them a bit. My muscles relax.
I think back to the support meeting, trying to focus on my breathing while I remember what I learned there. The facilitator suggested bringing someone along to court, someone to be there in support—of me. The center offers advocates who do this, but I bite my lip, hesitating at the thought of a stranger being with me for such a thing.
I’ll have Patty with me tomorrow. Patty will be a strong, calming presence for sure. I remember that Hawk said his brothers will come to court. Tim is someone else who knows me, knows what’s going on. I will have people there with me. I don’t have to shoulder this alone. I am safe.
“I am safe,” I say again. I realize I have a few different people I could call right now, and they’d listen. And I’ve worked really hard to build those relationships. I start to cry, but this time it’s tears of relief. I stand up from the floor feeling better, feeling like maybe things are going to be okay.