INTRODUCING YOUR BUDDING BRAT

Of course your kid is the most precious creature in the universe, and of course you love her with every ounce of your being, and of course you revel in every amazing thing she does, especially those amazing things her peers are not yet doing, probably because they eat so many processed foods. But . . .

But have you noticed that your kid is developing a couple of habits that are a tad less than delightful? Maybe telling you what to do, like, a lot; maybe kicking you if you dare to disobey; maybe emitting loud and unrelenting shrieks at bedtime or in the checkout line or at a restaurant (or all of the above, hooray!). And not that you have any ambivalence about your kid’s wonderfulness, because she is totally special and extraordinary—but if you were to be one hundred percent honest, you might admit that, well, these habits are a teeny bit annoying. And that you and she might be a lot happier if she would cut it out.

I have two awesome pieces of news for you: One, you are absolutely right. And two, feeling this way does not make you a bad parent.

I realize you may have heard differently. I am aware that being a good parent has come to mean letting your kid do whatever she wants, and smiling beatifically as she runs amok. I am aware that your kid’s biting and hitting have been rebranded as avenues of self-expression. I am aware that telling your kid to stop finger painting the cat has become equated with crushing her creative potential forever and ever. I am even aware of the terrible consequences said to lie in store for the kid whose parent dares to tell her no: shredded self-esteem, a stunted capacity for attachment, self-destructive attempts to cope with existential angst that ultimately result in a stint on Teen Mom or—best-case scenario—the wait list at her first-choice college.

What I do not understand is why you believe this shit. Do you honestly think that beaming as your kid yells at you, forcing a laugh as she smacks you in front of your friends, earnestly asking about her “mad feelings” as she hurls her dinner plate at the wall, and letting her supplant your spouse in the marital bed is setting your kid on the path to a happy, healthy life? Are you sincerely convinced that your kid—the one who’s been screaming for ten straight earsplitting minutes—is so fragile that her entire future will be unhinged because you turned off Frozen and made her go to bed? And do you really want to live in a home where your role is not to parent and guide and teach your kid—but to attend slavishly to her every whim and desire?

If the answer to even one of these questions is no, this section is for you. In the following chapters, I’ll examine the not-so-charming behaviors emerging in your budding brat, exploring why your kid is acting this way, what her whining/clinging/refusing to sleep, etc., really mean, and how to respond calmly, lovingly—and extremely effectively. You’ll find plenty of pep talks to remind you who the actual boss should be in the relationship between parent and kid (hint: It’s not the one wearing size three Frozen underpants, unless you are a seriously kinky person), easy and practical guidance for redirecting your kid when she’s going completely off the rails, and insight on helping your kid deal with the chaotic and tumultuous emotions she’s experiencing as a toddler and preschooler. (These years aren’t exactly easy for her, either!) And while I make no guarantees—results may vary, and all that shit—this section will truly benefit your kid every bit as much as it benefits you, and your budding brat will be thrilled and relieved to realize that you love her enough to step up and teach her a better way. I almost promise.