YOUR KID BITES

When my son was three years old, he came home from preschool with a bite on his leg. Not an ant bite, but actual human teeth marks that reportedly belonged to a two-year-old classmate whom I’ll call Simon (because that was his name). Simon, I was told by my son’s teacher, was “having a hard time” adjusting to a new baby at home and was expressing his frustration by biting others. This news was delivered in a matter-of-fact tone vaguely infused with sympathy for Simon; of course, I was expected to agree, children bite when they are upset. Faced with an infant sister presumably much more adorable than his bitey little self, why shouldn’t Simon be soothed by chomping my son’s thigh?

Well, because you can’t go around biting people all the time, for one. What might appear an understandable and even reasonable—for a two-year-old, anyway—response when you are the biter’s family comes off as more like, oh, I don’t know, a possibly actionable assault when you are related to the bitee. There are certainly times most of us would not mind hauling off and slugging someone because they’ve annoyed us, or simply because we’re in a bad mood, but we manage to restrain ourselves and your kid should learn to do so as well.

And just as smacking somebody across the face might make us feel better in the very short term but won’t actually help us overcome whatever is bothering us deep down, your kid derives absolutely zero benefit from being allowed to bite with impunity. If your kid is expressing herself by biting, it means she is going through some pretty tough shit. And as much as you might like to imagine that you can shield your kid from experiencing fear, frustration, rage, and all those other unpleasant emotions, the fact is you can’t. It’s normal for children—even and maybe especially very young children—to feel this way from time to time; and it’s up to you, i.e., the adult, to teach your kid to deal with it without drawing blood.

How? First, stop the biting. If your kid sinks her teeth into somebody else’s skin, react immediately and strongly and unpleasantly. A bit of drama will serve you well—a horrified gasp, an extremely loud “no,” an abrupt and disorienting removal from whatever fun in which your kid had heretofore been participating. Assuming you are not descending into shrill hysterics or physically manhandling your child, don’t worry that she will be made unhappy by the proceedings; you are trying to sever the association between biting and an-easy-way-to-let-off-some-steam-and-get-some-enjoyable-attention, so that is actually the goal here.

Once your kid realizes that biting is going to create at least as many problems as it solves, you can do the tougher work of finding out what is really troubling her and helping her deal more appropriately—and effectively—with her emotions. A warning: This may be harder on you than it is on her. After all, parents want children to be happy and innocent, experiencing nothing but sunshine and dancing butterflies and locally sourced organic produce. The realization that your kid is on to the fact that the world sort of sucks is a painful moment. It may seem easier to bypass that moment and let your kid munch a pal rather than say, “Sometimes people bite when they feel sad. Even though it’s not okay to bite, it’s okay to feel sad. Let’s talk about it. When I feel sad, asking for a hug helps me a lot.” But refusing to acknowledge that your kid gets mad or scared or just plain down doesn’t make those feelings go away; it simply means that instead of teaching her less injurious and more constructive coping mechanisms, you’re effectively consigning her to becoming a habitual biter. Which is a rotten thing to do to a kid, even one whose saliva is dripping down my kid’s gouged forearm. I mean, yuck.

So what can you do instead? First, teach your kid to match up her feelings with words. Instead of trying to distract her from or coax her out of darker emotions, name them—“I said no when you asked for another cup of juice. You look really angry,” or “You must feel frustrated when I have to stop reading to you and take care of the baby”—and encourage her to do the same. Putting a name to the unfamiliar, scary sensations swirling around inside her is empowering for your kid; and if she can trust you to take her seriously and respond when she says, “I’m mad” or “I’m frustrated,” she will in time learn to express her emotions with speech rather than teeth.

And yes, I’m aware that talking it out is not always the best solution for an overwrought toddler or preschooler. But there is an awfully long continuum between heart-to-heart chat and cuspids-to-skin chomp, and surely one of the many nonviolent options along that line will resonate with your kid. Try setting up a yell corner where she can retreat and holler to her heart’s content when the mood strikes (preferably in a room with a door that closes), give her an old pillow to batter and hit, or keep on hand a “mad pad” and colored pencils where she can draw her angry feelings. As your kid gets older, she may even want to share and explain her “mad pad” art after she calms down—which can provide a possibly unsettling but still pretty awesome glimpse into her psyche and emerging personality.

Need I add a postscript that you should never join the ranks of idiot parents who earnestly advise you that the best way to curb your children’s biting is to “bite them back”? I mean, what the fuck? This is the sort of betrayal that may lie dormant for years, then resurface when young Miranda, no longer so young, is deciding whether you will live out your remaining days in the two- or the four-star nursing home. Don’t risk it.