EXAM

The centre curtain parts, revealing red backlight.

RICHARD

(a voice from hell) Mr. Dykstra.

TED

Oh God!

RICHARD

Welcome to your Conservatory of Music grade seven piano examination!

TED

Oh God!

Snap to reality.

RICHARD

Now, before hearing your repertoire of pieces and doing some ear testing and some theory, we’ll begin with the required technical elements of the examination. As I’m sure you’re both well aware of and well prepared for, this will include scales, arpeggios, chords, and such in a key of my choosing. And the special key that I have chosen for you today is… (TED crosses his fingers.) C sharp!

TED

Shit!

RICHARD

I’m sorry, Mr. Dykstra… did you say something?

TED

Sharp?

RICHARD

Yes. Sharp. We’ll begin with the C sharp major scale, parallel hands, four octaves, sixteenth notes and legato, when you are ready.

TED performs the scale well and quietly thanks God for his help.

Good. The formula pattern, please. (TED aces it.) Very good. The relative minor scale, please. (TED begins but RICHARD stops him.) One moment. One moment, Mr. Dykstra. You’re playing the harmonic minor.

TED

Yes?

RICHARD

How many minor scales are there, young man?

TED

Three.

RICHARD

And they are?

TED

Harmonic, melodic, and regular, I mean natural! Regular?!

RICHARD

So, if I ask you for the relative minor scale of a given major key, the scale that I want has the same accidentals as its relative major, which would be?

TED

Oh. Just the natural minor scale?

RICHARD

Of course.

TED

You want me to play the natural minor scale first?

RICHARD

Absolutely.

TED

Okay.

RICHARD

Didn’t your teacher explain this to you?

TED

I’m sure he must have.

RICHARD

Proceed.

TED plays well until the very last chord.

An interesting variation. The C sharp major arpeggio, please.

TED plays it well.

Relative minor arpeggio… in tenths.

TED

Sorry?

RICHARD

The relative minor arpeggio in tenths.

TED

In tenths?

RICHARD

Yes.

TED

You mean a tenth apart?

RICHARD

Yes.

TED

Is that in the syllabus, sir?

RICHARD

I wrote the syllabus.

TED

Oh you’re that guy!

He sort of attempts the arpeggio. RICHARD writes while “tsking.”

RICHARD

The C sharp major arpeggio again, please. Contrary motion this time.

TED

(TED looks very uncomfortable.) Contrary motion arpeggio? (RICHARD nods.) So… the one hand would go the one way and the other hand would…

RICHARD nods. TED looks at the keyboard.

Oooh, I don’t think so, sir!

RICHARD

Mr. Dykstra, did you practise those at all?

TED

No, sir, I did not.

RICHARD

And why not?

TED

I did not know I had to, sir.

RICHARD

Who is your teacher, young man?

TED

Mr. Berkoff.

RICHARD

Ah. “One-bit-two-bit-three-bit” Berkoff. Mr. Dykstra, I must tell you how very disappointed I am with how under-prepared you are in this area.

TED

Well, that would make two of us.

RICHARD

However, I am not going to blame you. Do you know that I can tell by the time a student has played one scale whether or not they have talent?

TED

Oh boy.

RICHARD

You, Mr. Dykstra, you have talent.

TED

Oh boy.

RICHARD

What you do not have is a good teacher. And what you will not get on this examination… is a high mark. You are on the verge of graduating to a whole new level with your music. Soon you will be playing pieces by the masters, which will excite and challenge you in ways you’ve never dreamed. (TED sighs.) Now, my advice to you is that after this examination is over, you have a long chat with your parents and seriously consider changing teachers.

TED

You mean just dumping Mr. Berkoff?

RICHARD

Basically yes.

TED

I’ve been with Mr. Berkoff my whole life. I like Mr. Berkoff.

RICHARD

And I like him too, but he can’t help you anymore. Mr. Berkoff is fine for beginners or young people who are not serious about playing well. (beat) Mr. Dykstra, are you serious about playing well?

TED

Yes.

RICHARD

Good. Now, I can give you the names of some excellent teachers or, who knows, maybe I’ll even take you on myself. (TED laughs nervously.) However, if you would like to achieve excellence, you will “dump” Mr. Berkoff and as soon as possible. (beat) Now, let’s move on to some ear testing, shall we?

Shift to TED as the instructor. TED stands and plays a C major chord.

TED

Sing this back to me. (He plays a short melody; RICHARD looks down.) Without looking at the keyboard.

RICHARD sings back the melody.

Shift to RICHARD as the instructor. RICHARD stands and plays a D minor chord.

RICHARD

Clap this back to me. (TED begins to clap and stomp.) Not with your feet, just with your hands.

Shift to TED as the instructor. TED stands and plays an E minor chord.

TED

What is the relative major of E minor? (RICHARD looks down.) NO LOOKING AT THE KEYBOARD!

RICHARD

(to himself) Baruch atah Adonai… G major!

Shift to RICHARD as the instructor. He stands and plays an F minor chord.

Sing a perfect fifth above this note.

He plays a G and TED begins to hum the scale.

Not the notes in between, just the note! (TED sings the note.)

Shift to TED as the instructor. He stands and plays an A minor chord.

TED

What is the sub-dominant of A? (RICHARD counts on his fingers.) No counting! (RICHARD looks down.) No looking at the keyboard!!

RICHARD

D!

Shift to RICHARD as the instructor. RICHARD stands and plays a G major chord with a B bass.

How many flats are there in C flat major?

TED

Seven.

RICHARD

And they are?

TED

Battle Ends And Down Goes Charles’ Father.

RICHARD

(overtop of TED) no!! Just the letters!!

TED

B-E-A-D-G-C’s father—F.

Shift to TED as the instructor. TED stands and plays a C major chord.

TED

Name Beethoven’s nephew.

RICHARD

Name Beethoven’s nephew?

TED

Name Beethoven’s nephew. (RICHARD looks down.) Without looking at the keyboard!!

TED picks up the clipboard.

Stand over there.

RICHARD crosses to the spotlight downstage centre.

Beethoven’s nephew?

RICHARD

(a wild guess) Uh… Fred?

TED

Correct. (RICHARD, amazed, grins.) Johann Sebastian Bach dates?

RICHARD

1685 to 1750.

TED

Mozart dates?

RICHARD

1756 to 1791.

TED

Beethoven dates?

RICHARD

1770 to 1827.

TED

Three of Bach’s offspring who became composers?

RICHARD

Carl Philipp Emanuel, Johann Christian, and… Fred?

TED

Nice try. Name a Finnish composer.

RICHARD

Sebelius.

TED

Norwegian composer?

RICHARD

Grieg.

TED

Polish composer?

RICHARD

Chopin.

TED

Hungarian composer?

RICHARD

Bartók.

TED

Italian composer?

RICHARD

Vivaldi.

TED

American composer?

RICHARD

Ives.

TED

German composer?

RICHARD

Bach.

TED

(quickly) Another one?

RICHARD

Beethoven.

TED

Another one?

RICHARD

Handel.

TED

Another one?

RICHARD

Strauss.

TED

Another one?

RICHARD

Brahms.

TED

Russian composer?

RICHARD

Rimsky-Korsakov.

TED

(quickly) Another one?

RICHARD

Stravinsky.

TED

Another one?

RICHARD

Shostakovich.

TED

Another one?

RICHARD

Tchaikovsky.

TED

Another one?

RICHARD

Khachaturian.

Beat. RICHARD is quite pleased with himself.

TED

CANADIAN COMPOSER? (big blank from RICHARD) CANADIAN COMPOSER? (blank) What’s your nationality, young man?

RICHARD

Canadian.

TED

And you don’t know a single Canadian composer… well, well.

RICHARD

Do you?

TED

That’s hardly the point.

RICHARD

Shaffer!

TED

First name?

RICHARD

Paul.

TED

That’ll do.

RICHARD

Yes!

TED

Allegro?

RICHARD

A fast-ish tempo.

TED

Adagio?

RICHARD

A slow-ish tempo.

TED

Allegretto.

RICHARD

A little allegro…

TED stops and looks at RICHARD.

TED

Andante?

RICHARD

A moderate walking pace.

TED

Lento?

RICHARD

Slow.

TED

Presto?

RICHARD

Fast.

TED

Molto con brio.

RICHARD

Much with brio, bubbly like the Italian soft drink…

TED stops again to look at him.

TED

Ritardando?

RICHARD

Getting slower.

TED

Crescendo?

RICHARD

Getting louder.

TED

Rallentando?

RICHARD

Held back.

TED

Rubato?

RICHARD

In robbed time.

TED

Tenuto?

RICHARD

Held.

TED

Ornamente?

RICHARD

Ornamentally.

TED

Tranquillemente?

RICHARD

Tranquilly.

TED

Appoggiatura?

RICHARD

It’s a little grace note.

TED

Acatchitura?

RICHARD

Gezundheit.

TED

Thank you.

RICHARD

You’re welcome. (They share a puzzled look.)

TED

Mezzo forte?

RICHARD

Medium loud.

TED

Forte?

RICHARD

Loud.

TED

Fortissimo?

RICHARD

Very loud.

TED

Fortississimo?

RICHARD

Very, very loud.

TED

Fortissississimo?

RICHARD

Very, very, very, loud.

TED

Fortississississississi—

RICHARD

(counting) Very, very, very, very—

TED

Staccato?!

RICHARD

Off.

TED

Legato?

RICHARD

Smooth.

TED

Agitato?

TED throws the clipboard away.

RICHARD

Agitatedly.

TED

Appassionato!!

RICHARD

PASSIONATELY!!

TED

MAESTOSO!!

RICHARD

MAJESTICALLY!!

TED

POLONAISE!!

RICHARD

IN THE POLISH WAY!!

TED

HOLLANDAISE!!

RICHARD

IN THE DUTCH WAY!!

TED

MAYONNAISE!!

RICHARD

IN THE CLUB SANDWICH!!

TED

BAGATELLE!!

RICHARD

IT’S A LITTLE BAGEL!!

TED

ETUDE!!!

RICHARD

IT’S WHAT CAESAR SAID TO BRUTUS!!!

They look at their hands and begin to move away from each other.

BOTH

AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

When they reach the edge of the stage the lights change and they turn to face each other, biting their nails.

At the Tarragon Theatre, 1996.

Photo by Beatrice Campbell.

NERDS

RICHARD

Hi, Teddy.

TED

Hi, Ricky.

BOTH

How ya doin’? Fine. I haven’t seen you since last year. (nerdy laugh)

RICHARD

So have you finished signing up for the competition yet?

TED

Yup.

RICHARD

Me too. So, what classes are you entered in this year?

TED

Oh boy… there’s the Bach Twelve-and-Under Two Part Inventions.

RICHARD

Oh really? Me too. (They both laugh nerdily.) Which one are you playing?

TED

C major.

RICHARD

Oh yeah. (They both sing a bar or two.)

TED

You?

RICHARD

F major.

TED

Oh sure… (They both sing a bit.) What else?

RICHARD

Twelve-and-Under Chopin Waltzes.

TED

Really? Me too. (They laugh.) Which one?

RICHARD

Number ten. (They sing it.) You?

TED

Number three.

RICHARD

Oh yeah. (They sing it.)

TED

Haydn Sonata?

RICHARD

No, actually.

TED

No?

RICHARD

No.

TED

No?

RICHARD

No.

TED

Oh.

RICHARD

My teacher says that the sonata they chose for the competition this year is not one of Haydn’s better sonatas. I’m doing Contemporary Music instead.

TED

Oh really. I prefer music that has a melody. (They both sniff.) Oh. I’m also in the Sixteen-and-Under Concerto Class.

RICHARD

The Bach D Minor?

TED

The Bach D Minor, yup.

RICHARD

Oh really?

TED

Yeah.

RICHARD

(beat) Me too.

TED

Oh really? (Pause, then they both laugh warily.) Have you memorized it yet?

RICHARD

Pretty much. Listen, how fast are you playing it?

TED

Oh I don’t know…a hundred and four, hundred and eight BPMS. You?

RICHARD

A hundred and twelve.

TED

Well sure, I tried it that fast but my teacher says it’s too fast. (They both sniff.)

RICHARD

Well, one of us is bound to win.

TED

One of us always does.

RICHARD

(with horror) Except for last year.

TED

(with the same horror) Oh yeah… that little eight-year-old Chinese girl.

BOTH

Thank God she moved away.

TED

Well, good luck to you.

RICHARD

(They shake hands.) Yeah, you too.

TED

And I really mean that.

RICHARD

You know… I don’t care if I don’t win—

BOTH

—as long as I do my best.

TED

And as long as you don’t do your best. (TED laughs.) That’s a good one. (TED laughs.) Well. Happy practising.

RICHARD

Contradiction in terms. (They both laugh.)

BOTH

That’s a good one.

They both sniff and turn away biting their nails.

They look back at one another and then quickly run to their pianos to get the Bach D Minor out of their benches. They are now in their own separate worlds.

TED

I can’t believe he’s in that class.

RICHARD

Oh my God, I better get to work.

TED

The only reason I signed up for the Bach D Minor was because I didn’t think he would be in it.

RICHARD begins to practise as TED flips through the music.

It’s sixty-seven pages long!! (TED plays.)

RICHARD

Oh yeah! Like someone could actually play this?! (RICHARD plays.)

TED

Houston, we have a problem. (TED plays.)

RICHARD

(looking to the heavens) Thanks a lot, Mr. Bach!

BOTH

HELP!!

And they play a final crashing chord together—blackout.

Interval.