ACT II

LESSONS II

In the dark we hear TED playing Chopin’s Prelude in D Flat Major.

The lights come up slowly. After about two minutes RICHARD enters and begins his instruction…

RICHARD

Much better, Teddy. But… she’s still dreaming… And here she takes a deep breath… (He does.) And now she’s going to wake up! (He does.) And she checks on her baby. Shhh, we don’t want to wake the baby, do we?

TED

(under his breath) Nooo…

RICHARD

But the baby is fine. And so… she falls back… to sleep. (The piece ends.) Oh. Now isn’t that so much better, Teddy?

TED stands, looks at RICHARD, is about to say something but can’t, and exits.

RICHARD sits to his piano and plays “Leyenda” by Albéniz.

After about a minute he begins to hunch over the keyboard—TED enters and stands behind RICHARD. He takes ten or twelve hairs from the crown of RICHARD’s head between his thumb and forefinger, pulling RICHARD up like a marionette into a more proper position. TED lets go and RICHARD hunches over again, playing all the while. TED straightens him again. RICHARD finishes a passage.

TED

Don’t sit in it. Go right through.

RICHARD continues. He begins to moan—TED puts his hand over RICHARD’s mouth.

RICHARD lowers himself to the keyboard once again. TED crosses to his piano.

Sit up, Richard! You’re not Glenn Gould!!

RICHARD plays the final chord of the piece and TED sits down at his piano.

TED plays the end of Chopin’s Rondo for Two Pianos, Four Hands. RICHARD crosses over to TED. RICHARD speaks with a French accent.

RICHARD

Mais Théodore! Qu’est-ce que tu fais?

TED

What do you mean?

RICHARD

Why do you play these arpeggios avec une main… with one hand?

TED

Well, that’s how it’s written, M. Franck.

RICHARD

And where does it say that?

TED

Well… it doesn’t exactly say that, but it doesn’t say not to play it with one hand.

RICHARD

écoutes, Théodore! There is only one thing that matters when you play the piano… the sound. When you play the arpeggios with one hand, you cannot play them beautifully, all you can do is show you can play them with one hand.

TED

My old teacher told me expressly to play arpeggios with one hand.

RICHARD

And who is this?

TED

Mr. Scarlatti.

RICHARD

L’italien?

TED

Yeah.

RICHARD

Oh cochon!! écoutes, Théodore, do not listen to this macho macho man. The piano is like a woman. (TED grins.) You like the women, non? Ah oui, Théodore, I can see you do.

TED

M. Franck…

RICHARD

And when you make love to a woman… do you use only one hand?

TED

I don’t know.

RICHARD

Theodore, you do not. You make love to her with every part of your body.

TED

Okay.

RICHARD

You make love to her with your eyes, you make love to her with your lips, you make love to her with your fingertips—of both hands. You caress her. (He plays the arpeggio.) You stroke her, (He plays the arpeggio.) and you will make the most beautiful music together. Play, Theodore. Play the arpeggios with both hands.

TED plays the arpeggios with both hands.

TED

OOHHHHH YEAH!

RICHARD sits at his piano and plays Schumann’s Fantasiestücke No. 2. TED marches over and begins barking instructions. TED speaks with a German accent.

Tempo! Tempo! (He claps.) Where is the melody? Those are sixteenth notes, ja??!

RICHARD

Yeah!

TED

Separate them! Lift und separate! Lift me up! Sing!

A bewildered RICHARD starts singing loudly as he plays.

Not you sing, the music sing!! I want you to make me feel like I’ve never been loved—

RICHARD stops playing and looks at him.

Never mind!

TED sits at RICHARD’s piano and plays a portion of Beethoven’s Pathétique Sonata.

RICHARD picks up TED’s right hand and shakes it. TED continues playing. RICHARD picks up TED’s left hand, shakes it, slaps it to loosen it, and pats TED on the back. TED continues nervously waiting for the next time. RICHARD reaches for TED’s right hand and TED leaps up…

TED

DON’T TOUCH ME!!!

RICHARD sits at his piano and plays the same passage from the Chopin Rondo except with two hands. TED picks up his pile of music books and walks slowly to downstage centre, drops the books, and lies down. RICHARD finishes. TED speaks with an Italian accent.

TED

Ricky, Ricky… what you do, enhh?

RICHARD

What do you mean, Mr. Scarlatti?

TED

Why do play those arpeggios with-a two hand?

RICHARD

I don’t know, I just thought it’d be easier. That’s okay, isn’t it?

TED

No, it’s not okay. Where does it say in-a da music, “Hey, use-a two hand here, it’s-a easier?!” Enhh? Where does it say that?

RICHARD

Well, it doesn’t actually say that, but it doesn’t say not to play them with two hands either.

TED

Ricardo, Ricardo. You gonna go to the music camp this summer, eh?

RICHARD

Yeah.

TED

You gonna be one of two hundred young people from around the world?

RICHARD

Yeah.

TED

You know… (getting up) You know who’s gonna be there?

RICHARD

Yeah. Some of the best kids and teachers from around the world. From China, Russia, all over Canada—

TED

Sure, sure. Never mind. There’s gonna be chicks! You like-a the chicks?

RICHARD

Well, I don’t get out much.

TED

But you like-a the chicks?!

RICHARD

Oh yeah!

TED

That’s a good boy. And the chicks, you think they like-a the guy with the crossover fou-fou Liberace hands—enh? With the diamond ring and the poodle and the tv show, enh? No! They like-a the man. They like-a the real man! They like-a the man who play the arpeggio with-a one hand. Say, “Hey, I’m no sissy boy.” (He plays the arpeggio with one hand.) I’m a man. I’m a real man!

RICHARD

Wow!

TED

You wanna have a good time this summer?

RICHARD

Oh yeah.

TED

You want to get-a the chicks?

RICHARD

Oh yeah!

TED

Then you listen to Mr. Scarlatti. (He whistles.) Play the arpeggio always with-a one hand.

TED crosses to his piano. RICHARD plays an arpeggio, tries to be debonair.

RICHARD

Hi there! My name’s Richard—what’s yours? (plays) I’m from Montreal—where are you from? (plays) Did you notice that I play my arpeggios (like Mr. S.) with-a one hand?!

TED and RICHARD play the end of the Chopin together.

On stage at the Panasonic Theatre, Toronto, during Ted and Richard’s farewell tour, 2011.

Photo by Rick O’Brien.

DAD / SON II

TED plays the second movement of Beethoven’s Pathétique Sonata as RICHARD listens. RICHARD flicks a switch. Light floods into the room.

RICHARD

Ted.

TED

Dad.

RICHARD

You’re playing very beautifully these days, son.

TED

Thanks.

RICHARD

You know, when that adjudicator said that you were the reincarnation of Chopin, it made me very proud.

TED

Thanks, Dad, that means a lot to me.

RICHARD

Ted, I was wondering if I could have a word with you.

TED

Can this wait?

RICHARD

No, I’m sorry, it can’t wait.

RICHARD takes TED’s music off the stand.

TED

What are you doing? Don’t!

RICHARD

Ted, I’m a little concerned about you.

TED

Concerned what?!

RICHARD

Well, you’re spending all your time cooped up in here practising the piano. You don’t have much of a social life, you have very few friends…

TED

What are you talking about?! That’s not even true. What about Jonathan, my duet partner? Or the Monday night ear-training parties at Mr. Geizeking’s?

RICHARD

Yeah, Ted. I’m talking about non-music-related friends. Do you have any non-music-related friends?

TED

Why?

RICHARD

Because there is a world beyond the piano. What about sports, huh? You used to love playing hockey and baseball…

TED

Dad, I hurt my fingers. I couldn’t practise for two weeks! I almost missed the festival!

RICHARD

Well, there must be one sport that won’t hurt your little fingers?!

TED

Well, I don’t like Ping-Pong, what do you want me to do?

RICHARD

Ted, you gotta get outside more. When was the last time you were outside in the sun?

TED

This morning when I went to my lesson.

RICHARD

I’m talking about a non-music-related activity; when was the last time you even took part in a non-music-related activity?

TED

Why?

RICHARD

Because you’re becoming obsessive. I don’t think it’s healthy—

RICHARD plays “Chopsticks”—TED interrupts by placing his hands on the strings.

TED

Dad! Get to the point, okay. I’m busy here.

RICHARD

All right. The point is your grades are slipping.

TED

That’s the point of this?! We’re going to do this now?!

RICHARD

You bet your little cotton socks we are.

TED

I’m in the middle of—

RICHARD

Ted, you used to be an honours student, now you’re barely passing.

TED

Sixty-five is not “barely passing,” for starters!

RICHARD

It is in my books. Now the only reason you’re not still getting eighties is because you’re spending all your time at the piano.

TED

That’s what it takes at this stage of the game, Dad.

RICHARD

Well let me remind you what it takes to get into a good university at this stage of the game…

TED

I don’t need to be reminded…

Then simultaneously…

TED

…what it takes to get into a good university, Dad! Please help me Lord! Excuse me…

RICHARD

Ted, it takes two to three hours a day of homework… it takes serious studying at exam time and, Ted, those aptitude tests—

TED

Excuse me! (beat) I’m not going to go to university.

RICHARD

(laughs) Ted, what are you talking about?

TED

I don’t need high marks in high school, Dad.

RICHARD

Says who?

TED

Says Mr. Geizeking, for one.

RICHARD

Mr. Geizeking said that?

TED

Mr. Geizeking said that.

RICHARD

What else did Mr. Geizeking say?

TED

He said even high school is basically non-essential.

RICHARD

Oh, he did, did he?

TED

I’m going to be a professional musician, not a brain surgeon.

RICHARD

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second here. When was this decision made?

TED

A long time ago.

RICHARD

Well you can’t make a decision like that just like that.

TED

I can so.

RICHARD

You cannot.

TED

I can so!

RICHARD

You cannot!

TED

It’s my life!

RICHARD

Not yet it isn’t!

TED

Mr. Geizeking said Juilliard will accept anyone if they’re good enough regardless of their academic background.

RICHARD

Well Mr. Geizeking is not your father, I am.

TED

Don’t I know it.

RICHARD

(beat) All right. All right, you want to try to become a professional musician—

TED

You see, Dad, right there! I don’t want to try to become anything, I’m going to be a professional musician. That’s what I’m going to do.

RICHARD

Fine. Then you’re going to do it properly. You’ll get into a top-notch university—

TED

I highly doubt it.

RICHARD

—and then you’ll get a degree so that you’ll have something to fall back on.

TED

I don’t want anything to fall back on.

RICHARD

Ted. The music business is highly competitive. I mean, what happens if you’re not good enough to make it? What are you going to do—work in a piano bar? (He laughs.)

TED

I don’t know. What would you like me to do, Dad? You want me to base my whole life’s plan on the fact that you think I’m going to fail at the one thing that I really love and that I’m really good at? Is that what you want me to do? (beat) Then I’d end up just like you.

RICHARD

I’m a failure?

TED

I didn’t mean it like that—

RICHARD

I just started with nothing—

TED

I know you did, Dad—

Then simultaneously…

TED

—it’s just that you’re always saying that you never got to do what you wanted to do and you had to give everything up so that you could give us all the things you never had, and that’s not something that I’m interested— You don’t listen to what I say anyway!

RICHARD

—and I built up a business to the point where I’ve been able to provide for my family all these years, that’s all. To pay for the best and the most expensive piano teacher in this city—Mr. Geizeking.

RICHARD

To buy you a goddamned grand piano!

TED

Well you’re my father, that’s your job!

RICHARD

(beat) You live in my house.

TED

Oh God.

RICHARD

You eat the food I buy. You live the privileged life that I’ve—

TED

Privileged?! Oh this is the privileged life, is it?

RICHARD

(pause) Yes. Yes it is. You spoiled brat. (beat) Now, you are going to get an eighty percent average, you’re going to go to a good university that is…

TED

(as RICHARD continues over top) I don’t have to go to university if I don’t want to—

RICHARD

…mutually agreed upon by the both of us, or else there will be no more music in this house. Do you understand me, TED? No lessons. No Mr. Geizeking and his Monday night ear-training parties. No piano at all. I’ll sell the goddamned thing. (TED starts to speak but RICHARD cuts him off) That’s it! End of discussion! Case closed.

RICHARD slowly crosses to his piano, unhappy with how that all went.

PRACTISE II / DIVERSIONS

TED begins to angrily practise the Mephisto Waltz by Franz Liszt. He stops.

TED

Oh yeah. Me and whose army?

RICHARD begins to practise the Chopin’s Ballade No. 2 in F Major. He stops playing and looks to the heavens.

RICHARD

Thanks a lot, Mr. Chopin!

TED

(continues with the Mephisto Waltz) Help me, Rhonda.

RICHARD

(continues with Chopin Ballade) Aaarrgh!!

He stops playing and picks up the music.

How are you supposed to make your fingers do that?!

TED continues with the Mephisto Waltz—then hurts his hand and begins banging the piano. He stops on a chord… repeats it five more times, and breaks into a pop song based on that chord.

RICHARD continues with his practising.

Come on!

He plays some more then stops and looks at his hand.

Come on!

He continues and suddenly recognizes a melody… RICHARD plays a song based on that melody.

TED and RICHARD play through a selection of several pop tunes.

Finally, TED is playing a ’50s rock-and-roll solo, including the trademark kicking back the bench and playing while standing. RICHARD crosses over to TED and puts his hand on the piano…

At the Great Canadian Theatre Company, Ottawa, during the first Canadian tour, 1996.

Photo by Beatrice Campbell.

CONSERVATORY / HITTING THE WALL

…TED falls to the ground in shock.

RICHARD

What are you doing?

TED

I was just practising. While I was waiting for you. And I started to fool around a little bit.

RICHARD

For your information, that kind of fooling around is not allowed anywhere in this conservatory. What we do here is practise, perfect, and perform music. Serious music.

TED

I know that, sir. I was aware of the rules and I don’t have an excuse. I’m terribly embarrassed at the moment and I can only promise you that it will not happen again.

RICHARD

(beat) Very well. This is the second half of your audition into the conservatory, yesterday’s recital being the first. Today what we’ll do is we’ll chat for a bit. I’ll test your ear and your rhythm, and then I’ll give you some feedback from your recital yesterday, okay?

TED

Cool.

RICHARD

(rolling his eyes) Let’s start with why you want to become a classi—do you want to become a classical musician?

TED

Yes, sir, of course I do.

RICHARD

Why?

TED

Well, I think it’s what I do best. A lot of people have encouraged me in this direction; I think it’s what I want to do with my life.

RICHARD

You think?

TED

No, I mean I know. I see what you’re trying to do here, sir.

RICHARD

What am I trying to do here?

TED

Trying to test my confidence level.

RICHARD

I don’t think you have a problem in that area. And what kind of music do you like best?

TED

Composers?

RICHARD

Okay.

TED

Well I’d have to say that the top three for me without a doubt are Bach, Beethoven, and Mozart.

RICHARD

And why are they your “top three”?

TED

There’s a lot of reasons. I think each one of those three guys changed totally what came before, they didn’t follow anyone else, they broke new ground, they inspire me personally.

RICHARD

They inspire me as well.

TED

Cool. (Another eye roll from RICHARD.)

RICHARD

And where do you see yourself in say, ten years, as a classical pianist?

TED

Well hopefully I’ll be touring. Soloist. Soloist.

RICHARD

And if I were to say to you that you’re not good enough to be a soloist? That the best you could hope for is to be an accompanist, or a teacher? Would that change your mind about wanting to come here?

TED

(beat) No, sir. I see what you’re trying to do here; but I’m not afraid, I know I can do it.

RICHARD

Very well. Let’s move on to some ear testing, shall we?

TED

Cool.

RICHARD

I’ll play some intervals and you tell me what they are, please. Turn around, Mr. Dykstra—you can see the hammers from there.

TED reacts with disbelief and turns away. RICHARD proceeds to play a series of intervals—TED gets them right.

TED

(RICHARD plays.) Diminished fifth. (RICHARD plays.) Minor sixth. (RICHARD plays.) Major seventh. (RICHARD plays.) Minor ninth.

RICHARD

Yes. What’s this chord? (RICHARD plays.)

TED

Augmented triad. (RICHARD plays.) Diminished.

RICHARD

Diminished what?

TED

Diminished seventh. (RICHARD plays a major seven.) That’s a major seventh chord. (RICHARD then plays a minor major seventh.)

TED

That’s… a good one. Could you play that again, please? (RICHARD repeats the chord.) Oh! Thingy! It’s a minor chord with a major seventh on top.

RICHARD

We call that a minor major seventh chord. I’m going to clap four and I want you to clap three against it.

TED

Four against three? I can do that one myself. It’s just a little thing that I do! (He demonstrates.) Four with the left hand… three with the right hand.

RICHARD

Very impressive.

TED

Thank you, sir.

RICHARD

I’d like you to play the A flat Schubert Impromptu that you played at yesterday’s recital. Can you take it from the middle of the recapitulation where the left hand has the melody? Do you know where I’m talking about?

TED

No problemo.

RICHARD

(closing his eyes in pain) Whenever you’re ready, Mr. Dykstra.

TED plays. When he finishes, he waits for RICHARD to speak.

You’re very talented.

TED

Thank you, sir.

RICHARD

Unfortunately, it’s wasted. Play it again from the beginning for me, please. I’d like you to take it significantly slower and no sustaining pedal.

TED

Is that how you think it should go, sir?

RICHARD

That’s how I’ve asked you to play it.

TED

No pedal? (TED begins to play.)

RICHARD

Mr. Dykstra. Significantly slower. (TED tries to play it slowly. He can’t.)

TED

Sorry. I just have to do this for one second.

He plays it at speed then tries once again to slow it down.

RICHARD

Make it even, please. (TED continues.) Mr. Dykstra. Pianissimo as written. (TED puts his foot on the soft pedal.) Without the aid of the una corda pedal.

TED continues unsuccessfully. Finally RICHARD intervenes.

You see? (TED nods.) You’re cheating the phrase. You’re faking it because you don’t have the discipline, the commitment, or the desire to perfect it. I’ve read your records; you’ve managed to impress a lot of adjudicators at the provincial finals but frankly, Mr. Dykstra, you don’t impress me. I find you to be a lazy, arrogant teenager who practises—what?—an hour and a half, two hours a day? There are hundreds of talented young people out there. I have thirteen-year-old students who could play circles around you. They have no more talent—there’s only one difference between them and you. They work. (beat) How dare you. How dare you waste your talent! Maybe, maybe—if you practise for five hours a day for two years—maybe you will qualify to enter into this program. But frankly, Mr. Dykstra, I don’t believe you have it in you. Here. Here’s a quarter. Go and call your piano teacher, tell him that you will never ever be a classical pianist. Or you can use it to phone the conservatory to withdraw your application. (beat) Good day, Mr. Dykstra.

RICHARD returns to his piano and sits. TED is left alone, devastated. At length, he stands.

JAZZ FACULTY

TED

Good morning. Mr. Greenblatt?

RICHARD

Hi.

TED

Can I call you Rich?

RICHARD

Sure.

TED

Hey, Rich. Paul Thelon.

RICHARD

Mr. Thelon.

TED

Call me Paul. Welcome to the jazz faculty—the Jazz “Factory” as the kids like to call it. This is nothing to worry about, just a little “get to know ya,” talk about your background, try out your rhythm, test your ears, that kind of thing. We like to weed before we garden. So I understand you’ve got a classical background. That’s kinda weird, you want to tell me something about it?

RICHARD

Sure. I’ve been studying classically for about ten years but, I don’t know, recently I feel like I’ve hit a dead end. I’ve been thinking of giving up my classical training.

TED

Okay. Good idea.

RICHARD

In the last few years I’ve been in some rock groups. Um… progressive rock, celtic rock, klezmer rock, that kind of thing. I’ve been accompanying a lot of dance classes.

TED

Gross.

RICHARD

Really! And I’ve been writing a fair amount of my own stuff.

TED

Now we’re talking. Some jazz?

RICHARD

Well, I guess not what you’d call traditional jazz or, I don’t know, fusion. I’ve been doing a lot of blues.

TED

Blues?

RICHARD

The granddaddy of them all! I’ve been doing quite a study on the blues, actually. I’ve been reading a lot of books.

TED

Books on the blues?

RICHARD

Yeah. Do you know Blues Fell This Morning by Paul Oliver?

TED

No, I can’t say that I do, Rich.

RICHARD

Wow. It is a great book. You’ve gotta read it, Paul.

TED

Okey doke. What’s your favourite kind of music?

RICHARD

I really like all kinds.

TED

Jazz. Favourite kind of jazz?

RICHARD

I really like all kinds. (He laughs. The joke falls flat.) Uh, Oscar Peterson, of course. Art Tatum—wow! Chick, and Herbie…

TED

Why do you want become a jazz musician, Rich?

RICHARD

Well I feel like I’ve got jazz in my soul. If you can say that we white guys have soul.

TED

In music, being “white” is not just about skin colour.

RICHARD

Far out, right on, cool, I hear ya.

TED

Okay. I think I’ve learned a little bit about you. Let’s give the ears a shake, shall we? You want to stand over there.

TED plays a series of intervals.

RICHARD

Augmented fourth. (TED plays.) Augmented fifth. (TED plays.) Minor ninth. (TED plays.) Major seventh. (TED plays a chord this time.) Augmented triad. (TED plays a diminished seventh.) Diminished.

TED

Diminished what?

RICHARD

Diminished seven.

TED plays a minor major seven, RICHARD gets it right. Then TED plays a “complicated” jazz chord.

RICHARD

Sorry. Could you play that one again?

He plays it again. RICHARD starts to hum and guess…

TED

We won’t worry about that one. Let me hear you play five against four—five with your right hand, four with your left hand.

RICHARD

Five on four?

TED

Uh hunh.

RICHARD attempts to bang out five on four. He stops and looks at TED. Beat.

I was kinda hoping for a tune there. Can you play me something, Rich?

RICHARD

Sure, what?

TED

Well, call me nutty, but how about some jazz? Do you know any standards?

RICHARD

“My Funny Valentine”?

TED

Sure, I’d love to hear your crack at “Valentine.” Just one time through if you don’t mind.

RICHARD plays his version of “My Funny Valentine.”

I don’t know how to tell you this without hurting your feelings, so I’m just going to have to hurt your feelings. I don’t know where you classical guys get off thinking you can come in here and play a kind of music that is completely outside, above, and beyond your grasp. Just because your mom made you practise some stuff for ten years does not mean that you can waltz into an institution like this and play jazz, Rich. Jazz, I’m talking. Because you can’t. I got thirteen-year-old kids from the projects who’ve never had a lesson, can’t read a note, they could wipe your white middle-class ass right off the keyboard. You want some good advice? Run, don’t walk, back to classical music. That’s where you belong. I’ve read your records. You’ve done really well in the thingy—the festival—and got high marks on your exams and that’s great, but it means diddly-squat here. Diddly. You really want to play pop music, do what everyone else does; go out, buy one of those big fat books, The Hundred Greatest Tunes of the Millennium or whatever, and when your friends are drunk at a party you can play them something from Cats. That’s about it for a guy like you. I know this is brutal, but I want you to understand, Rich, I’m actually doing you a favour here, okay? And I am sorry, son. (beat) You wanna tell the next kid it’s okay to come in on your way out, I’d appreciate it.

TED walks away. RICHARD stands, lost in dismay, and finally exits.

WHAT NOW? / MARSHA

We hear a ticking clock. TED sits and plays/sings…

TED

She’s late for her lesson. Maybe she’s dead. I hope so.

RICHARD

Oh Teddy! (RICHARD enters.) Oh, Teddy, I am so sorry. I am so late.

TED

That’s all right.

RICHARD

The lesson’s almost over, isn’t it?

TED

Oh there’s still time left, but we’ve got to stop right on time though, Mrs. Billingsley, there’s someone coming right after you. They run a tight ship here at abc.

RICHARD

Oh Teddy, I’ve had such a dreadful day.

TED

Oh boy.

RICHARD

I had to drive the children all over hell’s half acre and I am feeling a little emotionally raw today.

TED

I’m very sorry about that, Mrs. Billingsley.

RICHARD

Oh please, Teddy, call me Marsha.

TED

What are we looking at this week?

RICHARD

(pointing to his music book) “In My Little Birch Canoe.”

TED

Did you finish “Finger Fun”?

RICHARD

Yes, you see, you actually gave me a gold star last week.

TED

I think you put that there.

RICHARD

Oh Teddy. (She starts to play.)

TED

Whoa. Everybody out of the canoe. Mrs. B, what do I say every week? You have got to start remembering or I’m going to—I’m going to…

RICHARD

What, Teddy?

TED

I’m going to lose the will to live.

RICHARD

Oh Teddy, you’re only seventeen.

TED

I do but jest. But seriously, there are three things that I say every week.

RICHARD

(suddenly remembering) Curve my fingers!

TED

That’s one.

RICHARD

And lower my wrists! At the same time!

TED

That’s two.

RICHARD

And count out loud while I play!! Oh, silly Marsha! (RICHARD begins to play.) One bit, two bit, three bit. (RICHARD stops playing.) Oh Teddy, Teddy, do you remember when I was telling you about my friend Peggy? Yes, you remember! She’s the one who’s been my best friend ever since high school when we were on the cheerleading squad together. Well, Peggy has been very depressed lately; I think she’s going through the change…

Lights down. TED changes position. The clock ticks. Lights up.

…And so I said to the clerk in that store, “There is no way I am going to pay $69.99 for that blouse!” It was kind of like the one I wore about three weeks ago, Teddy, do you remember, it had a floral pattern…

Lights down. TED changes position. The clock ticks. Lights up.

…And then, when I was seventeen, just about your age, Teddy, I used to spend hours looking at my father’s fossil collection. I always thought that one day I would be a paleontologist. Isn’t it funny the way life turns out?

Lights down. TED changes position. The clock ticks. Lights up.

My husband’s having an affair. (She cries uncontrollably.)

TED

(long beat) That’s about all the time we have, Mrs. Billingsley. I’m sorry, there’s someone coming right after you.

RICHARD

I understand.

TED

I’m sorry about your troubles.

RICHARD

Thank you, Teddy.

TED

Um, we’ll see you next week, okay?

RICHARD

I look forward to it. (RICHARD exits.)

TED

That was pretty good there for a sec.

TED sits at the stage left piano. RICHARD re-enters stage right, sits, and plays. TED exits.

At the Tarragon Theatre, 1996.

Photo by Beatrice Campbell.

PIANO BAR

RICHARD sings a suitable song for a piano bar. TED enters talking on a cellphone with drink and cigarette in hand. RICHARD continues to play.

TED

You sell when I tell you to sell, you buy when I tell you to buy—this is not a dialogue, asshole! (He hangs up.) I’ll have another one of these, dollface, and I mean that politically correctly. Tell starboy to make it a double, will you? Hey, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, paul! Oh, sorry, I thought you were Paul. (RICHARD finishes the song.) Hey, that was great.

RICHARD

Thanks.

TED

How old are you there, little guy?

RICHARD

Seve… uh… nineteen.

TED

Yeah right, can I see some ID? (RICHARD balks.) Don’t worry, I won’t blow your cover. That was pretty good there, eh? I know music.

TED plays the knuckle-roll song on the piano. RICHARD takes his hand away.

RICHARD

Thanks. So, do you have any requests?

TED

Do you know (the name of the song he just played)?

RICHARD

(slumping with disbelief) I just played it.

TED

What, in your last set you mean?

RICHARD

No. I just played it.

TED

No you didn’t.

RICHARD

Yes I did.

TED

No you didn’t.

RICHARD

Yes I did.

TED

I was standing right here.

RICHARD

Well, I played it right here.

TED

Are you calling me a liar?

RICHARD

No, I’m not calling you a liar—

TED

You think I don’t know (name of song)? You’ll tell me though?! I was listening to that song before you were born, you little underage smartass.

RICHARD

I’ll tell you though—maybe if you weren’t yelling across the bar to Paul or talking on your cellphone, you might have heard—

TED

You don’t want to play the goddamn song, that’s fine with me! Just say, “I’m sorry, sir, but I’d rather not play that particular selection at this juncture.” And we move on!

RICHARD

(trying to get him to quiet down) Okay, okay. I’ll play it again.

TED

You’ll play it for the first time. (RICHARD begins to play.) Hey! (RICHARD stops playing and looks at him.) Say it.

RICHARD laughs. TED crosses over to him menacingly.

You better say it.

RICHARD

I’ll play it for the first time.

TED

Goddamn right! (RICHARD begins to play.) Yeah, that’s (name of song)! (beat) I gotta to take a whiz, kid. (TED exits.) Gary! Gary! Sorry, I thought you were Gary…

RICHARD continues to play (name of song) until Mr. Scarlatti enters.

MOVING ON

TED

Ricky, Ricky, what you do, eh?

RICHARD

Oh sorry, Mr. Scarlatti, I was just fooling around.

TED

That’s-a (name of writer of the previous song).

RICHARD

Mr. Scarlatti. You know (name of writer)?

TED

Yeah. I like-a (name of writer). He’s a man. He’s a real man. He’s a piano man.

RICHARD

That’s a good one, Mr. S.

TED

Thank you.

RICHARD

So, how’s your back?

TED

Not so good, how’s your Bach?

RICHARD

Not so good.

TED

(as he lies down) What else have you got for me this week, Ricky?

RICHARD

Well, believe it or not, I’m still working on the second Chopin Ballade.

TED

Oh, she’s a pig.

RICHARD

Yeah. Oh, I’ve got the Schoenberg.

TED

Oh no, no, no Shoenberg, I’m in the mood for a melody.

RICHARD

How about the Mozart Fantasia in C Minor?

TED

Give me the Bach. You play that for my back. My back likes that one. Take it from the cadenza, Ricky. The B flat. (beat) It’s-a good for my back to “be” flat.

RICHARD

I don’t know where you come up with them, Mr. S.

TED

It’s a gift. (RICHARD begins to play in a rush.) Hey, hey, hey. Think before you play, Rambo. Breathe. Start again. (RICHARD plays a segment, then stops.) Ricardo. You play this better three weeks ago. What’s-a matter? Think before you play. Breathe. Let’s go. Start again. (RICHARD plays one note then stops.)

RICHARD

Mr. Scarlatti, I can’t go on. I’m seventeen years old. I can’t go on being a piano nerd. Sitting for hours on end in a room by myself trying to make my fingers do unnatural contortions. The piano’s become like this millstone around my neck. I feel guilty when I’m not practising, I feel inadequate when I do. I’m not going anywhere as a classical pianist. You know it, and I know it. And anyway, how is it relevant? I want to work to change the world, Mr. Scarlatti. Politically. How am I going to do that being a classical pianist? Classical music is this middle-class, European, elitist art form that is dying in front of an apathetic public that gets more satisfaction playing Nintendo. And acoustic instrumentation is dead. I mean, no offence, Mr. Scarlatti, but the piano is going the way of the typewriter… or the eight-track cassette. And classical musicians are becoming this smaller and smaller cabal of crazy archaic artisans, like stonemasons or blacksmiths or something. I mean, we’re weird now, but we’re going to get weirder and weirder as we get fewer and fewer, until finally we’ll be totally outside of society altogether. Cultural lepers. (beat) I just want you to know that this has nothing to do with you. I think you’re a great teacher and a great guy. I’ve learned a lot from you… and not just about the piano. But it’s time for me to move on. Mr. Scarlatti… (long beat) I’m quitting the piano.

Pause. A deep snore comes from Mr. Scarlatti. RICHARD leans over him.

We hear the finale of Horowitz’s Carnegie Hall performance of the Mephisto Waltz by Liszt.

RICHARD

Ted. Ted!

TED

What?

RICHARD

Do you want another beer?

TED

Yeah, yeah. Shh. This is the part.

RICHARD

What part?

TED

The part I’ve been telling you about! It sounds like a Ping-Pong ball being dropped. (RICHARD exits to get them a beer.) How does he do that?! Here it comes again. Ping-Pong ball.

RICHARD hands a beer to TED; TED crosses to his piano.

Here he goes. Listen to this.

We listen to the end of the recording as TED plays air piano along with Horowitz. At the end he cheers along with the crowd and collapses on the piano, listening to the applause as it fades.

That, my friend, is one little seventy-five-year-old man, one big black piano, and two thousand people who would rather be there than anywhere else; whose lives were forever altered on that day, who still say today, “I was there when Vlad played Carnegie Hall.” If you’re not going to play like that what’s the point? I think that’s why I quit. I knew what I’d have to go through to play like that. What seventeen-year-old kid wants to sit in a little room by himself staring at little black dots, developing hemorrhoids? I was a social kid. I wanted to be out in the world with people, real live people. Interacting, you know? Now that people are such a big part of my life, I often wish I was in a little room by myself. Stupid thing is, now I know how to work. Now I’ve got discipline. Now I enjoy practising. Now it’s too late. But some little part of me still thinks I could have done it. I could have been a world-class classical musician. I could have played Carnegie Hall. It’s very important for me to believe that, because if I didn’t believe that, it would mean that I didn’t quit because I wanted a normal life, it’d mean I quit because I wasn’t good enough. (pause) Shit, now I’m depressed.

RICHARD

Do you remember the last time we got this drunk together?

TED

Vaguely.

RICHARD

Well you put on that same cd of Vladimir Horowitz playing the Mephisto Waltz by Franz Liszt…

TED

Guilty, my lord.

RICHARD

…and you made the same fehschtunkineh speech you just did.

TED

I did not.

RICHARD

You did too.

TED

I did not.

RICHARD

You did too.

TED

(beat) Did I really?

RICHARD

Yep.

TED

That’s pathetic.

RICHARD

Yep.

TED

Thanks, now I’m even more depressed. You know what I’m talking about though, don’t you, Rich?

RICHARD

Yeah. (beat) But you know—we’re not bad piano players.

TED

No, we’re not bad.

RICHARD

We’re okay.

TED

We’re pretty good.

RICHARD

We’re quite good.

TED

We’re two of the best piano players in the world.

RICHARD

No, we’re not.

TED

We’re two of the best piano players in the country?

RICHARD

No, we’re not.

TED

We’re two of the best piano players in the city?

BOTH

(beat) No.

TED

In the neighbourhood?

RICHARD

Yes.

BOTH

We are two of the best piano players in the neighbourhood.

They contemplate this. They look at their hands. They look at each other. They get up and they put on their tuxedo tails. They check with each other that they’re ready and sit down at their pianos together.

They then play the first movement of the Bach D Minor Concerto as well as two of the best piano players in the neighbourhood can play it.

The end.

At the Tarragon Theatre, 1996.

Photo by Lydia Pawelka.