Goldheart is how I left it, but the buildings look smaller, the streets narrower. The first weekend back, we walk down Main Street, and Annie pops in to say hello to the owners of various shops, including Mr. Lathrop who owns the bookstore in town and just lost his wife.
Annie walks out with a wave behind her. I squirm in my skin. “You know everyone,” I say, crossing one arm across from me. A woman I do not know stares at me from across the street. I’m not sure if she’s a tourist or resident. Goldheart usually gets busy in the summer, if people are at the lake nearby or here for the day to get that small-town charm or shop at the small businesses. Goldheart has been vigilant on keeping chain stores and restaurants out, so you have to go the next town over if you want Starbucks.
When the conversation becomes quiet, I think about Henry. I wonder what he’s doing, what new exotic location he might be heading off to. If I think too long, I obsess over our day and night together, how perfect it was, and I listen to Miley Cyrus and cry.
“How are you feeling?” Annie asks, touching my shoulder as we walk.
I shrug one shoulder.
A couple walk by and hold up a hand. “Hi, Annie. Is this your sister from the city?”
I smile closed-mouthed as Annie wraps an arm around me. “Yes, this is Raegan. She’s back. For now.”
“How long did you live there?” he asks.
I swallow and say, “Sixteen months.”
“Ah,” the woman says. “I don’t know how anyone could live there. The homeless problem and how dirty it is. It’s fun to go into the city for a baseball game, but other than that, I avoid it as much as possible. I enjoy it here much more.”
I’m not sure how to respond. She has valid points about the state of the city, but it’s obvious it hasn’t crept into her soul like it has mine.
I just want to go back.
“That’s your opinion, Miriam,” Annie says sweetly. I know inside her head she’s cursing her out. My sister would never say it out loud, though. “Raegan loves it there.”
“Someone has to live there,” she says. “Well, we won’t take up too much more of your time. Say hi to your father for us. Come on, Leland.”
Her husband trails her as they pass us. I snarl, and Annie giggles at me. I have to get used to small-town gossip again.
Annie says. “Have you heard from Henry?”
I shake my head. It’s been almost a week, and I’m not sure what I expected from him. He’s not on social media, so it saves me from watching his content for clues. We didn’t exchange numbers, deliberately. Is he as broken up as me about our time together? What is he doing? Is he seeing another woman already? I’m not sure at this point if knowing or not knowing is beneficial.
“I just don’t know if it bothers him as much as it bothers me.”
“I’m sure he’s broken up over you. You’re too awesome for a guy to get over you so easily.” She kisses my head, and we keep walking.
“What’s going on with Jason? He was in quite the hurry yesterday.”
Jason came over last night. When I opened the door, he stepped back, shocked that someone knew he was visiting Annie. I let him in, and he was as jumpy as the drug addicts I used to pass on Market. Annie and Jason disappeared into her room, and then he left forty-five minutes later, like he was on a timer.
Annie says nothing as we reach the end of the main drag and see a red barn in the distance. Staying with Annie, I’ve noticed some things. She constantly checks her phone. Getting a text from Jason is like a hit of crack. The highs are so high and the lows are low. I would’ve flipped out on him by now, but my sister has been way too nice. “You look like you need a drink.”
“Definitely,” I say. I vaguely remember this building, and I go through my memories and knowledge of the town. “Wait, is that new?”
“It’s always been there. The Finches spruced it up, and now their brewhouse is there,” Annie says. The Woody Finch Brewery has been a fixture in Goldheart for the last three years, but it seems like the Finch family has really upped their game recently.
“Are all the kids still there?” I ask, even though the Finch siblings are all older than me by at least five years.
“Yes. Emily, Cameron, and Reid all stayed in town, but Jackson just moved home.”
“Wow, I remember this place being rundown and almost condemned,” I say as Annie leads me onto the gravel driveway, past picnic benches filled with families and through the open barn doors.
It is packed. The Finches must be doing well.
“There’s a long high table over there,” Annie says. “Grab us a spot. What do you want?”
“A cider, if they have one,” I say.
“Coming right up,” Annie says, walking to the bar. Cameron’s working behind it today. I would notice him anywhere. Six-five, he has a reputation of sleeping with eighty percent of the single, available women in town and ninety percent of the tourists. To the best of my knowledge, he has never hooked up with Annie, and I hope it stays that way.
Sitting alone, next to other couples chatting and families enjoying each other’s company, I wonder if I could ever fit in here. I haven’t lived here more than a few months on summer break from college, and since then, I’ve barely come home except for a day or two here and there for visits or holidays.
My phone buzzes, and I look up. Annie is chatting with Cameron, and he has a big smile on his face as he talks to her. I shoot daggers at him so he will at least instinctively know not to mess with my sister.
Erin: How are you? We miss you.
I want to cry.
Me: Me too.
Erin: How does it feel to be back?
Me: Weird. I’ll have to get used to it. I like being with my sister, though.
Erin: My couch is always open.
Me: I’ll keep that in mind.
Annie rejoins me with my cider in a pint glass and a golden, cloudy beer in a snifter for her.
“What do we cheers to?” Annie asks.
I remember the last cheer with my friends, and I lift my glass.
“To being from here,” I say.
“Don’t sound so excited,” Annie says as our glasses touch.
The quiet music playing over the brewery switches to “Party in the USA,” and I set my cider down.
“Are you okay?” Annie asks me before I realize what is happening. I’m slumped over the table, sobbing.
I lift my head. “No. I’m not.”
“What is it?”
It’s everything. How one day with Henry made me question everything. How that city wormed its way into my soul and I can’t be happy living anywhere else. How being home this last week has felt like my soul is dying.
It becomes clear to me what I have to do. Miley singing takes me right back to how I felt dancing with Henry at Thrill Mountain. How I’ve never felt so comfortable, so alive. How my future has to be in San Francisco, not here in Goldheart. How my future is with Henry.
My tears dry, and everything becomes so clear. “I think I have to go.”
Annie follows me out of the brewery. “Where are you going?”
“I think I have to go back to San Francisco,” I say. “I have to.”
I walk in the direction of Annie’s car, parked in a public parking spot behind Town Square.
If I get an Uber to the El Centro BART station, I can take the BART to the 24th St. Mission…
“You’re just adjusting. Let’s go home. You’re tired,” Annie says, following me.
“I’m not,” I say.
“This is crazy,” Annie says. “Raegan, I…Wait. Who’s that?”
I turn around to see Henry searching the street, holding a collection of green, blue, and pink flowers. His face bursts into a smile when he sees me, and I break into a run.
Somehow, I end up in his arms like a needy koala.
“Hi,” he says into my hair, his hand under my butt.
“Hi,” I say, smiling so hard it hurts. “What are you doing here?”
“I came here to find you,” Henry says. “I’m going to put you down before I drop you.”
“Okay,” I say as he sets me down.
He’s here. I’m not hallucinating.
“Let’s sit down,” he says, leading me by hand to a bench where the bus picks up. He hands me the flowers, and I smell them.
He takes one of my hands in his. “Our date together was so special. I kept wondering why Erin set up a date on your last weekend in San Francisco, and now I know why. She saw something in us that we couldn’t see. I need you in my life, Raegan. I would love to be friends, but…” Henry pauses. “I’m not sure I can only be friends with you. The sex was just too good.”
I laugh and then, I breathe in to avoid any more tears.
He’s here. For me.
“What are you saying?” I ask.
“Be with me,” he says. “Even if we’re long distance for a little bit.”
He hugs me, and his strong arms around me, the way he smells, how he kisses my hair makes me feel like I’ve found my person.
Henry is the one I’ve been looking for.
He pulls away from me with rosy cheeks.
“Is that your sister?” Henry points to Annie, who is watching us with crossed arms. I nod.
Henry walks over to Annie, and I can’t hear what he’s saying. I’m sure Annie is giving her usual spiel, that she owns a shovel and no one would find his body if he hurts me.
She hugs him, and they walk back to me. Henry intertwines his fingers with mine and warmth flows through my body.
“Get out of here,” Annie says with a hand wave.
“You don’t mind?”
“No,” Annie says. “One of the Finch siblings is bound to keep me company and finish your drink.”
“Not Cameron,” I say with a finger point.
“Whatever, Mom,” Annie says. “Cameron wouldn’t be interested in me anyway.”
What a crock of shit. My sister is tall and beautiful, and she has a vagina. Cameron would definitely be interested, even if he says he isn’t.
Henry and I walk out the brewery and down the gravel road. He turns next to a meadow, the sun setting behind a hill. It castes a golden hue over the grass and makes his eyes squint.
He’s so cute.
“So, how is this going to work?” I ask.
“I’m not leaving San Francisco until we figure out if this can work or not,” Henry says. “No more traveling. I know you need to figure out some stuff here, and I’ll be busy in the city. Still, I want to see you on every one of your days off. We can trade off who visits whom. I want to talk to you every night. We can make this work until we know for sure. I just need to know.”
“Erin told me I could stay on her couch so I can be back in San Francisco,” I say. He lights up and takes my face in his hands, kissing me.
I feel like I’m in a Hallmark movie.
“Come back to me,” he says. I want to melt into a puddle.
San Francisco. A place I thought was only temporary. Thinking about living there, really living there, makes me giddy. It’s the same feeling I had on the plane to France for my study abroad, how I felt crossing the borders into a dozen new countries. Doing what I want to do, life feeling so right I know it in my bones.
“San Francisco,” I say, bringing my hands to my heart.
Henry loops his arms around my middle. “Just watch—you’ll be living with me within a week.”
“At least six weeks,” I say and kiss him. Linking my arms around his neck, I pull him closer. It’s a kiss of hope and promise.
“I’m so glad I met you,” Henry says.
“I’m so glad I met you too,” I reply, nuzzling into the crook of his neck.
“I have one stipulation for our relationship.”
“What’s that?” I ask, kissing his neck. We need to find somewhere private, pronto.
He leans down so his lips are next to the shell of my ear. “No more roller coasters.”
“Done,” I say.
He dips me like he did at the park and kisses me, and I can’t believe this is happening to me.
How funny life is. I should never plan anything because my plans suck compared to what fate has in store for me.