I don’t want to make it my missionary work to assist the LGBTQIA+ community with coming out, but I want to plea to every person reading this book.
My plea is begging of you to read this book and understand the repercussions not of coming out to the world but of the implications the lies have if you don’t speak the truth.
When you or your loved ones come out with your or their choice of a new way of living openly, you need to remember something. You or they decided for yourself or themselves just like you, or they would have decided against running or playing a sport. The decision you or they made was for yourself or themselves and had nothing to do with anyone else.
Most of my closest friends are members of the LGBTQIA+ community, and we have been friends for many years. Some nearly two decades, some more recent.
Through walking their journeys with them, being able to be there for them as a support structure, I can say that I have an understanding of the difficulties people have.
I have an understanding of the feelings of being cast out.
I have an understanding of the feeling of not feeling good enough or not natural enough.
I have an understanding of the mental and emotional strains that people face.
One of the biggest problems isn’t how you see yourself, but how the other people in this world choose how they want to see the world and what their images are of the purest, most acceptable “person” is.
Their perceptions are not yours, and you do not have to take ownership of their issues. I usually say to my friends, “You are a gorgeous person, and it’s other peoples’ problems about their expectations of people around them and has nothing to do with you.
Be the best that you can be for yourself.
To the people on the receiving side of this news: The words we say affects people intensely. Choose your words wisely, for your first responses will most likely determine the future of your relationship with this person communicating with you.
I remember once I had a conversation with you.
We were sitting on the beach. It was late one night, and you ordered wine to be delivered to the beach.
We had many conversations, and this is where you opened a crack for me to look inside your unventilatable walls. We spoke at length about the book I wrote for you, and you said it made you cry. You told me that you left our relationship a long time ago, you just didn’t physically leave.
You also came out to me officially for the first time, and I told you that I wanted to be there for you. I told you I wanted to support you, and I told you all I need for you to do is trust me and let me in.
Long conversations led back to my apartment, and we had farewell sex. It was great. It’s been so long since I have been allowed to touch your body. I was standing in front of you, looking you in the eyes, and told you I would kiss you now, and it is your choice to stop me. I raised my cupped hands to under your face and, with the index fingers touching your earlobes and my palms on your jawline, I slowly pulled you closer and kissed you. You reciprocated passionately.
Smitten.
Afraid.
I lied to you when you asked if I have been with someone else, because firstly, we were both stark naked and we were on the verge of having sex, but also, I felt that it is just another thing you will throw back into my face. You willingly helped remove all your clothes.
Afterward, I told you that I did not invest in the act emotionally because I am scared that you may play with my emotions. That night, you also said that the first reason you would return is for the money, and the second reason is that I am able to make your dreams come true, and the third reason is I am able to give you the life and lifestyle you want.
You also mentioned that I am safe. We know each other, but independence is a massive factor in why not to return.
I poured my heart out, and all you said is that you didn’t conceptualize it. Life has been too busy. No mention of love.
You see, months after months, days after days, hours after hours, I always wanted you back. I always fought for you, not against you. But how can I fight a battle that is impossible to fight?
Having a partner that leaves you right before you get married for the same gender partner is not easy to process emotionally, mentally, or at all, and it is challenging. I question my abilities, all of them, and I question and doubt myself in ways I never have.
I know I do want to know you; I know I want you in my life, I know I want to share a part of your life, but how?
You consistently pull me closer for your own gain and cast me to the side, insult me, damage my reputation when you got what you came for.
I assumed the night we spent together that a reason why you would not be able to return is being unable to repair the damage you created by spreading lies. You would have to tell the truth about me.
Impossible for you to rectify. That was assumably the first time you cheated on Rachael, and it was with me.