CHAPTER 6:

THE RELATIONSHIP OF VICTIMS AND SOCIOPATHS

The Predator-Prey Relationship

Given the characteristics of sociopaths, particularly their desire to seek power, manipulate, and use people to gain what they want, it is easy to see how they might ensnare their victims. They look for the vulnerabilities of prospects, and find individuals especially prone to becoming victims who are not knowledgeable, willing to trust, and see them as an authority. In turn, the sociopath’s confidence helps to assure prospective victims he or she has the necessary knowledge and connections to help the victims gain what they want, so a prospect more likely to fall into the sociopath’s trap.

Thus, there is a kind of spider-fly, predator-prey relationship between sociopaths and their victims. Once a victim falls into their trap, it can be hard to escape, since the sociopath’s ability to lie convincingly and repeatedly are like lures leading the victim deeper into the trap. This is why, for example, one sometimes reads stories of wealthy older men and women looking for love, who are convinced by a sociopath to give them more and more money, until the victim, fleeced of their money, is of no further use, and the sociopath is on to the next. In some cases, the victim even turns up dead!

This predator-prey relationship occurs because this is an enabling or co-dependent relationship between sociopaths and their victims, whereby the responses of trusting, willing victims enable the sociopaths to achieve their quest for power and manipulation, getting the victims to do what they want. And if one victim escapes their clutches, there are always many more victims to snare, just as a victim who escapes might later be drawn into the clutches of still another sociopath. However, a knowledgeable, potential victim might elude the trap by being aware of the characteristics and behavioral patterns of the sociopath, so they know to stay away.

How to Avoid Becoming a Victim

Based on the traits and behavior patterns previously described, the following recommendations can help individuals avoid being victimized by a sociopath, or end or reduce the damage from the relationship. These guidelines can also help you avoid becoming a victim in a business or personal relationship with anyone generally, such as by exercising caution, gaining knowledge, and not being too ready to trust without sufficient information.

Here are the key warning signs; then you can decide what to do.

• If a person continually gives you excuses and explanations for why things are going wrong without sufficient evidence to support these claims, these excuses and explanations could be the lies of a sociopath trying to avoid blame or responsibility. Once you become suspicious, ask questions of the person to get more supporting information. If the person seems reluctant to tell you more, test out your doubts about his or her sincerity.

• Learn about a new industry or arena in which you are working, so you become more knowledgeable; then a sociopath will be less able to use your naiveté and lack of knowledge to take advantage of you. If the person is telling you how things are in an industry or area that’s new to you and that person has something to gain from a relationship with you, such as getting your money, this person could be a sociopath rather than a mentor who just wants to be helpful. So, check out your suspicions. Look for others in this new environment to talk to about how things work, and see if they confirm what your acquaintance, associate, or prospective business partner has been telling you. If not, stay away.

• Don’t be overly trusting when you meet new people, since your willingness to trust is a weapon that a sociopath can use against you. Accordingly, don’t rush into a relationship where an individual is seeking something valuable from you, such as money or a commitment to a business or personal relationship. Be especially cautious if the other person asks for a quick decision. Don’t only consider your immediate intuitive or gut reaction, which could be wrong. Instead, use your emotional response as one indicator and look for more information to support your initial feelings.

• Be willing to question or seek additional information to test out the individual’s claims or point of view, especially if you find traits that are common to sociopaths, such as if the individual has a pattern of criticizing and disparaging others, evading responsibility, or showing a lack of empathy and understanding of others.

• Ask questions if you find that someone in a work or personal relationship is commonly vague or tells contradictory stories, especially as your relationship becomes closer. These are patterns which sociopaths exhibit due to not remembering what they said when they lied to one person or due to them getting confused because they told different lies to different people.

• Avoid participating in or becoming complicit with a scheme that hides important information from someone who should commonly be told this information or if concealing the information might harm someone else. Such a scheme could be especially troubling since later this person might later pitch someone else on a scheme that harms you.

• Be wary if a person frequently compliments and flatters you, while blaming or criticizing others. Such compliments and flattery could make you feel good and more receptive to going along with the individual’s designs, while the blame and criticism applied to other people can contribute to your being wrongly distanced from others who have been unfairly cast in a bad light. So pay attention if you think the flattery seems over the top, and look for supporting evidence to show that any criticism or blame of someone else is justified. If not, this could be a sociopath trying to put down others to separate you from them.

• Be cautious if you feel a person is trying to keep you from talking to others, when you might otherwise want to or need to talk to them This separation could be a strategy to conceal contradictory stories or secrets. Certainly there are times when you are justifiably asked not to contact or communicate with another person, such as when someone is representing you or negotiating a deal for the group. But if a call for secrecy seems excessive or unwarranted, be cautious, since the person could be inappropriately manipulating you.

• If you feel that you have been a victim of a scheme, be ready to come forward or inform others about what happened. This information can help you gain recompense or justice in your case, and can let others know about the situation so they can avoid becoming victims, too. However, when taking any action, be cautious so you don’t put yourself in a compromising or dangerous position; otherwise, be willing to share your experience reactively or proactively, since secrecy and a lack of communication by victims helps to perpetrate these schemes.

• Pay attention when you are around someone who enjoys having power over and manipulating others, if you start to feel that the person is unfairly or inappropriately seeking to manipulate and control you. Also notice if the exercise of power seems excessive, such as when a boss seems to be playing power games in putting down employers in front of a worker or in turning employees against each other. Should you feel you are being manipulated to do uncomfortable things, that’s when to notice more and be cautious about what is happening. If any of these things happen, as appropriate, strategically resist the manipulation, discuss the issue with the person you feel is manipulating you, distance yourself from the manipulative person, or withdraw from the relationship entirely.

• Be cautious if you find someone is very self-centered and seems to show a lack of care or concern for others, or has a pattern of alienating others. While it is common and expected for people to act out of self-interest, they should also show care and concern for others and want to have good harmonious relationships, or maybe you don’t want to associate with them. Thus, be cautious when someone seems overly self-involved and frequently engages in actions that put down or harm others or create hostilities with others.

• Be cautious when someone seems too eager to take risks and seek thrills and excitement. Someone with this outlook can have great success when risks pay off, and he or she can bring much fun and enjoyment to your life. But sometimes this behavior can lead to great losses or to a spiral of self-destructive behavior, when the risks don’t pay off or the thrills and excitement have negative consequences. Another reason for caution is that, given a sociopath’s love of power and manipulating others, you could be led into a situation where the risks could lead to danger.

• Another time to be cautious is if someone is very egocentric and frequently seeks attention from others. While seeking some attention and admiration is normal, if it’s excessive, it’s often a sign the person is very self-centered and shows a lack of concern for others. This behavior might also be linked to the pattern of putting down and alienating others to aggrandize oneself.

• Be cautious, too, when you see indications that a person has created a fictional self, usually to create a more successful self-image or to lead a double life. Sometimes a person will put on a fictive self to create a better self-presentation in public such as the normally quiet, shy person who becomes ebullient and outgoing in public. But sometimes living a fictive life is a way to hide a secretive, dark side—or perhaps their real life, and the people in each life don’t know about the other. Should you notice a split in a person’s personality or have intimations of a double life, this is a good time to assess your relationship with this person, and decide whether to continue the relationship, gradually distance yourself, or pull out immediately.

• Another time for exercising caution is when a person continually tells tall tales and exaggerates, usually to appear more successful or interesting, or if you suspect a person is using one lie to conceal another. While it can sometimes be tempting to dismiss the tale telling and exaggeration as a charming quirk, be careful, because you may not be able to discern what is true or not. Then, too, you can get caught up in a series of lies told in a convincing way. As one lies builds on another, you are led to act on these lies in a way that is harmful to yourself or to others.

Sometimes a good strategy is to bring the suspected lies into the open or end the relationship and walk away.

In sum, this advice to be cautious when you observe certain patterns of behaviors can be useful in relationships generally, and individually, anyone can engage in these behaviors. But as you see someone engaging in more and more of these behaviors, it could be an indication this person could be a sociopath, and you need to take care that you are not hurt by the person’s actions when they are directed against you.