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“You’re leaving me here?” Mom exclaimed, sounding annoyed.
“Just for tonight,” I promised her. “They want to keep an eye on you to make sure you’re okay. And you’re in the right place if something else happens...”
“Nothing’s going to happen,” she grumbled, but I could tell she had already accepted there would be no way around this.
“It’s for your own good,” I promised her, hoping she would start to believe me. I doubted it. She had clearly already made her mind up about this, and, as far as she was concerned, I was basically locking her down here just for the fun of it. No matter how I tried to frame it, she was going to be certain I was just trying to get her out of the house.
“I’ll make sure your bedroom is all cleaned out and ready for you by the time you get back,” I offered, hoping it was going to be enough for her to accept this. She narrowed her eyes at me.
“You better,” she warned, and I knew she was only half-joking. When my mom wanted something her way, she would get it, no matter what it took. I reached up to her covers, tucking them in around her, fussing more than I knew I needed to. She was going to be just fine here for the rest of the night, but I felt a little guilty about it.
I needed to talk to Nate, though, and I couldn’t do it with her around. There were things I needed to discuss with him that I couldn’t if she was there, that I wouldn’t. I didn’t want her to hear the stuff I was going to talk to him about. It wouldn’t have been fair, especially not when she was recovering from a panic attack as it was already.
“You get out of here,” she told me, waving her hand toward the door. “You need some rest. You look exhausted.”
“Gee, thanks,” I laughed. “You’re the one in a hospital bed right now.”
“So I know what I’m talking about,” she shot back, a glimmer of amusement in her eyes. “Go. I’ll see you tomorrow. First thing, okay?”
“First thing,” I echoed her, and I dropped a kiss on top of her head and turned to head for the door. Nate had told me he would meet me back at my place in about an hour or so, once he’d had time to go home and change. He’d seemed a little reluctant to come back and talk with me, but he had clicked on how important it was to me he did. I needed to get some stuff off of my chest, and there was no way I was going to be able to do it unless I told him the truth.
I was going to cook him the rest of the dinner I had been working on, and, hopefully, we could discuss what had happened the night before. I was ready to come clean with him. If I was going to stay here, in Maple Valley, I was going to need to be honest with myself about what had happened. And, more importantly, honest with the new people in my life, too, no matter how hard it might have been.
I headed back to the house and checked the time—I didn’t have long before he arrived, enough time to jump in a quick shower and get changed before I finished making dinner. I hurried upstairs and grabbed the first thing I could see sticking out of my bag, a dress I’d picked up in Barcelona a few months before to go to the beach in. It wasn’t exactly perfect for dinner, but it was mild enough that evening I would get away with it without freezing my ass off.
I showered quickly and scrubbed myself down, trying to take off the last of this crazy day. It had been ridiculous, and I felt as though I had been wrung out like a dishcloth, everything I’d been hanging on to poured out of me all at once.
Maybe it wasn’t as bad a thing as I was thinking it would be. Maybe—maybe there was something to be said for letting go of everything I had tried to hold back on before, everything I had wanted to leave behind. Being honest with myself and the people around me was my only option now, and it would leave me exposed in a way I never had been before. I didn’t know what to think about any of it, but I would find a way through. I would have to. There was no other choice.
I headed down to the kitchen, a towel wrapped around my hair to keep it from dripping everywhere and finished up the dinner I had been working on before I left to check on my mom. Thank goodness she was okay. I’d dealt with some anxiety over the course of my life, and I knew how awful it could be. I would do everything I could to make sure she was comfortable when she got back. I didn’t know what had triggered her panic attack, but I clearly needed to work harder to get this place feeling more comfortable and safe to her. Maybe all the changes had gotten to her, even if she would never have admitted it. She liked to think she was totally impervious, but she was vulnerable the way all of us were.
I needed to talk to her about Samantha, I knew I did. The two of us had been avoiding it as best we could since I had gotten back, but there was only so much longer we could go without acknowledging the reality of everything the two of us had lost when she had passed. The lack of her still burned in my chest, missing her more than I could bear. She would have been a grown woman now, going out and doing good in the world—or bad, I don’t know. But she would have been alive, doing what she wanted with her life, and the fact she would never get the chance made my chest tense up.
I focused on putting together the rest of dinner for Nate and me and hoped he wasn’t convinced I was totally insane after everything I had done. I was sure he had some opinions on the way I had handled things, but I could take it. Once I explained to him what had happened, the truth behind it, I knew he would see it more clearly.
The fact he was even willing to come back here after the way I had acted was a relief. He had even taken care of Mom for me and reached out to let me know where she was. He really was a decent guy, even if I had acted a little crazy with him the night before. Hopefully, once I explained it all to him, he would be able to understand it wasn’t about him, but rather, about me—about what I had lost, and how much it still burned deep in my chest to know I would never have it again.
The savory scent of the pomodoro filled the kitchen, and I hummed to myself as I cooked, thinking of putting on the radio but enjoying the sound of my own voice too much. There was something peaceful about the way it filled the air around me. I wasn’t used to being on my own like this—normally, I would have avoided it at all costs, doing everything I could to make sure I wouldn’t be alone with my thoughts—but for now, it didn’t seem like too much of a big deal. I would take that for as long as it lasted.
Once the food was bubbling away on the stove, I headed to my room to brush out my hair and check that I didn’t look too crazy in this dress. I felt kind of pretty, actually, and I twisted myself this way and that in front of the mirror to admire the way it looked. I liked the idea of dressing up a little to see him, especially since the whole time we had known each other so far, I had pretty much been stuffing myself into the most comfortable, laid-back clothes possible. Maybe I wanted him to see this other side of me. Maybe I wanted him to see more.
I wasn’t even really sure what it was I was feeling for this man, but I knew I liked it. More than I should have. Things had been weird since I had arrived back in Maple Valley, but he had been a constant—trying to help, trying to make things better, even when I had been more difficult than I had any right to be. I hoped he understood how hard I was working here, hoped he knew I wasn’t just acting crazy for the sake of it. I really wanted to get my mom’s place into good enough form for her to live in without getting hurt, but beyond that, I needed to work through the memories I still had here, too.
Maybe I had been avoiding it until now. The reality of the past I had caught up in this place. I didn’t want to acknowledge how bad it was, how much I had been trying to run from, because if I’d admitted it, I’d have had to come to terms with everything I had lost. But now I had seen those pictures, a part of me had unwound completely, and I had no choice but to accept what had happened here. What I had lost, and how much it had affected me.
I smoothed down my hair and heard a car draw up outside the house—he was here already. I felt a little bounce in my chest as I hurried down to the door, and I bit my lip to keep the smile in. I felt like a teenager again, so excited to see the guy I was crushing on, but we were both adults, and I didn’t want to act up any more than I already had.
I paused on the other side of the door, patting my dress into place and stealing one more glance at the mirror to ensure I was looking all right. He knocked, and I greeted him at once.
“Hey.”
He grinned at me. He was wearing a button-down, rolled up to his elbows, and a pair of jeans; his hair, like mine, was a little damp, and his face was freshly shaved. I had to catch my breath as I stared at him for a moment, wondering how someone could look this damn handsome, standing on my doorstep.
“Hi,” I replied, hoping he couldn’t see how flustered I was written all over my face. I needed to hold myself together right now. I needed to stay calm.
“You want to come in? I have some dinner for us,” I told him as I gestured for him to come inside.
“That sounds great,” he agreed, and he strolled by me, filling the air with the scent of his aftershave as he went. I closed my eyes as soon as his back was turned to me and inhaled deeply, letting it wash over me for a moment before I followed him.
And as I headed to the kitchen to serve him up some dinner, I knew tonight was going to be one hell of a night. In ways I might not have been able to predict. But I wanted to see what came next.
And I wanted to see where the hell the little flutter in my chest at the sight of him took me next.
