| |
I picked at the food I had made for myself and tried to come up with some sort of appetite.
I wasn’t sure how long it was going to take for me to start feeling human again, after the conversation I’d had. I couldn’t believe what they had told me. I had to go back? Not just go back, but go all the way to Paris to meet them there, or...or what? I would lose my job? Was I so dispensable? It didn’t seem possible, didn’t seem right. I needed to undo all of this, take it all back to the start so I could figure out how to move forward next.
I was sure I must have misunderstood, but I knew there was no way my boss hadn’t said what she meant. When it came down to it, she knew what she wanted, and she would do anything she could to make sure it happened. If she thought I was slacking, I would be brushed off and thrown aside just like that.
She had seemed so sure and so kind before, but I could see now that it was nothing more than an act, an attempt to get me to go along with what she wanted so I could be back at work sooner. When I thought of how easily I had fallen for it, I wanted to scream. How could I have thought it was so easy? I knew how competitive this industry was, I knew how crazy it could be, and I had just been naïve enough to stand by and think I would be the exception.
Well, I had been completely disabused of that notion now, at least. I knew I was going to hit the sidewalk at the same speed as everyone else who didn’t come up to her standards. Was it so easy for her to brush me off? We had worked together for so long, and yet...
I took a bite of my sandwich, but I could barely taste the damn thing. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. How could this have happened? How could I have let it? I needed to get myself together again, even though it felt as though my mind was going to burst. I didn’t want to lose everything I had worked so hard for, but what was the alternative? Leaving this place? Just...going?
I couldn’t leave my mom like this, not when she was going to need someone to take care of her when she came back from rehab. I didn’t want to leave her with no one to take care of her, and I had come here to make sure she wouldn’t have to face it all alone. I wasn’t about to double back on it and change my mind. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t.
But there was more to it than just her, if I was being honest with myself. Much as I might have wanted to pretend it was all about the altruistic urge to take care of my mother, I knew there was more to it. I had started to settle here, to really feel comfortable again in a way I had doubted I would ever be able to, but here I was— home again and actually comfortable. Finding a new life here that looked a whole lot better than the one I had been through before.
A life with Nate.
We had only just started seeing one another, and I knew thinking in big terms like a life together was dangerous, but it felt right. His presence was comforting and grounding to me in a way not much else ever had been, especially not since I had lost Sam, and the peace and comfort I felt in it was everything I needed. I adored spending time with him, I looked forward to it, and I knew he was starting to get to the bottom of the truth of why I had left—and he hadn’t run from me. He hadn’t looked at me like a monster, or some broken freak I knew the rest of this town saw me as. He just looked at me and saw me, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had allowed something like that to happen. I could hardly stand how good it felt.
And yet, I had turned down seeing him tonight because I had known I would spill it all to him, and I didn’t want him to influence the choice I made. I might have to go back to Paris, at least for a little while, if I didn’t want to throw away everything I had been working so hard on the last few years. If I lost it, what then? What would I do when I left here...?
Before I could get too much further into thinking about it, I felt my phone buzzing and pulled it out. It was Iris, probably checking up on me. She had seemed kind of worried about me during the meeting, probably because I looked so different, and she knew that conversation with my boss alone was rarely a good thing. I answered—I knew she would just call over and over again until I did. She was persistent like that.
“Hey,” I greeted her as I lifted the phone to my ear.
“Hey, Ellie,” she replied, her voice laced with concern. “How are you doing?”
“I’m okay,” I assured her. “Just...trying to figure out what I’m going to do next, that’s all.”
“About coming to Paris?”
“About if I’m going to go there at all,” I admitted, and I heard her catch her breath in surprise.
“You’re not coming?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I just...I don’t know if it’s the right thing for me, right now, anyway. There’s so much I need to do here, and I’m not even close to done. I don’t want to flake out on it before it’s even started.”
“You won’t be flaking out on anything,” she replied, “if you really have to stay. Is it your mom? How’s she doing?”
“Not great,” I admitted. “And even worse at taking the advice she should and accepting she’s not in great shape anymore.”
“A woman in your family, not knowing when to stop?” she teased. “Say it ain’t so...”
“Yeah, I know, I know,” I conceded. “But she needs me here. I don’t want to leave her. The house has so much work that still needs to be done on it, I’m not going to make my mother take care of it, not in her state...”
I trailed off. There was more to it, too, but I didn’t know how to put it into words. I wished I had the nerve to come out and tell her what was going on inside my head, but I wasn’t sure if she might have been reporting back to my boss after this call, and I didn’t know I liked the idea of it.
“Is there something else?” she pressed. She wasn’t stupid; she could tell when there was more on my mind than I was letting out.
What harm could there be in telling her? Maybe it would be better to come out with the truth instead of doing all I could to hold it in. I wanted to talk to Nate about this, really, but perhaps an outside perspective would give me what I needed, too.
“I’ve met a guy here,” I admitted, finally, and I listened for any hint of a reaction, wishing I could see her face. I didn’t think I had dated in all the time I had known her, and it felt strange to even acknowledge I had feelings for someone right now. But it was true, and there was no point hiding from it or trying to deny it. When it was real, it was real, and whatever I was building with Nate...it was happening. There was no denying it.
“You have?” she replied, sounding surprised. “Didn’t realize you were the dating type, Ellie.”
“I’m not,” I admitted. “I wasn’t, anyway. But with this guy, it’s...different.”
“You sound smitten,” she remarked, more than a little taken aback by how I was speaking. I wasn’t sure why I was spilling this to her, but I figured there was no harm in telling her the truth. I just wanted an outside opinion on it, someone who wasn’t here in the midst of everything in Maple Valley to tell me if I was acting too crazy or if I had a point I might not have wanted to admit to.
“I think I am,” I confessed quietly. Saying it out loud was hard enough; I didn’t want anyone else to hear me.
“So tell me about this guy,” she pressed. “What’s he like? Did you know him before you went back?”
“No, he’s new here,” I explained. “He’s a doctor. He’s the one who called me out here, actually, back when my mom first had her accident...”
I filled her in on all of it, feeling a relief as I finally confided everything in someone else. I needed other people to hear about this, other people who could tell me it was real. I needed to speak it out into the world just to make sure it didn’t get lost and so I could ensure my feelings were as real as they seemed in my head.
“Damn, girl,” she exclaimed when I was done. “And you’re even thinking about coming to Paris in the middle of all of that?”
I laughed a little shakily. I knew what she meant. The romantic side of me wanted to forget work and focus on him, but I knew there was more to life than romance, and I couldn’t forget it. I had worked too hard to get where I was in my job, and if I threw it all away for some guy I had known for a couple of months, would I ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again?
“Yeah, but I could lose my job,” I pointed out. “I don’t think I would be able to forgive myself if I did. I need that job. It keeps me sane, and besides, my mom might need the extra money coming in to take care of her.”
Iris fell silent for a moment, and I could see her pondering what I had just said. She must have been having a hard time coming up with a good reason for me not to do as I had just said, to come back and start over there as though nothing had changed. Perhaps she was more of a romantic than I was.
“Send me a picture of this guy,” she ordered me. “Let me see if he’s worth it.”
I laughed but decided to do as she asked. We had a couple from the fair, when we were out with his friends, and I lingered over them for a moment before I fired them off. He looked so handsome. I could hardly see anything else in the picture at all.
I sent the picture to Iris, and a second later, she replied.
“Damn!” she said. “He’s seriously hot. And a doctor, too? What are you waiting for? Lock it down!”
I laughed again, shaking my head.
“We’ve only known each other a couple of months,” I pointed out. “And we’re only really just...together. I don’t know how it’s going to go long-term. And I don’t know if I can justify losing my job over it.”
“You really think she’d get rid of you?” Iris asked.
I sighed. “That’s what it sounded like she was getting at when she was on the phone with me,” I replied. “I thought I might be able to handle her, but she sounds surer than ever.”
“Shit,” she muttered. “She’s a hard-ass, but I didn’t realize how much of a hard-ass she was.”
She fell silent again, musing on what I had just told her. I figured it must have been a lot for her to take in, the reality of me actually dating someone after so long of just being focused on my job and my work and how much I could get out of it. Me turning up with a man who was causing me all this heartache was crazy.
“And I’m not even sure he’s going to stay,” I blurted out, filling the quiet between us.
“Stay how?”
“In Maple Valley,” I explained. “He prefers the big city. I don’t think he’s going to stay here much longer than he has to. What if I stay back in the hopes something happens, and then he takes off and leaves me here?”
“I would follow him wherever he went, but that’s just me and hot doctors,” Iris remarked. I giggled. It felt good to get some of this off of my chest, even if it hurt to put a lot of it into words. I didn’t know how to express to her how confused I was, how much I wished there was an answer to this. I wanted someone to come along, point to the solution, and make it obvious for me, but instead, I was stuck with this ugly mess inside my head I didn’t know how to sort through.
“But I get it,” she continued. “You don’t want to give up everything if he’s not going to do the same thing, but it’s way too early to ask him if he would, right?”
“Exactly,” I agreed with a heavy sigh. I didn’t know what the right answer was in all of this, though heaven only knew I wished I did.
“So what are you going to do?” she asked as though I could just come up with an answer for her right there and there. I pinched the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger, wishing I could just magic up an answer already. I didn’t know how much longer I could live in this state of un-knowing, and it had only been a matter of hours.
“I have no fucking idea,” I admitted finally. Nothing would come close enough to matching the truth of what was going through my head.
“You need to follow your heart,” she urged me. “Wherever it takes you. You don’t have to throw away your career, and you don’t have to be with this guy if you’re not sure—you just do what feels right, okay?”
I nodded. I knew she was right, but I had no idea what it looked like to make the right call. I wished someone would just lay out the answer for me, right in front of me, as though it was the most natural thing in the world. I didn’t know where the end of either path was for me, and so following them felt nearly impossible. I didn’t like taking chances on something I didn’t know the outcome of, but this was all I could do now. I was trapped between Maple Valley and going to Paris.
“I’ll figure it out,” I told her as kindly as I could. I didn’t want to tell her one way or another what I was actually going to do because I still didn’t have any real idea yet. I had to find one, though, and soon, because the reality of all of this was becoming more than I could cope with. I felt as though I was going to scream, tear the hair from my head. How had I finally found someone who I felt this kind of connection with, and I was already being forced to choose between them and the rest of my life?
I took the phone out on to the porch and sat in the old loveseat out there to watch the sun go down somewhere over the horizon. I didn’t want to talk about what I was going through; I wanted to talk about her life—what I had missed at work, what I needed to catch up on. I wished I could be there next to her, just chilling with a glass of wine or something, instead of caught between this rock and a hard place.
“I should really get going,” she told me a little reluctantly, once we had been on the phone for about an hour or so. “It’s late here.”
“Yeah, same,” I agreed, and I knew what she was going to ask before she so much as opened her mouth.
“Are you going to come to Paris?” she asked. I wished I had an answer for her, but I didn’t.
“I have no idea,” I confessed. “I...I need some time to think.”
“Well, if you do, you come to me first, okay?” she told me. “I want to catch up on everything. Especially this guy.”
“You have my word,” I promised her. “You’ll be the first to know about anything.”
“Exactly,” she replied, sounding pleased with herself. “You know what makes sense.”
“I’ll speak to you soon, okay?” I told her, and I meant it. It felt good to get a little of the weight off my chest for the time being, to talk to someone else about the truth of it all.
“You better,” she warned me. “This is too juicy for me to miss out on, okay?”
“Got it,” I agreed with a chuckle. “You have my word.”
And with that, we said our goodbyes, and I laid my phone on my lap and stared off into space as I tried to work out what the hell I was going to do now. I felt like I was losing my mind. Every bit of sense inside of me was falling away like it had never been there in the first place, and I didn’t have a damn clue how I was supposed to get out of it.
But then I saw his car rolling up the driveway toward me, and I figured I might have to face all of this a little sooner than I’d thought.
