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I pulled the car to a halt outside her house, and she waved her hand from where she was sitting on the porch to greet me. I was surprised to see her out, and I didn’t want to assume anything by it—had she been blowing me off so she could see someone else...?
But judging by the smile on her face, she didn’t seem to be struggling too much with my arrival. She came down the steps to give me a hug, and I held her close, smelling her hair. I had only seen her the day before, how was it I was already so needy for her again?
“It’s good to see you,” she murmured as she pulled back to look up at me. There was something written on her face, something strange, as though there was a question she needed to ask but didn’t quite have the words to get it out.
“Are you okay?” I asked, and she nodded. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, but I ignored it. I could deal with it later.
“Come in,” she told me, slipping her hand into mine. “I think we need to talk.”
I followed her in, not questioning it for a second. After everything that had happened, it would have been strange if she didn’t want to try to put at least some of it into words. I knew she must have been struggling with the reality of what our new romance meant, but maybe we could figure it out together if we took a little time and focused our energy on doing what was right. I just wanted her to know she could trust me; she could tell me anything, even if sometimes it felt too much for her to take in.
She poured herself a cup of tea, and I quickly checked my phone to make sure the message wasn’t from the clinic—I didn’t want to leave anyone in the lurch if I could help it, and I knew it was for the best to keep my eyes open, especially after what had happened with Alex.
But when I saw the email waiting for me there, my lips parted in shock. It was from a hospital in Chicago—with regards, the subject line said, to an open position as head of their emergency on-call unit. Shit. This was big. Really big. Not the kind of offer I was expecting to receive. How had they even heard of me? I clicked it open at once, checking to see if it was real, and as I scanned down the page, I realized Ellie was talking to me.
“Sorry, what?” I asked, closing my phone and putting it away. I needed to be here, with her, and I wasn’t going to achieve it if I ignored whatever it was she had invited me in to talk about.
But her face fell as soon as it clicked I hadn’t been listening to her. I felt a stir of guilt, hating myself for not paying attention to what she had been saying.
“You didn’t hear any of that?” she asked. Honestly, the offer I’d just seen was ringing in my head, screaming for my attention, and I hated how easy it had been for me to tune her out in the process. She was trying to tell me something important, and the last thing she needed was for me to brush her off like this.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it was something from work,” I repeated, holding up my phone again and pulling a face. “What were you saying?”
“It doesn’t matter,” she muttered. But it clearly did. I cursed myself for being so stupid and tried to pull her back to me.
“I’m listening now,” I promised her. “I’m sorry. Tell me again?”
She looked up at me. “What was the message about?” she asked, nodding to my phone. “The one from work? Is it something important?”
“It could be,” I replied with a shrug, but I was doing a bad job containing my excitement. It must have been written all over my face because she raised her eyebrows at me expectantly.
“So? What is it?”
“I got an offer from a hospital in Chicago,” I replied, spreading my hands wide. “And they want me to work there. Full-time position, starting in a few months. So I have my out, and it’s a good one.”
“That’s...that’s great news,” she told me, and it was clear she was doing her best to be as genuine as possible—but I could tell she was having a hard time with it. I furrowed my brow.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she replied, shaking her head. “That’s really good news for you. It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it really is,” I agreed. “I didn’t think I’d get a chance, but it looks like someone’s been paying attention to me down here. Feels good, it really does.”
“I can imagine,” she replied, her voice clipped, careful. She wasn’t giving anything away right now. She was telling me what I wanted to hear and no more.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her, and she shook her head again. She didn’t want to talk about it. It must have had something to do with what she had told me while I was looking at my phone, and I was pissed I had managed to miss it, even though I was here to talk to her.
“Nothing, I told you,” she shot back. “I’m happy for you. You’ll be out of this town in no time, that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”
I stared at her. “I didn’t say that.”
“Look at the way you reacted,” she pointed out. “It’s not hard to see how you feel about it, now, is it?”
“Is that so wrong?” I asked, shaking my head. “This is a big deal for me. I don’t want to pass it up—”
“And I don’t want you to, either,” she replied. “This is what you want. You should go after it.”
She wasn’t even looking at me, and it was clear the pain was coming from deep inside her right now. I needed to get to the bottom of it.
“What was it you were telling me?” I asked her. “Before? What was going through your mind?”
“It doesn’t matter now.”
“It matters to me,” I told her firmly. “It—it matters to me a lot, Ellie. What did you want to talk with me about?”
“You really want to know?”
“I really do,” I replied, and I took her hand. She didn’t pull it away from me, instead looking down at our fingers laced together as though they had belonged there her entire life. I knew how she felt. But why did she seem so sad about it?
“I was telling you that I’ve started to fall in love with you,” she murmured finally, after a long, long silence. The words caught in my head at how sad they were even though the two of us should have been happy right now.
“And that I’m really thinking about staying here longer, now that I’ve found you,” she continued, her eyes drifting from mine. I didn’t know what to say to her—some part of me felt the same way, but another knew damn well I had blown it all by telling her I wanted to leave.
“I have to stay here to take care of my mom, I know that,” she continued. “And I was wondering if the two of us might be able to make something work long-term. I wanted to talk to you about it, but...well, it sounds like you’ve made your decision.”
I kept my mouth shut. I had done enough talking for the day already, and I didn’t want to walk myself into any more of a mess than I already had. I needed to go back in time, just a little while, so I could hide what I had said to her. I needed to hear it first, I needed to know what she had to say. If I had heard these words...
“Ellie, I’m sorry,” I told her finally. “I didn’t mean to hurt you...”
“I know you didn’t,” she replied sadly, and the sound of her hopelessness made my stomach twist into a knot. She was in pain right now, and I didn’t know how to take it away, didn’t even know where to start.
She was guiding me toward the porch, clearly doing her best to chase me out of here before I could do more damage than I already had. I wanted to reach for her, to tell her how sorry I was and how much I wanted to take it all back, but she wouldn’t have listened to me. Why would she? She had heard what she needed to. As far as she was concerned, I was leaving, and she wasn’t going to give me a chance to undo what I had just said.
“But you have to do what’s best for you,” she told me. Her voice seemed devoid of emotion now, as though she was tamping it down inside of herself to keep it from overflowing. I could see it written all over her face, but as far as she was concerned, I was the one who had done this to her, and she wasn’t going to give me the satisfaction of seeing her hurt.
“I’m sorry, Ellie,” I murmured to her, but she shook her head.
“You have nothing to be sorry about,” she promised me as she lifted her gaze and looked into my eyes. “You deserve that job. You’re a great doctor.”
She crossed her arms on the porch and stood there for a moment, just looking at me, as though there was more on her mind than she could make sense of.
And then, without saying another word, she turned to head back into the house, closing the door behind her and leaving me standing there in the cooling evening air. What was going on right now? What was happening? Was I supposed to go after her? She didn’t strike me as the type who would take too well to someone pushing into her personal space, so I figured it was time to give her a little time to herself. But—but shit, I was already scared I had just managed to blow this for good.
I climbed back into the car and did my best to calm myself down, but it felt nigh-on impossible with the panic rushing around right now. Did I take the job? I couldn’t say no; she was right, this opportunity was too huge for me. But if I left her, then I knew there was no way I was going to be able to turn back time and show her how much I cared for her. For Ellie, love meant staying, and I didn’t know if I could give it to her, at least so soon. I needed to be kind to her, needed to keep her close, but I couldn’t expect her to just do whatever I wanted her to. She had a life of her own. A world of her own. And I knew it wasn’t fair for me to think she would drop it all and come with me.
She had wanted to speak to me because she loved me. The weight of it hung heavy over my head, and I did my best to deal with the shock of it. Because I loved her, too, I did—I was starting to, in the warm, early stages of it settling over me.
I didn’t want to lose out on her, what we had.
I drove straight home, not even looking back over my shoulder to where I had left her. I didn’t know what the hell was going to happen now, but I knew I had put everything I was building here at risk, and I didn’t know how to put it all back together again.
Or even if I would be able to, after what I had just said to her.
