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I tipped my head back and caught my breath, the cold air tearing into my lungs and bringing me back down to Earth with a thud.
How long had I been running for? I didn’t even know, but my legs were starting to burn, and I knew I needed to turn around and head home.
I had come out here in the hopes of clearing my head, but honestly, if anything, it had only made me more tired. I wanted to go back home and sleep, but I knew I needed to work through at least some of what had happened tonight, leaving me feeling so lost and helpless.
I thought she would be happy for me. I really did. I thought, when she heard about the offer I’d received, she’d be happy for me, glad I didn’t have to stay down here forever. She’d always known I was going to leave, right? I felt as though I had made it as clear as day. Maple Valley was a nice enough place, but there was far more out there for both me and her than could be contained in this small town. I didn’t want to forget it.
And now, I had this offer sitting there for me in my inbox, the kind of thing I would have killed to see a year or so ago. It was a big deal, would mean a major step-up in my life, and I wondered if I could really turn it down. It was the kind of offer they didn’t make twice—if you turned it down, there would be a million more people waiting in line for it.
So why hadn’t I emailed them back already to tell them I wanted it? I knew it wouldn’t stick around for long, and if I lost it, I would never be able to forgive myself. And yet—and yet, there was a part of me that wanted to brush it off. Pretend like I had never seen it and undo what had just happened with Ellie.
When I had arrived home, I had been so brittle with energy I had needed to do something to get it out and had settled on a run. My lungs burned in the cold air as my legs pumped underneath me, and I tried to clear out the messy thoughts.
I couldn’t get the look on her face out of my mind. She had seemed so shattered when I had told her about the job, when she had seen how excited I was about it, but what else could I do? It wasn’t as though I could just lie to her and tell her I didn’t care. This was a huge deal for me, and I thought it was something she would have been happy about.
But maybe I had been stuck in my own head too much. I had thought she would be able to see it from my point of view, but instead, she had just seen it as a promise I was going to leave. Whatever we had here, it had been built on the shifting sands of the unspoken knowledge we both had lives outside of here, but we had been doing far too good a job ignoring it recently. Now this email was sitting in my inbox, the sharp reminder of what we really had beyond each other, there was no denying it.
And what was I going to do now there was no way for me to hide from it any longer? I couldn’t turn this thing down, but if I took it, it would be confirmation we were on a time limit, and I didn’t know if I could handle that. I liked her, a lot, and it felt as though everything we had been through already should have been enough to make our future free of any issues. But it wasn’t—it didn’t work that way. We were still struggling. We still had reality to contend with.
I turned and started to walk back toward the house, sweat dripping down my forehead even though it was so cold out here tonight. I couldn’t stand the thought of having hurt her the way I had, but there was no way I could turn back time and undo it. What had happened, what we had been through, it was real, and now I had reminded her there was an expiration date on this, and it wasn’t fair on her to sit there and watch the clock run down with me. She deserved better.
I thought about taking a turn to walk to her place so we could talk, but the way she had kicked me out, she had made it clear there was no way she wanted to see me that evening. I didn’t blame her. She must have been hurting. I didn’t want to be the one who caused her that kind of pain, but I didn’t know how else I could get her to see things from my point of view. I didn’t want to hurt her, but how could I not? Hurt seemed to have been built into us from the start: her mother’s pain bringing her back to this town, my attempts to treat it putting me in touch with the family in the first place.
I didn’t know what else I could do right now but walk and hope it would burn away some of the energy still lingering in my mind. I knew I would need to make a decision soon; the hospital wouldn’t wait long before they started looking for someone else to take my spot, and I didn’t want to deal with the reality of losing out on something I had wanted for so long—but was it so easy? Was it something I could just walk into, walk away from this life I had been making here?
I had known this place was a stopover, but that didn’t mean it hadn’t been fun for a while. The quietness of it, the peace, I enjoyed it more than I should have. I enjoyed it like someone who could see themselves staying there, and maybe I had allowed myself to start to believe it, even when I should have known better—even when I should have been surer of myself. Maple Valley was a cute little town, but I didn’t know if I could stay out here hiding in it forever.
She had a life to get back to as well—her job, her career. I knew how hard she had worked for it, and she would have been crazy to turn it all in. I didn’t want her to, but if we were going to stay together, one of us was going to have to sacrifice what we had worked for all these years—and I didn’t know if I could do it. I didn’t know if I could take that kind of leap, not after everything I had worked for.
But I liked her. I really did. There was something special here, something I hadn’t allowed myself to feel for longer than I would have cared to admit. The chemistry between us was crazy, and, as we both picked away at the walls we’d put up, I could see more underneath it. I could see a connection which ran deeper than anything I’d felt for a woman before, and I didn’t want to lose it. I didn’t want to let it slip through my fingers.
Shit. This was too painful right now. I should have been celebrating this new job offer, but instead, I felt torn up inside, unable to handle the sharp edges of the reality of the situation unfolding before me right now. Could she tell? Could she feel it, too? Could she see it slipping away from us before we’d even had a chance to see where it went?
I realized I had arrived back at the house again, and I closed my eyes and sank down on to my haunches to catch my breath. I was exhausted. Fucking exhausted. Not just from the run, but from all of it. From the weight of everything I had to deal with right now, from the pain of fearing I might be about to lose her if I didn’t do something to handle this.
If I lost her...I couldn’t even think about it. I knew we were still so new, but this was the first time I had allowed myself to feel this way about anyone in a long time. I didn’t want to lose it. I didn’t know how long it would be before it came around again, if it ever did. I was getting older, and I knew my chances of finding the right woman were getting smaller and smaller with each passing day.
Or maybe I had already found her. I felt like I had. The evening we’d spent at the fair, how fun and easy it had been, it had made me certain I wanted her for the long run.
I headed into the house, the pain in my muscles burning with every step, but it was nothing compared to the discomfort in my head as I tried to work out what I was going to do next. I could see the look on her face, the pain in her eyes, and I wanted nothing more than to be the one to take it all away and make her feel as though she had nothing to worry about anymore. But now, I was starting to think I was nothing more than the cause of all of her trouble, the reason she was struggling so hard. If I hadn’t come into her life, she would never have had to deal with the reality of what was going on now between us.
Too late to take it back. I made my way to the shower, going up the stairs with heavy legs before I finally slipped beneath the warm water and tried to wash off the rest of this day from my body.
I needed to see her, but she was gone—utterly and totally. She needed her space right now. For tonight, at least. But after this, maybe I could go back to her and try to make it right.
As the water rushed over my body, I thought of having her close to me again—her head on my chest, the slow rise and fall as she slept, how comfortable she seemed wrapped up in my body like that.
And I knew I couldn’t let it go so easily. I had to fight for this. I didn’t know what it looked like yet, but I had to try.
No matter what it took. For me, and for her. For us.
For both of us.
