Dorothy Parker
The hostess, all smiles and sparkles and small, abortive dance steps, led the young man with the sideburns across the room to where sat the girl who had twice been told she looked like Clara Bow.
“There she is!” she cried. “Here’s the girl we’ve been looking for! Miss French, let me make you acquainted with Mr. Bartlett.”
“Pleased to meet up with you social,” said Mr. Bartlett.
“Pardon my wet glove,” said Miss French.
“Oh, you two!” said the hostess. “I’ve just been dying to get you two together. I knew you’d get on just like nothing at all. Didn’t I tell you he had a marvelous line, Alice? What’d I tell you, Jack—didn’t I say over and over again she was a scream? And she’s always like this. You wait till you know her as well as I do! Goodness, I just wish I could stay here and listen to you.”
However, frustrated in her desire, she smiled heartily, waved her hand like a dear little baby shaking bye-bye, and schottisched across the floor to resume the burdens of hospitality.
“Hey, where have you been all my life?” said the young man who had a marvelous line.
“Don’t be an Airedale,” said the girl who was always like this.
“Any objection if I sit down?” he said.
“Go right ahead,” she said. “Sit down and take a load off your feet.”
“I’ll do that little thing for you,” he said. “Sit down before I fall down, what? Some party, isn’t it? What a party this turned out to be!”
“And how!” she said.
“‘And how’ is right,” he said. “’S wonderful.”
“’S marvelous,” she said.
“’S awful nice,” he said.
“’S Paradise,” she said.
“Right there with the comeback, aren’t you?” he said. “What a girl you turned out to be! Some girl, aren’t you?”
“Oh, don’t be an Airedale,” she said.
“Just a real good girl,” he said. “Some little looker, too. Where did you get those big, blue eyes from, anyway? Don’t you know I’m the guy that always falls for big, blue eyes?”
“You would,” she said. “You’re just the tripe.”
“Hey, listen, listen,” he said. “Lay off for a minute, will you? Come on, now, get regular. Aren’t you going to tell me where you got those big, blue eyes?”
“Oh, don’t be ridic,” she said. “They are not big! Are they?”
“Are they big!” he said. “You don’t know they’re big, do you? Oh, no, nobody ever told you that before. And you don’t know what you do to me, when you look up like that, do you? Yes, you don’t!”
“I wouldn’t know about that,” she said.
“Ah, stop that, will you?” he said. “Go ahead, now, come clean. Tell me where you got those big, blue eyes.”
“What’s your idea in bringing that up?” she said.
“And your hair’s pretty cute, too,” he said. “I suppose you don’t know you’ve got pretty cute hair. You wouldn’t know about that, would you?”
“Even if that was good, I wouldn’t like it,” she said.
“Come on, now, Miss Moran and Mack,” he said. “Don’t you know that hair of yours is pretty cute?”
“’S wonderful,” she said. “’S marvelous.”
“That you should care for me?” he said.
“Oh, don’t be an Airedale,” she said.
“I could care for you in a big way,” he said. “What those big, blue eyes of yours do to me is nobody’s business. Know that?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t know about that,” she said.
“Hey, listen,” he said, “what are you trying to do—run me ragged? Don’t you ever stop kidding? When are you going to tell me where you got your big, blue eyes?”
“Oh, pull yourself together,” she said.
“I’d have to have a care with a girl like you,” he said. “Watch my step, that’s what I’d have to do.”
“Don’t be sil,” she said.
“You know what?” he said. “I could get a girl like you on the brain.”
“The what?” she said.
“Ah, come on, come on,” he said. “Lay off that stuff, will you? Tell me where you’ve been keeping yourself, anyhow. Got any more like you around the house?”
“’S all there is,” she said. “‘R’ isn’t any more.”
“That’s K.O. with me,” he said. “One like you’s enough. What those eyes of yours do to me is plenty! Know it?”
“I wouldn’t know about that,” she said.
“That dress of yours slays me,” he said. “Where’d you get the catsy dress? Hm?”
“Don’t be an Airedale,” she said.
“Hey, where’d you get that expression, anyway?” he said.
“It’s a gift,” she said.
“‘Gift’ is right,” he said. “And how.”
“You ain’t heard nothin’ yet,” she said.
“You slay me,” he said. “I’m telling you. Where do you get all your stuff from?”
“What’s your idea in bringing that up?” she said.
*
The hostess, with enhanced sparkles, romped over to them.
“Well, for heaven’s sakes!” she cried. “Aren’t you two even going to look at anybody else? What do you think of her, Jack? Isn’t she cute?”
“Is she cute!” he said.
“Isn’t he marvelous, Alice?” asked the hostess.
“You’d be surprised,” she said.
The hostess cocked her head, like a darling, mischievous terrier puppy, and sparkled whimsically at them.
“Oh, you two!” she said. “Didn’t I tell you you’d get on just like nothing at all?”
“And how!” said the girl who was always like this.
“‘And how’ is right!” said the young man who had the marvelous line.
“You two!” cooed the hostess. “I could listen to you all night.”