CHAPTER ELEVEN

Destroyer (Sanaa’s Ending)

As Sanaa sat in a counseling session with Ms. Davis and the four other swoop girls, she felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. As the subject “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” came up, Sanaa reflected on her friendship with Toni. Sanaa had always considered herself a great friend, but she knew she’d really let Toni down. As much as she wanted to detest Toni for the altercation the two of them got in a few weeks ago, she knew it was at least partially her fault.

“What are you thinking, Sanaa?” Ms. Davis asked.

“Yeah, girl, you’re mighty quiet,” Willow stated with a little funk in her attitude.

Nonchalantly, Sanaa uttered, “I don’t really have much to say. I’m cool listening to everybody else.”

“Ah, you got something to share,” Willow said, rolling her eyes Sanaa’s way. “We all being real. Don’t kill the party. I’m telling y’all about my parents’ separation. Olive is talking about how it feels to feel abandoned. Octavia is talking about how back when she was in middle school she used to cut herself because she felt so alone. Pia mentioned her mom just got out of rehab. And you won’t say nothing? We supposed to believe yo’ crap don’t stink? All can’t be right in your world.”

“Ease up off of her,” Pia said, lightly tapping Willow’s arm.

Ms. Davis forcefully said, “That’s right, Willow, be respectful. If she doesn’t want to share, she doesn’t have to share.”

Teasing but serious, Willow laughed and said, “Bull. Come on, Ms. Davis. I’m just sayin’. Either we all going to share and be transparent, or we all need to keep our business to ourselves.”

“Okay, okay,” Sanaa said, frustrated with the pressure. “If you must know, I ain’t saying nothing because I didn’t want to hear what y’all have to say about it.”

“No one here is going to condemn you,” Ms. Davis said with a reassuring tone.

“I know,” Sanaa replied with a smile, “but I guess I felt guilty.”

Everyone was looking at her to elaborate. And even though she still didn’t want to, she knew it might help. So she held her head down, took a deep breath, and looked straight at them.

“Spit it out, Sanaa!” Willow shouted.

“Why you always so brash with everybody?” Sanaa quickly snapped back.

“Because we’re about to graduate, and this has been a crazy year. If we going to have any kind of friendship, we need to keep it real, right?”

“Yeah, Willow, but it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it,” Sanaa told her.

Willow bluntly scoffed back, “So you some baby now? You want me to spoon-feed you the thoughts going through my mind? All of us are sharing and trusting each other with what we say. Why should I be alright with you keeping everything all bottled up?”

Sanaa let the tears well up in her eyes. She said, “Fine! You wanna know my thoughts. I feel like a traitor.”

“Yeah, we know you feel bad that you didn’t tell Toni that Miles liked you instead of her,” Olive said, wondering why that was difficult for Sanaa to share.

Sanaa breathed hard. “No, dang it, this isn’t about Miles. I feel guilty because the close friendship that we are forging, I never had this close a bond with Toni. Bottom line, I’ve let you guys in in a whole lot of ways that I never have with her. And I used to call her my best friend.”

“Well, she’s just a jealous wench anyway,” Willow said.

“Willow,” Ms. Davis added. “Be nice.”

Willow mouthed “sorry” to Ms. Davis and said, “I just want her to ease up on herself. It’s hard to give your heart to somebody you know doesn’t have your back.”

“Right, right, right,” Sanaa said. “But maybe, if I’m honest with myself, it wasn’t just about her being jealous of me. Maybe I was jealous of her too. I think the competition went both ways. We both were competing with each other. I wasn’t trying to hurt her when it came to spending time with Miles, but—” Sanaa became extra emotional.

“It’s okay,” Ms. Davis said when Sanaa couldn’t finish her sentence.

Whimpering, Sanaa said, “I just want to be a better person, ya know? And I care about each of you guys. I give all of you my all, and it’s not about a competition. I know how blessed I am to have you all. Though I truly detest that we got here from being on that crazy list, I know I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And I don’t know if I can salvage anything with Toni because I blamed her for so long for everything. I now see that so much of it was my fault too.”

“Girls, if you don’t want to repeat bad patterns in your life,” Ms. Davis began, “sometimes it’s good to look out the back door of your life, sit there for a minute, and think about your past mistakes. Not to make yourself feel bad, but to figure out how to be better than your bad choices.”

They all nodded. Sanaa really took in Ms. Davis’s wise counsel. What was done was done, but her past didn’t have to break her.

As soon as they finished their session, Willow asked Sanaa if they could hang out. The last period of the day was about to end. Sanaa was shocked that Willow was so warm and fuzzy. Willow had moved on. Sanaa loved that they could vent with each other and not hold grudges.

“Sure,” Sanaa said. “I just need to take care of something. I’ll meet you at my car, and we can grab something to eat and chat.”

“I didn’t mean to come off so mean,” Willow said. “That’s just me, ya know, a little brash. I’m working on it.”

“I got you.”

Sanaa went to Toni’s classroom. When the last bell rang and Toni came out, Sanaa tried to call her over. Toni walked the other way as soon as she spotted her, so Sanaa jogged up behind her.

“I just wanted to apologize.”

“What? For scratching up the back of my neck?” Toni yelled as she pulled her hair up to show Sanaa her marked-up neck.

Sanaa frowned. “No. For not being a best friend.”

Toni stuck her finger in Sanaa’s face and shouted, “Well, how about this, I don’t want your stinky apology! Shame on me for allowing you into my world. You let me down, but I’m not going to let you do it again. I don’t want or need your pitiful friendship. Stay the heck away! You are a taker and a loser and a destroyer!”