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ZOE
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“Zoe? Come on, let’s get you out of here.” There it was again, Julius’s voice, caring and concerned, for her. Maybe she was dead, maybe this was her version of heaven, a place with Julius, where he was her friend again, where he loved her. A warmth spread throughout Zoe’s torso, he was like sunshine, chasing away all of her shadows.
“No,” a sob broke free from her, “he despises you, remember? Stupid, stupid, Zoe,” her teeth clattered together as she mimicked her mother’s tone of voice, the cruel words helping to shore up her defences, to stem the flow of pain in her heart.
“Zoe, I don’t despise you, I love you.” The words were whispered so softly, Zoe wasn’t sure she had heard them at all, as the darkness that had danced around her eyes finally claimed her and she sunk into a dreamless sleep.
Why was she rocking? Was she on a boat? Zoe’s eyes flew open, only to be met with the swaying of the trees above her, and the sound of people talking.
“There you are, you gave us quite a scare, passing out like that. The doc said it was most likely exhaustion, he fixed you up with a drip, so don’t go wriggling around too much, okay?”
“Okay,” Zoe spoke, her eyes finally locating the source of the voice, an elderly man at her feet. She was on a stretcher, up ahead she could see an ambulance, and Sarah, they had made it out, hopefully, Sarah would be okay.
There was no sign of Julius, not that Zoe had really expected there to be, she had known it was just a cruel dream, her mind playing tricks on her, but she couldn’t stop the weight of despair settling on her chest, and she wrapped her arms around her waist in an attempt to hold herself together.
She would not cry over Julius, not here, not in front of anyone, not ever. She would do what she did best whenever someone hurt her, she would hold her head high and pretend that it hadn’t happened.
After all, she was good at that, hiding her feelings deep inside, never to see the light of day.
Zoe was loaded into the ambulance with Sarah and piled high with heated blankets.
“You saved my life,” the other woman spoke, smiling at Zoe.
“It was what anyone would have done. I’m glad you’re okay.” Zoe closed her eyes again, not wanting to engage in conversation, pressing her lips tightly together as yet another cramp tore through her stomach, her balled up hands tightly by her side, her nails digging into the soft flesh of her palms.
So, this is how it ended, her short foray into motherhood, her only foray into motherhood. Julius might have called this child unwanted; he had obviously felt the same way about Zoe, and while she had to agree that this pregnancy was unplanned, it had still been a part of him, the only part of him that she had left.
A stray tear forced itself out from under her lashes and she brushed it away furiously, rolling onto her side and clamping her hands over her mouth.
Zoe stayed that way for the remainder of the short ride to the hospital, slamming her eyes shut and ignoring the paramedic as he checked her vital signs, pretending that she couldn’t hear the gentle way the second paramedic spoke to Sarah, in a voice as soothing and as familiar as Julius’s voice.
If this experience had shown her anything, it was that she needed to get out of this place, she needed to get away from every memory of Julius. She needed a new job. It wouldn’t be hard, she was highly skilled, and she could secure a job at any major hospital of her choice.
It would be hard to leave here, although she wouldn’t say she had friends, she did have colleagues that she enjoyed working with, and she would miss them. Zoe was still thinking about it as she was wheeled into the emergency department, and while she waited for a doctor to do a check-up so that she could be discharged.
When Julius walked into the room with her file, she knew that she had made her decision.
She sat, stony-faced, as he took her blood pressure and temperature, refusing to make eye contact.
“Any headaches?” His lean fingers probed her scalp for any sign of injury.
“No.”
“Any bites?” Zoe snatched her arm away as he tried to check for bite marks.
“No.”
“Any injuries at all?” He set her chart down and looked at her fully.
“No.” She hissed, biting down on her bottom lip as another cramp tore through her.
“Damn it, Zoe! Your blood pressure is raised and I can tell that you’re in pain, so stop being a martyr and tell me what’s wrong.” Julius had never snapped at her before, not even when she had told him that she was pregnant, and her mouth fell open in surprise.
“It’s your lucky day,” Zoe’s voice was hoarse, thick with unshed tears, “it seems like your little problem has taken care of itself.”
“Zoe, no!” She ignored the false distress in his tone. “When?”
“In the ambulance earlier.”
“In the ambulance, and you never said anything?”
“Why would I, I was doing you a favour by keeping my mouth shut, we both know how you felt about this to start with, besides, who would I tell? Even if I had my phone, we both know you wouldn’t have appreciated me phoning you to tell you anything, although, maybe you would have liked to have heard this news as it was happening, save yourself some time and energy in trying to fix the problem.” Zoe knew she was acting spiteful but couldn’t bring herself to care.
“Why would you phone me? I was right there in the ambulance, I could have helped you, I could have held your hand, I know how much pain you must have been in.”
“You were in the ambulance? Right, whatever.” Zoe shook her head. “You would have held my hand? Why? To keep up the appearance of being my friend? I’ll pass, and another thing, you have absolutely no idea what I feel, so don’t pretend that you do,” Zoe spat out at him, “now, I want a new doctor, I no longer wish to be treated by you.” With that, Zoe rolled over, turning her back to Julius.
As much as he hated her as a person, he always treated his patients well, and Zoe soon found herself face-to-face with a new doctor. After explaining to him what had happened, he insisted on running a series of tests, and it wasn’t until later that evening that he returned with the test results.
“Thank you, doctor, can I go home now?”
“Normally I would insist on an overnight stay at the very least, do you have someone at home who can take care of you?”
“No, I live alone.”
“I see. What about a boyfriend? Friend? A family member?”
“Nothing, it’s just me.”
“I see. It really is important that you are watched during the first twenty-four hours.”
“I’m taking her home, doctor, I’ve already cleared my schedule.” Julius appeared in the doorway.
“Ah, Julius! Well, there you go then,” the doctor smiled at Zoe, everyone knew that Julius and Zoe were best friends, “you’ll be in good hands.”
Zoe wanted to argue, wanted to scream and rage, but she wanted to go home even more, so she kept her mouth shut and got dressed to leave. She pasted on a smile and nodded to everyone who wished her a speedy recovery on her way out to the carpark.
Once in the carpark, out of the view of other staff members, Zoe dropped her pretence of a smile and headed for the main road, intent on walking home.
“Where are you going?”
“Home.”
“I said I was driving you home, now get in.” Julius’s arm snaked out and grabbed her elbow, turning her around, towards the back of the carpark, where his car was parked.
Reluctantly, Zoe slid in, trying not to remember the last time that she had been in Julius’s car, or what had happened afterwards. She moved as close to the door as was possible, determined not to have any part of her body touching him, no matter how briefly, earning a snort of laughter from Julius. “Don’t worry, I have no intention of touching you.” The sting of his words pierced her chest and ricocheted through the cavity where her heart had once been.
Julius pulled up outside of her place and parked, getting out of his car and walking her to the front door.
“Well, goodbye,” Zoe nodded at Julius.
“I meant what I said, I’m staying the night, you shouldn’t be alone.”
“You can't be serious! This is my house; I don’t want you here.”
“That never used to be an issue.” Julius smiled at her, stepping closer.
“It is now.” The blood drained from her face as Julius casually placed his hands next to her head, effectively trapping her in her doorway.
“Zoe, you seem to be under the impression that I hate you, but I assure you, that isn’t the case.” His mouth spoke into her ear before slowly nibbling a line of kisses along her jaw. Zoe placed her hands on his chest and shoved, Julius stumbled back a step, her hand connecting with his face with a loud crack.
“Don’t. Ever. Touch. Me. Again.” She hissed. “I hate you, Julius, did you hear me? I hate you.” She stormed into the house; Julius close on her heels.
“Zoe, wait, please, I’m sorry.” Zoe stopped at her bathroom door. “Please, I’m sorry, I was so angry at you, how could you think I hate you? I was there, in the ambulance, even if you don’t remember. I’ve been out all night, looking for you, desperate to find you.”
“Why? Seriously, Julius, why would you even bother?”
“I know you think I hate you, I’m sorry, I wish I could take back everything I said to you since that night, I was scared, Zoe. Scared of you finding out the truth about what I was, scared that the pregnancy might harm you, I was so scared of losing you.”
“You were so mean to me.” Zoe hated how small and sad her voice sounded.
“Zoe-”
“It doesn’t matter,” she gave Julius a huge fake smile, “what’s done is done. It didn’t work anyway, your mistake is still there,” her shoulders slumped in defeat. “I’m tired. I’m going to have a shower.”
“Wait,” Julius pulled her into his arms, holding her tight. “We’ll get through this, together, I’m not going anywhere, not ever again. I’m sorry, if you’ll let me, I’ll stand by you, both of you. You go, shower, sleep, I’ll still be here when you wake up.”
