The New Year’s Eve party was in two days, and she should be finishing preparations. Instead, Kathleen stared into her coffee cup, feeling small enough that she might fall into it and drown. That first night after her encounter with Miriam Boudreaux, she hadn’t been able to tell Whit what was wrong. She wanted to, but the words wouldn’t come. A series of terrible questions had begun passing through her exhausted brain moments before she’d heard Whit’s car on the drive. What if Whit didn’t believe her? Or worse, what if Whit thought she’d done something to deserve Boudreaux’s attentions? What if Whit secretly thought she’d asked for it, enjoyed it even? The fact that she was in the bathroom, her stomach heaving, when Whit came through the door helped her pull off her excuse of a twenty-four-hour bug.
But once Whit was sleeping soundly beside her, Kat had roused herself and gone to the base with none of her usual preparation of hair and makeup. She couldn’t explain her almost desperate desire to be around others, or why she dreaded being alone with the person who loved her the most. She’d felt almost like she was inhabiting someone else’s body, until Bett Smythe, of all people, had come to her rescue. Bett was exactly the level of camaraderie she needed. And within five minutes of meeting her mother, it was easy to see where she got her elegant refinement. She couldn’t help wondering what Ann Carlton thought of Gale Rains, but had no intention of asking—at least not right then.
It was Whit’s last night shift of the year, but Kat didn’t think she could stand even one more evening by herself. She’d been relieved when Bett and her mother readily accepted her invitation for a bridge game and dinner at her home, but Kat hadn’t expected to have such a wonderful time. She envied Ann Carlton’s ease at maintaining a level of sophistication and poise her own mother had aspired to but never really managed. Instead, her mother’s edgy anxiety always made her a bit frantic, a bit too overwrought to be gracious. Ann Carlton probably hadn’t tucked Bett in at night or greeted her with a snack after school either, but she’d seen to it that someone did. While Kathleen hadn’t ever gone hungry physically, she’d often felt starved for affection. She supposed her father was too absorbed in his business affairs to notice his wife’s disconnection with their only child, or maybe he simply didn’t see such matters as his concern. With no siblings and a nervous—sometimes volatile—mother, Kathleen Hartley had been a quiet child with no real friends. As she’d had gotten older, she’d learned how to manage without that kind of closeness. Eventually, she’d convinced herself she preferred to do without. Or so she’d thought, until Whit.
Perhaps that was why her most recent fantasies had turned toward a different kind of intimacy. She imagined being held, having her back and hair stroked tenderly, hearing sweet—not sexy—words being whispered in her ear. And the worst of it was, she knew Whit would do all of that, would do it gladly. She had only to ask. How awful that the person from whom she imagined these things was the lover of a woman she’d come to really like, to admire, even. She’d had such fun with Bett and her mother, playing bridge and talking about little, everyday matters. While Ann Carlton’s stories made her yearn for a life of glamour and style in a place like New York, Bett’s conversation was clever and quick, but never harsh or critical. She found herself really liking Bett Smythe, convinced they’d become great friends if she could only get these ridiculous daydreams under control. Besides being physically beautiful, Bett shone with an inner glow. Happiness, Kathleen imagined.
She sniffed, certain Gale would find her lacking, especially compared to Bett, exactly as she’d judged her own mother’s failings against Mrs. Carlton. It all made sense when she thought of it this way. It wasn’t only integrity that kept Gale from wanting to be with her. It was all her obvious flaws and inadequacies, not to mention the abnormalities Gale didn’t even know about.
Suddenly overwhelmed with self-loathing and resentment, she threw the coffee mug across the room. “Goddamn it!” she shouted as the cup shattered into a dozen pieces.
She was reaching for a towel when Whit appeared in the doorway. Hair tousled, wearing only her new men’s boxers and a T-shirt, she blinked repeatedly, obviously trying to wake up. “What the fuck happened?”
“It’s nothing,” Kat said, aware her voice was shaking.
“Nothing, hell. You’re crying, Kitty.”
She hadn’t even felt the tears on her face until that moment. Whit moved into the kitchen, clearly intending to comfort her.
“Don’t.” Kat stepped back, her hand outstretched. At the wounded look on Whit’s face, she knew she had to say something else, offer reassurance. She pointed at the shards of pottery from the broken cup. “I’m afraid you’ll cut your feet if you come in here. And it really is nothing.” She brushed angrily at the wetness on her cheeks. “I’m just frustrated with myself.”
Whit looked at the floor and took one careful step into the kitchen. She ran her hands along Kat’s arms. “I bet I could help you with that frustration. It’s been weeks, Kitty. To tell the truth, I’m getting a little frustrated myself.”
For a second, Kat imagined resting her head on Whit’s shoulder while her lover held her, reassuring her it would all be all right. But she couldn’t shake the heartache of knowing that so much of what she wanted was wrong and that she wasn’t at all the person she aspired to be, the person she should be…for Whit and for herself. If she broke down now, she’d end up shattered beyond repair and making a huge mess, like that cup she’d thrown. She touched Whit’s face, pained by the hope she saw in those familiar brown eyes and the knowledge that it would soon be replaced by hurt she’d caused. How could she say no? “Go back to bed, Vic. I’ll join you in a little while.”
Whit kissed her gently on the lips. “I’ll be waiting,” she said, and Kat wondered how long that would be true. For today, she knew Whit would be sound asleep in less than ten minutes and Kat could simply explain that she didn’t want to wake her. But how much longer would Whit’s patience last? How soon would she give up on an inconstant woman and leave Kat to the emotionally vacant life she’d had before?
* * *
“I’m here to get your breakfast tray, ma’am,” the MP called out as he knocked on the doorframe, but Miriam recognized his voice and knew that wasn’t all.
“Come on in, Jetty,” she said, not bothering to get up. They’d started calling him Jet because his habit of wearing his hat pulled low over his eyes, combined with his longish nose, made him look a bit like the Gloster Meteor turbojet that the Brits had recently put into combat.
He double-checked over his shoulder that no one else was in hearing distance before he spoke again. “Her meeting with Issacson is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. She’ll be the last one.”
“And?”
“And what? How can I tell what the bitch is going to say? You know as well as I do what a tight shop she’s got going with her little grease monkeys. Not a one of them would say boo without her permission.”
Boudreaux snorted. “I told you that ain’t the way to go. You gotta get a hold of her squeeze, the pretty one. That’s where your leverage is.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Jet was about to start whining, she could already tell by the way his tenor voice rose. “But yesterday she had some old bag trailing around with her. There was no way to get to her.”
“It’s almost year-end, and every department is going to be moving paper into the colonel’s office. Tell the rest of the guys to keep their eyes peeled. Is Grayson on the gate?” He nodded. “Good. You need to be ready.” Boudreaux expected she’d have at least one more visitor before the hearing. They had to be getting desperate to know what her plans were. She could only hope Rains would send her little golden girl back in. After getting a good feel off Kathleen Hartley, she was ready for another go at Bett Smythe. And there wouldn’t be any foreplay this time.
For the first time since she was a kid, she’d appreciated the Christmas holiday because she’d used the extra time before her hearing to work on her story in case she needed it. It was all a miscommunication, a misunderstanding. During their tour, the girl had begged for a spent rifle cartridge to send home as a souvenir, but such requests weren’t allowed. But as they were finishing, and the young recruit was getting ready to leave, Boudreaux had given in and was trying to slip the shell into the girl’s pocket without telling her what she was doing. She’d missed, and the girl had panicked, thinking she’d intended something else. It would simply be the girl’s word against hers…unless Rains spoke up with the details of that previous indiscretion. There were probably one or two other officers who might suspect, but Rains was the only one who could give testimony directly from one of her squad members. So Rains would need to keep her mouth shut for them to both make it through the war with their rank intact. Because one thing she knew for sure was, if she went, she wasn’t going alone. She would take as many with her as she felt like. Part of her wanted to do it anyway, if only to see Colonel Janet Issacson’s face when her pet Indian was exposed as a lez like the rest of them. She hadn’t decided about Whit and her frigid redhead. She’d play that by ear.
* * *
Tee was on her way to the PX, her mind going in a dozen different directions at once. She knew Helen was upset because Tee had put her foot down and absolutely refused to go to the New Year’s Eve party that Helen had heard about. First, she’d argued, they weren’t actually invited. Before Helen could protest, she’d added, “And for another, I don’t consider it safe. You’re the one who said we had to be careful now.” Helen didn’t say anything more after that, but she was sulking. Tee knew it was too late to get a hotel room, and the last time they’d gone to the Fort Des Moines Hotel, she was sure the clerk had given them a funny look. She’d make it up to Helen another time. Soon, she hoped, hiding her smile. Being with Helen in that way was like nothing she’d ever experienced, and even thinking about the way their bodies felt when they were together made her tingly inside.
With great deliberation, she shifted her thoughts to the orders they’d put in for the new year. Shipments should start coming in soon. She was making plans for storage and display when she saw a familiar figure walking on a path parallel to hers. She recognized Casey from her Bible study group and called out to her. “Hi, Casey!”
Casey turned her head slightly but didn’t stop. She was a sweetheart, but you wouldn’t guess it to look at her. Her real name was Clara, but they all called her Casey to tease her about the way she often struck out in baseball. She wasn’t fat, but she was large all around. Solid and almost square, her masculine appearance had put Tee off at first. But now she knew her as a genuinely good person, and until recently they had been frequent lunch companions. She hadn’t seen her in several days and had wondered why not.
Tee picked up her pace and cut a path to intercept Casey on her sidewalk. Her smile faltered when she realized the people walking behind her were MPs. They were very close. Then she noticed something else. “Casey, why aren’t you in your uniform?” The pain on her friend’s face made her want to reach out, to take her hand for comfort.
“I’m…uh…leaving.” Casey’s voice was strained, and Tee saw the MPs exchange glances.
“But you love it here.” She knew this from the talk they’d had after she’d run into Casey at the first house party she’d ever attended. Casey had helped her, back when she was still trying to decide what to do about Helen and God, by talking about herself and her experiences.
Quickly, Tee covered her mouth in shock as she realized Casey must have been named by one of the other girls that had been called in to the administration building. Even before Helen had pointed it out to her, she’d noticed that life had felt different around the base lately, and not in a good way. There was less happy chatter among the girls who came into the PX to shop, and very little laughter. No one seemed to know who to trust, and even best friends kept their distance from each other. After the MPs came to their barracks and escorted out one of the corporals who had been there before they arrived, Helen had warned Tee not to be so friendly and helpful. “Do the least you can, in terms of smiling and all that,” Helen had murmured as they’d taken their nightly walk around the base. It had been over a week since they’d detoured by the grove for a few quick kisses, and this was the reason why. “They’re looking to get rid of people like you and me, Tee. And there won’t be no second chances like there was with Lieutenant Rains.” Oh, Casey, Tee thought. I’m so, so sorry.
“I’m being discharged, and I guess—” Casey’s voice caught and Tee felt her heart seize. Casey cleared her throat a couple of times. “I guess this is goodbye. I’d appreciate it if you’d tell…everyone.” She widened her eyes meaningfully and Tee understood. She knew Casey had been seeing a woman from town, someone she’d met at one of the house parties.
“I sure will, but…” Tee wanted to argue but bit her lip instead. Casey wasn’t the one making this decision, and her distress wouldn’t help. They both looked at the blue paper in Casey’s hand. Everyone knew getting an Other Than Honorable discharge meant facing discrimination because of its negative connotations. “Uh…where are you going?”
One of the MPs shifted restlessly and Casey drew her arms in close, as if not wanting to be touched. Then she shrugged. “Home, I guess.”
Casey had talked about what it was like in her hometown, and the story hadn’t been good. “No,” Tee said before she could stop herself. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You should go to one of those big cities in California or New York. It’ll be easier to start over in a place like that, with lots of people and lots of jobs and so on.” Tee didn’t want to say any more, but she hoped her friend would understand. In a big city, it should be easier for someone who looked like Casey to find friends, a new community, a new life. “And you write and tell me where you end up, okay?”
Casey’s eyes darted from side to side. “That might not be a good idea, Tee.”
“I don’t care.” Tee spoke louder, making sure the MPs could hear. “You’re my friend, and you’ve been nothing but good and decent to me. And if we’re not free to be friends with whoever we choose, then I’d like to know what we’re fighting for.” She stepped forward and put her arms around Casey’s broad shoulders. “I’ll miss you.” Her voice was a whisper now. She felt Casey tremble, heard her choking back a sob. Tee felt her own tears well up. She knew with all the certainty in her heart that this was wrong, but she didn’t know what else to do.
“Let’s go, Section Eight,” the male MP said. As he led Casey away, the female MP gave Tee a long look. Tee met her gaze defiantly, something she might not have been able to do only a few weeks ago. But she and Reverend Culberson had been talking about courage lately—specifically, the kind of courage it took be the person you were meant to be. Tee could only hope that Casey would find courage to live her life, and love as God intended.
* * *
Rain left for work that morning after two hugs from Mrs. Carlton and a promise to visit New York soon. “I’ll see you tonight,” she said to Bett, who answered with a wide smile, “Yes. I’ll cook, so call me if you can come home early.” Rain nodded. Bett stepped closer and straightened her tie. Rain couldn’t keep from smiling at Bett the way she always did. When she thought to look, Ann Carlton was watching them with a quizzical expression on her face.
Bett drove her mother to the airport as they talked about the rest of the family and her mother’s New Year’s plans. Bett reminded her to look into the gallery where Nikki’s work was being exhibited; Ann Carlton had been quite enthused to learn that Rain’s younger brother was an artist, and she promised to bring several friends to his showing. Ann reminded Bett to look into the April visit. While they were waiting at the gate, Ann suggested, “You might call your father sometime, dear.” Bett’s face must have shown her aversion to the idea, because Ann added, “Oh sure, he’s still an SOB, but he’s also your father.” She lowered her voice a little. “And don’t forget, he holds the purse strings too. You might want to think about staying in his good graces on that account if nothing else.” When Bett didn’t reply, Ann put her hand on her daughter’s shoulder. “I’m very glad I came. I can see I don’t need to worry about you anymore.”
Bett laughed. “When were you ever worried about me, Mother?”
Ann remained serious. “I was worried during your first semester at Oxford. Your life seemed to be most unruly, almost disturbingly so. And then after your marriage, I didn’t hear from you for quite a while, which worried me too. I knew you were bored in California when you got back, but I thought it would be good for you to get to spend some time with your father, since you’d been away for so long. Besides, I didn’t feel I could offer you anything more in New York. Now you seem more…mature, settled. You have learned to keep a nice, orderly home and you are obviously well-respected at your job.”
Bett tried not to show her surprise at how accurately her mother had seen her life up to now. A voice announced her flight on a loudspeaker, and she and Bett embraced. Ann added, “I’m sure once the war is over, you’ll be able to find a suitable man and remarry.”
Bett shook her head. “You certainly don’t need to worry about that, Mother.”
Driving home, Bett thought about love and how it had changed her relationship with her mother by changing them both separately. She hoped Rain’s meeting with Colonel Issacson would go well and be over quickly. She was glad it was the weekend, eager to talk with Rain for hours about all that had happened, ready to have her beloved in her arms, in their bed all night long. Seeing her mother had been a wonderful surprise that couldn’t have gone better, but she was ready to have her own life back.
* * *
Hours later, Bett was trying not to worry that she hadn’t heard from Rain. The radio helped for a while but she turned it off before the news finished. The fighting in the Ardennes wasn’t over, but with the siege of Bastogne lifted, the focus had shifted elsewhere. The Soviets had reached Budapest, Hungary, the reporter said, where a major battle was under way. It might be selfish, but she wanted to forget about the war and even the Army, for a few days at least. She had just finished cleaning the house when the phone rang and she jumped for it. At the sound of Major Ervin’s voice, she almost groaned aloud.
“I’m aware we promised you wouldn’t need to come in until next week, Smythe, but we’re in a bit of a jam here.”
Bett closed her eyes, trying not to grind her teeth. She wasn’t sure if she could manage another shift. “Yes, sir?”
“We’ve got some last-minute paperwork that must be delivered to the administration building, and all our people are busy here. Could you possibly come pick it up and drop it off on base for us? It would be a big favor to me personally and—”
Bett cut him off before he could finish. “Of course, Major. I can be there in thirty minutes. It’s no problem.” It was perfect, actually. She could help out the major and shake Rain loose from whatever was keeping her, and they could go home. And go to bed.
At the administration building she quickly dropped the folder off at the secretary’s desk, relieved that Issacson’s office lights were off. Perhaps the colonel was taking off early for the New Year holiday. No, there was a murmur of voices from inside the conference room, and she took an extra second to gaze at the closed door, thinking about that first kiss with Rain. Still smiling to herself as she turned toward the motor pool, she didn’t notice the MP whose path intersected hers at the walkway to the first of the classroom buildings. He was almost upon her before appearing in her peripheral vision, and as she turned to acknowledge him, he took one extra quick step, and his momentum pushed them both against the doorway of the deserted building.
His hat was pulled low over his eyes and other than a longish nose, his features were indistinct in the dusky light. “I have a message for you, blondie.”
Bett felt her heart racing, but she answered calmly. “That’s Sergeant Smythe to you.” It shot through her mind that she had no weapon of any kind, nothing in her hands but the satchel in which she had carried the paperwork. All that was in it now was her notebook and a pen.
He pushed her against the glass door, his hands on her shoulders and his body close, as he kept his head low. To anyone walking by, they might have looked like a couple on a date. “No, not sergeant anything, little piece,” the man answered roughly. “The message is, you better tell your Indian to keep her mouth shut, because otherwise, you’ll be next. She don’t back off, someone’s gonna get to you, sweet mama. I can promise you that. The line of volunteers goes around the block, and I’m at the very front of it.” He brought his hand to the side of Bett’s left breast.
Just as Bett had decided to try using her knee to its best advantage in this situation, he gave her an extra shove and was gone. For a moment, she was almost paralyzed with fear, but once she took a quick breath, that feeling was replaced by a desperate need to find Rain. But the motor pool was on the far side of the base, and she couldn’t seem to make herself go on alone in the darkening evening. Trembling with anger and apprehension, she turned into the building where she was, went into the first open classroom she found, locked the door, and sat weakly in a desk. “If you ever need me, I want you to call for me,” Rain had told her once. “Call with your heart and I will hear you.” Rain, please come to me right now. I’m afraid and I need you. Bett noted the time on her watch, wanting to make some notes about what had happened for a report, but her hand was shaking so badly that her writing was barely legible. Repeating her mental message at every period, she felt her heart lift when she heard Rain’s voice outside.
“Bett? Are you in here?”
It had been less than ten minutes. Bett opened the door as Rain’s form was going down the hall. She turned back at the sound and Bett was in her arms. “Are you all right?” Rain asked, her voice heavy with concern.
Bett’s bowed her head onto Rain’s chest and held on tightly. “Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you for finding me.”
“I was leaving the conference room and was sure I saw you walking this way. I wanted to catch you, but another officer spoke to me for a moment and I lost sight of you. I was going toward the motor pool when I saw Private Ferguson from your old squad. I asked if you had passed her and she said no. So I started back here, planning to go through every room until…”
They swayed together slowly as Rain stroked her hair until Bett felt like she could breathe normally again. When her lover asked, “What happened?” Bett reluctantly let go and told Rain about her experience.
Rain’s face darkened and her eyes took on a glint Bett knew was dangerous. Her voice was tight. “Would you know him again if you saw him? Or if you heard his voice?”
“I’m not sure. It all happened so fast.” They retrieved Bett’s satchel and she handed Rain the notes she had written.
“We’ll get the visitor’s sheet from Boudreaux’s quarters and I’ll talk to my MP friend Harold Lutz, see if he has any feeling about any of the men on the list.” Rain led her slowly toward the parking lot. When she began talking about Kathleen and Whit’s party, Bett was sure she was trying to distract her from her scare and not disturb her with any other news from the base. She should ask about Rain’s conversation with the colonel, but she was too preoccupied to concentrate on the topic. Actually, she didn’t want to talk about anything else and she didn’t want to be around anyone else. She just wanted Rain to hold her until she stopped hearing that man’s voice and her heart felt right again.
Finally, Rain said, “Bett, I will always do my best to keep you safe.”
“I know, Rain, but you can’t always be with me. I want you to teach me to use a knife. I want to carry one, like you do.”
“I can teach you enough for close use. It would take longer to learn to throw it accurately.”
“Fine. But I don’t ever want to feel that vulnerable again.” Bett shuddered. They reached the car.
“I will say this, Bett. If they are only threatening with words, you are probably not in any immediate risk. They are trying to scare us away from doing what is right, and this method is that of a coward—striking out against someone defenseless who is not the actual threat. A true danger doesn’t usually give that much warning.” Bett looked at her and Rain saw her fear. “But we will shop for your knife on Monday,” she added.
“Monday is New Year’s Day, Rain. Not even groceries stores will be open.”
“And Tuesday is the hearing. Then it will all be over.”
Bett sighed. “Will it really?” When Rain nodded, she asked, “And your meeting? I’m not ready to talk about it in detail right now, but will you be okay?”
“I tried to do what I thought was best, which means I’ll be able to live with myself.” She smiled at her lover. “And as long as I can live with you, the rest of my life will be everything I ever wanted.”
Looking into Rain’s face, Bett couldn’t stand it any longer. “Tell me you are coming home now.”
The dark eyes moved slightly, a sure indication she wouldn’t like what was coming. “I have a few more items to finish. My meeting—”
It must have been overcast because the evening had become very dark. Bett knew she was taking a huge chance, but she didn’t care. She couldn’t take any more war worries right now or any more talk of what was happening on the base. She needed Rain and she wanted her home right then. Yes, Rain wanted to keep her safe, but being with her was what made her whole. She reached up and took off Rain’s hat, loving the way her braid tumbled out as if were happy to be freed. Rain had stopped her sentence and looked around a bit anxiously. “Bett, you–”
Bett opened the car door, turning back to face her lover behind the shield it created. She lifted Rain’s hand to her breast, biting her lip against the surge of desire that such contact with Rain always triggered. That man hadn’t touched her in any way that counted. “I don’t mean to interrupt you, Beloved, but I have all kinds of wonderfully amorous plans for the next lieutenant that comes through my door.”
Rain cleared her throat. “Do any of the plans involve being naked?”
The pressure of her hand had increased slightly, and Bett’s vision blurred around the edges. “All of them.”
“I’ll be right behind you.”