While my comrades gathered in a corner of the bunker and worked out what we were going to do now, I sat in another corner with Daniel. They didn’t mind. Not even Amos. It was so unusual, such an incredible piece of good luck to meet someone from the past, everyone was happy for me.
“This is some Passover,” Daniel said, holding the sleeping boy on his lap.
“How did you manage to survive?” I asked.
“My girlfriend knocked me out.”
I could tell by looking at him that he wasn’t angry with me anymore.
“That was good of her…,” I said. I still didn’t know if I’d done the right thing back then.
“Yes,” he said, and gave me a friendly, almost loving smile. “It was.”
Another child was leaning against him. She was about eight years old and wore a ragged dress. Her hand was curled into a fist, as if she was holding something tight. She reminded me of someone.
“This is Rebecca,” Daniel introduced us.
“Hello, Rebecca,” I said.
The little girl looked at me warily.
“She doesn’t speak,” Daniel explained.
Now I recognized her. It was the little girl who had stuck out her tongue at me in the orphanage. She still wore the polka-dot dress, only it was so filthy by now that the pattern and the color were gone.
“Rebecca hid in the orphanage when the Germans came.”
I didn’t tell her that she’d been very clever. But I thought so. It was much better than climbing into a cattle truck waving a flag.
“What has she got in her hand?” I asked instead.
“Her favorite marble. She never lets go of it.”
The eyes of the girl glistened angrily, as if she wanted to scratch my face if I got too close to her marble. No, not as if. She definitely would.
“Have you been together all this time?” I wanted to know.
“I hid her and worked at Többens so that we both could get something to eat.”
I wanted to know if he had tried to find me in the meantime. But then I’d have had to admit that I hadn’t tried to find him.
“How about you?” Daniel asked.
“After the Aktion, I joined the underground resistance.”
“And Hannah?”
I couldn’t say anything.
“I … I’m sorry,” he said sincerely, and went to take my hand to comfort me. But I pulled it away. Daniel noticed that I was wearing a wedding ring.
“You … you got married?” he asked, and although he tried not to let it show, he was hurt by that.
“Not really,” I said.
“What do you mean, ‘not really’?”
“It’s a disguise.”
“But the two of you…?” He pointed toward Amos, whom he had rightly assumed to be my “husband.”
“Yes,” I said. “The two of us…”
Daniel was upset.
And I was upset, too. Had he expected me to go on loving him forever, even though I thought he was dead?
“Are you going to join our fight?” I asked. I didn’t want to talk about Amos and me.
“No,” Daniel said immediately.
“Why not?”
“I don’t believe in killing.”
“You don’t believe in killing? You don’t believe in it? Well, the SS does!”
“I know.”
“And a least we can give our people some dignity by defending ourselves!”
“There are more important things than dignity.”
“Name me one! Just one!”
“Survival.”
I shut up for a moment, but I simply couldn’t understand it all. “You would have gone to the trucks,” I said, “and then, all of a sudden, your survival is more important than everything else?”
“No, not mine,” he answered, and hugged little Rebecca. So she was the reason why he wouldn’t fight? As if the two of them could ever survive! Should I say it out loud? But the girl was so small. So frail. It would be awful to let her know that we were all about to die, including her. On the other hand, there was no point in lying, even to a child. She must know? At least she must have sensed it.
In the end all I said was, “We are all going to die. The question is, how?”
“Die like a hero?” Daniel asked sarcastically.
“If that’s what you want to call it.”
“It’s what the underground newspapers say,” he retorted. “There’s nothing heroic about killing people.”
“Oh yes! It’s far better to climb into a cattle truck with a flag held high, isn’t it?” I answered angrily.
Daniel got angry now, too. “Korczak was there for the orphans until the very end. And that is a lot more than you’ll ever do.”
I’d gone too far. I had no right to attack the old man. And perhaps, just perhaps, Daniel was right. Perhaps it really was the bravest thing to die with loved ones, instead of with a gun in hand.
Would I have had the guts to die by Hannah’s side? Or would I have run away, given the opportunity?
“I will do everything I can to make sure that she survives. We don’t have to die,” Daniel explained, looking at Rebecca, who was busy staring at the treasure lying in her open hand. A blue and white marble.
This little girl was the only survivor of Daniel’s orphanage family. She was his sister. That was why he couldn’t bear to think that he might lose her, too. I could understand that. If Hannah were still alive, I would feel the same.
“You could defend her better with a gun,” I said quietly.
Daniel just shook his head. There was no point in talking about it. I scrambled to my feet and went back to my comrades. They had decided that we should spend the night looking for food and that we needed to contact the other groups.
Rachel called me over. “See if the coast is clear.”
Amos jumped up, “I’ll go,” he said.
No way! I was a fighter. Just like him. Not some princess who needed a prince to protect her.
“I’m going!” I said determinedly, left the bunker, and went upstairs. Most of the windows were still intact here, and I stared out at the street cautiously. There were no soldiers to be seen. But, of course, I couldn’t see the whole street. I’d have to go outside for that.
I drew my gun—not because I hoped to defeat a whole SS patrol single-handedly, but perhaps the weapon would allow me to get away in an emergency. But … if the Germans saw me, I mustn’t run in the direction of the bunker or I’d be leading the SS to the hideout. If I was captured, the SS would definitely torture me until I betrayed my comrades. And the civilians. Amos. Daniel.
Before that happened, I’d use the weapon on myself.
Carefully, I crept out the door. The air stank of smoke. Farther down the street, ashes glowed on the remains of a house that had been completely destroyed by fire. Only the foundation was left. There was no one to be seen anywhere. I went as far as the next crossroads just to make sure. No SS. And I couldn’t hear any sounds of tanks or cars. I looked over to Muranowski Square. The flags were still flying high. The ghetto still belonged to us.