To Dexter’s exasperation on Monday, he didn’t have a private moment with Anthia all evening. They’d been constantly interrupted. In addition to that, he’d been in and out of the center’s office. It was a relief when she joined him for coffee and dinner after they closed. Finally, he was able to ask, “How was the weekend? Did you and Jeff have a chance to talk?” He flinched, his voice was rougher than he would have liked, a clear indication of his need.
Anthia was staring down at the menu. Her voice was so soft he had to lean forward in order to hear her. “It was good to have Jeff home. I really miss him when he’s away.” Looking at him, she said, “I’m sorry. I tried, but he wasn’t in a sharing mood. I don’t know what’s really bothering him.”
“You okay?” he asked, taking note of the slump of her slim shoulders and the weariness in her pretty eyes.
“I was disappointed, Dex.”
“What do you mean?”
“We had a nice visit, but he wouldn’t tell me what is going on inside of him.”
“Perhaps it’s just tiredness? He does have a full class load on top of having physical therapy. That’s a lot of pressure for a freshman.”
He yearned to reach out and take her small hand into his own. He settled for a quick pat. He didn’t dare linger. He was too vulnerable, too needy when it came to this one special woman.
“We’ve always been so close. Now suddenly, he’s shutting me out. I don’t like it.”
“He’s growing up, Anthia. That’s a part of being a man, learning to be in control of your feelings.”
“That’s part of being stupid,” she shot back. “Men don’t share their feelings. They keep them locked inside.”
Dexter blinked, “You can’t mean that.”
“I do. That’s what’s wrong with the entire male population. You men don’t share.”
“Wow. Hold on. We’re talking about Jeff, not me. What happened? Did you talk about the center?”
When Anthia looked at him, her eyes were troubled. He found himself wondering what she could be thinking. He had to remind himself that this was not about him. It was about her son.
“Yes,” she said wearily. He was right, this was not about him. It was never about him. How could it be when he never allowed her to get too close? He was a master at distancing himself from others.
“Anthia?”
“I couldn’t get him to change his mind. He isn’t going to speak at the center.” She paused before she went on to say, “I don’t understand it. Jeff has never been a selfish person. This is so unlike him. In fact, I couldn’t get him to really even discuss the issue. He also refused to contact any of his old friends while he was home.”
“Here we are. Soup and salad for the lady and a hot roast beef sandwich and potatoes for the gentleman,” their waitress said, placing their plates in front of them. “Anything else?”
“No. Thanks, Jan.”
While Dexter ate, he watched Anthia, concerned by her continued silence. Finally he asked, “There is more, isn’t there?” Putting down his fork, he persisted, “Don’t tell me ‘nothing.’ It’s all over your face.”
Surprised, she hastily added, “I’m fine. Just a little tired. I haven’t been sleeping well. I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep.”
“How long has this been going on?”
“Few weeks.”
“Call me.”
“Why?”
When his eyebrows shot up, she quickly added, “What I mean is, why would I want to disturb you?”
“You won’t be disturbing me, Anthia. I rarely sleep through the entire night.” He didn’t add that the nightmares came so regularly that he hardly ever enjoyed hours of uninterrupted sleep.
“Dex...” Whatever she had been about to say, she didn’t finish.
“Next time call me. By the time we get off the telephone you’ll be exhausted.”
“You’re such a good friend. How did I get so lucky to have found you? Do you ever think about yourself? You just keep on giving and never seem to ask for anything in return.”
Dexter stopped eating, nearly choking on the food in his mouth. He swallowed quickly before reaching for his water glass. She couldn’t be more wrong. He definitely had needs. And they were all uniquely male and centered around his desire for her.
He only had to look at her pretty succulent mouth or her perky breasts and his sex hardened readying him to fill her tight sheath. He had no idea how he knew she would be tight and hot, but he was sure she would fit him like a wet silk-lined glove. She had been made for him, even though, he didn’t have a remote chance of earning her love. Anthia was special. She deserved the best that life had to offer, much better than a man with no real future.
“Dex?”
“Stop,” he said, gruffly unable to meet her gaze. “You’re exaggerating.”
“I’m not. Dex, how can I forget that you were there for me when I needed you the most?”
He interrupted, “We’re friends. Let’s leave it at that.”
“If you ever need me, you only have to ask.”
His large body quivered from the heat of his need as his imagination took flight. The mental picture of the two of them locked in a lovers’ embrace formed in his head. He dropped his hands to his lap to hide their trembling. Thank goodness his engorged shaft was concealed by the table. He wanted her badly.
Determined to redirect his thoughts, he said, “Thanks but you’ve already proven that by volunteering at the center.” As far as he was concerned the subject was closed. “Finished?” He was reaching for his wallet before she could answer. He had to put some space between them before he did or said something really stupid. He couldn’t trust his self-control. All he could think about was the taste and feel of her. He had to get out in the air, revive what was left of his control. Anthia was off-limits. It was past time he remembered that.
It wasn’t until they were outside on the sidewalk that he felt safe enough to touch her. He took her hand into his, then said, “Try not to worry about Jeff. He’s been through so much in the past few years. He’s bound to come around, soon.”
“I wish I could be as certain as you are.”
“If you want me to talk to him, just say the word.” He genuinely liked Jeff and it was not because he was Anthia’s son.
“Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind. I suppose I keep hoping the old Jeff will come back.”
“I’d be glad to try and help,” he offered sincerely.
Anthia surprised him when she slid her arms around his waist and gave him a warm squeeze and kissed his lean brown cheek. “Thanks, Dex. Good night.’
As he followed her home, Dexter could not stop wondering if she would call tonight. Just the thought of a long late-night dialogue eased the emptiness that seemed to wait for him. Even if he were lucky enough to be asleep when she called or rather if she called, he’d gladly sacrifice more sleep in order to enjoy the pleasure of listening to her soft feminine voice in the night. There was a feminine huskiness in her voice that he found incredibly sexy. Everything about her appealed to him in some way.
Dex found himself breaking into a sweat, his body throbbed from the intensity of his need. It was like a nagging toothache. What exactly was his problem? He had nearly lost it in the restaurant. All he could seem to focus on was Anthia. Her sweetness seemed to be chipping away at his self-control.
He swore heatedly. He had to put a stop to this nonsense. Was the strain of celibacy wearing on his nerves?
Yet, he had never been one to embrace casual sex. Even as a young man it had never held any particular appeal to him. There was no true fulfillment in it for him, only a shallow, empty kind of release. Afterward, he felt more alone than before. After five years in prison, he vowed never again to do without life’s most basic pleasure. Yet, he quickly learned that unless his emotions were engaged, there was no genuine satisfaction for him.
Time nor distance could not erase how it felt to be in love and be loved in returned. There was nothing like it on the face of the earth. Unfortunately, there was no place for love in his shattered life... no room at all.
What he could not comprehend, as he absently watched her flick on her inside lights signaling all was well, was what was going on deep inside of him since Anthia entered his life. He cared so deeply for her. He could not stop it or even control it. It was just there. He was left with no choice other than to deal with it.
At least he had the good sense to stop fighting it. What else could he have done? His sexual awareness of her continued to escalate, no matter what he did to curb it. He was at the point where he had no choice but to accept it. He valued what they had too much to do anything to jeopardize their friendship. For as badly as he wanted her, he knew he would not be good for her. He had too many demons in his closet.
Anthia watched until his taillights faded into the darkness before she moved from the window. She fought back tears. What could it hurt? What would it help? Tears couldn’t change the hopelessness of the situation she had gotten herself into. It was time she accepted the truth of her actions.
When she decided to volunteer at the community center, it was partly to help the center, but mainly because she wanted to see Dexter. What she hadn’t planned on was that exposure hurting. And that was exactly what she was experiencing. It was a big mistake. She had not thought beyond being able to spend time with him. It hurt! It hurt so badly. The problem was it was much too late to back out of the decision. Dexter was counting on her. What a mess.
“You can’t make him want you,” she whispered to herself. She acknowledged that he did value her as a friend, as she made her way to her office in order to check the answering machine. She stopped suddenly. Nothing that couldn’t wait, she decided changing direction to her bedroom at the rear of the house. There were no easy solution to her dilemma. She couldn’t help caring so deeply for him, but she could help making a fool of herself over him because of it.
Would it matter to him if he knew how she felt about him? Could that make a difference? Just as quickly as the idea entered her head, she rejected it. There was no way she could tell him that she was in love with him. Just the thought of it was terrifying.
Seeing him every day, being around him on a regular basis was just not working the way she had hoped. She had been volunteering at the center for such a short time but she was the one affected by his nearness. What if she slipped and did something really stupid like ask why he couldn’t love her back?
By the time she showered, prepared for bed and brewed a cup of tea, Anthia was much calmer. She had been going off the deep end for a moment there. She would be fine. Suddenly, she remembered how he suggested that she call him, no matter how late it was if she could not sleep. The thought of calling him made her heart pound erratically. There was something about the suggestion that was almost intimate. Yet, intimacy was the one thing they did not share.
For a few moments, she did not remember what she had said to him. She had been so rattled, she stammered out some stupid reply. Hopefully, she had not revealed too much. For a few wild moments there, she had felt her hopes rise, then reality set in. She had been afraid to believe that he was encouraging her to share her late night thoughts and fantasies with him... share herself with him. For an unguarded moment she’d thought he meant he wanted her.
She caught herself, forced herself to think. Thank goodness, she had used her head. She had been dangerously close to confessing her innermost feelings for him.
Anthia swallowed, the tears lodged in her throat. Thank the Lord she had stopped herself in time. She could have ruined what they had with just such a confession. He didn’t share her feelings. His knowledge of those feelings would only make him uncomfortable.
After finishing her tea, she turned off her bedside light, plunging the room into darkness. Anthia vowed that there would be no late-night calls. Dexter wasn’t interested in her innermost emotions and she was unwilling to make a fool of herself by sharing them with him.
“Sorry, I’m late,” was the first thing Anthia said when Diane Randol opened her front door.
“No problem,” the clearly pregnant Diane laughed giving her a hug. “Come in. It’s been months since I’ve seen you. I hope you don’t mind having lunch here?”
Anthia returned the hug, careful of the long, peach-lacquered box with One of a Kind stamped in gold lettering on its top. “You don’t have to feed me, you know.”
“Of course I do. We never find time to talk face-to-face. There is always a telephone between us. I miss you. And now with your business doing so well, we hardly ever get together.”
Anthia laughed. “I know. There’s never enough time.” She bent down to the beautiful toddler clinging to her mother’s legs. “How are you, sweet Madelyn? Can I have a hug? Pleeeeease!”
The baby girl squealed with laughter and launched herself into Anthia arms where she received a hug and a kiss on her round plump brown cheeks.
“Sweet girl, you are so pretty. I love your dress. Is it new?” Anthia asked.
The baby nodded her soft, dark, fluffy curls, looking so much like her beautiful mother, her darling face wreathed in smiles.
Anthia gave her sweet-smelling plump little body another squeeze before she let her go. “She’s getting so big. They grow so fast.” She straightened and smiled at Diane. “I swear she looks more and more like you every time I see her.”
Diane laughed, watching lovingly as Madelyn giggled at the attention. “Chucky thinks so,” referring to her husband. “But I can’t see it. Come on. We’re in the family room.”
“They are so sweet when they’re this age. Too bad they have to become teenagers,” Anthia teased.
Diane chuckled, urging the baby along ahead of her. “What’s this I hear about you volunteering at the community center? How do you find the time?”
Anthia didn’t have to ask her source of information. Diane’s handsome husband, Charles. How he managed to run his family-owned business, Randol Pharmaceutical and coach regularly at the community center while maintaining such a close relationship with his wife and daughter was a mystery to Anthia. Yet, she knew that after years of marriage, Diane and Charles were still very much in love with each other.
Anthia shrugged. “I’m juggling my time.” She was too embarrassed to confess her motivation was Dexter Washington. The entire situation smacked of desperation.
Once they were seated on the sofa in the comfortably furnished room, Diane insisted, “How much longer are you going to make me wait?” She referred to the lacquered box resting on the coffee table.
Anthia teased, “It was my understanding this was not for you.”
Diane said, “Don’t be that way,” shaking her finger at her friend. She had put Madelyn in the center of the floor on a soft throw surrounded by her toys.
“Charles told you I was volunteering.”
“Who else? How is Jeff?”
“Good. He was home the weekend before last. I probably won’t see him again until the end of the term.” She didn’t add that Dexter had volunteered to drive down with her at the end of the term to pick up Jeff and all his gear.
“Anthia, you sound like we’re talking about years instead of a few months.”
“I know. I miss my baby. Don’t laugh.”
“I know how you feel,” she said absently patting her slightly rounded stomach. “We’re hoping for a boy this time.”
Anthia smiled, wondering with longing what it would be like to share the experience with the man you love. It had not been that way for her. Her teenage lover had no more been prepared to be a father than she had been to be a mother. If not for her mother, Anthia would have had to face her pregnancy and motherhood alone.
“Come on, Anthia. Let me see,” Diane pleaded, eyeing the box.
“After lunch, okay? I don’t think I can eat if you don’t like it. I’d be so disappointed.” Anthia knew she was overreacting but she could not help it when it came to her work. She loved what she did and put so much of herself into it.
“I’ll like it. How can I help myself? Your dolls are wonderful.” That was why she had given this very important commission to Anthia. They had both been through some difficult times.
Anthia had stood by Diane when Diane’s marriage had almost dissolved because of the lies and secrets she had foolishly kept from her husband while Diane had been there for Anthia when her son had been shot and others believed the worst of him. Now that Diane’s life couldn’t be better, she wanted that same kind of deep love and happiness for her friend. Anthia deserved to have her dreams come true.
“Well, since you won’t let me peek then let’s go in for lunch. I’m starving.”
Giggling, Anthia remembered her own huge appetite when she was expecting. She reached down for the baby so Diane wouldn’t have to lift her. Madelyn laughed and clapped her hands, giving Anthia wet baby kisses on her cheek.
“She is such a happy baby,” Anthia said, nestling her neck. She loved Madelyn’s sweet baby powder scent, thinking how much she would like to have a little one with Dexter’s dark eyes and her own warm skin tone. Goodness! Where was her common sense? Quickly, she pushed that reckless thought away.
“Yes, she is. She is also spoiled rotten thanks to her dad. Chucky has a terrible time telling her no.” Having settled the baby in her high chair between their chairs, Diane asked as casually as she could manage, “So, how long have you been volunteering at the center?”
“Charles didn’t know that?” Anthia teased, lifting an eyebrow, then laughed at Diane’s expression.
“No. He is sweet but he never asks the right questions.”
“It’s been a couple of weeks. Dexter stopped over to ask if I could arrange for Jeff to talk to the guys at the center, tell about his experiences. So when I dropped in to give him Jeff’s refusal, Dex was swamped. I’m free most evenings, so I decided to lend a hand.”
“Refusal?” Diane passed her the large salad bowl, thanking the manservant as he filled their glasses with iced tea and the baby’s cup with milk.
“Yes,” she answered in disgust. “Jeff wouldn’t even consider it. I talked and talked but I couldn’t convince him to change his mind. He better than anyone knows how drugs and guns can destroy someone’s life.”
“He’ll come around. Jeff may need a little time to think it over,” Diane said as she fed Madelyn.
“Thank you, “Anthia smiled, accepting a thick wedge of vegetable quiche. Once they were alone she went on to say, “Jeff hasn’t been to the center since the shooting.”
“He’s still healing. Be patient, I’m sure he’ll come around.” She paused before asking, “Soooo, how’s Dexter?”
“Just fine,” Anthia hedged.
“You two still tiptoeing around each other?”
“Charles didn’t tell you that either?”
“Nope, claims he doesn’t know,” Diane grinned. She ate between coaxing the baby, who was more interested in playing with her food than eating it.
“Nothing has changed,” Anthia couldn’t keep the sadness from her voice.
“Well, don’t you think it’s time you did something to change it?”
Anthia didn’t bother to respond. Diane knew how Anthia felt about him.
“Well?”
“There is nothing I can do short of telling him how I feel. And I am not about to do that. I don’t want him to know how hard up I am.”
“Chucky and I were friends for years until he got fed up with the situation. How much more proof do you need, girlfriend?”
“There is one major difference.”
When Anthia didn’t elaborate but concentrated on her salad, Diane prompted impatiently, “What?”
“You two were in love with each other.”
“And you don’t love, Dexter? Please! I know better than that.”
“Dex doesn’t love me.”
“Sure he does. He’s just too stubborn to realize it.”
“When did you become such an expert on Dexter Washington? You know as well as I do that he’s a loner.”
“What he is, is lonely. He has to be with no one special lady in his life. He didn’t seem happy the last time we had him over for dinner.”
“When was that?”
“A few months ago while Donald Williams was in town.” She referred to the Chicago Bulls superstar whose program with the black boys in New York and Chicago had proven to be highly successful. Both Charles and Dexter had been impressed with his year-round sports camp and were working on implementing it.
“Just how could you tell he was lonely?”
“The sadness was in his eyes.”
Anthia had also seen that sadness which seemed to be a part of him. Yet, he never really discussed his personal life. “Diane, we have no way of knowing if he’s involved with someone. Just because he doesn’t talk any about one special lady, does not mean he’s not in a relationship.”
“Please! That man is alone in the world. He’s also very fond of you.”
“I don’t want fond!” she snapped before she could stop herself. What she wanted was what Diane had with Charles. She longed for what every woman yearns to have with that one special man. A man capable of returning her love.
“I understand honey,” Diane said, squeezing her hand. “Sometimes a woman has to be the one who takes the risk.” Diane remembered how desperate she had been when she had followed Charles on a vacation cruise determined to win his love. “Tell Dex how you feel.”