CHAPTER VII - A HEART HIDDEN UNDER THE ICE

 

 

 

I shivered again. Giving myself to Netis was terrifying, but my love for Angel was strong; I was willing to pay any price to save him. Besides, it was my fault that he did not have a roof over his head. He had put himself at risk for me; sacrificed his once comfortable life for my sake. Now, it was my turn to sacrifice myself for him. Having sex with another man to save the life of the man I loved seemed totally illogical, but I had seen how Netis had looked at me. I hoped that his desire for me was greater than his hatred towards Angel.

Once Nalhya and Lilhya had left, I cautiously made my escape, trying to avoid being seen, before hurrying back to Netis’ palace for the second time that day. As I walked, I tried to imagine what Angel’s reaction would be if he discovered what I was about to do. I knew that he would never accept my decision, and I hated myself for having to make this choice. Ever since I had met Angel, I had always hoped that he would be my first and only; the only man who would ever touch my body in that way. But this desperate decision had reduced my hopes to naught.

I was still lost in my thoughts when I arrived at the back entrance of the palace, and almost bumped into the two guards who were stationed outside the gate. I had assumed that the entrance would be unguarded, as it had been earlier that morning, and had not prepared myself to meet anyone. My body started trembling in fear. The guards were staring at me, surprised, but when I tried to enter the palace, they stopped me.

“Where do you think you’re going?” one of them uttered, in a very strong accent.

“You clearly don’t place much value upon your life,” the second continued.

That last sentence made my blood run cold. The guards were imposing, and I knew that they could easily kill me if they wanted to. I tried to explain that I was here to see Netis, but I did not have time to finish my sentence; one of the guards had taken my arm with violence and lowered his face close to mine.

“Fucking a royal is something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time…” he murmured, savagely.

“… and I’m sure we’re not the only ones who would love to have a taste of your royal body…” his friend continued.

The first guard moved his hand from my arm to my bum, and his friend came closer to me, trying to put his hands on my hips. Instinctively, I spat in his face, slapping the other one with my now free hand. The first guard released me, touching his face where I had hit him, and gave me a black look. I was getting ready to defend myself, though I feared I would not be strong enough to do much against them. I wondered how these men could possibly find pleasure in touching a woman against her will. My breathing was heavy, my heart thumping fast. I was terrified, but I tried not to show it. I knew that my fear would only give them more satisfaction.

As they came closer to me, the sound of someone clapping, slow and sharp, broke the tension. The guards turned around and immediately stopped moving. I looked behind them: Netis was standing by the door, his expression furious. I could not understand why, but seeing him standing there made my body relax in relief.

Netis spoke quietly but firmly to the guards in their own language, and the two of them rapidly retreated, standing as far away from me as possible whilst still guarding the gate. Netis smirked at me.

“I see that your fierce spirit is not only directed towards me, Fada.”

“Indeed… though I have to admit that behaving this way towards you is much more satisfying, Netis,” I replied mockingly, regaining my calm.

“Which I am grateful for,” he continued, his smirk growing wider. “Tell me, what brings you to me twice in one day? I’m guessing it’s about Angel again?”

I immediately grew tense when I heard his words. It was too late to turn back now.

“Yes… I… I would like to strike a deal with you…” I stammered, my voice weak.

Netis looked at me, confused by my sudden change in demeanour, but after a moment’s hesitation, he beckoned me inside.

Without saying a word, I followed Netis up the stairs. I felt like such a fool, walking up the same stairs that I had fled down only the day before. Suddenly realising the seriousness of what I intended to do, my pulse sped, and as Netis opened the door to his room, my chest became tight with anxiety.

Shutting the door behind us, Netis turned to face me.

“I’m quite curious to know what this deal is about.”

I opened my mouth to answer but nothing came out. I felt so strange: I was anxious… terrified… but at the same time, I was curious to see what his reaction would be when I revealed what I had planned.

“If you want to strike a deal with me, you have to talk to me, Fada.”

Once more, I was unable to say a single word, too confused by all the emotions swirling around my mind. Bending my head, I instinctively touched the bracelet that covered my wound. Netis must have noticed my gesture because he looked down at the bracelet and came closer to me. I felt like someone had sent a wave of electricity through my body, my muscles tensing in response to his closeness. I looked up at him, but his expression was not what I had expected. His eyes were painfully sad; full of regret.

Gently, he touched the bracelet with his fingertips and slowly removed it, being careful not to brush the metal against my burn scar. Feeling his hand on me made me shiver at first, but slowly, my muscles began to relax. Placing the bracelet carefully on the desk behind him, he looked down at my wound, caressing it with the tips of his fingers.

“I know you won’t believe me, but I’m really sorry for that,” he murmured, his voice full of sadness.

“You’re right, it’s quite hard to believe you,” I murmured, as he raised his eyes to meet mine. I could see the sorrow behind his beautiful black pupils. “And yet, for some reason, I do.”

He smiled softly, stilling my fears. This was it. I needed to tell him why I had come.

“I…” Sighing, I took a deep breath and tried again. “I know what you have wanted for the past twenty years.”

Netis did not answer; his gaze had drifted back to my wound, but as I spoke, his eyes met mine.

“… me…” I whispered.

Netis immediately let go of my arm, his eyes widening.

“Don’t think that I’m going to agree to living here with you and these despicable men,” I continued, with more assurance. “I could never betray Maheliah…”

“Then what are you suggesting?” Netis asked in a serious voice.

“You haven’t killed Angel, and I suppose I should thank you for that. I can’t deny that he betrayed you when he brought me to Maheliah. But now he doesn’t have a home anymore, and if he spends another night out in that cave, he could die—”

“I’m well aware that you want me to take him back here, Fada, but guilt-tripping me into it won’t work—”

“I know that.” It was too late to turn back now. I had to strike this deal, for Angel. My heart was beating fast, and it felt like my entire body was trembling.

“Then why are you here?”

“I… I know that you want me, Netis. I’ve seen the way you look at me.”

His eyes widened again but I kept going, determined to go through with my plan.

“If you want me… I will give myself to you… you can have my body…”

Netis stepped backwards in shock.

“You would give yourself to me, to save Angel?”

“I love him, and I owe him. He sacrificed himself for me. It is only right that I do the same for him…”

Netis closed his eyes and turned to face the window, clenching and unclenching his fists. In that moment, he looked so vulnerable that a part of me wanted to close the space between us and wrap him in my arms. But I remained where I was, the logical part of me standing firm.

“You really do see me as a monster, don’t you?” he whispered, still staring out of the window.

“I don’t know what to think of you, Netis—”

“But you believe me capable of agreeing to use your body that way?”

I did not know how to answer. Perhaps I had been wrong about him; perhaps he did not desire me after all. I looked down, closing my eyes. I had no plan B, but I knew that I had to do something, and I needed to do it fast. Letting go of my logic, I tried to tune in to my instinct instead. Something was pushing me towards him, and I decided to let it guide me, relinquishing control of my body and allowing my intuition to take the lead.

I walked towards him and touched the nape of his neck with my fingertips. Netis turned around to face me, his expression unexpected. There was a gleam in those beautiful onyx eyes that was hard to understand: a strange mixture of desire and affection. I gazed into his eyes for a few seconds, before slowly grabbing the nape of his neck and laying a kiss on his lips. I had no idea what was happening to me. I was kissing Netis, and for some strange reason, it felt good; it felt right. As soon as my lips touched his, a wave of contentment surged through me.

I felt his hand sliding along my arm towards my face, his delicate touch causing me to shiver, but not in an unpleasant way. He pulled back from me and looked into my eyes, his expression the same strange mixture of desire and affection. I did not know what he saw in my gaze, but after a second or two, he moved his face closer to mine, touching his lips to my own. Suddenly, the energy between us shifted, and he began to kiss me harder, running his hands down my back and pulling me closer to him. My hands grasped the back of his neck, and I began to run my fingers through his hair. I was no longer in control of my own body; I was barely thinking at all. All of me was here, in the present moment.

Netis slid his right hand up my back and started to unlace my dress, his movements gentle and delicate. He moved his lips from my mouth to my cheek, then down to my neck, as I felt my dress sliding down my body. I had been in such a hurry to get dressed that morning that I had not put on the bodysuit, so the dress was the only item of clothing standing between his hands and my naked body. I had never been naked in front of a man before, and I tried desperately not to think about it, distracting myself by kissing him. I did not want to see the desire in his eyes; it would have made the moment all too real, and I was not ready to admit to myself that I was about to have sex with a man.

Netis tightened his hold on me and moved us towards the bed, but my trembling legs prevented me from staying upright, so I ended up collapsing onto the bed. He stood in front of me and took his shirt off, before lowering himself towards me and bringing his face close to mine. I turned my head to the right, still unable to meet his gaze, and he kissed my neck as I slid towards the middle of the bed. Netis followed my movements; the more I moved back, the closer his body was to mine. I felt so stupid because I had no idea what to do with my own hands. I supposed that I should have put them on him, but I was paralysed; unable to move.

Sliding his lips onto mine, he laid me down on the bed, and I could feel his right hand on my left leg as he spread my legs apart. He touched my thigh delicately, his fingers moving slowly towards my crotch. I tilted my head and sighed, shivering from head to toe as my body slowly relaxed, waves of pleasure pulsing through my veins. With that pleasure came guilt and shame: I should not be enjoying this, I was here to save Angel, but I could not help what my body was feeling.

After a moment, the waves of pleasure began to subside, and I felt him taking his trousers off. Suddenly, I was afraid. I knew what was coming, but at the same time, what was about to happen was entirely unknown to me, and I could not stop my body from tensing at the thought. He spread both my legs even more and laid on top of me, his gestures rougher now, though I could feel that he was controlling his strength. He started kissing me, softly at first, then harder, and in that moment, I felt him coming inside me. My head instantly jolted backwards and I had to stifle a scream of pain, thrusting my nails into his back, my breathing quick. The first few strokes were agony, even though he was gentle with his movements, and I grabbed his back tighter, keeping my eyes shut and trying to control my moan of pain. I had not expected to feel like this.

My eyes were still shut but I felt Netis lay a gentle kiss on my cheek. It relaxed me a bit, and I unclenched my fingers that were still plunged into his back. As my body began to relax, the initial pain faded, and I found the strength to finally open my eyes. We lay like that for some time, though I could not say how long. Time had no meaning anymore; I was living entirely in the present moment. I sighed as he began to pulse back and forth on top of me. Feeling him inside my now relaxed body was lighting up a fire in my veins, the flames coming in waves. The stronger his strokes were, the stronger the waves were too. Eventually, his back-and-forth movements became faster, his body almost crushing mine as he buried his face into the hollow of my neck. After a few more strokes, he stopped moving, leaving both our bodies trembling with adrenaline. Withdrawing himself slowly, he stayed on top of me for a moment, regaining his breath, before moving away to sit on the edge of the bed.

I looked up at the ceiling, my thoughts completely empty as I regained my breath. I could not comprehend what I had just done, and I had no idea what I needed to do next. I felt numb, my body and mind frozen in shock.

Eventually, I managed to take a deep breath and sit upright. My fingers felt sticky, and looking down at them, I saw they were covered with blood. I panicked, turning towards Netis, but seeing him quickly answered my questions. There, on his back, were the consequences of my fear: deep red scratches, dripping with blood. It looked as though he had fought a wild beast, but it was my hands that had done this to him. I started to tremble, hot tears pouring down my cheeks. Netis turned, shocked by my tears, and instantly drew me towards him, holding me gently in his arms.

“I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to… hurt you…” I stammered between sobs.

His eyes widened in surprise.

“Shh… I’m fine, Fada, don’t worry,” he murmured, rocking me softly.

I relaxed into his embrace and lay my head on his shoulder, still crying. I did not understand my own behaviour; why was I so upset by the scars on his back? Perhaps I was simply overwhelmed by everything that had happened, but it still did not make sense that I was thinking about his wellbeing in this way. Eventually, my emotional and physical exhaustion caught up with me, and I fell asleep in his arms.

 

When I woke up, the light was different; at least one or two hours must have passed. I was lying in Netis’ bed, a pile of duvets covering my naked body. Sitting up slowly, keeping the duvets in front of me, I wiped away the salty tear stains from my cheeks. Netis was standing in front of his window, his hands behind his back. He must have sensed that I was awake because he turned to look at me, smiling. He started to walk towards me but I looked at him with shame in my eyes, remembering the scars on his back. A look of pain crossed his face and he looked down, his smile fading.

“You fell asleep, so I took the liberty of laying you down in my bed,” he explained.

“Thank you, that was very thoughtful of you,” I answered, trying to sound calm.

“You can leave now; I mustn’t keep you. The storm will be starting in an hour or so. You need to get back home before then.”

I did not understand why he looked so serious. I was afraid that he was angry with me for hurting him, or that he had not experienced as much pleasure as he had anticipated when he had agreed to have sex with me. I had not thought about his pleasure at all. I had been too focused on my own pain; my own pleasure; the bizarre reality of the situation I had found myself in. My muscles tightened with anxiety. What if he refused to take Angel back? What if I had not been enough to satisfy his desires? Worse still, what if he threatened to tell Angel, or Maheliah, about what I had done?

“I would really appreciate it if we could keep this between ourselves, Netis. I don’t want Angel to know what I just did,” I murmured softly, looking down in shame.

“What did you just do?”

I blushed, not understanding what game Netis was playing.

“The deal we made… and the way we concluded it…” I managed to murmur, looking back at him.

He seemed surprised, and looked like he was about the say something. But he stopped himself, smirking and raising his eyebrows instead. Turning to face the window again, he crossed his hands behind his back.

“You may inform Angel that he is allowed to come back,” he stated, looking out of the window. “And you don’t need to worry. I will not tell anyone what happened here.”

I did not understand why he was reacting this way; he had been so sensitive, so gentle… but now he seemed severe and heartless again. Confused, but not wanting to annoy him further, I climbed out of the bed and dressed myself, before walking towards the door. I stopped there for a second, turning back to face him, but he was still looking out of the window. Strangely saddened by his coldness, I opened the door and left, making my way slowly down the stairs.

Walking out of the back gate in a daze, I barely acknowledged the guards as I left Netis’ palace and walked slowly back to Maheliah’s Court. I had given myself to Netis to save Angel, but though I had expected to suffer physically and emotionally, the experience had been strangely pleasurable. I had assumed that I would despise being touched by Netis, but feeling his skin on my skin had been soothing, and his behaviour had been the exact opposite to what I had expected. He had been kind, gentle and caring with me, and in his arms I had felt understood and protected. Why?

My mind was in turmoil. Not only was I confused about what had happened with Netis, but I also had no idea how I was going to tell Angel that he had been pardoned. He would probably ask me how I had managed to change Netis’ mind, and I had no idea what lie to tell him. What if he was too sick to return to the palace? It had been many hours since I had last seen him, what if his condition had worsened? Suddenly anxious, I started running, arriving outside the cave a few minutes later. Angel was still in the same position as he had been when I had left him that morning, and he did not look well at all. His lips were still a concerning shade of blue and his skin was as white as snow. I ran towards him and cupped his face in my hands, kissing his cheek.

“Oh Angel, I’m so sorry I wasn’t with you today.”

“No… I understand… I’m not really… very interesting… right now…” he stuttered, his voice weak and broken.

“Don’t be silly, that’s not the reason at all. I… I talked to Netis. It took me a while, but I finally convinced him to agree to take you back. I hurried here as fast as I could to tell you the good news,” I exclaimed, trying to sound cheerful.

Angel looked desperately into my eyes.

“Can I… really go back…? How did you convince him?”

“It doesn’t matter, you’re safe now. You’re going to be okay.”

Slowly, I helped Angel to his feet. His legs were trembling, but he just about managed to stand upright, leaning on me for support. I dared not look into his eyes; I hoped that I would still be able to behave normally around him despite my betrayal. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I had only had sex with Netis to save Angel, I could not fail to recognise how cruel my behaviour had been. I had broken the trust of the man I loved. Sighing silently to myself, I tried to put those thoughts behind me. It was too late to regret my choices now. Angel was safe, that was all that mattered.

Picking up my frozen pillow and duvets, I walked slowly back to the main gate of Maheliah’s palace, with Angel using my shoulder as a crutch. When we arrived in front of the palace, Maheliah was waiting for us.

“The guardians came to tell me that you had returned. I’m guessing you’ve once again been to Netis’ palace without my permission? I suppose your visit was as useless as this morning?”

“It wasn’t, actually. I managed to convince him to allow Angel to return to the palace.”

Maheliah’s eyes widened in surprise. She knew Netis better than I did, so I could only imagine how unexpected this news was to her. Netis was not the kind of person to compromise.

“How incredible… I am impressed… and delighted for you, Angel, of course. Shall I open a portal for you? You look far too weak to open one yourself,” Maheliah asked, looking at Angel.

Angel took my hand in his trembling fingers and laid a kiss on it, before thanking Maheliah for everything that she had done for him. She smiled, swiftly opening a portal, which Angel promptly entered, smiling back at me before he disappeared. With the portal closed, Maheliah and I walked back inside the palace.

“I’m glad Angel is safe now. He’s a sweet boy. I can see why you are so fond of him.”

“I’m glad too, and forever grateful to you, Maheliah, for looking after him as best you could. You have been kind to him, despite him being a traitor.”

“It’s thanks to him that you are by my side now; I owe him for that. Besides, I can see that he will always protect you.”

We dumped the duvets and pillow in the washroom before heading to the dining room for our evening meal. I ate in silence, my mind still in turmoil. I had saved Angel; I was proud of myself for that. But in doing so, I had completely overturned my opinion of Netis. I had hated him with a passion, but as soon as his lips had touched mine, something had changed. I had felt content in his arms; his gestures had been gentle and caring; he had looked after me. Now that I was away from him, I could not stop thinking about him, and about the scars I had left on his back. I told myself that I was simply concerned for his wellbeing. I just wanted to check that he was okay, and that he had taken care of his injury. But deep down, I knew that I was just desperate for an excuse to see him again. I needed to be close to him again, to gaze into his eyes, into his soul. Thinking about his hands on my body and his lips on mine made me realise that I needed to see him again as soon as possible.

“Maheliah, would you allow me to go back to Netis’ palace tomorrow?” I asked quietly.

“Why would you want to go back there? You’ve already saved Angel. You don’t need to see Netis again,” she answered, surprised by my strange request.

“I know… I just thought I might be able to reason with him about the war, since I succeeded in helping Angel…”

Obviously, I could not tell her why I actually wanted to see him, though the excuse I had given her was not a complete lie. I could ask him about the war as well, and I reasoned that, since he had been willing to take Angel back, he might be willing to at least consider ending this stupid quarrel between himself and Maheliah.

“I’m not sure, Fada. I don’t want Netis to hurt you again. He has such a bad temper, and you never know how he might react to certain things you say.”

“I know he can be temperamental, but he didn’t hurt me this time. I’m sure I could reason him. It would take time, but it’s worth trying.”

Maheliah gave me a serious look, then sighed, smiling.

“Well, I suppose I can’t just lock you up in your bedroom,” she laughed.

I smiled, elated that she had agreed to let me see him again. I knew that she was not too happy about me going back there, but she was right. She could not lock me up in my room forever.

Once dinner was finished, I went to fetch some hot water and a towel and brought them up to my room. I needed a wash, but it was too late now to go down to the hot springs. It felt good to be clean, and as I washed the last of the sweat and grime off my body, my mind drifted back to Netis. I could not imagine that he had been satisfied by our liaison; he had surely expected me to pleasure him in some way, but I had just laid there, paralysed, before digging my nails into his back. I was fairly sure he must have realised that it had been my first time, yet I could not stop thinking that he had probably been disappointed by my behaviour. I needed to show him that I could do better, that I wanted to pleasure him. His hands had touched my body with so much care; I felt the need to do the same to him.

It felt wrong to admit that I wanted him, but I could not deny the desire I felt. He was a handsome man, and I liked the way he looked deep into my eyes, gazing into my soul. His touch was soft but intoxicating, and every time he smiled, I felt a wave of wellbeing course through my veins. I was desperate to feel his hands on me again; tomorrow could not come soon enough.