CHAPTER X - NOTHING CAN BE WITHOUT HIM

 

 

 

As the weeks went by, I became accustomed to living without my dad and brother, though I still missed them terribly sometimes. Getting used to life in Maheliah’s palace took time, but slowly, things that had once seemed strange began to feel normal. Using a lantern was now second nature to me, and eating nothing but soup or vegetables for every meal did not feel inadequate anymore. It had been hard at first, and I sometimes still felt hungry after meals, but I would never say anything. I knew that I had to get used to this lifestyle, and quickly.

Unlike most things, getting used to the clothing was easy. On Earth, I had never been one to put any effort into my physical appearance, but here, with the help of Nalhya and Lilhya, it felt wonderful to get dressed up and do my hair. Hagal dresses were works of art, and it was nice to wear something that made me feel so beautiful. At first, I had felt deeply uncomfortable about being naked in front of the twins, but being forced to bathe in the hot springs every day quickly banished that discomfort, and I stopped trying to cover my nakedness. In the hot springs, it was pointless to try and hide my body. I was surrounded by other naked women, none of whom seemed to care about their nudity, so after the first few days I gave up, and by the end of the first week, I found myself enjoying the bathing sessions. Everyone was always so happy during this time, and the palace hierarchy did not exist in the hot springs. I was neither a lost girl from Earth, nor a princess. I was just myself.

Though I had decided to accept my status as a princess of Hagalaz, there were still days when I struggled to come to terms with that reality. Throughout my life on Earth I had either been ignored or bullied by everyone except my dad and brother, but here, everyone treated me with respect, or at least pretended to. Though they always put on a front of politeness when Maheliah was around, it was clear that Maheliah’s subjects were not fond of me, and if I was left alone with them, their behaviour was always distant and cold. It saddened me that they refused to acknowledge me for who I was, but part of me understood their behaviour: in their eyes, I was the one who had destroyed their kingdom. Before I existed, everybody in Hagalaz had been united, but now, since Netis and Maheliah had separated, everyone had been forced to choose a side. The kingdom was divided, and they all thought it was my fault, even though I was desperate for Netis and Maheliah to reconcile and be friends again.

Fortunately, Nalhya and Lilhya did not think like the rest of the Court, and we soon became firm friends, though it took them a while to understand that I wanted to be their equal. At first, they had been cautious around me, not wanting to say anything that might get them into trouble, but after a week of me insisting that I was not going to order them around or report them to Maheliah, they started to relax, becoming more like sisters to me than servants. We would talk and laugh together for hours, and I loved to hear them talk about their lives in Hagalaz, and they loved to listen to me talk about my previous life on Earth. Both of them desperately hoped that they would hear a soul calling to them one day, so that they could visit Earth themselves. It seemed strange to me that they were so fascinated by Earth – in my eyes, Earth was not nearly as exciting as Hagalaz – but I realised that, to them, Earth was as mysterious and foreign as Hagalaz had once been to me. It was only natural that they would be intrigued by something so unknown.

I also continued to meet up with Angel by the lake, and spending precious time with him in such a beautiful location always put a smile on my face. We usually met in the middle of the day, when the sun was reaching its zenith, and would sit and talk by the lakeside, wrapped in each other’s arms, as we watched the rays of sunlight dance on the water. I adored spending time with him, and I was convinced that we were both madly in love with one another, but that did not stop me from continuing to visit Netis.

My relationships with these two men could not have been more different, and it confused me that I could desire them both at the same time. I was in love with Angel, I was sure of it, but I also yearned for Netis with a passion that I could not control. I needed to lose myself in his eyes; feel his hands on my body; experience the waves of pleasure that only he could light up inside me. When I was with him, nothing else mattered; I wanted to be with him all the time, but I also loved Angel. I had no idea what was happening to me, or why I felt like this, but no matter how many times I tried to convince myself that Angel was enough, I could not stop yearning for Netis. No matter how wrong it seemed, when I was with Netis, everything felt right.

 

After the first few weeks, my days all started to look the same. I woke up every morning to the sweet voices of Nalhya and Lilhya, before heading downstairs to bathe in the hot springs. Then, once they had helped me dress and fix my hair, we would all head to breakfast, before I started my language lessons. Maheliah had informed me that all the neighbouring kingdoms spoke the same language – the Solish language – and after a couple of months, even Nalhya and Lilhya stopped speaking English to me, though my accent was still awful and my vocabulary was less than perfect.

Right after my Solish lessons, I would meet Angel by our secret place and spend a couple of hours with him, before heading back to the palace for lunch, followed by history lessons with Maheliah. Her lessons were always fascinating, and I learned many interesting things. But my favourite story of all was the tale about the curse of Hagalaz.

According to Maheliah, Hagalaz was once inhabited only by animals, until one day, thousands of years ago, when sorcerers from Earth found a way to open a portal to this land. Thrilled by their discovery, they decided to use Hagalaz as a sort of prison, banishing eleven people through the portal as a punishment for their bad behaviours. Within a year, winter came to Hagalaz, and never left, a powerful storm raging each night.

After surviving three nights by huddling together in the cavernous mountains, the prisoners feared that the storm would be the end of them unless they came up with a solution. After much deliberation, they decided that their best option was to travel as far as they could, to try and find a place that was not affected by the storm.

Many hours later, they reached the shore, and met a group of sailors from another kingdom and followed them back to their settlement. There they stayed, learning the language and trading with them, using the goods they had bought with them from the mountains of Hagalaz. Realising that they could use goods from the mountains to trade with other communities, they began to set up a trading network with the surrounding kingdoms, using timber and other commodities from elsewhere to build a home for themselves in the mountains, enabling them to survive the glacial temperatures.

After a few years of prosperity, they realised that they could not bear children, which saddened them greatly. But after a few more years in Hagalaz, they began to hear the voices of souls calling to them from Earth. Eventually, one of them managed to open a portal to Earth, and they all travelled through it, hoping to stay there. But Hagalaz called to them, and they had no choice but to return with their new children.

With each new generation, the physical appearance of the people of Hagalaz and the offspring they brought back seemed to change, for the sorcerers, or perhaps something even more powerful, had cursed them, and their infertility and their gemstone eyes – which caused their people to be preyed upon by the other kingdoms – were all part of this terrible curse that had been thrown upon them. Gradually though, more of them became capable of opening portals, both within Hagalaz and on Earth, whenever they desired. This skill allowed them to grow their population, by retrieving the new lives that called to them from Earth. Thus, the people of Hagalaz survived, despite the curse, and continued to prosper.

I was drawn by the story of this curse because it was completely unbelievable, yet it explained so many things about this strange land. I was hopeful that it would be broken eventually and I yearned to see Hagalaz free and happy.

After my history lessons with Maheliah, I would walk over to Netis’ palace and meet with him in his bedroom. Formalising our meetings like this ensured that Netis was always there to greet me, which made Maheliah feel less anxious about me visiting him, though had she known how our ‘meetings’ usually progressed, she would almost certainly have been less than happy about me being there. I always made sure that I left the palace long before nightfall, and once back at Maheliah’s, I ate dinner with Maheliah and the others, before heading up to my room to read or draw before bed.

My life continued this way for several happy months, but throughout that time, I was plagued by more than just my complex relationship with Netis; Akaoh was constantly in the back of my mind. I knew that he was somewhere in Hagalaz, and for some reason, I desperately wanted to meet him. The concept of seeing this powerful, mysterious being with my own eyes haunted me. I knew that Maheliah would never allow me to talk to him, but I could not stop thinking about him, and one day, my resolve snapped.

I woke early, long before Nalhya and Lilhya usually came to wake me, and slipped out of the palace, making sure to wrap myself in a cloak to keep out the icy wind. According to Maheliah’s deliberately vague instructions, the old palace was located to the west, not far from her own palace. It was not much to go on, but I reasoned that if I kept walking from the side of the palace, I would eventually find it. After all, though now in ruins, it had once been a palace… surely it would be impossible to miss?

As I trudged my way through the snow, my confidence began to falter. I knew nothing of this part of Hagalaz; there could be all manner of creatures living here… what would I do if I met one? No one had seen me leave the palace, and I was now too far away to call for help. My panic rising, I began to walk faster, shoving my way through the snowy wilderness. I need not have worried, for no more than five minutes later, I came upon what must have once been an enormous palace. Some of the walls and most of the turrets had collapsed now, but it was impossible not to imagine how vast it had once been.

I was used to everything being white in Hagalaz, even Netis’ palace, yet these ruins had been built in a combination of black and rich, dark purple bricks. Gazing up in awe, I walked slowly towards the main gate, where three high columns stood, topped by black slates. A fourth column had existed in the past, but now lay on the ground, broken into pieces. Each column was decorated by a wrought iron motif, but these were barely visible now, having been destroyed by rust and the glacial winds. A giant, silver chandelier, now smashed into a thousand pieces, lay scattered in front of the entrance, alongside the remains of a massive iron throne. The giant wooden doors stood slightly ajar, held to the wall by wrought iron hinges. The long, black metal handles sprouted out of the wood like brambles, twisting to form a splendid rose where they re-joined the wood.

Bewitched by this enchanting place, I pulled gently on one of the handles and stepped inside. Most of the roof had fallen through, and shattered pieces of slate lay scattered over the floor, making it difficult to walk without stabbing the soles of my feet. The walls and floor were crafted from the same dark purple stone as the outside of the palace, and apart from the shattered roof tiles, the great hall was totally empty. I could almost feel the ghosts wandering about.

I kept on walking, my gaze constantly flickering, trying to look around whilst also attempting to protect my feet from the shards of slate. After walking down what felt like an endless corridor, I noticed something gleaming to my right. Glancing across, I realised that the light was coming from a wooden door that had been left slightly ajar. Walking over to it, I discovered that it led to a ramshackle stairway, and after considering my options for a few seconds, I decided to follow the light and climb the stairs. Sunbeams filtered through the walls, helping me to distinguish where I was stepping, and as I climbed higher, I wondered what I might discover when I reached the top.

After an eternity, the stairway came to an end, and I found myself standing in front of a small wooden door. A disturbing feeling came over me; I felt like I was being watched, and I pushed the door open, trying to escape the sensation. The room behind the door was almost spherical in shape and had been crafted from the same purple stone as the rest of the palace. It had probably been dark in the past, since there were only two tiny, narrow windows, but the roof was now full of holes, letting in the early morning sunlight. A small wooden bed lay along the far wall, while a chair, still in good condition, lay on its side under the window closest to me, some roof pieces scattered next to it.

The sensation of being watched still haunted me and had now been joined by a new feeling; I had been here before… no, that was impossible… and yet the feeling of déjà vu was so strong that I could not deny the possibility, no matter how impossible it seemed. Frightened, I moved into the middle of the room, but the feeling only grew more intense, except now I was not experiencing my own emotions, but someone else’s. Whoever was inside my head had been here before, and they had suffered; their screams of agony filled my head, and I covered my ears, trying to shut out the pain.

A shrill whistle sounded behind me, and I turned, but there was no one there. It happened again, and I began to panic, terrified of this invisible adversary. The room gave off a black aura, reeking of death, and though I had never been one to believe in ghosts, I felt the presence of a lost soul here. Frantically, I turned towards the door, desperate to escape, when a strange melody stopped me. The music gripped me in its embrace; I had heard this melody before, and I could not stop myself from trying to find where the sound was coming from.

I discovered a golden trunk, encrusted with gems and full of clothes. The lid was raised, yet the inside showed no sign of being exposed to the elements; unlike the rest of the palace, there was no dust or snow. It seemed to have just been opened, but how? Sitting on my knees in front of it, I realised that the beautiful melody was coming from inside the trunk. Mesmerised, I lifted one of the dresses to find a gold, heart-shaped medallion hiding beneath it. The medallion was unclasped, its mechanism visible. Lifting it closer to my face, I became hypnotised by the sorrowful melody. I was certain that it was neither the first time I had seen this medallion, nor the first time I had listened to this melody. But how could I possibly have heard it before? It made no sense.

Suddenly, a scene flashed into my mind: a man with roughly chopped black hair sat on his knees, his body covered in cuts and blood. His head was being held by a man with long silver hair, and as I watched, the silver-haired man took out a long silver dagger and plunged it into the other man’s chest. The scene had come and gone so quickly that I had not been able to distinguish any faces, but for some unknown reason, a wave of terrible grief consumed me. I had never experienced a pain like this; seeing that man die, whoever he was, had brought a feeling of such emptiness and loss that I felt like someone had plunged a dagger through my own heart. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I could barely breathe.

Out of nowhere, the same shrill sound as before cut through the air, and I leapt to my feet, dropping the medallion. As it hit the floor the clasp shut tight and the melody stopped, releasing me from my internal nightmare. I turned and ran, crashing through the wooden door and almost falling down the stairs in my haste. I was frightened and confused; all I wanted to do was go back to Maheliah’s palace, curl up in my soft warm bed, and try to forget the horror that I had just experienced.

Back in the great hall, everything seemed less terrifying, and as I focused my mind on trying to avoid stepping on the fractured pieces of slate, my breathing calmed. I stopped, remembering why I was here. I still needed to find Akaoh. Taking a deep breath and drying my tear-stained cheeks, I tried to calm my mind. To my right was another door, sunlight filtering softly through its aged wooden panels. Trying to forget what had just happened to me, I gathered my courage and crossed the hall, slowly pushing the door open.

A massive room came into view, scattered with giant stone blocks that had clearly fallen from the walls and the ceiling over the years as the palace had slowly disintegrated. A stone rostrum stood at the far end of the room, and in the centre of the rostrum, a large silver throne rose from the fractured stone. It looked completely out of place, not only because it remained untouched by the elements, but also because someone was sitting upon it, looking as solemn as the dark stone that made up the palace.

The man was wearing a long, hooded cloak that covered his entire body; even his face was hidden behind the dark material. All that was visible was a wrinkled, almost skeletal hand, wrapped around the handle of a black, wooden cane, which was topped by a magnificent, glittering ruby. He raised his head slightly, just enough for me to see his face. He was pale, with deep wrinkles, and his eyes were red as blood; cruel and bewitching, just as Maheliah had described them.

I walked closer to him, slowly, and he continued to gaze at me, his emotionless eyes fixed on my face. After three more careful steps, I finally plucked up the courage to speak.

“Akaoh? Sorry to bother you, I…”

“Needless to say your name. I know who you are.”

His deep voice echoed around the room; it seemed to be coming from somewhere far below the ground, not from the man who sat before me. I was confused. What did he mean? How could he possibly know me?

“Fada… for the past twenty years, I have heard only this name.”

He stretched his hand towards me, inviting me to sit on the ruined stairs beside the throne. I did as instructed, all the while gazing into his bewitching eyes.

“Maheliah told me about you, so I thought—”

“Curiosity has been the cause of much pain and sorrow in the past. Following it is not the right path.”

I continued to look at him with wide eyes. He was as strange as Maheliah had suggested, and his voice was quite terrifying. Nevertheless, I could not stop looking into his eyes and listening to his every word.

“I just wanted to meet you… I have been told so much—”

“People may speak about me, but you are the one everybody is talking about. And so it shall remain, even after your departure to Eihwaz.”

“Excuse me?”

Akaoh smirked. He seemed satisfied, but his words scared me. How did he know what would happen to me in the future?

“You do not like being the centre of attention, yet this is your fate. You do not have a choice.”

“Are you saying you know my future?”

“I know everything about you, the entirety of your existence…” He smirked again and looked straight into my eyes. “I know about your visits to Netis, and I know how much your feelings for him torment you…”

I felt the blood drain from my face. Nobody knew about our relationship except me and Netis. Sure, the guards always made snide comments, but Netis assured me that they would never say anything to anyone. How had Akaoh found out?

“You are afraid… you believe that what you are doing is wrong, yet you cannot prevent yourself from seeing him. But this is a part of you, Fada. Your soul calls for his…”

Akaoh’s words sounded like a prophecy. ‘Your soul calls for his’… what did he mean by that? Being close to Netis always felt good; felt right. But I was not sure that it had anything to do with my soul.

“You seem to know everything.”

“I know many things. I know that you will continue your visits to Netis, no matter how wrong it might seem…”

I hated that he was right. No matter how guilty I felt for meeting up with Netis, I knew that I would not stop. For some reason, being with him felt right; it was like something inside me could only be at peace when I was with him. Could that be what Akaoh was talking about? Was my soul the invisible force that was pulling me towards Netis, day after day?

“You believe I should continue to see Netis?”

“I do not believe anything. I am only disclosing to you what is to come.”

“So, continuing to see him is my fate?”

“You finally understand.”

He smirked again, a disgustingly self-satisfied smile. He looked at me like he knew I would obey his predictions, and though part of me wanted to rebel against him, I knew that I would not.

“No more words, my dear?”

“I don’t know what else to say.”

“Then you must go. Your future has already been decided, Fada. Go and fulfil it.”

I was confused. I wanted to hear more, but I was also afraid of him, of his words. Suddenly, the horror of what had happened only moments earlier came back to haunt me, and I stood shakily to my feet, curtseying to him in the Solish manner, before walking as quickly as I could towards the door.

As soon as I had negotiated the shards of slate in the great hall, I set off in a sprint, my mind whirling with everything that had happened. I had finally met Akaoh, and he had been even more confusing and mysterious than I had anticipated. I had prepared myself to meet a strange man, old and secluded, but I had never expected anything like that. He was intriguing, and clearly very wise, but he frightened me, and I knew that if he ever commanded me to do something, I would obey his words.

I arrived back at Maheliah’s palace lost in thought, still hypnotised by my encounter with Akaoh. Walking mindlessly up the main stairs, I was surprised to see Maheliah sitting on her throne, talking with Nalhya and Lilhya, the three of them looking anxious. As soon as she saw me, Maheliah leapt to her feet.

“Fada, where were you? You weren’t in your room this morning. We were about to send out a search party.”

“I’m sorry to have worried you. I woke up early, so I thought I would head out and explore some of Hagalaz before breakfast. This is my future kingdom after all.”

I could not tell her the truth. She would have been furious had she known that I had been to visit Akaoh.

“You’re quite right, of course. I’m sorry, Fada. You have every right to go wherever you wish. I know I can be overprotective sometimes…”

I smiled. “It’s okay. I know it’s only because you care about me. But I’m pretty resilient, you know. You don’t need to worry.”

“I know, sweetheart. But Hagalaz is still unknown to you… just be careful, please? And maybe leave us a note next time if you decide to head out so early. You scared the life out of the twins!”

I smiled apologetically at Nalhya and Lilhya. “I’m sorry to have worried you.”

The twins tutted their heads in unison, then grinned at me. I smiled back, and each of the twins grabbed one of my hands, pulling me along after them.

“Come on, we’re late. The other women will be wondering why we’re not bathing with them.”

Rolling my eyes, I matched their pace, following them down to the hot springs.

After the stress and confusion of this morning’s adventure, delicately sliding into the warm water felt like a balm for my soul, and I instantly relaxed into the familiar ritual. Nalhya and Lilhya slid into the water beside me, and once we had washed our hair and scrubbed the grime from our bodies, we drifted over the edge of the springs, enjoying the warmth.

“So, Fada, where did you go this morning?” Lilhya asked.

“Oh, nowhere in particular. I wanted to discover a bit more of Hagalaz, that’s all,” I answered, trying to keep my face relaxed so as not to give anything away.

“Is it a tradition on Earth to visit unknown places early in the morning?” Nalhya enquired.

“No, it’s just a Fada tradition,” I grinned, and we collapsed into laughter.

“You’re so strange, Fada.”

“People used to think I was strange on Earth too.”

“Must just be you then,” Nalhya laughed, poking me gently in the ribs.

We chatted for a while longer, poking fun at each other and splashing around in the warm water. It made me happy, being with the two of them, and as I looked around the hot springs, I realised that everyone seemed to share that feeling. It was a peaceful time; a chance for everyone to put aside their differences and their concerns and just relax together in the warm water.

But no matter how much I was enjoying this moment, Akaoh’s words still resonated in my head. I was already convinced that, no matter how hard I tried, I would not be able to stop myself from seeing Netis, and his words only confirmed that. I had never believed in such fanciful things as fate and destiny, but given the circumstances, I was suddenly unsure. Something was pulling me towards Netis, just as Akaoh had predicted, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.