CHAPTER XI - SINNING OR DOING THE RIGHT THING

 

 

 

Once again, I found myself outside of Netis’ palace, aware that I was about to carry on with the same old mistake. The guards smirked as I approached them, and I looked down, not wanting to meet their gaze. I knew they were aware, at least in part, that something was going on between me and Netis, and I did not want to give them the satisfaction of seeing the guilty expression on my face.

Once inside, I made my way slowly up the stairs. I had walked this route so many times now, yet every step was like a stab in my stomach. I was about to betray Angel, again. I could not stop; worse still, I did not want to stop. My heartbeats sped and I took a deep breath, trying to relieve my anxiety. Why did Netis have such a hold on me?

Reaching the door, I wrapped my hand around the silver handle, pausing for a moment. I could turn back now… end this once and for all. I sighed. I had been here before, every day for the last however many months, but the logic of turning back had never been enough. The pull was too strong. Sighing again, I pushed open the door. Netis was facing the window, his hands crossed behind his back. He turned, smiling when he saw me, and walked across the room. As soon as I met his gaze, all my doubt, guilt and confusion instantly vanished, and I smiled, shutting the door behind me.

I moved to meet him in the centre of the room, a force that I could not control drawing me towards him. He fixed his eyes on mine, full of desire, and I stared back at him with the same look, forgetting my last ounce of shame. Unconsciously, I slowly moved my face closer to his and he swiftly filled the gap, laying a passionate kiss on my lips. My hands snaked behind the back of his neck, and I pulled away, scrutinising his gaze, hoping that I might find something that would make this invisible force and my desire for him disappear. But there was nothing but his beautiful onyx eyes, gazing at me with an intensity that was impossible to resist. The last shreds of my resolve disintegrated. All I wanted now was to be here, in this moment, with him. Nothing else mattered.

His lips slid down my chin to my neck, kissing me softly, while his hands caressed my body with delicate, sensual gestures, making me sigh with pleasure. Feeling my dress softly sliding down my body, I realised that Netis must have unlaced it, but he had been so gentle that it had felt like nothing more than a caress on my back. My body was now so close to his that I wondered how we were still standing, so I pulled us over to the bed and slid my hands down to his hips as I sat on the edge. Pulling up his linen shirt, I eased it up over his head, kissing his chest.

Pulling away for a moment, I marvelled at the beauty of him. Before meeting him, I had always assumed that as a warrior his chest and arms would be bulky, but he was not like that at all. His body was lean, yet muscular, and gazing at his naked torso lit up a fire inside of me, making me want him even harder. I needed to put my hands on him; to feel the warmth of his body. Running my fingers over his chest I could feel his fast heartbeats under his soft skin, and his abs tightened with every caress.

Unlacing his trousers, I lay down on my back, still caressing his chest. He followed my gesture, looking deep into my eyes, and while my fingers were still wandering over his chest, his own gestures became more sensual, his hands alighting sensitive parts of my body. My breathing sped up as I was seized by a fit of giddiness, and I gripped his back, moaning with pleasure as he came inside me. My legs trembled; I could feel his heart beating in time with mine as his breathing became more ragged. The pleasure rose inside me, and his gaze met mine, only for a second, but it was enough for me to understand that the pleasure he felt in this moment was as strong as mine.

Feeling the pressure of his body on mine made my desire more intense, and my moans became uncontrollable shrieks of ecstasy. I had never felt so fulfilled, and I wished that he could stay inside of me forever. I moved on top of him, pulsing fast then slow, losing myself in the moment. Suddenly, I gripped his chest, a wave of heat submerging me from head to toe. My shrieks grew louder, and I was breathing heavily as my thighs tightened around his hips. It seemed like pleasure would never leave me. I directed Netis’ hands towards my breasts, my entire body drowning under my passion for him, and he grasped them strongly, looking deep into my eyes, delighting in my ecstasy.

We continued to pleasure each other, moving from one position to another, but as with every good thing, this too had to end. Eventually, Netis stopped moving, letting his body relax on top of me as he recovered. Feeling the weight of his body on my back made me realise how much I belonged to him. I had fought so much for my freedom, yet I had become a prisoner to his body.

He laid down next to me, still regaining his breath, and I rested my head on his chest, kissing and caressing it gently. I could see the sun through the window slowly descending in the sky, and I knew that I needed to leave. Usually, I had at least a couple of hours with Netis, but my history lessons had taken longer than usual that day, and I had arrived at the palace much later. I did not want to leave him yet, but I had no choice. The storm was coming; if I did not leave now, it would be too late.

Sitting upright, I slid to the edge of the bed, grabbing my dress from the floor. I felt Netis lay his hand on my shoulder, kissing my neck softly. I closed my eyes, momentarily forgetting my predicament, and turned my face towards him. He laid his lips on mine, brushing them against my cheek.

“Stay…” he whispered, his voice full of desire, taking my chin between his fingers and gazing at me.

“You know I can’t stay,” I whispered sadly, resting my head on his shoulder, trying to avoid his bewitching gaze. “The storm will be here soon; I have to get back.”

Turning away from him, I stood up from the bed, pulling on my dress and lacing it up as best I could, before walking over to the door. Opening it, I finally plucked up the courage to glance back at Netis. He was still looking at me, but his gaze was softer now; I could tell that he genuinely wanted me to stay. I smiled softly at him before turning and leaving the room, closing the door behind me.

I walked down the stairs lost in thought, trying to imagine how Netis might be feeling now that I had gone. Perhaps he was sad that I had left, or perhaps he was already thinking about something more important than me. Had he really wanted me to stay, or had I just imagined the affection in his gaze? Still lost in thought, I wandered past the guards without paying them much attention, but as I walked away from the palace, their laughter and lewd conversation dragged me back to reality.

“Now I understand why our dear king was so desperate to have her by his side.”

“She must be good to have kept his attention for this long. Can’t complain though. Banging her everyday has worked wonders on his temper; I’ve never seen him so calm.”

Their words should have annoyed me, but I did not have the energy to retaliate. It was hardly surprising that they had figured out what was going on; they saw me enter and leave the palace on a daily basis, and Netis and I weren’t exactly subtle. As long as they did not tell Maheliah or Angel about our ‘relationship’, I did not care what the guards thought. I had too much else to worry about.

Walking towards Maheliah’s palace, I once again tried to make sense of my choices. Justifying my first liaison with Netis was easy – it had been the only way to save Angel – and sleeping with him a second time had felt like a redemption for the pain I had caused him the first time. I had needed to alleviate my guilt and pleasuring him had felt like the only solution at the time. If it had only been twice, I could have understood my actions; I could have forgiven myself. But it had not only been twice, and no matter how many excuses I came up with, I could not justify those choices.

Every day I told Angel how much I loved him, and everyone around us could see how much we cared for one another. So why could I not shake this attraction to Netis? Angel had been my first love, and my first kiss; the first man I had ever been close to. Then, only days after that first kiss, I had slept with another man, in order to try and save my first love. But having sex with Netis had brought new feelings to me, new pleasures that I had never enjoyed before, and I could only reason that this was why I desired him so much. In order to break away from Netis, I simply had to control my desire. Surely it must be possible?

I was so lost in my thoughts that I barely acknowledged the palace guardians, walking up the stairs and into my room in a daze. A few moments later, Maheliah entered.

“Fada, there you are. How was Netis today? Any news for me?” she asked, sitting next to me on the bed.

I had no idea what new lie I could possibly tell her; I felt bad for constantly making up excuses, but I had no choice. I could not tell her the truth.

“He still doesn’t want to cooperate,” I shrugged, unable to think of anything better to tell her.

“I see… I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. He’s the most stubborn person I’ve ever met…”

I stopped listening to her, returning to my thoughts. Akaoh’s words kept on resonating in my head, and I knew that he was right. I could not resist Netis, but I hated that I was betraying Angel. I loved him so much; he was always so sweet with me and had never done anything to hurt me. If Angel discovered what was happening between me and Netis, he would never forgive me, and I knew that I would never be able to forgive myself either. I tried to remember all the terrible things that Netis had done, but I knew that he regretted those mistakes, and would never hurt me again. I felt safe with Netis; I trusted him, and he was always charming and gentle with me. Yet I had also seen his darker side, and the way he had talked about Maheliah and Angel still pained me. But it was not enough for me to stop feeling attracted to him.

“Fada, are you listening to me?” Maheliah asked, putting an end to my daydream.

“Sorry. What were you saying?”

“I was saying that Netis should learn to be more open-minded and less selfish. He thinks about no one but himself. It’s unbearable.”

“Don’t be so harsh on him, Maheliah. He can be kind sometimes, and I know that he has a good heart.”

“You’re defending him now, that’s new…”

“It’s just that I’ve seen his good side too. I know he can be gentle and understanding.”

“Well, he should be like that more often. I don’t recall the last time I saw that side of him. If only he was more like Angel. That boy is a gem; so sweet and respectful. You’re lucky to have him.”

“I know, though I have to admit, I feel like his respect for me goes a bit too far sometimes.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just that, whenever we spend time alone together, he barely touches me. He’ll hold me, and kiss me occasionally, but that’s all. It makes me worry that he doesn’t find me attractive.”

Maheliah laughed. “Oh, you worry too much, Fada. His behaviour is quite normal here.”

I raised my eyebrows at her, confused.

“He’s abiding by the law, Fada. That’s all.”

“Abiding by the law? What do you mean? What law?” I was even more confused now.

“It’s one of our most ancient laws, and also one of the most ridiculous.”

“What is it?”

Maheliah sighed. “It stipulates that any princess of Hagalaz must share her body with the current king before she can be touched in that way by another man.”

“What? But that’s ridiculous. It doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know, it’s ludicrous. The law was created in order to link each generation; since we can’t procreate, the heirs to the throne are not technically legitimate. The ancients decided on this stupid law as a way to make that link.”

“Does that mean that you can only become queen after sleeping with the current king?”

“No, you can become the queen, but you can’t have sex with a man, no matter how in love you might be…”

I was astounded by what Maheliah was saying. How could such a law exist? And what were the implications for my own situation? I felt my muscles tense as the reality hit me. Angel would never be intimate with me; he would abide by the law and leave me untouched. He did not know that the law no longer applied to me, because I had already had sex with Netis, but in order for him to know that we could be together, I would have to tell him what I had done. How could I possibly confess such a thing to Angel? I had slept with Netis numerous times, and I knew I would not be able to lie to Angel and pretend that it had only happened once. What would Angel think of me? Would he ever forgive me? Perhaps I could convince Angel to break the law? But then what would become of my relationship with Netis? Could I spend the rest of my life without being in Netis’ arms? Perhaps I would not need his touch anymore, if I could be intimate with Angel?

“Fada, are you okay?” Maheliah asked, concerned by my silence.

“Yes, I’m fine. I just can’t get over how ridiculous the law is.”

“I know, but don’t worry, I’ll find a way for you to get around it.”

“How?”

“I still don’t know how, but I won’t allow Netis to touch you. He would enjoy it far too much, and I could not bear to see him hurt you again.”

I looked down, trying to hide my guilt. Maheliah was right, though she did not know it. Netis did enjoy being with me, and I enjoyed being with him. Though I hated to admit it, I loved feeling the weight of his body on mine, and it was exciting to feel him control his strength whenever he touched me. Being in his arms made me feel safe, protected, but every time I left him, I felt ashamed, because I had betrayed Angel yet again.

“Yes… I suppose you’re right…” was the only answer I could give her.

Maheliah did not say anything else; she seemed lost in her thoughts. I suddenly remembered that she had been a princess when Akaoh was king, and an awful vision filled my mind. Horrified and disgusted, I looked at her with panicked eyes.

“Wait, does that mean you had sex with Akaoh?”

“No, Fada, I did not. You needn’t look so worried. I decided a long time ago that I would never indulge in such things.”

“You mean you took a vow of chastity?”

“Yes, in a way. I decided that I could not let Akaoh touch me. He had raised me, and though he had never been loving, he was nonetheless like a father to me. It would have felt so wrong to even think of his hands on me. But I also think it is useless to create a new pleasure when we have so many others.”

“A new pleasure?”

“Since we cannot create life, sex is only for pleasure, not for procreation. I believe we have enough pleasures in life to satisfy us already; it is useless to add another.”

“Do you think, if you fell in love, you would change your mind? Have you been in love before?”

Maheliah looked down, but I caught a glimpse of unmistakable sadness in her eyes.

“No…” she answered softly.

Worried that I had hurt her feelings, I tried to think of something to say to change the subject, but she looked up and continued as if nothing had happened.

“I’m not the only one. Ever since the creation of this law, almost every princess had taken a ‘vow of chastity’, as you say. Most of them considered their king to be a father-like figure, making it impossible for them to imagine being touched by him in that way. I know it’s different for you, because you’ve only just met Netis, but think of how hard it has been for all of us before you. Those men were our fathers, even though we did not share blood with them.”

“What about the princess who was sent to Laguz? Did she have to give herself to her father before she got married?’’

“No, it’s more complicated than that. The other kingdoms don’t know about this law because they don’t know that we can’t procreate.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me about this before?”

“I felt like you needed to learn other things first, but since you’re asking, let me explain. The other kingdoms don’t even know about the existence of Earth; most people in our world believe that only our planet is inhabited. Not only do they have no idea that we are infertile, but they also don’t know anything about the law concerning Hagal princesses.”

“Why not?’’

“If they knew that we could not procreate, they would see us as unworthy, and would most likely stop trading with us. They would probably also wish to go down to Earth and invade it. We cannot let that happen. We must protect our future offspring.”

“But what about the princess? How did they manage to send her to Laguz and work around this law?”

“We won the war against Othalaz thanks to Laguz, and in recompense, our princess was forced to marry the prince of Laguz. Given the complex political circumstances, the princess was allowed to break our law, for in Laguz, a prince may only marry a woman who has never been touched by another man. The royal family of Laguz hoped that they would have a child together, who would then become the heir to both Laguz and Hagalaz. However, the princess would obviously never have become pregnant, so the plan was to wait for her to hear the soul of an Earthly infant, then hide her in Hagalaz until after the baby had been born, so that she could pretend that the soul she had heard was their own child. Sadly, this never happened…’’

“Why not?”

“She died before hearing a soul, meaning that the kingdoms of Hagalaz and Laguz were never truly tied.’’

I was intrigued by this princess and saddened by her story. She seemed to have been manipulated her whole life; I wondered whether anyone had ever cared to document her side of the story.

“Can you tell me more about her, Maheliah?’’

“One day, yes. Her story is quite long and complicated; there’s a lot of mystery that surrounds her, and much of her story remains unknown. Perhaps once you manage to convince Netis to end this stupid war against me, I will tell you. It can be your reward,” she answered, smiling.

Satisfied that, hopefully, I would one day learn more about this mysterious princess, I shifted the conversation back to the strange law.

“Why was the law about princesses accepted if no princess ever followed through with it? It seems so pointless.”

“Believe me, there are many useless laws in the world, not just in Hagalaz. I have always believed that this law was not in fact instated to create a link between generations, but was instead put in place to keep the queens of Hagalaz under strict control. Indeed, it was believed by many at the time that, if they could not think about sex, the young queens would be more able to focus their minds on their queenly duties.”

“What about the men then? Why should only women not be able to think about sex? What kind of misogynistic rule is that?”

“Back when the law was voted upon, only men were allowed on the council, and according to them, women let their emotions control them too much. They believed that creating such a law would prevent future queens from not doing their job properly.”

“That’s so stupid, how could they have been so narrow minded? Sometimes I wonder whether men just feel the need to control women purely because they’re scared that those women will overpower them.”

“I know, my dear, but sadly that law has been in place for centuries, and every princess has been forced to deal with it at some point in their lives.”

“But didn’t you say that most princesses were expected to get married?”

“Yes, but other than the princess who was sent to Laguz, most of them married men from this kingdom. Such couples were expected to sleep in separate bedrooms, but whilst the women were not permitted to have sex with their husbands, or anyone else for that matter, the men in these marriages were permitted as many mistresses as they desired.”

I looked at Maheliah in horror, angered by the misogyny of this ridiculous law. Knowing that I now lived in a kingdom that had once been ruled by such men disgusted me, and I could not understand why the law had not yet been repealed. It made me all the more determined to end this war between Netis and Maheliah, so that they could agree to get rid of this ridiculous rule. I wondered whether Maheliah had ever been forced into such a marriage.

“What about you, Maheliah? How is it that you are queen and Netis is king, when you are not married to one another?”

“Netis is older than me, which means that his wife should have been queen, but since he never married, I am queen of Hagalaz for now. And since I doubt he shall ever marry, when I eventually pass on my position, you shall be queen in my place.”

My head was full of new information, and it was difficult to process everything. Governing a kingdom did not sound easy, and I knew that I would need to learn many new skills in order to become a queen as great as Maheliah.

Standing up from the bed, Maheliah explained that she had a few more things to organise before our evening bathing session, and after kissing me tenderly on the forehead, she left the room, closing the door behind her.

Collapsing onto my bed, I tried to come to terms with everything Maheliah had just told me. If the law stated that I had to sleep with Netis in order to have sex with another man, why had Netis so readily agreed to my deal to save Angel? According to Maheliah, the whole reason they were fighting was because Netis wanted to keep me by his side, so why had he not used that law as an excuse? As a tool to secure me as his property? Suddenly, I realised that Netis had not gained anything from that first liaison. He had not made a deal with me… he had done me a favour. But why?

It seemed that I was constantly discovering new things about this mysterious man. He was not as cruel and bitter as he pretended to be, and my opinion of him took a different turn that day. Suddenly, the beast was not a monster at all, but a kind-hearted prince, with a troubled past.