CHAPTER XII - TWO SOULS FOR ONE HEART

 

 

 

The following day, I hurried to Netis’ palace as usual, barely taking notice of my surroundings. I knew this route by heart now, and as I walked the familiar path through the snow, I began to wonder whether the route between the two palaces might one day be marked by a road of some kind. I sighed internally at my foolish optimism. I would be lucky if Netis and Maheliah ever agreed to end this war; the chances of them uniting in harmony and building a ‘bridge’ between their two palaces was extremely unlikely.

Saddened by my harsh reality, I walked on. I had only known war and anger ever since I had arrived here, and I was desperate for a glimmer of hope, of joy. Hagalaz was a beautiful place, but nothing else was pleasant in this world. It would have been so easy for Netis and Maheliah to choose the path of peace; why had they decided on war? Sometimes I felt like everyone, both in Hagalaz and on Earth, was making life difficult for themselves on purpose. It was so easy to live happily, and I was beginning to wonder whether the people of Hagalaz and Earth enjoyed suffering. Perhaps it made them feel more alive to feel pain and anger, rather than peace and joy.

My contemplations made me think of a girl I had met as a teenager. She had every reason to be happy: loving parents with stable jobs; a beautiful house; a perfect family life; a wonderful secondary school; good friends… and yet she was always putting herself in difficult situations and inventing stories and misfortunes because she thought it made her life sound more interesting. It was as though she could not enjoy what she had without feeling that she had experienced pain. It was beyond my capacity to understand people who invented sorrow just to add excitement to their lives, and I remember being so confused and frustrated by her behaviour.

Looking back on that experience, I realised that it was exactly the same here in Hagalaz. Netis and Maheliah were fighting for no reason other than to achieve their version of happiness, their version of success. They felt it necessary for one of them to be victorious in their battle to ‘own’ me, when they could easily have trained me and spent time with me together. They both felt that they had to suffer in order to have earned their ‘ownership’ of me, when it would have been much simpler to just accept one another’s wishes and come to a compromise.

I reached the palace with these thoughts running through my head, and as usual, the two guards looked at me scornfully.

“If it isn’t our little princess.”

“Come for another screw with His Highness, have we?”

“Shame the king isn’t one for sharing, I would love to know what it feels like with this one. But no doubt we’re not good enough for her.”

“At least we know where we stand. Poor Angel doesn’t even realise he’s got competition.”

Their last words tipped me over the edge. Usually, I could ignore their lewd comments, but a lot had happened over the past few days and my nerves were strained.

“Haven’t you had enough of criticising everything I do and giving your unfounded opinion on me all the time?” I snapped.

The two of them smirked.

“What are you gonna do about it, princess?”

Glaring at their smug expressions, I walked past them and pushed open the door. They were right, there was nothing I could do… unless I complained to Netis about them, but I was worried that he might do more to them than they deserved. They were rude and irritating, yes, but they did not deserve to die.

Knocking on the bedroom door, I entered Netis’ room without waiting for an answer. He was standing in front of his window again, and turned around slowly, greeting me with a seductive smile before turning his head back to the window. Seeing him made me forget the guards’ words, and I regained my calm instantly.

“For such a busy king, you seem to spend an awful lot of time gazing out of the window. I can’t imagine what could be so interesting to look at,” I announced in a mocking tone.

“I would have you know that looking out of this window helps me to gather my thoughts. A king always has many matters that require thinking upon,” he answered, turning to face me and smiling again.

“And what is so soothing to look at that it helps the king to focus his mind?” I asked, walking towards him.

“It’s not important…”

Pulling me towards him, he gazed into my eyes, and I moved my body closer to his, before sliding to his left in order to look out of the window. He stopped me, moving his body closer to mine.

“No need to look. You wouldn’t understand anyway…” he whispered, caressing my cheek with his lips.

“Why not?” I asked, caressing the back of his neck with my fingers and looking straight into his bewitching black eyes.

“Because I’m the only one who can understand… and you’re not me…” he answered, before placing his hands on my back and kissing me passionately, filling my mind with his presence.

After slipping back into my dress, I lay on Netis’ bed, propping myself up on my elbows as I watched him gaze contemplatively out of the window. A few minutes ago, we had been in each other’s arms, regaining our breath, but now his thoughts, and mine, were elsewhere. As I lay on my front, my head resting on my forearms, I began to contemplate my life in Hagalaz, and what it had cost me. I had discovered so much during my time here, and I was grateful, but by coming to Hagalaz, I had been forced to say goodbye to the most important people in my life.

Though I tried not to, I thought of my brother and my dad often, and wondered what they thought had happened to me. They would certainly be worried, and I hated that I had been forced to leave without giving an explanation; without telling them that the sister and daughter they had always known was not the person they thought she was. But if I had told them the truth, they would have been convinced that I was losing my mind, and I was certain that my brother must be thinking that I had turned mad and had run off somewhere to live with a load of crazy people. Another, darker thought crossed my mind. What if they hated me? What if their confusion at my strange departure had turned to bitterness and anger? If I returned, would they even want to see me?

I started to panic. I needed to go back to London and explain everything to them. I needed them to know how much I loved them; that I was okay; that I was finally in a place where I belonged. I wondered what my dad’s reaction would be if he could see this new life of mine. My relationship with Angel would certainly have surprised him, but he would probably be happy to see me finally in love. My mother-daughter relationship with Maheliah would definitely have upset him; my birth mother had been the love of his life, and he would have probably accused me of betraying her by forming a bond with Maheliah.

I could not imagine that he would have been particularly happy about my ambiguous relationship with Netis either. I could envision him shouting at Netis, telling him that his behaviour was unacceptable and that he was only thinking about his own pleasure. I would have had to try and explain to him that this was not exactly true, and that the whole situation was more complicated than that, but he would not have cared for my explanation, and would probably have gone for Netis, though I doubted his punches would have caused the warrior king much pain.

That image of my dad trying to attack Netis was so bizarre that I started laughing out loud, causing Netis to turn around in surprise.

“What are you laughing about?”

“Nothing, I was just daydreaming…” I giggled.

“About what? You can’t just laugh out loud and not tell me why.”

I understood his reaction and tried to stop my giggling, reasoning that it was probably a good idea to try and visit my dad again, rather than spending my time imagining crazy scenarios. I wanted him to know that I was alive and well; I could not tell him everything, of course, but at least he would finally know that I was okay and that he did not need to worry about me anymore.

“I was just thinking about going back to Earth. Just one t—”

“Don’t even think about it,” Netis interrupted in a low voice.

“But what about my dad and brother? They must be worried sick about me. I need them to know that I’m okay.”

“Forget about those people and your life on Earth. None of that is your concern anymore,” he continued harshly, gritting his teeth.

“Those people are my family—”

“You’re a royal, Hagalaz is your family.”

“But it’s different for me. I grew up on Earth, with a human family. How can you not understand that?”

“You’re not going back to Earth, I forbid it.”

“You forbid it? How dare you talk to me like that. You don’t control me. If you won’t open a portal for me, I’ll just ask Angel or Maheliah. I’ll only be gone a few hours. I don’t see why you have such a problem with this.”

“You’re not going back to Earth, I forbid it,” he repeated.

His tone infuriated me. Why was he so against me going back to Earth? I gave him a dark look.

“Fine, I’ll just ask Maheliah…”

I felt a pressure on my arm, a feeling I remembered all too well. Netis had taken hold of me, and was pulling me closer to him.

“Don’t you dare ask Maheliah.”

Feeling his hand on my arm reminded me of the first time I had met Netis… of the searing pain I had felt as he burned me. There was no heat coming from his hand now, but his tone and the fierceness of his grip frightened me. I could not bear to see him behaving like this.

“Let go of me!” I cried, trying to pull myself away.

“I need you to promise me that you won’t go back to Earth.”

“Netis, please!”

“Swear to it!” he yelled.

I could feel his hand getting warmer and my memory of our first meeting flashed through my mind. Terrified, I cried out in panic.

“Fine, I swear!”

Netis released me instantly and I pulled away from him, clutching my arm to my chest. Tears of hurt and anger were rolling down my cheeks and Netis’ expression immediately changed, a look of immense sorrow and regret filling his gaze. I looked back at him furiously.

“I hate you,” I spat, my voice trembling, as I fled from the room.

I could hear him calling after me, apologising profusely, but I continued to run down the stairs, forcing my way through the back door of the palace, much to the surprise of the guards. As I ran, I heard another voice calling my name. It sounded like Angel. Perhaps he had seen me running from the palace? Too angry and confused to turn back, I kept running, unable to think clearly. Netis had nearly burned my arm again, yet all I had done was contemplate seeing my family. What was wrong with me wanting to see the people on Earth that I loved and missed? It was none of his business, and I could not understand why he had reacted this way. Was he jealous? Afraid that I would never come back? Or so possessive that he could not cope with the idea of me being away from Hagalaz?

Part of me wished that I had stayed and tried to talk rationally with him, but I knew that we were both too obstinate to have a reasonable conversation. Neither of us would have been willing to compromise, and our conversation would have ended the same way regardless. It did not help that our relationship was so complex; not knowing what I truly wanted from him, or what he wanted from me, made everything more difficult. There was a connection between us, that much was clear; he seemed to understand me, and I thought that I understood him. We both felt passion for each other and seeing pleasure in his eyes made me happy. He also knew my weaknesses; how to comfort me and calm me down. I felt safe around him. And yet, from time to time, he would become the person Maheliah thought he was – violent and pitiless – and everything I thought I knew about him, and our relationship, would shatter into a million pieces.

Confused, angry and heartbroken, I ran blindly through the snowy landscape, eventually finding myself by the lakeside where Angel and I usually spent our time together. Staring out at the lake calmed my mind and strengthened my resolve. Netis did not control my life. I did not need his permission, or Maheliah’s for that matter. I was a royal princess of Hagalaz; I could open a portal myself.

My face still stained with tears, I stood before the lake and held out my arm, trying to copy the hand gestures that I had seen numerous times before. After a few useless attempts, my legs began to tremble. Perhaps I was wrong, thinking that this power would come naturally to me, but I could not stop trying. Night was falling, and the icy wind was blowing colder with every passing minute. Yet I continued to stand there, trying desperately to open the portal that would bring me back to my family. They had loved me and cared for me my whole life, regardless of who I was. The people of Hagalaz were only interested in me because I would be the queen of their kingdom someday. They did not care for my feelings, or what I wanted. I needed to feel the unconditional love of my family again; I needed to know that someone loved me for just being me.

The wind was blowing stronger now, and the sun had nearly set, but I kept my arms in front of me, trying desperately to open this portal. Snowflakes began to fall heavily from the sky, and I felt my muscles tense up from the cold. Suddenly, a huge gust of wind knocked me to the ground, ripping at my hair. I tried to stand again, but the wind was too strong, and my limbs were too weak. Numb from the cold, I lay unmoving as the snow gradually covered my body, my sight growing increasingly blurry. Too exhausted to fight anymore, my senses dimmed, and I sank into a deep lethargy, the world around me taking on a dreamlike quality.

My eyes barely open, I thought I saw a shape coming towards me, but I could not distinguish its features. I felt my body rise up into the air, supported by some unknown force, and as my body left its snowy prison, I felt the sting of my frozen hair whipping at my face. My eyes drifted shut as my body was rocked gently from side to side. I could hear footsteps in the snow. Someone was walking, though I could not tell whether they were moving towards me or away from me.

In my semi-conscious state, I had no concept of time, but at some point, my hair stopped striking my face, and the sound of the footsteps changed, the crunch of snow replaced by the hollow ringing of a stone floor. My body was still in the air, being rocked gently with every footstep. Was someone carrying me? I heard a sharp sound: a woman’s voice. She sounded worried, though I could not decipher her words. I felt my body descending, being placed on something soft, as a calm, deep voice answered her. A man’s voice. My skin began to tingle as the cold slowly started to seep out, and I felt my soaking wet dress sliding along my body. The woman spoke again; she was angry, but the male voice remained calm as he responded. I felt a soft weight being placed on top of my body, a duvet, perhaps? It was hard to tell.

As I gradually regained consciousness, the female voice spoke again, and this time, I recognised who it was. Maheliah. She was still angry, but her voice was softer and lower now. While she was speaking, I could feel something warm moving up and down my arms, awakening my frozen muscles. The man spoke again. Netis was here. Instantly, the muscles that had just been warmed tensed up, and I was glad that most of my body still felt too numb to move. Not only was I still angry and confused, but I was also concerned about Maheliah and Netis being in the same room. What if they started fighting over me while I was too weak to intervene? Thinking about it, why were they both here together? And where was here?

My arms now restored to their normal temperature, I felt the warmth move to my shoulders, then down to my stomach and hips, gently relaxing my muscles until the top part of my body was no longer numb. I could hear Maheliah and Netis talking, and as my body warmed and my mind became clear, their words started to make sense.

“I’m sure you must be enjoying putting your hands on her like that,” Maheliah hissed.

“I only want to get her warm,” Netis answered in his infamously stoic voice.

There was a short pause where the only thing that could be heard was our breathing, mine being significantly weaker than theirs.

“I have such a hard time understanding this behaviour of yours, Netis…”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know how you behave towards people: you’re harsh and merciless, you can’t deny it. Yet… you seem different with her. She’s always saying how kind and caring you are; I thought she was just trying to change my opinion of you, but seeing you being so gentle with her now makes me wonder…”

“I have no reason to be unkind to her. She is sensitive and thoughtful, and though this might surprise you, she for some reason deems me worthy of her respect. She only deserves the same from me.”

“That doesn’t surprise me at all, actually. She always pretends not to care, but I know that she feels something for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s hard to explain… when I talk about you, she always looks down… she seems sad to hear me speak harshly of you…”

I could hear Netis breathing more quickly now. He seemed anxious, like he was trying to control his emotions.

“… and when she comes back after being with you, she always seems lost in her thoughts, even more than usual. Every evening it’s like she’s barely even present, her mind entirely focused on her daydreams.”

There were a few seconds of uncomfortable silence.

“Come to think of it, she never tells me much about her time spent with you. She always finds ways to evade my questions whenever I ask her what you two talk about. Perhaps you could fill me in?”

“I can’t tell you anything if she doesn’t want me to,” Netis replied.

His voice had been calm, but his breathing still seemed ragged to me, though it could easily just be my own anxiety that I was sensing, not his. I was panicking inside, thinking about what would happen if Maheliah discovered what Netis and I really got up to during my visits. It was a relief that I was still not fully conscious, for had this conversation happened when I was more awake, Maheliah would definitely have noticed that something suspicious was going on. This was one of the main differences between me and Netis: unlike me, he could hide his feelings so easily.

After a short pause, Maheliah sighed.

“Fine, I suppose you’re right. But you need to understand that she cares for you, Netis. There’s nothing I can say or do to change her opinion of you…”

“Is it so bad that she feels affection for me?”

“No, of course not…”

Again, there was a short pause.

“Before she was born, you were kind to me…” Maheliah murmured sorrowfully. “We used to have such a strong bond…”

She sounded as though she was trying to hold back tears. I had not realised that she missed her bond with Netis this much.

“The past is the past, Maheliah. You have to forget it. As long as we disagree regarding Fada’s future, we have no choice but to remain at war.”

“I understand…”

Maheliah took a deep breath.

“I’ll go now,” she continued. “Though I understand that she needs to get warm, seeing your hands on her is unbearable for me.”

I could hear her dress brushing against the floor as she walked away, and I felt a shiver go down my spine as I realised that I was now alone with Netis. I could feel his breath on my face, and slowly gathering my strength, I managed to open my eyes. My vision took a moment to return to me, but as the fog cleared, Netis’ face came into view, his lips breaking into a beautiful smile as our eyes met. Seeing him so close to me, smiling so warmly, I could not help but smile back.

Lifting my head up slightly, I noticed that I had been covered by a thick duvet, and as the warmth that had restored my upper body shifted to my legs, I realised that Netis had his hands under the duvet.

“What are you doing?” I asked, looking at him curiously.

“Warming you up,” he said softly. “I finally found a way to use this Othal power of mine for something good.” His eyes were sad as he gazed into mine. “I should never have behaved that way towards you, Fada. There are no words to express how sorry I am for the way I’ve treated you. You don’t deserve to be spoken to the way I spoke to you, especially not by me.”

His words went straight to my heart; I could almost feel his guilt, his remorse. Raising my hand weakly, I cupped his jaw, caressing his cheek with my fingertips. I could not stay angry with him for the way he had treated me. Of course, there was no excuse for that kind of behaviour, not even the fact that he had been raised by a terrible man. And yet, I wanted to give him a chance, not only because he deserved to feel cared for but also because I was a believer that there was good in everyone. The only thing that I needed to do was to find the right way to push the good straight up so that it could finally shine outside his heart too.

Smiling up at him, I realised that his hair was untied, framing his face and softening his usually austere profile. Raising my other hand, I ran my fingers through the loose, ebony strands, marvelling at how beautiful he was.

“Your hair’s untied.”

“So is yours,” he smiled.

“It suits you, you should wear it like that more often…” A thought suddenly struck me, making me giggle. “Though I suppose if you wore it down all the time, you’d have all the women of Hagalaz fawning over you like you were Don Juan or something.”

“Don Juan?”

“One of the greatest lovers of all time. It’s an old Spanish legend, on Earth. Don Juan is said to have seduced hundreds of women; apparently no woman could resist his undeniable charisma. According to the legend, he spent his life searching for love, but he never found it, so he used the women who lusted after him to fill the void in his soul.”

“He seems a rather interesting character… though I’m not sure it’s an especially accurate comparison.”

“I disagree. You’re extremely attractive, and undeniably charismatic, when you want to be.”

Netis smiled softly, his eyes sparkling with desire, affection, and numerous other complex emotions, and I realised then that the gentleness in his face was not entirely down to his untied hair. He was not holding back his feelings as much as he had always done in the past, and my acceptance of his apology seemed to have brought joy to him. He always had such a grave look upon his face, but happiness suited him better.

Taking his hands out from beneath the duvet, he gently placed one hand on my cheek, running the fingers of his other hand through my hair, his warmth slowly drying each strand.

Shifting my body slightly, I slowly tried to push myself upright. Instantly realising what I was trying to do, Netis gently wrapped his hands around my shoulders, pulling me up into a sitting position, all the while looking deep into my eyes, his gaze full of compassion and kindness. Oh, I could have drowned under that gaze. I knew in that instant that he truly cared for me, not only because of what I meant for the future of the kingdom, but because of who I was inside.

“You know, my back still feels cold,” I murmured, biting my lower lip.

Smiling seductively, he rubbed his jaw between his thumb and forefinger, tilting his head slightly, before sliding one of his hands down to my waist, pulling me close as I wrapped my arms around his neck. Resting my head on his chest, I sighed contentedly as he began to gently rub his other hand up and down my back. I hoped he understood that my back was not really cold, and that I just wanted to be in his arms. Wrapped in his embrace, a wave of wellbeing submerged me; all I wanted was to stay in his arms forever, listening to his heart beating, feeling his chest moving up and down with every breath.

Lifting my head, I laid my lips on his, the softness of his kiss enveloping me, finally confirming how I felt. I had never been able to admit it to myself before, always afraid of the consequences; always dwelling on my guilt and confusion. But now, wrapped in his arms, I knew that it was not only sexual desire that made me return to his palace, day after day; that made me unable to stop thinking about him; that filled my dreams with his face, his touch, his voice. Denial was no longer an option: I was in love with him.

Breaking our kiss, I nestled my face into the hollow of his neck, trying to come to terms with this new revelation, but Netis gently pushed against my shoulders, forcing me to look at him. It lasted only a couple of seconds, but the passion in his eyes was enough to convince me not to deny my realisation. Laying another tender kiss on my lips, he pulled me towards him, letting my head fall back onto his chest. I did not know what the future might hold, or what the consequences of this newfound love might be, but in that moment, none of those things mattered. All that mattered was how right it felt to be in his arms.