CHAPTER XIV - TALKING TO FORGET

 

 

 

Night had fallen, and the snowstorm raged outside, erasing all evidence of the battle that had caused nothing but heartache and grief. Sitting curled up on my bed, my head resting on my knees, I stared out into the darkness, my face streaked with tears that would not stop flowing.

We had managed to salvage all the dead bodies from the battlefield and had laid them all out in the great hall, bringing basins and towels down from the washroom to clean away the blood. I had wanted to help, but Maheliah had gently informed me that it was not my role to do so. Instead, we had both stood silently in the corner, watching as each of the corpses were bathed. Seeing my friends’ lifeless bodies laid out in rows on the stone had brought with it a pain that cut me right to my core. They were there, lying right next to me, and yet they were gone.

After a restless night, I trudged slowly down the stairs, a small part of me believing that maybe, just maybe, it had all been a terrible dream. But the bodies were still lying there, and I saw Maheliah kneeling beside the twins, her head bowed in grief. I walked numbly over to join her, staring down at the twins’ pale, lifeless faces. I waited, desperately hoping to see the faintest flush in their cheeks or the smallest movement, but there was nothing. They were truly gone.

Kneeling beside Maheliah, I let my head rest on her shoulder, my tears soaking through the fabric of her dress. She wrapped her arm around me, holding me upright, and we remained there, united in our grief, until Maheliah rose to her feet, kissing me gently on the top of my head. As queen, she could not dwell on her own grief for long. She had to support her subjects.

The day passed quietly and sorrowfully, with all the survivors gathering in the great hall, grieving the loss of friends and family. Maheliah comforted each group of mourners individually, her empathy and emotion never faltering, no matter how many times she spoke the same words. As evening drew near, I assumed that we would take the bodies outside and bury them beside the palace, but once every family had been comforted, Maheliah stood at the front of the hall and opened a giant portal, gesturing for us to carry the dead through with us. To my surprise, the portal brought us out in front of Netis’ palace, just as the sun was setting, the glowing orb bathing the dead and living alike in its golden rays.

“Netis!” Maheliah cried in a tearful voice. “See what your stubbornness and violence have brought us. Look at these bodies. You have killed them, Netis. Your own people. They lie before you now, as a reminder of what you have done. By nightfall, snow will have covered them all, but this should not be their grave. If you have even the slightest ounce of remorse left, you will give them the burial they deserve.”

Maheliah choked on her tears as she finished her speech. Then, turning to us all, she gestured for us to walk back through the portal, as the storm began to rage. Maheliah and I were the last to leave, and as I took one last look at the lifeless bodies of my friends, I understood that I had no choice but to accept that they would no longer be with me.

 

Sitting on my bed in Maheliah’s palace, I could not stop thinking about the tragedy that had befallen us the previous day. What would happen now? Would Netis finally realise that this war was pointless? Could he be humble enough to forget his need for power? Despite everything that had happened, I did not believe that he was truly heartless, but I knew that life would be different now; I would be different. His kisses and touches would never feel the same.

I was lost in my thoughts when I noticed Maheliah peering shyly through the splintered gap in my door. Her eyes still sparkled sadly, but she smiled softly as she entered, coming to sit next to me on the bed.

“Fada, I know how hard this must be for you…” she began, her voice gentle.

“It’s hard for everyone. This ridiculous battle brought pain to the whole kingdom,” I answered numbly. “Everything’s Netis’ fault, as usual…”

“Don’t blame him. It’s not his fault, but mine.”

“How could this be your fault? He’s the one who sent his army here. You were only defending yourself.”

“No, Fada, you don’t understand. I pushed him too far. I know what triggers his temper, but I angered him anyway. He would have never done such a thing if I had not provoked him. You could have reasoned with him, but I locked you away, too caught up in my own jealousy and pride…”

As she spoke, tears began to roll down her cheeks. It was painful to see how guilty she felt, and I could not hold back my own tears.

“No, Maheliah, this isn’t your fault. Your intention was never to kill anyone, you only did what you thought was best for your people.”

“And yet half of those people are now dead; gone forever. I always wanted you to feel at home in Hagalaz, Fada, and to find your place among our people. I was so happy to see how close you were to Nalhya and Lilhya. Your friendship was pure and honest; they truly loved you.”

“I know… it’s unbearable, knowing that they are gone; knowing that I will never see them again. Who will leave me next? You? Angel? I can’t lose anyone else.” I broke down, my body wracked by uncontrollable sobs.

“Shh, shh, Fada. It’s all right. You’re not going to lose anybody else, I promise.”

“I just don’t understand why they fought against each other. They were all united once. Why did they listen to you and Netis?”

“Because they are loyal.’’

“What do you mean?’’

“I know loyalty to a sovereign isn’t something that you are familiar with, but it’s one of the foundations of our civilisation here. Netis and I are their monarchs; our people don’t want to rebel against us. They swore an oath of allegiance to us, and their duty is to obey and serve us. It’s a very important part of their lives. They’ve been raised understanding that their destiny is to serve truthfully, and to be ready to die for us and their kingdom.”

I was sick and tired of constantly hearing about destiny. Why should everything be set in stone? Why should we all have a defined role and future?

Maheliah laid a kiss on my head, smiling gently as she stood up to leave.

“Maheliah, wait. There’s still something I don’t understand. Why did you stop me from running towards Nalhya?”

“I thought it was best to let her say her farewell to her sister alone. The love between twins is much stronger on our planet than it is on Earth. They are one soul in two different bodies. It would have been impossible for Nalhya to survive without her sister. They could not have lived without each other. Even if she had not killed herself, she would have died of sorrow soon after her sister’s death. Her soul had been sawed in half; nobody could have healed her wound. As soon as her sister died, she died too.”

After Maheliah had left, I curled up on my bed, thoughts and images swirling through my mind: the dead… the blood… Netis… Angel’s wound… Maheliah’s guilt. Staring blindly out of the window, I tried to shut everything out, tried to sleep, but it was useless.

When the sun had almost reached its zenith, I decided to get up. On a normal day, it would have been time to meet Angel, and since I could not imagine spending the rest of the day inside the palace, I reasoned that going down to the lake might at least serve as a welcome distraction.

Dressing myself felt strange, serving as a stark reminder of what I had lost. My morning routine was usually such a joyful time: just the three of us, chatting and laughing together. It would never be the same. They had left me… I would never wake up to the sound of their enchanting crystal voices again.

I finished lacing up my dress alone, in silence, before leaving for our secret place. I hoped Angel would be there. Everything else in my life was falling apart; I needed to know that he was okay.

 

Staring out at the frozen lake, I took a deep breath, trying to focus on the landscape and escape from the confusion of my thoughts. A few moments later, I heard footsteps in the snow, and I turned, relived to see Angel walking slowly towards me. Seeing him surrounded by snow – the blue of his eyes accentuated by the light reflecting off the frozen water – brightened the darkness in my soul. Ever since I had first met him, all those months ago, his presence had warmed my heart, and I felt like every time I saw him, I fell more deeply in love. He was beautiful and lovely; being with him was as easy as breathing.

But then I had met Netis… equally beautiful, though his beauty was quite different. Angel was undeniably gorgeous, and his name suited him well, with his angelic loveliness and pure aquamarine eyes, whereas Netis’ beauty was perhaps not as straightforward; he had a devilish comeliness about him, and it was his charisma more than his looks that made him attractive. His gaze was always stoical, and most people would assume he had no feelings at all, yet I had seen emotion behind his eyes from the moment I first met him. He reminded me of a bear, with his deep black eyes and fearsome reputation. Everyone was afraid of him, not realising that beneath his rage and anger was a broken man, sensitive and gentle, loving even. A beast with a tender heart.

Angel was more like a wolf, protective and loyal, though sometimes his gaze took on the expression of a hounded creature, struggling to break free from captivity. He constantly reminded me that he was Netis’ slave, and every time I tried to tell him that this was not true, he would retort by showing me his necklace, the onyx that Netis had given to him as a child. This symbol reminded me of the bracelet I wore, and the wound beneath it. We both bore marks of ownership; I belonged to Netis just as much as Angel did.

I was dragged from my thoughts by the warmth of Angel’s hand on my cheek. His gaze was concerned, so I smiled softly to reassure him, reaching up my hand and stroking his hair.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Fada. I thought you might not come after what happened yesterday. How’s your shoulder?”

My smile vanished, his words reminding me of the awful battle and the loss I had suffered.

“It’s okay, bruised and sore, but bearable. I just can’t believe how many people we lost yesterday,” I answered, bowing my head.

“At least you’re alive. That’s all that matters.”

“No, it’s not,” I retorted, raising my voice. “I might be alive, but Nalhya and Lilhya… they’re gone, Angel. My best friends are gone…”

My voice trembled as I tried to keep my sobs back. I was so tired of everyone treating me like my life was more worthy than everyone else’s. Nalhya and Lilhya might not have been princesses, but they had not deserved to die.

“I’m sorry, Fada, I didn’t know. I know how close you were to them. I’m truly sorry.”

“They were my closest friends… they were like sisters to me. I’ll never hear their laughter again…”

“It’s okay, I’m here. I’ll always be here,” Angel assured me, pulling me into his chest.

As I wrapped my arms around his waist and clung to him tightly, he let out a gasp of pain, making me pull away in shock. I had completely forgotten about his wound, and as I looked down, I noticed a large bandage covering the area just above his hip.

“Oh, Angel, I’m so sorry. Did I hurt you?”

“I’m okay, don’t worry. I’ve had worse wounds before.”

“Don’t lie to me, I can see the pain in your eyes. Please, let me look at it…”

I moved my hand towards his bandage, but Angel stopped me.

“Don’t. It’s not serious, but the wound isn’t pretty…”

I ignored him, gently peeling the bandage away from his skin. I heard him try to contain another gasp, confirming my suspicions: his injury was more serious than he wanted me to believe. Removing the last of the bandage, I stared down in horror. A large red cut lay just above his hip, coated in coagulated blood, the skin around it red and sore. I could only imagine how painful it was, and I could not understand how he had walked all the way from the palace with a wound like that.

Sliding my fingers delicately around the cut, I felt him shiver in response, and I looked up at him, tears in my eyes.

“This is all my fault. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Angel…”

“Don’t apologise. None of this is your fault. If you had not stopped the fight, things would have been much worse, and I would almost certainly be dead—”

“Don’t say things like that!” My voice was trembling; even the thought of what could have happened made my entire body ache. “How could Netis do this? This is all his fault. I hate him… I hate him!”

Angel pulled me back into his arms, despite his wound.

“Don’t be too harsh on him. Many events led to that battle taking place; the blame is not his alone. He has cared for all of us who were wounded yesterday, and the dead have been given a respectful burial. He cleaned my wound himself, Fada. It’s thanks to him that I am able to walk right now.”

I stared at him. Why would Netis do such a thing? It did not make any sense.

“Well, if it wasn’t for him, you would not have been injured in the first place. It’s his duty to take care of you,” I answered bitterly.

“Fada, please. It’s not his fault. He was trying to do what he thought was best. He’s not always cruel, you know.”

It was ironic that Angel was the one trying to convince me of Netis’ kindness: I knew better than most how affectionate and gentle Netis could be. Nevertheless, it was pleasantly surprising to hear that Netis had treated Angel well, and I felt some of my resentment melting away, though I could not forgive him fully. He may not have killed my friends with his own hands, but their deaths were still his fault.

“I know he caused a lot of pain,” Angel continued. “But I’m certain that he feels guilty about it.”

“I don’t understand why you’re defending him. He’s always so harsh with you.”

“But he’s always been there for me. He may have raised me to be a great warrior, but he has also looked after me for all these years. I am forever indebted to him for that. He’s the only family I have, Fada. I care for him more than I can express.”

His words stabbed me through the heart, and now more than ever, I felt the guilt of my behaviour. I had been secretly having sex with the only family Angel had ever known; I hated myself for my wickedness. People always spoke of how cruel and heartless Netis was, yet I realised in that instant that I was even worse.

“Fada, are you okay?” Angel asked, after too many seconds of silence.

“I’m fine. It’s just… I need to speak to Netis. We need to talk about what happened.”

“I know you’re angry, Fada, but please, don’t be too hard on him.”

“I’ll try…”

Angel did not need to worry. I knew that, even if I began my conversation with Netis angry, I would not be able to stay furious for long; my feelings for him were too strong. It frustrated me, knowing that I would almost certainly end up being kind and gentle with Netis when what I needed to be was harsh and pitiless. I hated the way he made me feel, and I hated how much power he had over me; seeing how Angel felt about him only made me feel more frustrated with myself.

Angel held my chin between his fingers and kissed me tenderly, but though I tried to enjoy the moment, my mind was already thinking about how the conversation with Netis would turn out. Slowly releasing myself from Angel’s embrace, I looked up into his eyes. His gaze was soft, but instead of reassuring me, it made me feel even more guilty, and I immediately looked down, gently replacing his bandage as an excuse not to look at him.

“I have to go now, I told Netis I would help to look after the wounded,” Angel murmured as he watched me fix his bandage.

“Will I see you tomorrow?”

“Always…”

He lifted my chin up and kissed me again, before standing up from the bench and walking back to the palace, leaving me alone with my thoughts once more.

 

The following morning, I woke up with a heavy feeling crushing my lungs. I knew I had to speak to Netis, but I dreaded seeing him, and after thinking it over, I decided to go and talk to Akaoh first. I wanted to hear his view on the whole situation, and what he thought I should do next. I knew his complex speech would make it difficult for me to understand him, but I needed to hear his advice. It was an unusual feeling for me; for as long as I could remember, I had been terrible at listening to others and obeying the rules, and I had always hated the idea of people having power over me. My freedom was too important to me, and having people tell me what I should or should not do made me feel trapped. Yet Akaoh’s orders were different; they were more like prophecies, and whether I liked it or not, I felt compelled to accept everything he said.

After trudging through the snow to the abandoned palace, I entered, walking down the slate covered corridor and swiftly by-passing the door to the strange upstairs room. Akaoh was sitting in the throne room, looking as though he had not moved since the last time I had been to visit him. I walked closer, my heart pounding at the sight of this mysterious man. He had such an incredible aura around him, and it made me wonder whether he was truly human. His body seemed so weak, yet I knew that he was immensely powerful.

As I moved towards him, Akaoh raised his head and looked at me with his two glittering ruby eyes. His face was still deeply wrinkled and deathly pale, the face of a wizened old man, but his gaze remained sharp and penetrating. Looking into his eyes, I tried to look regal and gracious as I bowed before him, though in truth my mind was full of fear.

“Coming back to me, young princess?” he murmured.

I could not say a word; his voice paralysed me. It sounded like it was coming from within a deep ocean gulf rather than from his shrivelled mouth.

“I shall answer your questions but remember that only a correct question will give you a correct answer.” he continued, using the same lifeless tone.

“There was an awful battle…”

“You know the past, and so do I. What you seek is knowledge of your future.”

“Should I reprimand Netis?” I asked bluntly.

“You lost two women whom you cherished deeply, but it was their destiny to die that day. You cannot go against fate. Everything has already been written. Reprimanding Netis will not bring your friends back…”

“I understand…” I murmured, bewitched by his words.

“Yet, you will reprimand him. This is your fate.”

“But you just said that it would be useless to do so?”

“You are twisting my words, young one. Listen carefully. Reprimanding him will not bring your friends back, but you will do it anyway. Misfortune has rained down on you ever since you met with him. Everything is in desolation because he cannot control his emotions, and only your words can change his behaviour.”

I was compelled by his words, unable to focus on anything else.

“Blaming Netis will not bring your friends back, but it is the path you must follow to break the curse of Hagalaz.”

I opened my eyes wide. Break the curse? Could it be possible? I must have misunderstood him. Surely the simple act of me blaming Netis for his actions could not break a curse as old as time?

“You must tell him how you feel. No need to raise your voice and use harsh words. Fate is all you need by your side,” Akaoh continued.

Overwhelmed and confused, I nodded mutely, hoping that he might elaborate further, but Akaoh simply gave me a piercing look before dropping his head, breaking our connection. I waited for a moment, but he did not move, and I realised that our conversation was over. Making the traditional Hagal gesture of farewell, I walked backwards out of the throne room, before turning and walking away from the palace, contemplating his strange but sensible words.

There had been no need for him to advise me against raising my voice; regardless of how angry I was with Netis, I did not want my words to cause him pain. Besides, I knew that speaking softly to him was always more effective. But I was still confused by Akaoh’s words regarding the curse. I had a hard time believing that a simple talk between myself and Netis could break the curse, and I was certain that I had misunderstood. Yet I trusted his wisdom. Talking with Netis might not instantly break the curse, but there was a possibility that it would bring us one step closer to peace. It was terrifying, thinking that I was the one responsible for restoring some semblance of tranquillity to the kingdom, but regardless of how nervous I felt, I knew that confronting Netis was the right thing to do. I just had to summon up the courage to do it.