CHAPTER XV - THE BEGINNING OF THE END

 

 

 

Slowly walking towards Netis’ palace, I tried to rationalise everything that had happened over the past few days. I was still wracked with grief, and I knew it would be difficult to calmly confront Netis when I still blamed him for the deaths of Nalhya and Lilhya. Knowing that I had lost my friends because of him was a hard pill to swallow; no one should have died that day, especially not because of something so pathetic as Netis’ own childish desire to win against Maheliah. I refused to understand how Netis could be so at ease with sacrificing people for the sake of having me by his side.

Calming my breathing, I tried to push my feelings of hatred and betrayal aside. Once I was there, with him, looking into his eyes, I knew that my fury would subside, but I wanted to ensure that I was in control of my emotions before I entered the palace. I did not want to accidentally lash out before I reached Netis.

As I approached the gate, I saw that the two guards were staring at me, their expressions less than welcoming. I knew that they probably held me responsible for all the death and violence that had befallen them a few days previously, and I could not blame them. Had I never existed, Maheliah and Netis would never have had reason to argue in the first place. But it was not my fault that they had chosen to fight over me, and I needed the guards to understand that all I wanted was to end this pointless war and finally restore peace to Hagalaz.

As I took another step closer to the gate, the guards pointed their spears at me in a quick and harsh motion.

“Don’t come any closer, princess. Do you honestly believe yourself welcome here after what happened?”

“Because of you, our friends are dead.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” I assured them calmly. “Mine are dead too—”

“Yours?” the first guard interrupted. “How could you have any friends? You’ve been nothing but trouble ever since you were born, even before you came to Hagalaz. Our king and queen have been arguing for the past twenty years, and we have had no choice but to live separately from our friends and families. We have been forced to fight against the people that we love, all because of you. How could anyone be heartless enough to befriend you?”

“But I was given no choice; I’m just as much a pawn in this ridiculous game as you are. I was left to grow up on a planet where I did not belong, feeling different and misunderstood for as long as I can remember, and when I had finally made peace with my lot in life, someone from another world appeared in my life, told me I was a princess, and insisted that I had no choice but to leave my old life behind. How can you possibly believe that I ever wanted any of that?”

I choked down a sob. Their words had hurt me even more that I had expected, and they were proud of themselves.

“Oh look, our poor dear princess is crying because of us,” the first guard sneered.

“I can see now how she succeeded in bewitching poor Angel. His life had been tied to hers for so long; by playing the victim, she only made the poor boy feel more protective over her.”

I raised my head up and looked at them, disconcerted. What did they mean his life was tied to mine?

“Angel is one thing, but I can’t believe our great king has fallen for her. I wonder what good he sees in her.”

“Screwing her every day had clearly brainwashed him. Makes me wonder what she’s hiding behind that innocent face…”

Giving each other a sly look, they turned and began to walk towards me, brandishing their spears and glaring at me with hatred.

“I would be very careful if I were you…” came a deep, powerful voice from behind them.

The guards instantly turned as Netis appeared from the darkness of the doorway, his eyes glinting dangerously.

“Unless, of course, you wish to face the same fate as the last person who harmed her…”

The guards bent their heads and moved to the side, removing their spears from my vicinity as Netis held out his hand towards me. Looking down at his upturned palm, I crossed my arms and walked inside, making my way up the stairs without saying a word. Netis followed me, respecting my silence.

As we entered his bedroom, Netis went to shut the door behind him, but I stopped him.

“Don’t. I’m only here to speak.”

He immediately released the handle and walked over to me, fixing his gaze on my eyes.

“Why did you attack Maheliah’s palace?” I asked abruptly. “Why, Netis? People are dead because of your pointless battle. How could you sacrifice your own people?”

“It was the only way to have you again…” he answered quietly.

“Have me? I’ve never been yours, Netis. I’m not your slave to command. You should know by now that violence only makes me want to stay away from you. You are a great king, Netis. I don’t understand why you keep making such reckless decisions.”

“I will do whatever it takes to keep you by my side.”

“Then why choose the path of violence? Listen to me, Netis. I know that you have a kind heart. Please, stop this stupid fight with Maheliah. I don’t want anyone else to die…”

“If that idiot had not tried to kill you…” Netis closed his eyes firmly and clenched his fists. “… you would be mine now.”

I looked down with a sigh and gently coaxed at his fists with my fingers, trying to unclench them. After a second or two of resistance, his hands relaxed, his fingers entwining with mine. I raised my head to meet his gaze, finding an unusual mix of sadness and wrath in his eyes.

“No, Netis, even if that man had not tried to kill me, I would not be yours now. Everyone would be dead, and you would have lost everything. You must stop waging war against Maheliah. It will only bring unhappiness to you and your people.”

“Am I truly so despicable that you would rather have everyone sacrificed for you than be by my side?”

I stared at him in shock, my heart beating fast as my anger rose.

“How dare you. Is that really what you think of me? Do you truly believe that I could condone the sacrifice of hundreds of people?”

I felt my voice clamp up and I stopped, trying to hold back my tears. Netis looked at me sorrowfully, taking my hands in his, but I shook them off, moving away from him.

“No, Fada. Of course not,” he murmured. “I just… I just don’t understand why you despise me so much…”

His voice was so full of pain that I could not stop myself from reaching for him, resting my hands gently on his arms.

“I don’t despise you, Netis.”

“Then why don’t you want to be by my side?” he uttered, looking deep into my eyes.

I did not know what to answer. He was right, my choice to stay with Maheliah made no sense. Not only was I constantly having to fight against my desire for Netis, but I was also separated from Angel. I should have wanted to move into Netis’ palace the instant I had met him, yet something had stopped me. For a start, living under the same roof as both Angel and Netis would have made the situation I faced infinitely more complicated, and then there was Maheliah. I could not possibly imagine betraying her by leaving her side. My bond with her was now too strong to be broken.

My silence clearly meant something to Netis, for he gently pulled away from me, his eyes downcast.

“I understand…”

As he pronounced these words, a wave of sadness and pain washed across his face, his eyes sparkling. He turned swiftly, trying to hide his distress, but I had seen enough.

“It’s because I love you!”

I quickly put my hands over my mouth, shocked by my outburst. The words had come unbidden to my lips, but I could not undo them now. It was done. Netis knew how I really felt. My self-control was slipping through my fingers as he turned back to face me, his gaze a mixture of incomprehension, desire, affection and sorrow. Coming towards me, he placed his hand delicately on my cheek. I wanted to say something, to justify what had just happened, but I was paralysed; unable to think. He brought his face closer to mine, and I truly wanted his lips, but I knew that, if I kissed him, I would lose myself for good. Plucking up my courage, I succeeded in turning my face to the right, breaking our connection.

“No, Netis. We can’t do this anymore. I still love Angel; being with you is unfair on him. He doesn’t deserve that…”

Before I could process what was happening, Netis took my chin between his thumb and forefinger, forcing me to look into his eyes, before lowering his face towards mine. I knew then that I had lost, and as he slid his hand around my waist, I lifted my face, closing the gap between us. His lips were soft and gentle, and I lost myself in his embrace, enjoying the feel of his lips on mine after days of us being apart.

As I wrapped my hands around the back of his neck, pulling him closer, I heard a noise coming from the direction of the door. Still kissing Netis, I glanced over to see what it was, but what I saw made me pull away instantly. It was him… Angel. He was standing by the door, watching us, his expression flickering between shock, betrayal, and despair. He looked at me, then at Netis, then back at me, his eyes wide. Opening his mouth, he tried to say something, but he quickly closed his lips together again, clenching his jaw in distress.

My pulse was racing and my heart thumped loudly in my chest. I wanted to apologise; to tell him it had all been a mistake, but I knew that he had already seen past any pretence I could come up with. I looked desperately into his eyes, but Angel tore his face away from my gaze and ran down the stairs, his footsteps leaving a hollow echo behind. Frozen in place, I stared after him, still wrapped in Netis’ arms, not knowing what to do. Eventually, the shock wore off enough for me to turn my face back towards Netis. He looked at me, his guilt and shame mirroring mine, and I shook myself out of my frozen state, leaving his embrace and following Angel down the stairs.

“Looks like our poor Angel has finally opened his eyes,” the guards jeered as I ran from the palace, sprinting through the snow as quickly as I could.

I could not care less for their words. All that mattered in this instant was Angel, and I ran towards our secret place, knowing that I would find him there. As I ran, I tried to clear my mind. Should I tell him the truth about my relationship with Netis? I had to give him some kind of explanation; he needed to know why Netis had kissed me. How would he react though? Would he bear a grudge against me? Would he ever talk to me again? These questions resonated inside my head and I dreaded the answers, knowing that regardless of how he reacted our relationship would never be the same again.

I found Angel sitting on the ground, his elbows resting on his knees and his back against the bench, looking out over the lake. I stopped running and I walked slowly towards him. I was certain that he had heard me coming, but he remained seated, staring resolutely out over the frozen water. His jaw was tense, his breathing fast, and his gaze was a mix of sadness and hatred.

When I was close enough to speak to him comfortably, I stopped walking, waiting for him to say something. My heart was beating fast, and I was terrified that he would simply refuse to talk to me. I hated myself for making him suffer. I wished he would just confront me, but he remained still and silent, forcing us both to endure the oppressive quiet that hung between us. Eventually, I could stand it no longer.

“Angel, please, say something…” I murmured.

He did not answer, so I crouched down next to him, looking at him with sorrow and despair.

“Angel…” I repeated, my voice trembling.

Still no answer. I sat down next to him and wrapped my hands around his arm, laying a kiss on it. I was on the verge of tears.

“Angel, please… answer me…”

With a sigh, Angel stood, leaving my embrace. Still sat on the ground, I stared up at him with tears in my eyes. He sighed again and clenched his fists, looking straight in front of him.

“I’m not angry with you, don’t worry…”

His voice was calm, but a little too controlled for me to be convinced by his words, and as he turned to look back at me, I could see that his gaze was full of emotions. He seemed torn between sadness and compassion, which disturbed me as much as his words had. It scared me, his indifference. Why was he not angry with me? If he had yelled at me, I would have known that he still cared for me, but this response was like an electric shock. He could not be so stoical, not him…

Walking towards me, Angel gave me his hand, and after a moment of hesitancy, I took it, standing to my feet. I could not stop looking into his eyes. I needed him to see my shame and despair; I needed him to see that I knew how greatly I had betrayed him. I was desperate for him to shout at me, to weep… anything to show that his pain matched my own. But his gaze was stoical and understanding.

“You’re the princess, Fada. It is your right… no, your duty, to be beside the king. You should never have fallen for a common slave like me in the first place.”

I looked at him with despondency. His words were like stabs to my heart, and I would have preferred him to physically torture me rather than hearing those words. I was totally confused.

“Angel, what are you talking about? None of this is about what I should or should not do. My feelings for you are real, and I don’t want to stop myself from feeling them. I don’t care about your status. I just want you…”

“I thought you understood, Fada. You’ve been in Hagalaz for nearly a year now. You must know that princesses can’t marry slaves. I could never be with you.”

I tried to contain my sobs.

“Rules have never stopped me before, Angel. I’ll be by your side as long as you want me…”

I looked down, afraid of his answer, but he took my chin between his fingers and forced me to look into his eyes.

“But I can’t break the law, Fada. There will always be a law that stands between us, and I could never ask you to follow it…”

My heart exploded inside my chest. I had been dreading this moment for so long. But he had to know that the law no longer stood against us; that I had already fulfilled the terms it stipulated. He had been raised in the knowledge that not listening to laws would only bring pain and sorrow. He had already suffered under the whim of the law when he had brought me to Maheliah instead of Netis.

I wondered what would have happened if Angel had brought me to Netis when I had first arrived here… would it have ended the war, or would Maheliah have been as obstinate and obsessive as Netis? What about my relationship with Netis? Would I still have had sex with him? Would I still have fallen in love with him? Or would I have remained loyal to Angel? It was strange to think about.

I sighed. It was time to tell Angel the truth.

“What if the law didn’t stand between us?”

“Fada, I could never ask you to do that—”

“But you don’t need to ask me…” I paused, taking a shaky breath. “You don’t need to ask me because… I’ve already fulfilled that law.”

Angel stared at me, his eyes wide.

“What?” he whispered in a broken voice.

I could feel my tears trying to escape, but I blinked them back. Telling him everything was going to break my heart, but I had no choice. He deserved to know the truth.

“I made love to Netis,” I whispered, looking down at the trampled snow.

I felt Angel’s body go rigid, as if frozen, and I looked up to see him staring back at me numbly, his eyes blank and expressionless.

“I did it for you, Angel.”

His eyes widened, and I started talking rapidly, desperate to make him understand.

“I know it doesn’t seem to make much sense, but I promise you it was for you. To save your life, after Netis banished you. When I saw you nearly frozen to death, lying on the ground of that terrible cave, I ran to Netis with no plan whatsoever. All I knew was that I would do whatever it took to save you. We talked; I tried to reason him, but nothing worked. One thing led to another, and I realised that the only way to save you was to make love to him…”

My heart was beating frantically with panic. I needed him to understand that I had made love to Netis only to save him; I needed him to forgive me. But as I looked desperately into his eyes, I could see that he was struggling to accept my story.

“What about that kiss just now? Was that to save me too?”

Adrenaline surged through my veins as my panic rose. I realised there was no point hiding it now. I needed to tell him the truth: all of it. He had heard the hardest part already; I could only hope that the rest would be easier to swallow.

“No… it was just a kiss…” I looked down, unable to meet his gaze. “One among many others. Again and again we kissed and… made love…”

I could not bear to look at him. It was hard enough admitting the truth; seeing his aching heart through his eyes would have tipped me over the edge. I had always known that I was betraying Angel every time I went back to Netis, but to reveal everything to him made me realise the extent of my guilt.

“You made love…”

“I’m so sorry, Angel, I can’t tell you how sorry I am for what I did—”

“I’m not talking about what you did. It’s your words that I’m trying to understand, Fada. You ‘made love’ to him…”

His lifted my chin gently, forcing me to meet his gaze. His sparkling aquamarine eyes were moist with tears; his expression tortured. A single tear rolled down his cheek.

“You love him…”

I froze, shocked by my words as much as his. He was right. I had never spoken about my relationship with Netis this way before, and yet here I was, breaking the heart of my first love by unknowingly revealing my feelings. Betraying Angel with my body was one thing but giving my heart, my soul, to another man… that was something else. The reality of what I had just revealed to him hit me like a bullet, and I broke down in sobs, clinging to him.

“Please, Angel. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I couldn’t… please, forgive me. I love you, Angel… I love you so much. Please, forget it all. I won’t ever speak to Netis again; I’ll do anything you ask, please just… please forgive me…”

He held my arms gently but firmly, pushing me away from him, his eyes cold.

“This behaviour is not worthy of a princess. A future queen should not be begging a common slave like me.”

“Stop, stop saying you’re a slave. You’re not a slave, Angel. You’re the man I love—”

“And yet you made love to another man…”

“I couldn’t help it. Every time I… I couldn’t stop it. I just wanted to talk to him, but… something always pulled me… pulled me towards him. I’m in love with you, Angel. You are the man I love, I just… I couldn’t stop…”

I looked down and waited for Angel to speak, the silence hanging in the air like a dark, brooding storm cloud. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, hoping to see a sign of forgiveness in his face, but his expression was impossible to read. After a heavy sigh, Angel spoke.

“It’s okay, Fada. I understand. Please don’t fear my reaction. I love you, and I always will, no matter what, and I know that you love me too. But that does not change the fact that you are the princess, and with that title comes duties and responsibilities that you must uphold. You must do what is right for your people, Fada. I’m sorry I brought you to Hagalaz; I’m sorry I took you away from your family and your freedom. No one here is free, regardless of their status: laws and hierarchy will always steal our freewill. This may be hard to hear, but you need to know that it is your duty as sovereign to put aside your own happiness for the wellbeing of your people. None of us can escape our rank. I will always be a slave, condemned to serve Netis, and you will always be a royal, who must fulfil her fate by protecting the kingdom and its people, even if that means sacrificing your own happiness. It does not matter how much you love me, because we will never be anything but a sweet fantasy. We both have to accept our reality…”

Tears rolled down my cheeks. As much as it broke my heart to hear him say it, I knew he was right. No one could escape their fate. Angel cupped my face with his hands, looking deep into my eyes. He seemed hopeless, his ocean eyes dull and lifeless.

“I love you…” I sobbed.

“I know… but you love him more.”

Bringing his face closer, he pressed his lips to mine, kissing me passionately, the strength of his kiss telling me all I needed to know. This would be the last time. Pulling him towards me, I kissed him back, desperate to cling onto our past happiness. Eventually, he removed his lips, rubbing his nose softly against mine.

“I love you, Fada. Every moment with you has brought me more happiness that I ever thought I would experience in this life. You brightened my world.”

“Angel…”

I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face into his chest, and I felt his body shaking, his hot tears falling onto my hair. He held me for a moment as we both wept, before trying to pull away again. I grabbed his hands in mine, gazing at him desperately as he looked back at me, his eyes full of pain and sorrow. Bringing my hands to his lips, he laid a kiss on my knuckles, his lips trembling as more tears rolled down his cheeks. I clung to him tightly, but he gently peeled my fingers from his and turned aside, bowing his head as he walked away. I stared after him, hoping he might glance back at me; hoping he might turn and run and hold me in his arms again. But he kept walking, and I was left alone in the cold, watching until he disappeared into the thick, winter fog.