CHAPTER XVI - BAD DECISIONS

 

 

 

I was alone, surrounded by nothing but the coldness of the day. Angel was gone. He hated me now, I was sure of it, and I could not blame him. I had become so cruel, hurting people’s feeling constantly. It was beyond my control, yet it seemed to be the only thing I was capable of these days. I had betrayed the trust of the man I loved; I had caused my two best friends to die; my existence had cost Maheliah and Netis their friendship. I was a monster, inflicting nothing but pain and suffering upon the people I loved. Perhaps I had always been a monster; perhaps coming to Hagalaz had revealed my true self?

I could not stop thinking of Angel. His reaction and the pain in his eyes had made me realise just how much I loved him. I could never forgive myself for being this wicked to him. I knew that, regardless of what I did to try and make it up to him, he would never look at me the same way again. Our happiness had been shattered beyond repair. This place that had once been our safe haven had now witnessed our end.

I fell to the ground in despair, a cry of pure heartache breaking free, piercing the still winter air. I imagined Angel walking through the corridors of Netis’ palace, passing by me with a hateful look, or ignoring me completely. It was unbearable, knowing that I had lost him forever.

I stayed on the ground for a long time, lost in my sorrow and pain, shivering as the darkness drew nearer. It was tempting to remain; to let the evening storm end my suffering. But I knew that I had caused enough pain for one day, so I wiped at my tears and pulled myself to my feet, letting my body trudge slowly back to Maheliah’s palace. I wondered how Maheliah would react when she realised that I would not be meeting up with Angel anymore. She would ask me about it, certainly, but what could I say? I could not tell her that Angel was no longer in love with me because she would ask for more details, and I knew that I was not a good enough liar to create an excuse that she would believe. Should I tell her about what had been going on between myself and Netis? No, I was not courageous enough… and yet… it was the only thing I could do. I had lied to Maheliah, and Angel, and myself for far too long. It was time to admit the truth.

I had spent so long trying to convince myself that Netis did not matter to me, and even when I had admitted my feelings for him, I had still always insisted to myself that I loved Angel more. But now Angel was gone, I realised that I had been lying to myself. My life without Angel would be empty, but a life without Netis was something I simply could not imagine. I needed him, more than I could fathom. It was terrifying to admit to myself, but I could not hide any longer. I was done with the lies.

Taking a deep breath, I walked past the guardians and into Maheliah’s palace, intent on telling her the truth about my relationship with Netis. Maheliah was sitting on her throne, leafing through a manuscript, but she looked up as I entered, her expression shifting to one of concern as she saw the tightness in my face and the streaks of salt on my cheeks.

“Have you been crying, my dear?” she asked gently, as she came towards me.

I smiled at her, but I could see from her face that she understood my pain.

“There’s something I must tell you, Maheliah, but I would prefer it if we could talk somewhere more private.”

“Of course,” she replied, gesturing up the stairs, still looking at me with concern.

We walked up to my bedroom in silence, my heart beating faster as we drew closer.

“Fada, what’s going on?” Maheliah finally asked as we sat down on my bed. “Did you get hurt? Was it Netis again?”

“In a way…” I murmured, my voice trembling. “But not just him…”

“Others too?” she gasped, her eyes wide with horror.

“No, no, not at all.” I took her hands in mine. “Netis is not the only one because I have also made myself suffer.”

“You’re making no sense at all, Fada.”

Taking a deep breath, I looked down at my hands. I was about to tell her everything, and it was terrifying. I hated knowing that my life was about to change forever, and I wished that everything could just stay the same. But I knew that I could not erase the past.

“Do you remember when Netis banished Angel? When he spent the night in the cave and nearly froze to death?”

“Of course I remember. You managed to convince Netis to take him back…”

“I made love to him that day… I made love to Netis. That’s how I got him to take Angel back.”

Maheliah was silent, and after a long pause, I looked up, wondering why she had not said anything yet. She was staring at me, frowning, her emerald eyes full of mixed emotions.

“Why, Fada?”

“It was to save Angel—”

“Oh Fada, I know you’re young and new to love, but surely you must know that, when you love somebody, you don’t make love to someone else.”

“I know, but… I’ve felt this connection to Netis ever since we first met. It’s… I can’t explain it. It’s out of my control. I need to be close to him… I can’t help it.”

“So, this was not a one time thing, I presume?”

“No… it happened again… many times.”

Maheliah looked at me with anger, and I could see in her eyes how ashamed of me she was, which made my own shame even worse.

“Angel has sacrificed himself many times to save you; to protect you. It’s obvious how important you are to him, and how much he cares for you. And this is his reward? Why, Fada? Do you love him? Do you love Netis?”

I stared at her mutely, not knowing what to say.

“Do you love him?” she asked again, stressing every word.

“I… I don’t know. My love for Angel is straightforward; easy. He makes me happy. The way I feel for Netis is different. When I look into his eyes, I feel understood, and his touch makes me feel alive. I am… at peace with him,” I stammered, trembling.

“I can’t believe you fell for him…”

“But I love Angel. My relationship with Netis only started because of that crazy deal to save Angel.”

“Stop lying to yourself, Fada. If this had just been about Angel, you would have never gone back.”

“I can’t help it. When Netis’ hands are on me, I can’t think about anything else. It’s like fire in my veins, but it’s not just physical desire; it’s not just lust. His presence it… it soothes my soul. And when I learned about that ridiculous law it made me realise that, by accepting the deal, Netis was doing me a favour, not the other way around. He knew that I would have no choice but to have sex with him if I wanted to be intimate with Angel, so he agreed to my deal to set me free from that law. After that, I could not think of him as selfish and heartless anymore.”

“But Netis is selfish and heartless, Fada. He only accepted your deal to win yet another battle. He’s always wanted everything, and by pretending to be kind, he has won both your body and your heart. Don’t be foolish, Fada. He’s incapable of loving.”

I knew Maheliah was wrong. I remembered his confession that day before the battle. Those feelings he had described were not false.

“That’s not true. He confessed to having loved before, and from what he said, I’m certain he still loves that woman, whoever she is.”

“What are you talking about? He’s never been in love, believe me. He would have told me. Love has never been of interest to him; he’s always been nothing more than a warrior.”

“You must be wrong, Maheliah. He truly seemed in pain when he was talking about that woman. I know he was telling the truth.”

“Just another swindle to get you into bed with him, I’m sure.”

“But that makes no sense. I was already in bed with him when we had that conversation, it can’t have been a ploy. Maybe he just didn’t tell you? Maybe it happened after you two fought—”

“No! Listen to me, Fada. I’m telling you, Netis has never been in love, though sometimes I wish he would fall in love and lose it. He deserves to suffer; he deserves to feel that pain.”

“How can you wish such cruel fate upon anyone? Nobody deserves that much suffering. It doesn’t matter how cruel you think he is, you shouldn’t wish for your own brother to go through that—”

“Then why did he make me suffer?” Maheliah clenched her fists, looking at me with fury. “Why did he kill the only man I have ever loved? Tell me that, Fada.”

I stared at her in shock, my eyes wide. Netis had killed the man she loved? Why?

“Maheliah, I…”

I stood up to comfort her, but she pushed me away, running from the room in tears, almost colliding with one of the healers who happened to be walking past. Seeing Maheliah’s distress, the healer looked at me with concern and asked if I was okay, but my mind was so confused and clouded that I could barely process what she was saying. All I could do was stare blankly at her in shock. The healer walked over to me and held my arm gently.

“May I ask what happened?”

I blinked at her, trying to recover from my shock.

“Maheliah… Netis… he killed the man she loved…” I stammered.

“How did you get her to talk about it? She hasn’t spoken about him since it happened.”

“We were talking about Netis and she just… it just came out. Do you know when it happened?”

“Not long before she heard your soul calling to her.”

My heart ached for her. She was still grieving for this man, even after twenty years.

“May I give you a piece of advice?” the healer offered.

I nodded.

“You should never mention it again. Losing her lover at the hands of Netis almost destroyed her. Bringing it up again will only open the lid of her grief. She has suffered enough.”

The healer smiled at me sadly and I bowed my head, acknowledging that I understood. She laid her hand gently on my shoulder, her gesture of kindness almost bringing me to tears, before bowing to me and leaving the room. I stared blankly after her, my mind still trying to process everything I had learned. Maheliah had been in love, and she was still grieving that man’s death. I had always believed that she had never experienced anything close to love, but her confession made me realise that there were still many things I did not know about her past.

I understood now why Maheliah could not tolerate my betrayal towards Angel. She had lost the man she loved, of course she could not understand why I had broken the trust of the man I loved for the sake of another, especially when that man was the same person who had killed her true love. I could not believe that Netis had been so cruel. How could he have killed the man that Maheliah loved? Surely there was a reason for his behaviour? He could not be that heartless.

I wondered how Maheliah had managed to carry on with her life after such a terrible event. Had the same thing happened to me, I would have succumbed to my grief; I would have lost my will to live. Yet Maheliah had not only kept going, but she had also maintained her rule over Hagalaz. I had never considered Maheliah to be a strong woman, but now, my perception of her had changed. In my mind, she was no longer simply a loving mother figure who did not care for love or passion, but a resilient and courageous woman, who despite facing more pain than I could ever imagine, had not succumbed to her anger or grief, but had instead continued to rule her kingdom as a kind and generous queen.

More than ever, I wanted to spend time with Maheliah. I wanted to comfort her, to be a shoulder for her to cry on, but I feared that she probably hated me now. It was my fault that she had remembered her lost love; I was certain that I was the last person she wanted to see right now.

Alone in my room, I thought back over the events that had led to this moment. It had all started with Akaoh, convincing me that I should go and confront Netis. Why had he not warned me that all this would happen? If he was so wise, why had he not cautioned me against getting too close to Netis? All of this misery was his fault, why had he let this happen? I thought that he loved Hagalaz; that he wanted the kingdom to be at peace again. Now I wondered how peace would ever be an option.

The sun was just rising, and I had barely slept. I had spent the whole night thinking about everything that had happened the day before, and I was certain of one thing now: I needed to see Akaoh again. I needed him to explain to me why he had let all these terrible things happen, and I also wanted him to tell me about Maheliah and her lost love. He was the only one I could ask such a question; the others in the palace would never tell me anything, and I did not want to ask Netis about it because I feared he would lie to me. Akaoh had no reason to hide the truth. My decision made, I set off for Akaoh’s palace, determined not to linger. The old king was a dangerous being, and I had no intention of listening to his advice anymore. All I needed from him was the truth.

Akaoh was sat on his silver throne as usual, his hand holding his ruby topped cane. Without raising his head, he hissed:

“Many questions for a single answer.”

I stopped walking, stung by his knowledge that I had many questions for him. I looked at him, fascinated, and sat on the ruined stairs by his side.

“I do have many questions for you, but I’m not sure there is only one answer to them.”

“Open your eyes, young princess. One strong answer is often better than a hundred weak ones.”

“But my questions are too different to be connected.”

“Everything is connected in Hagalaz, and you, my dear, are the link.”

“Why don’t you just tell me what you want me to do, then?”

“Ask your questions, and you shall have the answer.”

Tired of his riddles, I tried to force him to talk some sense.

“Maheliah is in pain. She is still grieving the man she lost. Is there anything I can do to help her?”

“This love had its purpose, which has been fulfilled.”

“But she is suffering…”

“Ask me your questions and you shall have my answer.”

“Fine. I don’t understand why you told me to go and speak to Netis. He kissed me, and Angel saw it, which pained him terribly.”

“It is written: Angel must suffer.”

His words were unbearable. How could he say such a thing? Angel was by far the kindest and sweetest person I had ever met; he deserved happiness, not heartache. Knowing that his fate was to suffer was impossible to accept.

“You do not like my words, but that is his fate. You cannot change the future,” Akaoh continued, his tone indifferent.

“But why must Angel suffer?”

“His suffering shall be the spark that lights the flames. His pain shall bring happiness to the kingdom.”

I stared at him in horror. I truly wanted Hagalaz to be at peace again, but I refused to believe that Angel’s pain was the only way to restore that peace. There was certainly a better solution. Akaoh seemed to think that I was the link between everything. Surely I was the one who was supposed to suffer, not Angel?

“Ask your last question, and I shall give you the answer.”

How could he know that I only had one question left? He was truly the most mysterious being I had ever met. I wondered whether I even needed to ask the question out loud; he seemed to know the answer already.

“My relationship with Netis has brought nothing but sorrow and loss to the kingdom. I cannot help but think that I should stay away from him…”

Akaoh’s head was still facing down, but I saw a smile slowly growing on his face. It terrified me, not only because I had never seen him smile, but also because it seemed full of cruel intentions. I looked at him, confused.

“This is indeed a rather torturing thought…” he murmured darkly.

Now I was truly afraid; everything about this situation felt wrong, and all I wanted to do was run. I tried to turn and flee from the throne room, but my feet were stuck to the ground, so I attempted to grab my legs with my arms, assuming that there was something on the floor that was stopping me from moving. But I quickly realised that my arms were just as trapped. My whole body was paralysed by an unknown force.

“You shall remain close to him, princess,” Akaoh insisted.

Raising his head, he looked deep into my eyes, and his gaze shot through me like a laser. I could no longer look away.

“You shall remain close enough to hurt him,” he continued in the same toneless voice. “He has harmed his own people; he has brought misery to Maheliah, Angel and yourself. He has corrupted and dishonoured you. His pride and vanity have caused the downfall of Hagalaz. You shall be his end.”

His voice had never been so deep and strong, and hypnotised by his gaze, I felt Akaoh’s every word reverberating through my skull. I had never felt so powerless.

“You shall hate him for everything that he has done to you, your loved ones and Hagalaz. You will make him pay; you will make him suffer so much that he shall beg for death before the end. It is your destiny.”

His words sounded like more than just a prophecy, and I felt a wave of panic surge through my motionless body. His words kept on echoing inside my head, and with them came another strange sensation. I was not myself anymore. Someone else was inside my mind, and I could feel my soul being compacted; shoved into the tiniest space as another fought it to take its place. I pushed the intruder back, desperate to regain control. I would not let Akaoh use my body as a tool to harm Netis. Mustering all my strength, I shoved at the presence in my mind, and for a few seconds, my soul took back control.

“Stop this, Akaoh! You can’t win, I won’t harm Netis,” I cried out, pushing the words from my mouth, trying desperately to cling on to my own body.

Akaoh opened his eyes wide, and I was instantly thrown to the ground by an invisible force. I tried to stand up, but every inch of my body was being pushed down. The pain was unbearable; it felt like my bones were being crushed by gravity, and I could not help but scream in agony.

“Not you, princess. She shall do it. Let her command you, and your pain shall fade away. Her destiny shall soon be fulfilled.”

I had no idea what Akaoh was talking about, but I knew that I had to keep fighting against whatever presence had entered my body. I could not let it win; I could not let someone use my body to harm the man I loved. Desperately, I tried to hang on, pushing back against the other presence, but the pain in my body and my mind was too intense and I could not bear it any longer. Slowly, I felt my strength waning, and as the last shreds of my soul were pushed aside, I felt my body soar up into the air, before falling back to the ground again.

I felt trapped, like a tiny mouse in the corner of a lion’s cage. I was still inside my body, but it was not my own anymore. Terrified, I felt myself stand up from the ground and turn to face Akaoh. My lips parted, and a burning sensation seared my throat as a voice that was not my own emerged from my mouth.

“Thank you for trusting me, Akaoh. Netis shall die.”

Horrified, I felt myself walk swiftly out of the throne room and back through the slate covered main hall. Voices kept resonating inside my head, but the soul that had possessed my body did not seem bothered by them, walking promptly away from the ruins towards Netis’ palace. Waves of hatred coursed through my veins, and all I could feel was the soul’s wrath. It desired only one thing: for Netis to suffer.