Two days had passed since Jonathan almost proposed. During those forty-eight hours, Katie’s feelings had run a gamut of emotions. At times she felt as elated and buoyant as a new day. Other times she felt sure her life had come full circle and she was in a mighty dark place, indeed.
Had Jonathan’s offer really been a proposal? Or had it been merely an offer to form an agreement of some sorts, in order to keep things the same? Jonathan didn’t seem to make any spur of the moment decisions. Katie doubted he offered marriage without careful consideration of what it would mean to his future.
What would it mean for her future? She was capable of taking care of Mary and Hannah. She could cook and sew, and Jonathan had thought she was companionable. Once again, she remembered watching him just weeks after Sarah’s funeral and wishing she could do something—anything—to bring him comfort. She’d felt so sorry for him. So sorry for his loss.
Back then, when she closed her eyes after her evening’s prayers, she’d think about Jonathan. She’d wonder if Rebekeh had been right, that Jonathan would never wish to marry again. But then, she’d also dare to dream that maybe he would. That maybe he would one day look at her differently. With wonder and yearning. Of course time spent getting to know Jonathan had changed some things. Now she no longer thought of him as just a man who needed help and a partner. She no longer just hoped for his attention. She no longer imagined him without flaws, and therefore above her reach.
Instead, she knew him for everything he was, both good and bad. Jonathan kept to himself, while she reached out for people. He still had many feelings for Sarah, while she only had feelings for him.
And, of course, he only saw the best parts of her. He never guessed of the many mistakes she’d made over the years.
If she continued to try to be perfect, she would win him, and win the life she’d always wanted. But then, of course, it would come with a mighty heavy price.
It was all terribly confusing. All she knew was that the thought of what she might be settling for brought tears to her eyes. Though Katie had never been especially close to Rebekeh, her older sister had always been far too practical to pay any mind to dreamy Katie, she tried to recall Rebekeh’s feelings about love and marriage.
But all she could remember was inevitability. Rebekeh had always known she’d marry as soon as she could. Her lovely, practical sister had been courted, engaged, and finally prepared for the wedding with the businesslike manner of a banker. She’d never given a single sign of ever having second thoughts or of looking back and feeling regret.
As far as Katie could tell, Rebekeh was still living that same way. Marriage agreed with her. Duty and faith and family sustained her. To Katie’s knowledge, her older sister had never thought about any other path for herself.
Maybe that’s where Katie had gone wrong. She was too dreamy and had her head in the clouds too much. Her people wanted structure and predictability in their lives. They wanted faith and function and steadfastness.
Yes, Rebekeh would say Katie thought too much. Heaven knows, her mother had said that time and again. Always her father was more direct. “You are not in charge, Katie,” he liked to say. “God is, and it is His will you should be following. Trust Him, and all will be well.”
Katie, indeed, did trust the Lord’s presence in her life. Trusted His hand in all things. But she also felt He was probably too busy with life and death situations to worry about her mixed-up feelings concerning Jonathan Lundy.
Now, though, Katie would give anything for time to rethink the last two days. Though Jonathan hadn’t pressed her for an answer, Katie felt the burden of waiting just as strongly as if he was over her shoulder and watching her every move.
With Christmas just one week away, she kept herself busy with Mary and Hannah and did her best not to think about what could be or what might never be at all. Two days after the girls got out of school for break, Katie bundled them up and took them in the buggy to her parents’ home.
Funny how it no longer seemed like it was her place. Instead, it was her parents’ now. Yet, when she walked in the kitchen and smelled the wonderful scents of almond and vanilla and the sharp tang of peppermint, and oranges, Katie knew she was once again in her family’s tender care. Nothing smelled like her mother’s kitchen in December.
Anna greeted her with a floury smile. “Gude mariye,” she said cheerily. “Good morning.”
Hannah giggled at the awkward pronunciation, but for once, Mary wasn’t a picture of disproval. No, her lips twitched, too, finally bursting into an encouraging smile. “You learning more Deutsche, Anna?”
“I am. Well, I am, slowly. I want to surprise Henry tonight and only speak in Pennsylvania Dutch. What do you think?” Again, the words were awkward sounding and slow.
Little Hannah wrinkled her nose. “I think he will be eager for you to speak in your own English.”
Katie would have laughed more if her friend’s expression didn’t look so crestfallen. “You are certainly sounding much more like us, that is for sure. I, for one, am sorely impressed.”
“Jah? But what will Henry say?”
Katie knew she’d do her best to find Henry before she left and remind him to compliment Anna, no matter what she sounded like. “We won’t worry about what Henry says,” she said confidently. “I have a feeling he will tell you soon enough.”
Katie spied Anna looking longingly at her mother. “I hope he won’t be disappointed. I so want to be a good Amish fraa.”
Her mother reached out and hugged Anna with a chuckle. “Oh, Anna, what did we ever do without you? You make me smile so much. Dear, don’t you understand? Henry wants you, not an ideal woman. And, well, even we Amish women have our faults.”
With a wink in Mary’s direction, her mother added, “We Amish are not perfect, though sometimes we’d like to think so.”
Looking pleased to be included in such a grown-up conversation, Mary lifted her little chin. “We can only do our best,” she said solemnly.
“I supposed you’re right,” Anna replied. As if to give evidence to that, one fierce blond curl escaped from her kapp. Hastily, Anna tried to secure it but instead caused two other curls to break free and sprinkle flour over her cheeks and forehead in the process. “I don’t want to be perfect. But I do want Henry to feel proud of me.”
“He already does, child. We all do.”
For the first time, Katie realized she didn’t feel a bit of jealousy about Anna’s courtship. Instead, she found herself agreeing wholeheartedly with her mother. “Henry’s said more than once that he’s amazed at the amount of information you’ve learned. Our way of doing things can be quite daunting. I, for one, know you will make a fine Amish wife.” She’d chosen her words carefully, wanting Anna to be reassured.
“Thanks for saying that,” Anna said softly and with a grateful expression. “It means a lot.”
“We came to make cookies,” Hannah proclaimed importantly. “Can we help?”
Mamm nodded. “Yes, indeed.” Wiping her hands on a towel, she said, “If you’ve a mind to work in the kitchen, you’ve most certainly come to the right place. Grab an apron, wash your hands, and I’ll put you to work. We need to make cookies for us, our friends, and for our guests here.”
“We give little cookie boxes to our guests when they stay here during the holidays,” Katie explained to the girls. “It’s a popular tradition.”
Again, Mary seemed to enjoy the grown-up job. “Something I make might go to a guest?”
“Yes, indeed,” Katie replied. “It is a very important task, this cookie making is.”
With ease of one who knew exactly what to do with little girls, her mother gave both girls jobs. Hannah’s was to crush pecans with a rolling pin. Mary was put to work rolling out another batch of dough and cutting out stars.
Katie and Anna worked on thumbprint cookies and peanut butter squares, while Mamm supervised them all with the ease of many years’ experience.
All the while, Katie was caught up on the latest happenings with the guests. It seemed the inn had been even busier than usual, with most guest rooms constantly filled. And, to everyone’s pleasure, many of the guests were repeat ones. They greeted the Brennemans like old friends, which, of course, they were.
Katie enjoyed hearing who had gotten married, had more children, or had other special news to share.
“You’re going to have a lot of cookies to box and eat,” Hannah said much later, after Katie’s mother took yet another batch of cookies from the oven and set it on a rack to cool. “More cookies than even all your busy guests could ever eat, I think.” Still staring at the rows and rows of tantalizing baked goods with wide eyes, she said worriedly, “I don’t think everyone at the inn will be able to eat so many.”
Katie grinned. Indeed, cookies of all types decorated every counter both in the kitchen and on the makeshift card table they’d set up in the hearth room. Soon it would be time to begin boxing up the treats or there would be hardly any room to walk around, much less prepare the evening meal.
“You’d be surprised,” Mamm replied. “Many a couple come just to be a part of our Christmas traditions. They know we put our best into those cookie boxes.”
Katie laughed. “Girls, one year, we had a couple who only came for dinner and a cookie box. They didn’t even stay the night!”
“I would never do that,” Hannah exclaimed. “Well, I don’t think I would.”
By now, Katie knew what Hannah was hoping for. “We might need to help out the guests and take some cookies home for us, Hannah.”
“We can do that?”
“Oh, I hope you will,” her Mamm said merrily.
“These cookies are wunderbaar.” Hannah sidled up to Katie and exuberantly gave her a hug. Touched, Katie hugged her back.
“Maam made cookies sometimes, but not like this,” Mary said thoughtfully. “And Winnie isn’t too good in the kitchen.”
“Oh, I almost forgot to ask you about Winnie. How is her visit going? Has she written you any more letters?” Anna asked.
Katie shook her head slightly, giving her mother and friend a silent warning. Aloud, she said differently. “I think she is glad to have gotten to spend so much time with Malcolm and his family. She is learning a lot about them, I think.”
Just as she was learning a lot about Jonathan and his girls.
Though she hadn’t realized it before, now Katie recognized that both she and Winnie had been working on fulfilling the same girlish dreams. And, just so, they’d each realized that their dreams were only that—dreams. Paper-thin replicas of what living was really like.
Anna stretched, breaking the momentary silence. “Mary and Hannah, I don’t know about you, but I am more than ready to get out of this kitchen. What do you two say we take a break for a bit?”
Hannah’s full cheeks puffed out as she peeked into the dining room. “What should we do? Do you have more chores to do?”
“Oh, there are many chores we could do, but I have something much better in mind.”
After exchanging a look with Mary, Hannah said, “What?”
“Go check on Katie’s puppy, Roman, of course,” Anna said. “He’s out in the barn keeping Henry company.”
Her mother rolled her eyes. “More likely causing mischief. He chewed up one of my shoes last week.”
Katie grinned. “He would probably love to play ball with some little girls. Would you like to do that?”
The girls needed no more encouragement than that. Hastily they tore off their aprons and ran to the door. After Anna helped them into their black cloaks, they scampered outside. In a flash they were racing each other down the familiar path.
Katie leaned against the counter as she watched the girls through the window. Then she turned to her mother. “I’d say we have quite a task before us. We have cookies to box and dishes to wash. What would you like me to do?”
Her mother surprised her by taking a chair instead. “Neither. I’m more interested in sitting for a spell. So tell me, Totchter, are you ready to come back home?”
Katie didn’t know the answer to that. “Why do you ask?” she hedged.
“There’s something a little different about you today. I see an anxious look in your eyes that wasn’t there before. Did you and Jonathan argue?”
“No, not exactly. Mamm…Jonathan Lundy wants to court me.”
Her mother blinked. “Are you sure?”
“I am. He…he more or less asked me to be his wife.”
“Well, that is wonderful-gut!” Just as she was leaning forward to hug Katie, her mother paused. “More or less? That doesna make much sense. And, I must say, neither does your disposition. I would’ve thought such news would make you happy, Katie.”
“I would’ve thought so, too.” Nothing was making sense. Not Jonathan’s transformation into a reluctant beau, not Winnie’s dissatisfaction with Malcolm and his family.
“What is wrong? I thought you had a special place in your heart for Jonathan.”
“I did.”
“Have you now decided he isn’t what you want, after all?”
“No, he is still who I want. I think so, that is.” Briefly Katie told her mother about their walk in the woods, and how they’d shared the hot chocolate. That story flowed into others. Before she knew it, Katie was relaying stories about making Jonathan dinner, and how she’d claimed the sitzschtupp and was teaching the girls to quilt.
She told her mother about how it had felt to work with Jonathan to prepare for the church services. How Jonathan seemed to be impressed with her industriousness. How she’d spied him staring at her more than once, and how sometimes, in the midst of things, they’d meet each other’s gaze and share a smile. Actually, there had been many times that were memorable.
When she was done, her mother crossed her hands over her chest and beamed. “These stories you shared tell me everything I need to know. I’m happy for you, Katie.”
But Katie couldn’t let her mother think everything was fine. There was a darkness looming over her. Katie was sure things couldn’t stay this way. Something was going to happen. Her past was going to be discovered and Jonathan wouldn’t want her anymore. “Jah, I’ve had some special times with Jonathan, that is true.”
“So why do you hesitate?”
“He didn’t tell me he loved me. I’m afraid he doesn’t really know me, Maam. I’m afraid he thinks I’m better than I am.”
Instead of looking shocked her mother merely nodded. “Ah. You are thinking about your actions during your rumspringa?”
She couldn’t lie. “I am.”
“I thought you’d worked those things out.”
“I had thought I had, too, but maybe not. I made mistakes, Maam.”
“I know.”
“And…I thought just being with Jonathan was enough. But now I realize that I want his love, too.”
“I’ve seen him gaze at you when he thought no one was looking. There’s feelings there, I think.”
Still ignoring the many bowls and measuring cups, her mother stood up and put the kettle on. As Katie watched her efficiently make two cups of tea, she marveled at her mother’s self-assured manner. Was she ever going to become so confident?
Returning to the table, her mother set the two cups down. “Marriage to Jonathan is something that you’ve always wanted. Love is, too. In my heart I think you may find both with him. Give it time, Katie. In time you and Jonathan will find your way.” With a tender smile, she said, “Katie, you know, I just realized that you never told me what you said.”
“I told him I needed some time to think.”
Chuckling, her mother reached out and gave her a hug. “I do believe you have finally learned some patience, Daughter. Praise be to God.”
Katie swallowed hard. That, actually, was true. Maybe she had grown up more than she’d realized.