Hey, Hope?
It’s Mari on the phone.
Wanna come over,
go swimming?
It’s the day after the picnic
and nothing
got me last night
when I crawled into bed
and slid beneath the covers.
You know it,
I say.
I change into my suit.
It’s getting small on me.
Growing bosoms,
at last.
Momma says
becoming a woman
is taking longer for
me than Lizzie.
Man, is she
right.
Lizzie
looks way older,
more than a year older
than me.
She’s bigger breasted,
smaller waisted,
more grown-up.
Now I slip shorts
over my bathing suit
and go into the
room I shared with
Liz.
It’s so lonely here
without her.
I walk
into my room
only to go to sleep.
At night it’s harder to
see the empty bed
but easier to sleep
without
the crying.
Before,
not even that long ago,
I got ready
to go somewhere
with Mari.
Liz watched me,
then said,
Where you going?
Where you going, Hope?
To Mari’s,
I said.
Stay this time,
she said.
Stay with me.
What? Uh-uh.
Go visit a friend of your own,
I told her,
brushing my hair.
Go hang out with
Amanda or Cheri.
them anymore.
Liz looked away
like she was embarrassed.
You fighting?
Nope,
she said.
And kept looking away
out the window away
away from my eyes away.
We’re still
friends.
I’m just not
doing so much
with anyone
anymore.
A deep breath.
Besides, Momma doesn’t
want me to go so much.
She wants me here,
Not off.
When’d she start
to care if you’re here?
I said.
Lizzie let out
a sigh
big as our room.
I guess it’s me, too.
I don’t feel like going.
Don’t feel like going?
I said.
That’s weird, girl.
You go on,
Liz said
after a moment.
You go, Hope.
I’ll stay.
So I left.
Went off with Mari.
Liz at home, watching me
leave.
Sometimes
I would go
for a whole weekend.
Liz, she would
stare after me,
follow
out onto the porch,
and
watch me pull
my bike
from the falling-down
garage.
She
would watch me pedal
down the street
away from
her.
Waving good-bye
like she didn’t quite mean it
like she needed Amanda
like I needed Mari.
I’d look back
and there
she’d be
just a dot on the porch,
still standing
there.
Alone.
This memory
is like bricks on me now.
Heavy as a wall.
My sister standing there
alone.