Track [25] “Make It Right”/BTS
Hospitals are places that force you to embrace change. The kind of change you don’t want or need. The kind you can’t escape. A couple years ago, that change was speech problems after my fall. But before that, the change was my mother dying.
I remember the hospital more than I remember her: the drinking fountain, the purple bands on the walls, the tiny Christmas tree on the nurse’s station. Anchors that helped to weigh me down during the emotional storm of trauma.
After it was over, we retreated to our places in the staff quarters of Mad Dog’s house in Bel Air. Dad went back to work, and I was shuffled off to Velvet’s nanny. That’s when the long, hard work began. The hard work lasted for years. Sometimes I think it’s still happening.
Maybe it never ends.
I sat in the half-empty Condor Medical Center lobby with Velvet in the wee hours of the morning, waiting to find out if Serj Sarafian was going to live. No purple bands on the wall at this hospital, but I was sure Fen had found his own anchors while he sat with his family and waited for news. They had their own private family lounge, which wasn’t far from us. I just didn’t have the courage to go in there and check on Fen.
Not with Eddie around. I couldn’t face him right now. Or maybe ever. Every decision I’d made over the last few weeks had ballooned inside my head, and I…
Wished that life weren’t so messy right now.
My phone buzzed with a text from my dad. He knew I was here with Velvet and was letting me know that Mad Dog and Rosa were up now, and that they’d be on their way soon. The hospital was only a half hour from the lake. I wished they wouldn’t come. It made me feel like it was sealing the deal on Serj’s life. If Mad Dog stayed at the lake, then Serj’s condition was no big deal; if he drove out here, then things weren’t looking good.
“Any update?” Velvet said, groggy and hoarse as she huddled inside a coat on the waiting room chair.
“No,” I told her. “That was just my dad. He’s bringing your parents.”
“Shit,” she murmured. “Do I look trashed?”
Definitely. She looked awful. But I just said, “They’re still an hour away, at least. I’m sure he’ll be more concerned with Serj.”
She whimpered and curled up inside the coat. “What time is it?”
“Five thirty. Crap, Frida.”
“Exie will feed her.”
“She’s at Fen’s place,” I murmured, wishing I had his aunt Zabel’s phone number. She could unlock Fen’s apartment if needed. Or maybe I should just make a quick trip out to Zabel’s now, take Frida back to Mad Dog’s while we were still waiting.
“Wow. Fen?” Velvet said. “No comment.”
“No comment needed,” I retorted. “I seem to remember rescuing some people from bar mascots, so… you know.”
“I don’t how many times I can apologize.”
“So far that would be zero.”
Velvet chuckled huskily. “Oops. Very sorry. No, no—I mean that. I truly am sorry. Sitting here is sobering in every sense of the word. I don’t want to end up like Eddie. Or Fen—what if Daddy kicked me out of the house like that?”
I watched her for a moment. “He wouldn’t.”
She gave me a soft smile. “I think you might be right. Daddy is gooey in the center. Serj is stone. That’s probably why his heart burst.” She stared at the ceiling, thinking about this for a moment, then said, “Can you get me something cold to drink? I need a soda or water or something. Didn’t we pass a café down one of these corridors?”
Right. I was still her assistant.
She made a face at me. “I didn’t mean it that way. It’s not a command.”
“No worries. I got you.”
After peeling myself off the chair, I left Velvet in the waiting room, ambling past blank faces staring at their phone screens. This was an enormous hospital, funded by rich donors who lived around the lake. Signs pointed to surgical wings, elevators, and a snack bar. But when I passed the corridor where the Sarafians were holed up inside their private lounge, I saw a dark figure emerging from the door there. Tall, slender, male. He was heading through a set of glass doors that led outside—into a small meditation garden that sat between two buildings. Fen?
Maybe he needed time alone, I wasn’t sure. But I had to find out if he was okay, so I quietly slipped outside, surprised by how cool the predawn air was on my arms. It was nice out here, peaceful. Sculpture and plants, tiny golden lights that lit up the footpath. Two benches. I hesitantly stepped toward the one that was occupied.
“Hey,” I said.
“Honestly surprised to see you here,” the figure said.
I stilled in place. That wasn’t Fen.
Eddie.
How could I have gotten them confused? Panic fired through me, and as I took a step back, Eddie turned his head. The lights from the path shone up on his face. He was haggard—a complete wreck. His suit jacket was gone, and his tie dangled like a noose around his neck.
I had no idea what to say to him. On sheer survival instincts, I tried to conjure up the sweet, smiling boy that I used to know and pasted that image on the body of the boy that slumped on the bench in front of me now. But it didn’t help.
He was still a stranger. One who wasn’t entirely friendly. Maybe it was just in my mind, all the guilt that had been building up over Fen, but it felt as if he were radiating low waves of animosity in my direction.
“Is there… uh, your father?” I said awkwardly, stumbling over words I could quite reach.
“No change,” he said.
“Ah, okay. Well, I’ll just leave you—”
“What? No hug? It’s been a minute.” He held out his arm, beckoning.
Hug? Dear sweet lord. I didn’t know what to do. Was he testing me? I couldn’t tell from his tone, which was strained, yes. But under the circumstances, that wasn’t too surprising. I just couldn’t read him.
Had he not gotten my texts while he was overseas?
I didn’t know.
I damn sure wasn’t going to ask.
So what was I supposed to do then? Try to guess what was going on inside his head?
Pretend to be normal?
No doubt he noticed I was dragging my feet, so I quickly bent down to hug him while he sat on the bench. Mistake of mistakes. I’m talking far more awkward than I could have imagined.
Eddie wrapped me up like he used to, long arms all the way around me. He hugged me so hard, I nearly lost my balance and fell over into him.
“It’s nice of you to be here,” he said in a voice that didn’t sound like him. “You smell really good.”
Oh no. Not good whatsoever. Make this stop.
I gently shrugged out of his embrace and tried to think of something to say—to cover up the awkwardness of it all. “How, uh, are you holding up? This must be overwhelming.”
He blew out a hard breath and shrugged. “I don’t even know. There’s a little boy inside my head walking around in a dark forest. That’s how I feel right now. Lost and alone.”
“That sounds…” Terrible. Awful. My heart hurt for him because I believed that he was being absolutely honest with me. Maybe for the first time since we’d known each other. “I’m really sorry, Eddie.”
He leaned back on the bench. “Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong. Oh, wait.…” His gaze locked on mine. “You mean about you and Fen.”
Shit. He knew!
My legs felt a little wobbly all the sudden.
I wasn’t prepared to talk about this with him. But here we were.
“Eddie—”
“It’s fine,” he said, dark circles rimming bloodshot eyes. “I saw your text messages. They let me have my phone in jail. They were actually really cool about things and nice to me over there. I love the Philippines. Weird, huh?”
I didn’t know how to respond to that, but emotion caught me by surprise. I blinked back welling tears. “Eddie, please believe me. I didn’t plan for Fen. For any of this. When you left for the Philippines, if I had an inkling that we’d end up here—”
“I told you to stay away from him!”
“You didn’t tell me why,” I argued. Upset. A little indignant, too. “You didn’t tell me what happened to your family. Why Fen was kicked out of the house. Your role in that. The drug problems—”
“I’m not some kind of junkie, okay? Jesus. A couple of Americans I knew from online met up with me in Manila. We were just going to party on the island, that’s all. I just got caught.”
“I know about Christmas, too.”
He looked genuinely surprised and mumbled, “That was just a bad night.”
“You didn’t pull me out of the dam,” I said, shaking a little. “You lied. Why, Eddie? Why would you lie about that?”
Eddie said nothing for several moments. A plane streaked across the dark sky, and in the distance, an ambulance siren heralded an incoming patient. When the sound faded, Eddie scrubbed his face with his hand.
“It was fine when no one knew what happened that night but me and Fen. But someone else saw Fen pull you out, and you know how gossip spreads. Next thing you know, my father is up my ass.”
“Why would he care?”
“Papa told me that if Mad Dog found out you fell in the dam because you were upset about… if you fell in because of me, that it would ruin the relationship between Sarafian Events and Mad Dog. Papa said I had to clean up my own mess. So if you thought I’d rescued you and that ever got back to Mad Dog, then it would soften the blow.”
I blinked at him. “You started seeing me because your father was worried about collateral damage with Mad Dog?”
Because he believed I was Mad Dog’s daughter.
“In the beginning,” Eddie said. “But I wouldn’t have kept it going if I didn’t like you. And I did, you know. Like you. That was real.”
“I still like you, Eddie.” Tears slid down my cheek. “Those feelings don’t go away. I thought we were close. I was so excited about our future. I thought we’d be moving in together.”
He snorted. “I think it would be a little crowded with three.”
That stung, but I guess I deserved it. Can’t have it both ways, right?
“You know what?” he said in a faux-positive voice. “It’s fine. Let’s call a truce.”
“How?” A part of me wanted to believe that was possible. Another part knew better.
“Maybe it’s the misery talking,” he said, “but if my father pulls out of this, I just want to focus on being there for him. And my mom, the twins. Maybe even Fen. I think it’s time we put our differences aside and concentrate on family. Getting better.”
“I’m sure Fen would agree,” I said tactfully, though I wasn’t sure that was true.
“You don’t know what kind of fucking pressure I’ve been under. No one understands but Fen, actually. And we’ve been at each other’s throats for so long—over what? Petty shit?”
Uh… okay. Wouldn’t exactly call getting booted out of college petty.
Eddie just gave me a tired, strange smile. “I can’t compete with my own family anymore,” he explained. “Papa always hammers me about being number one… sometimes you just get tired of trying to reach that goal, you know?”
“Not everything is a competition,” I agreed.
Eddie surprised me by putting his hand on mine, stroking my fingers a little too intimately. “Exactly. God, I love that about you. I forgot that you always know exactly the right thing to say.”
That was not true at all. My word-pixie made sure of that.
“If my father makes it out of surgery, I have a lot of work ahead of me to prove myself again. Like, so much. It would be easier for me if Fen were on my side this time instead of being my enemy. Mama would be happier, so she’d be nicer to Papa. He’d be nicer to me. Everything would be better if Fen and I weren’t fighting.…”
For a moment, a mask slipped from his face, and I saw what Fen had been trying to tell me all along about Eddie—Machiavellian, he’d called Eddie. And maybe Eddie was, because he was sitting here, making decisions about his relationship with his brother based on what would bag him the most gain.
I wasn’t sure if that was ruthlessness, though, and maybe that was the difference between how I saw Eddie compared to how Fen did.
Fen saw an evil mastermind.
I saw a boy who needed help and didn’t know how to ask for it.
Someone stuck their head outside the door and called for Eddie. When I squinted into the shadows, I realized it was Ms. Makruhi, the Sarafians’ housekeeper.
Eddie stood up from the bench, eyes wide.
“Eduard,” she said, breathless and excited. “Your papa has woken up. He’s going to make it.”
Oh, thank God. Relief washed through me as I watched Eddie’s face. He just let his head drop slightly, as if he were saying a little prayer, then he nodded at the housekeeper.
“Tell Mama I’m coming back inside,” he said.
The housekeeper disappeared as quickly as she’d shown up, and I was left standing alone with Eddie again. “That’s such good news,” I told him.
He stiffly stuck his hands in his pockets. “I knew he’d be okay. He had to.”
I nodded. There was a different kind of awkwardness between us now. The kind of awkwardness that comes with trying to pretend things are normal in order to navigate small talk. “Uh, Mad Dog is on his way, so he’ll be here soon. I guess I’ll let you get inside to your family now,” I told him, moving a step back to extract myself.
“Thanks.”
“I’m so relieved for you.”
“Are you?” He squinted at me. A challenge.
“Of course I am.”
“Well, I guess there’s one positive thing about all this,” he said. “Now that my father’s okay, I’ll be making amends with Fen. And since the two of you are chilling, I guess we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other, huh?”
“Will we?” I asked, trying to challenge him like he challenged me, but it didn’t come out with the same confidence. I tapped a little nervous rhythm on the side of my leg.
“Sure. You and me?” Eddie said in a dark tone that rumbled somewhere between ominous and threatening. “We’re practically in-laws.”