Pregger Libido

Ember Swift

When our bodies start making another human body, the process is so complex that it’s no wonder we’re exhausted. As this is my second pregnancy, I’m surprised that I’d forgotten this fact. I’m currently six months along and so for the past half a year, I’ve found myself wanting to nod off at 10:00 p.m. or falling asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. Although, this time, I also have a toddler who still wakes me up at night to go “pee pee,” but sleep mercifully returns quickly after that task is done. Sleep has become my most steady companion.

When I was pregnant with my first child—my daughter—I was equally exhausted, but this also permeated my mood, which in turn permeated my libido. I don’t think pregnant women speak often enough with each other about how pregnancy hormones affect libido.

I was shy to admit to my friends (especially those who had had children or who were also pregnant) that I was absolutely not interested in having any kind of marital relations with my husband. There were occasional exceptions to that state of mind, but it’s truthful to say that our intimacy levels dropped substantially during my first pregnancy. This embarrassed me. I feared others would think I was punishing our partnership for what was happening to my body. I was also afraid that I had forgotten how to connect with the person I loved. Thankfully, after the birth of our daughter, things went back to a relative normal.

With baby number one, I also did all my previous prenatal care in China and we were advised early on to avoid sexual relations for health and safety reasons. Chinese doctors are notoriously discreet in this regard and so the rationale was vague at best. In the West, the necessity for abstinence during pregnancy—even during the first trimester—has long been disproved. In fact, having intimate relations with our partners is now encouraged by Western doctors. Both the rocking motion and the hormones generated through pleasure are comforting to the growing fetus.

Regardless of knowing this more modern information from the West, during my daughter’s gestation I was quite happy to adhere to the old-fashioned practices advocated in China. In a conservative country, I opportunistically became conservative myself—an excellent veil for what more accurately was just an absentee libido.

Now, fast-forward to baby number two. I am a fine example of the saying, “every pregnancy is different.” I am not as emotionally exhausted, I’m in a brighter and better mood, and I have a strangely elevated sex drive. More desire, less darkness. I am receiving my prenatal care in Canada and now it is my partner’s turn to opportunistically adhere to more liberal Western practices. In other words, it’s time for him to accommodate the demands of my growing libido!

This is where you are anticipating a happy ending. You might expect to read that my husband and I have been having wonderful, wild sex throughout this second child’s gestation. This piece will have successfully solicited both congratulatory nods and hints of reader envy. Maybe I should quit while I’m ahead….

Alas, truth is my model and so I must confess that ever since my belly has become visible, he’s hesitated, unsure as to whether he wants to have “sex with his son.”

What?! I have been hard on him about this, arguing that my body is still my body, my “needs” are still my “needs,” and his son is never going to remember his father in any compromising position. He still hesitates (but usually complies). Sometimes I truly feel like the stereotypical man in this partnership; it’s the first time I’ve had to convince him to go to bed with me. Geesh.

This mysterious situation never had the opportunity to present itself during my first pregnancy because I simply wasn’t interested. How many other pregnant women have found themselves feeling horny only to be confronted with their “freaked out” partner who is concerned about the connection between the child and sex? Or their fear of hurting the baby or crushing the baby in the act, et cetera? Where is the line between being a woman and being a mother? Does our sex appeal disappear as soon as our bellies swell? These are questions I may never know the answers to. As I mentioned, we pregger ladies aren’t talking about this enough.

As a saving grace, my husband’s hesitation has found a peaceful perch between my elevated exhaustion and elevated libido. When sleep has become my greatest companion, do I even have the energy to convince my partner that he’s missing out? And for myself, when I can’t keep my eyes open in bed, how are my desires going to get fulfilled? I’ve proposed several creative solutions, not to fear, and he’s intrigued by my persistence. I’m too shy to write about them here, however. Wish us luck.

But, as a final commentary, I believe strongly that as our pregnant female bodies change, get larger, get unrecognizable—especially the first time it happens—it’s so important to push ourselves to allow our partners to love us, to touch us, to celebrate our body’s new shape and growth. Often, our addition of a baby bump makes us even more beautiful and sexy to those who love us, even when we don’t believe it.

If, like me in my first pregnancy, our libidos have left through the same door as our entire wardrobe, we women nonetheless have to push ourselves to stay open to letting our bodies be loved. There are lots of options in this regard. Massage, being bathed, or allowing our partners to rub oils or skin cream into the rising globe of our baby bellies enables our loved ones to stay connected to our physical changes, not to mention gives us another (nonsexual) outlet to staying physically connected with them.

This time, I’m doing better at remembering these things and celebrating my body.

But first, I must sleep. At this very second in time, sleep is the sexiest bedmate!