Bonus Material from the Nebraska Series

Ruth Ann Nordin Sues Dave and Mary Larson!

As enjoyable as being a suspect for kidnapping Dave Larson was, I had a lot of fun with this courtroom “drama” which took place on my blog back in 2012.

***

Author to Sue Characters For Pain and Suffering

(Posted on May 26, 2012)

“Ruth Ann Nordin To Sue Dave and Mary Larson”

by Joseph Connealy

In what has to be a first for authors everywhere, Ruth Ann Nordin has decided to sue Dave and Mary Larson for pain and suffering.

“I’ve had to endure Dave Larson’s ridiculous antics for the past year, and his latest stunt over this kidnapping thing was the last straw,” Ruth said. “Not only is it a first for an author to be suing a character, but have you ever heard of a character who is horrible enough to fake their own kidnapping? I mean, come on! This time Dave stooped to a new low.”

Among Ruth’s complaints are time spent away from writing her books so she could write blog posts on Dave’s kidnapping, time spent in jail because Owen Russell wouldn’t let her find proof that Dave was hiding in the loft the entire time, and countless emails from Dave’s fans who demanded she return him at once.

“And why are we using that picture of me?” Ruth demanded. “It’s awful for my image. I urge you to remove it at once!”

Moving on to the other side of the story, Dave and Mary Larson were able to offer a response to the charges against them.

“I don’t see what pain and suffering Ruth’s had to endure,” Mary said. “She was able to get two more books published in May. It wasn’t like we rendered her unable to be productive at all.”

“People say I overreact to things, but Ruth takes the cake on this one,” Dave added. “No one told her to come to our time and ransack my house and barn like a lunatic. That was all her doing, and if you ask me, she needs to see a psychokenestiastialogist or something.”

“He means psychologist,” Mary said.

“Right. I guess.”

As of right now, Judge Rick Johnson has agreed to preside over the case in this courtroom.

Joel Larson has agreed to act as Ruth’s lawyer, and Tom Larson has agreed to act as Dave and Mary’s lawyer. It is rumored that Owen Russell and Sally Johnson are among the witnesses who will give their side of the story. Other witnesses may come forth in the weeks ahead.

The verdict will be decided by the good people reading this blog. So be sure to keep up-to-date on the testimonies as they’re posted.

***

The Trial: Ruth Ann Nordin’s Testimony

Posted on May 31, 2012

*As a disclaimer, I want to say that I’m not striving to be authentic in this trial. I have no interest in the details of how court cases are done, so I haven’t done any research in this area. What I know, I learned from the TV, and I think it’s safe to say that TV isn’t the most reliable method of research. So I plan to use the liberty of fiction while I’m doing these posts.

*~*~*

Bailiff: Court is now in session. The Honorable Rick Johnson is presiding over the case of Ruth Ann Nordin versus Dave and Mary Larson. All please rise.

Everyone in the court: *stands*

Rick: *enters the courtroom and sits down* You may be seated. Bring Ruth on up.

Ruth: *goes to the chair at the front of the room and sits down*

Rick: Hey Ruth, before I forget, thank you for writing my story.

Ruth: You’re welcome. It was fun to write, Rick, especially since I got to know you better. I always wondered what made you fall in love with Sally.

Rick: Well, I think you did a great job.

Ruth: You know, it’s nice to be appreciated by one of my characters for a change.

Tom (Dave and Mary’s lawyer): Objection!

Rick: Why?

Tom: The conversation you and Ruth are having is totally inappropriate for this case. Your book could interfere with the verdict. I suggest we get Judge Townsend to oversee the case instead so we can have a fair hearing.

Rick: I’m not part of the jury, Tom. I’m only here to promote order in the courtroom. *bangs gavel* Your objection is denied. Now, we’ll get this hearing underway. Joel, go ahead and ask your questions.

Joel (Ruth’s lawyer): *walks over to her* Ruth, isn’t it true that you write because you enjoy it?

Ruth: Yep. It sure is.

Joel: And isn’t part of that enjoyment dependent upon whether or not the characters cooperate?

Ruth: It helps a lot if they do. Otherwise, I end up having to stop writing the story for a while, or I end up having to rewrite something.

Joel: That sounds like a pain.

Ruth: It is.

Joel: But it isn’t just a problem when characters give you grief while writing the book. Isn’t it true that you suffer even when they bother you on this blog?

Ruth: That’s the worst kind of suffering, Joel. That is done right out in front of everyone. It’s embarrassing to have others see how much one or two of my characters are against me. It’s like airing out my dirty laundry in public, you know? *sniffles* And I try so hard to please them. I stay up late at night writing their stories, give up TV and movies so I can focus on them, and throw out my outline of the story in order to write it their way.

Tom: Objection!

Rick: What is it now?

Tom: Those are fake tears Ruth is crying.

Ruth: They are not! They’re genuine. It’s why I have a tissue with me.

Rick: Ruth’s allowed to cry, Tom. Objection denied.

Tom: But she’s not serious about this. I mean, look at her clothes.

Joel: Her clothes have nothing to do with this case, Tom.

Rick: I can speak, Joel. Her clothes have nothing to do with this case, Tom.

Tom: Are you kidding me? If she’s serious about this, she’d be wearing one of those dress suits women wear in her time period. As it is, she looks like she’s going to a party after this hearing is over.

Rick: Objection denied, Tom. *bangs gavel* Now quit getting us off topic or I’ll hold you in contempt of court.

Tom: *grumbles but keeps quiet*

Rick: Go on, Joel.

Joel: *snickers at Tom and turns back to Ruth* I see you have your laptop with you.

Ruth: Yes. I always take my laptop wherever I go so I can work on a story when my characters are ready to tell me what to write next.

Joel: It sounds like you’re dedicated to them.

Ruth: I am. I am at their beck and call. I give up everything for them.

Joel: *nods in sympathy* You aren’t appreciated for all you do, especially by Dave and Mary.

Ruth: Don’t I know it! *sniffles* I think they take my work for granted. I mean, if Dave’s not trying to rewrite my books, he’s going around petitioning people to ban my books. And as if that’s not enough, he tries to gather all my other characters against me so I’ll get severe writer’s block and be unable to write.

Joel: And when all of that didn’t work, he created the union.

Ruth: Yes. Then when only a psycho nymph fell for it, Mary got involved and told him to fake his own kidnapping. And out of concern for his well-being, I went to look for him. I wasn’t the way Joseph Connealy made me sound. I wasn’t on a rampage like some kind of lunatic. I asked Mary if I could look for him, and she said yes. I had permission. I didn’t trespass on their property. I’ve been framed by Dave and Mary to look like I was guilty. He was trying to gain sympathy points from everyone, and it worked with Owen Russell, who arrested me and kept me in jail. And honestly, an 1800s jail with no plumbing is very disgusting. I didn’t have a flushing toilet, and I couldn’t wash my hands. When I finally got home, I had to take a shower three times and burned my clothes.

Joel: It sounds like that was a traumatic experience.

Ruth: It was! Really, Joel, what other author has to endure all of this?

Joel: I can’t think of any.

Ruth: Exactly. That’s why I have to sue Dave and Mary. I’m doing this to protect other authors from ever going through this with one of their psychotic characters. *sniffles*

Joel: I believe you’ve endured enough. I have no more questions for the victim.

Tom: *mutters* Don’t you mean the drama queen?

Rick: *clears his throat and shoots Tom a pointed look*

Tom: *rolls his eyes*

Rick: Next time, we’ll let Tom question Ruth.

Stay tuned for Tom’s questions.

Photo credit:

Ruth as she suffers at the hands of her characters: ID 18479787 © Alanpoulson | Dreamstime.com

***

The Trial: Tom Questions Ruth

(Posted on June 5, 2012)

Tom: *approaches Ruth* Nice picture you presented of yourself.

Ruth: I don’t know what you mean.

Tom: Oh puhleeze. Of course, you know what I mean. Last time you had a tissue and wiped your eyes and everything. You did this as a ploy to gain as much sympathy as you could. I saw that bottle of Visine you brought into the court so you could cry on command. Hence, the fake tears. If we were to see the real you in this whole fiasco, it would look like this!

Joel: What is that supposed to be? A joke?

Tom: No, this is not a joke.

Joel: It has to be a joke. The tiara? Really?

Tom: I figure if she’s going to act like a spoiled princess, the tiara fits.

Joel: Objection, your honor!

Rick: Sustained.

Tom: Sustained? You denied all of my objections.

Rick: That’s because you putting a tiara on Ruth and presenting her as a whiny snot is an effort to persuade the jury in their vote.

Tom: And Ruth crying fake tears isn’t?

Rick: You can’t prove the tears were fake.

Tom: But the bottle of Visine–

Rick: It’s conjecture, Tom. No one else saw it. Now continue questioning her but leave her picture out of this.

Tom: *sighs* Fine. Ruth, the truth of the matter is, you habitually don’t listen to the needs of your characters. Case in point, Joel Larson when he didn’t want to get married to April.

Ruth: And you’ll note that you had a hand in that one, Tom. You were more than happy to see Joel married off.

Tom: But there are other examples, and none of them include me. What about the time Isaac Larson married Emily? Dave spent days and days crying–

Dave: I wouldn’t say days and days–

Rick: *bangs gavel* You’ll get your turn, Dave. Wait to speak until then.

Dave: I just want to make it clear that I don’t go around crying. I’m not weak.

Rick: Do I need to remove you from my courtroom for creating a disturbance?

Joel: Your honor, let the record show that Dave Larson makes it a habit of creating trouble wherever he goes.

Tom: Objection, your honor. Joel’s comment has no validity to this case.

Rick: Objection denied. Let’s get back to the questions.

Tom: *rolls eyes* Anyway, Ruth, you make it a habit of not listening to your characters, and there’s a long list. You have Dave Larson when it came to Isaac’s Decision, Claire and Nate in The Earl’s Inconvenient Wife…

*a minute passes*

Ruth: And….?

Tom: I’m thinking, I’m thinking.

Joel: Your honor, I ask that we move Tom along to another question. Ruth has obviously only had three grievances while writing a book, and one of them was Tom’s doing. Considering she’s had 26 romances, I don’t see how three books where she argued with her characters is enough to build an argument on.

Rick: You’ll have to let the jury decide that one. Please move on to the next question, Tom.

Tom: Alright. Let’s see… *rubs the back of his neck*

Dave: *groans*

Mary: *pats Dave’s back to comfort him*

Tom: I know! Ruth, haven’t you time and time again told characters they will get books or that you’ll write their books at a certain time but then drop the book in favor of another one?

Ruth: Well, that’s easy to explain.

Tom: Is it? *crosses arms and narrows his eyes*

Ruth: Sure. Some characters are louder and more demanding than others, and those are the characters I have to write about. I can’t make characters ready for the book. They either are or they aren’t.

Tom: Sounds like you’re avoiding the question.

Ruth: No, I’m not. It’s how writing works. Take Shotgun Groom. I was ready to write it back in 2010, but Joel and April weren’t ready until 2011. If I had written the story before they were ready, it wouldn’t have been the best book possible. Every time I write a book that isn’t ready to be written, I end up having to rewrite it. It’s how the writer’s mind works–or at least, it’s how my mind works.

Tom: I don’t buy it.

Joel: Objection! Whether or not Tom believes Ruth is irrelevant. The jury decides the case, not him.

Rick: Objection sustained.

Tom: What? Why do you always deny my objections, but you’ll sustain Joel’s?

Rick: I don’t believe you have a valid point when you give an objection, Tom.

Tom: I demand another judge.

Rick: Too bad. You’re stuck with me, and it’s not up to you to decide who the judge is.

Tom: That’s right. It’s not. But I know who picked the judge. It was her! *points to Ruth* She makes it a habit of manipulating things to her advantage, and for this case, she picked Rick Johnson whose book she just released. A book, I might add, which features him as the hero. She buttered him up and brought him here.

Joel: Objection!

Tom: Objection denied!

Rick: Objection sustained! Tom, I’m ready to hold you in contempt.

Tom: I have no other questions for Ruth. I believe everyone has proved my point. *returns to his seat and sits down*

Photo credits:

Ruth as the drama queen: ID 19493716 © Scott Griessel | Dreamstime.com

***

Joel Larson Questions Tom Larson

(Posted on June 9, 2012)

Rick: Joel, who is your next witness?

Joel: Tom Larson.

Tom: Me?

Joel: That is your name.

Tom: But I’m a lawyer in this post.

Joel: So?

Tom: So? Lawyers can’t be questioned.

Joel: Says who?

Tom: Logic?

Rick: What is the point in having Tom questioned, Joel?

Joel: Your honor, I believe Tom can attest to how much my client has done for her characters.

Rick: In that case, Tom come on up.

Tom: *sighs but goes to sit at the witness stand* Alright. What do you want to know?

Joel: Is it true that you are happily married?

Tom: What is that picture?

Joel: That’s a picture of you, Tom. Don’t you recognize yourself?

Tom: I do not pick my nose. Your honor, I demand that picture be removed at once!

Rick: Tom has a good point, Joel. You need to remove the picture.

Tom: But he didn’t remove the picture of Ruth when he had her wearing that creepy tiara.

Rick: But that picture wasn’t disgusting. No one wants to see Tom picking his nose.

Joel: Fine. I’ll dig up another one.

Tom: *glances at Rick and mutters* At least you agreed with me on something.

Joel: Now Tom, is it true that you are happily married? And we don’t mean happily married according to what Jessica thinks since she got the raw end of the deal.

Tom: What is THAT picture about?

Joel: You look like this on a regular basis. We can’t be sure what it means, but I suspect these are the moments where you’re trying to think.

Tom: Objection, your honor!

Rick: Objection sustained. Joel, this isn’t the time for giving Tom grief. Save that for another book. Get to the questions.

Joel: Are you happily married, Tom?

Tom: Yes. Jessica is the best wife a man could ever have.

Joel: And who gave you Jessica?

Tom: Ruth.

Joel: So if it wasn’t for Ruth, you wouldn’t be married today.

Tom: If it wasn’t for Ruth, none of us would exist.

Joel: Exactly! We are here because Ruth wrote us down. If she had never taken the time to write her books, then we wouldn’t be here today.

Tom: Well…yeah. That’s right.

Joel: And hasn’t Ruth been good to you? Hasn’t she been good to all of us? We’re all happily married. If she wanted to, she could have killed off one of us or our wives. But she didn’t do that. She’s given us a happy ending. While it’s true that the books are somewhat unrealistic… I mean, we all know I could have outwitted you and Rick when you two came out to force me to marry April… But for the sake of fiction, I played along with it.

Rick: *bangs gavel* Objection, Joel. Stick to the case.

Joel: My point is that even if there are some things that are hard to believe, she wrote it in anyway so we could all be happy. Don’t you think you’re better off having been in one of Ruth’s romance novels because she gave you Jessica to be your wife?

Tom: Well, yeah. I can’t imagine my life without Jessica.

Joel: So instead of taking Dave and Mary’s side, don’t you agree that Ruth has the right to ask that we appreciate all she’s done for us?

Dave: *stands up* Objection!

Joel: Objection to his objection!

Dave: Your honor, Joel is asking Tom to make an opinion based on his experience and to apply that opinion as if the rest of us agree to it.

Rick: Objection sustained. Joel, just ask Tom what he thinks based on his experience.

Joel: *rolls his eyes* I can’t wait until you’re up here for me to question, Dave.

Dave: *narrows his eyes* Bring it.

Rick: *bangs gavel* Enough. Joel, do you have anything else to ask Tom?

Joel: No, I think I’ve stated my case. You may go back to the wrong side of the courtroom, Tom.

Tom: *returns to his seat*

Photo credits:

Tom picking his nose: ID 7117486 © Imagery Majestic | Dreamstime.com

Tom confused: ID 7419647 © Imagery Majestic | Dreamstime.com

***

Sally Larson (Aka Sally Johnson) Gives Her Side of Things in the Case of

Ruth Ann Nordin VS Dave and Mary Larson

(Posted on June 13, 2012)

Rick: Who’s next to the stand?

Joel: The court calls Sally Larson to the stand.

*everyone looks back to see where Sally is on a cell phone with a computer open on her lap*

Sally: I love those shoes! Yes, I’m looking at the site right now. Definitely buy them. It’s perfect for the new dress you just bought. I’m telling you, Ethel Mae, you need to run out and buy them before they go out of stock.

Rick: *clears his throat*

Sally: *still talking into phone* Well, I don’t have a dress in that particular color, but then I don’t think that color goes well with my complexion. It’s perfect on you. It brings out the color in your cheeks. *silent for a moment* You didn’t! You did? Really? And what did he say?

Rick: *bangs the gavel*

Sally: *jerks and looks up from her computer* Oh, I have to go, Ethel Mae. Yeah, I’m in court because my brother is an idiot. Yeah, the one who thinks we need to join some kind of union because he’s so much better than the rest of us. As if we’re here to do his bidding. *silent for a moment* I know. He was so nice in Her Heart’s Desire. I don’t know what happened to him either. I guess fame goes to some people’s heads.

Rick: *whispers to the bailiff who hurries over to Sally and closes the laptop and takes her cell phone away from her* We’re having a hearing, Sally. You can talk to your friend after the verdict.

Tom: I’m pretty sure cell phones and laptops aren’t allowed here, especially since we live in the 1800s.

Joel: Oh good grief. It’s fiction.

Sally: No matter what time period it is, a girl has the right to shop and talk to her friends. *goes up the front of the room and sits on the witness stand; glances at Rick and bats her eyelashes at him* You’re not mad at me, are you?

Rick: *smiles* Nah, I guess not. Just remember you can’t do it in any of the books because then we’d all get in trouble for historical inaccuracy.

Sally: Sure thing, honey. *winks at him*

Tom: *rolls his eyes* Can we get on with this already?

Joel: Right. *approaches Sally* Now, Sally, what do you think about Ruth?

Sally: She’s awesome. Not only did she give me a great husband, but I’m one of her best characters.

Tom: Objection! That’s is conjecture. No one can say Sally is Ruth’s best character.

Sally: *crosses her arms and pouts* I said one of her best.

Tom: Your honor, objection! It’s still conjecture.

Rick: Objection denied. Joel, continue with the questions.

Joel: You were in favor of the plot for Isaac’s Decision. In fact, you convinced Rick to marry Isaac and Emily.

Sally: Yes.

Joel: Is it fair to say you thought Dave overreacted when he tried to rewrite that book?

Sally: Of course, he overreacted. He’s not a storyteller. He doesn’t have a literary bone in his body. Can you imagine what a catastrophe that story would have turned out to be? I mean, he was writing, and I quote:

Sally reads:

Isaac wasn’t sure if listening to his father was a good idea. But he knew his father had his best interest at heart, so he decided to take Eva home without any of his brothers or sisters tagging along. He took Eva home, and they had a wonderful conversation. He thought that maybe his father was right and he would give Eva a second chance.

When they arrived at her home, her father asked him if he wanted to visit for a while, and he agreed. Isaac had such a good time he asked Eva if he could court her. She said yes but said she couldn’t officially be courted until after her teaching contract was over. Soon enough, it was, and they did. By the end of the year, they were married and lived happily ever after because she was a good wife who was a lot like his mother and he had a wonderful mother. The End

Sally continues: I mean, who in their right mind would read such a stupid story? Ruth did Isaac and Emily a huge favor of ditching what David wrote.

Joel: Ruth claims she deserves compensation for the way she was treated. Do you agree?

Sally: Sure. If she isn’t, then David might pull some other sneaky stunt. And if that happens, Ruth might give up because it won’t be worth it to have a character and his gullible wife creating a ruckus all the time. Who wants that hassle?

Joel: Thank you, Sally. That’s all I have to say.

Rick: Do you have any questions, Tom?

Tom: Indeed, I do. *walks over to Sally* What does your husband do for a living?

Sally: Seriously? That’s your question?

Tom: Will you just answer it?

Sally: *rolls her eyes* Fine. He’s a judge. *she points to Rick* Do you want to know his last name, too?

Tom: My point is that being a judge’s wife, you ought to be aware of the Constitution, specifically the First Amendment, which just so happens to be the freedom of speech. That being the case, isn’t Dave within his rights to speak up when he doesn’t like something Ruth does?

Sally: There’s a difference between speaking up and being a pest. He was a pest. Hiding from everyone so we all thought he was kidnapped is taking it too far. Anyone with half a brain can see that.

Tom: But if Dave wants to form a union and gather characters who’ll go along with him, then that’s his right.

Sally: If you must persist in this crazy talk, then be aware that Ruth also has the right to give up the Nebraska books and find other books to write. Book which, I might add, will feature other characters. And if David bugs those characters until they give in and go along with it just to shut him up, then she might give up writing altogether.

Tom: *stands silent of a moment and sighs* I can’t think of anything else.

Joel: *snickers at Tom who mutters for him to shut up*

Sally: *leaves the witness stand*

Photo credits:

Sally taking on a more serious role: ID 13731827 © Syda Productions | Dreamstime.com

***

Mary Larson is at the Witness Stand

(Posted on June 20, 2012)

Rick: Joel, is there anyone else you want to bring up to the witness stand?

Joel: No, your honor.

Rick: Tom, who is your first witness?

Tom: I want to call Mary Larson to the stand.

Mary: *goes up to the stand and sits down*

Tom: It goes without saying that this whole ordeal has been hard on you and the children, especially since you’re in the family way.

Mary: It’s no secret I didn’t like the fact that a tree nymph wanted to join Dave’s union. There’s only one reason a nymph would do such a thing, and unlike my naive husband, I know what that reason is.

Tom: I don’t think anyone here will argue that it’s your right to defend yourself and your children against a woman of loose morals.

Mary: Honestly, I don’t think she even knows how to read. She probably saw Dave’s picture and wanted to use him for her… *shifts uncomfortably in the chair* Well, being a woman in the 1800s, I won’t say the exact words.

Tom: I think we all know what you’re thinking, and I, for one, agree. Kyala was up to no good.

Joel: Objection, your honor!

Tom: On what grounds?

Rick: I can speak for myself, Tom. *looks at Joel* On what grounds?

Joel: We can’t say for sure what Kyala’s motives were.

Rick: Objection denied. It doesn’t matter what Kyala’s motives were. What matters is why Mary did what she did. Continue, Tom.

Tom: Really?

Rick: Well, you are the one questioning Mary right now.

Tom: No, I mean, you’re actually telling Joel his objection doesn’t stand and that I have a good point?

Rick: *sighs* Can we please get on with the case? I’d like to be done with this before July 1. At the rate it’s going, we’ll be here until Christmas.

Tom: *turns back to Mary* Besides the threat you felt Kyala posed, you also worried about something else, didn’t you?

Mary: Yes. I worried that Dave’s persistence was going to bother Ruth until she dropped the Nebraska series. As Sally said, I didn’t think Dave was helping the situation. While his fierce determination to stick with something he believes in is something I love most about him, in this case, it worked against him.

Tom: So what you did was meant to help Ruth, not hurt her.

Mary: Yes, but I also wanted to help Dave. Ruth plans to write another book about us and then about our children. Dave has as much to lose as the rest of us do.

Tom: That’s all I have to say, your honor. *sits down*

Rick: Joel, do you have anything you wish to say?

Joel: *stands up and approaches Mary* Yes, I do. Mary, do you honestly think Dave would ever cheat on you?

Mary: No, of course not. He’s as loyal as a man can be.

Joel: So why were you so threatened by Kyala that you demanded Dave follow your sinister plan to kidnap him? You gave him no room for argument as you used your womanly wiles on him.

Mary: *gasp* I don’t look anything like that!

Tom: Objection, your honor! Not only is that picture grossly modern, but it taints Mary’s gentle nature.

Rick: Objection sustained.

Joel: On what grounds? I’ve just established that Mary doesn’t believe Dave would have run off to a tree with Kyala. It makes her testimony questionable.

Rick: First of all, “womanly wiles” suggests that she was using her sex appeal on Dave, not going psycho on him. Second, I can’t allow a picture that modern in this courtroom. A laptop and cell phone? Okay. But the rollers, sunglasses, modern kitchen…. It’s too much. Remove the picture at once.

Joel: *groans but obeys* Fine, but let it stand that Mary didn’t believe Kyala was a threat.

Mary: Kyala was a threat. Even if the man is faithful, it’s still unpleasant for the wife to sit idly by and watch a young, beautiful woman sporting off her hourglass figure in front of him. No wife wants that.

Joel: So why didn’t you kidnap her or ship her off to some Greek island somewhere?

Mary: Because given the nature of her personality, I figured if I put up a resistance, then she’d want Dave even more. Women set on sleeping with married men find the challenge much more appealing if the wives fight them. By simply removing Dave from the spotlight, I figure an airhead like Kyala would get bored and move on. And she did. She was flirting with Joseph Connealy and Owen Russell. She’ll sleep with anyone.

Joel: Let’s say your theory was correct and that you had to kidnap Dave to get rid of her. How did you talk Dave into it?

Mary: *blushes* I’d rather not say.

Joel: Then the picture of the rolling pin, tacky sunglasses, appalling apron, and modern kitchen stands. I’m putting it back up.

Rick: Don’t you dare. No one wants to go blind looking at it a second time. Joel, I think it’s safe to say that Mary used her womanly wiles to convince Dave to fake his own kidnapping. Hence why her face is as bright as a tomato.

Joel: Even so, I think it should be noted that Dave wasn’t smart enough to come up with the scheme himself. Mary is still part of the blame for causing Ruth much anguish while she searched all over Dave and Mary’s property to clear her good name. No more questions, your honor. *looks at Dave and mutters* It’s so sad when the wife has to do her husband’s thinking for him.

Photo credits:

***

Dave Larson is at the Witness Stand

(Posted on June 28, 2012)

Rick: Tom, who’s your next witness?

Tom: Dave Larson.

Dave: *goes to the witness stand and sits down*

Tom: Dave, tell us your side of the story.

Dave: There’s not much to tell except everyone has a warped view of what really happened.

Tom: How so?

Dave: This whole thing started because I was a concerned parent. I love my children, and I want what’s best for them.

Tom: What does this have to do with Ruth?

Dave: I’m getting to that. You see, while she was writing Isaac’s Decision, it broke my heart. I mean, how would you feel if one of your daughters was going to marry someone you thought wasn’t good for her? What parent is going to sit idly by and let their child make a huge mistake? I intervened and tried to offer Ruth alternative endings to her book. I don’t know why that is such a crime.

Tom: It’s not a crime to do that.

Dave: Exactly. But Ruth made fun of me by mocking my attempts at writing and saying I gave myself 5-star reviews while she gave me 1-star reviews. Then I had to be the perfect character in To Have and To Hold. But Ruth made a spectacle of me. I was the laughing stock of this blog.

Tom: How so?

Dave: I merely wanted to caution her readers that she might be a bad author because she doesn’t listen to her characters. If she’s not listening to me, then there are going to be others she won’t listen to in the future. I thought if her readers banned her books until she changed her ways, then she’d listen to all of us and give us an equal say. We are her characters, after all. Don’t we deserve to have a say in what happens in our books?

Tom: But the ban didn’t work.

Dave: No, it didn’t. She made it sound like I was a joke. Everyone was laughing at me.

Tom: It hurt, didn’t it?

Dave: *shrugs* Well, I was more annoyed than hurt. I didn’t cry or anything.

Tom: So when banning the books didn’t work, you created the Characters for Better Treatment Union?

Dave: Yes. I thought if I couldn’t convince her readers to demand better treatment for her characters, then I could get other characters to join me.

Tom: And that didn’t work.

Dave: No, it didn’t. Except for that immodestly dressed woman from the environmental group and her weird friends, no one was interested. None of those characters would have helped. I needed Ruth’s characters to stand with me and demand our rights.

Tom: But it didn’t work.

Dave: *looks pointedly at him* No, it didn’t, and you were one of the characters who supported Ruth during that time. You didn’t bother joining the union.

Tom: Objection, your honor.

Rick: How can you object? This is your client.

Tom: My involvement in the union has nothing to do with this case.

Rick: Don’t you mean ‘your lack of involvement’?

Tom: *thinks for a moment* Yeah, I guess so. Lack means I didn’t participate, right?

Rick: Objection sustained. Move on with the questioning.

Tom: *turns to Dave* So in desperation, you faked your kidnapping?

Dave: It was all I could think of. I could have kept doing the same things I did before, but there’s a saying that goes, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” I had to do something different. Faking my kidnapping was all I could think of to help people understand the seriousness of the situation.

Tom: Thank you, Dave. I have nothing else to ask.

Joel: *stands up and approaches Dave* Do you think this trial is pointless?

Dave: Yes. It’s a waste of time.

Joel: Some might argue that you faking your own kidnapping is a waste of time.

Dave: Desperate men do desperate things.

Joel: So, you’re feeling desperate?

Dave: That picture isn’t me.

Joel: It’s not you, but it represents your thinking process during the whole time you’ve been giving Ruth grief.

Dave: There’s nothing wrong with my thinking process, Joel. Some day, Ruth might take your children and write a story about them. What if she makes one of your children a bandit or a cold-blooded killer?

Joel: You can’t compare Isaac marrying Emily to criminal behavior.

Dave: I’m using an example to show you the depth of my pain. Not that I cried or anything.

Joel: *rolls eyes* Sure, Dave.

Dave: I didn’t.

Joel: Whatever. *holds his hand up before Dave can speak* Under oath, can you honestly say that Isaac is miserable right now?

Dave: That’s not the point.

Joel: It is the point. The truth is that even if you didn’t cry *coughs* yeah right *coughs*, Ruth gave Isaac a happy ending because Emily turned out to be good for him.

Dave: It isn’t the point at all. The point is that Ruth didn’t even listen to my concerns. She made all these posts where people laughed at me.

Joel: Do we need our teddy bear, Dave?

Dave: What? Teddy bears weren’t even around in the 1800s.

Joel: It’s an expression, Dave. It means that even if you’re a grown man with a family of your own, you still need to be protected from a few laughs. You’re sensitive. Your emotions get hurt easily.

Dave: That’s not true!

Joel: Oh, isn’t it? The reason why you faked your own kidnapping — after Mary the mastermind thought up the clever scheme — was so you could run off and pout with your teddy bear.

Dave: No, it wasn’t. I did it to make a point!

Joel: Yes, you did! And now we all know when things don’t go your way, you act like a kid having a temper tantrum.

Dave: *motions to Tom* Aren’t you going to object?

Tom: To what?

Dave: Really? You have to ask?

Tom: Well, you have been throwing temper tantrums on this blog and acting like it’s all about you.

Dave: *huffs and turns to Rick* Your honor, I want to represent myself for the rest of the case.

Joel: There’s no need, Dave. I believe I just proved my point. When things don’t go exactly as you want them, you get demanding like a little kid. No more questions, your honor.

Photo credits:

***

Richard Larson is at the Witness Stand

(Posted on June 30, 2012)

Rick: Do you have a witness to call up here, Tom?

Tom: Yes. I have one, and then we’re done with the trial.

Rick: Thank God. I was beginning to think this trial would never end. So who are you calling up?

Tom: Richard Larson.

Richard: *comes up to the witness stand and sits down*

Tom: Do you think Dave and Mary had a good reason to fake his kidnapping?

Richard: No.

Tom: Objection, your honor!

Joel: Objection to his objection!

Rick: Oh for goodness’ sakes. What’s going on here, Tom?

Tom: Richard is supposed to be on Dave and Mary’s side. That’s why he’s up here. He can’t say “No”.

Richard: Well, it’s the truth. The whole thing is stupid, but I think Dave has a point in why we should listen to him.

Joel: *mutters* This ought to be good.

Rick: Settle down, Joel. Go ahead, Richard. Where are you going with this?

Richard: Well, if we all remember right, it’s Dave and Mary who started the whole Nebraska series.

Tom: Right. So what about it?

Richard: Originally, Eye of the Beholder was supposed to be a romance between Neil Craftsman and Mary Peters. Then in chapter two, Ruth thought the story would be better if Neil turned out to be a slimy character. That’s where Dave came in. Had there not been the friction between Dave and Neil, a lot of what makes the story as good as it is would’ve been lost. The only reason Ruth did everything she did in that story was because she was listening to her characters. So when Dave is asking for Ruth to listen to her characters, it’s because the stories are better if she does.

Tom: Yes, very good.

Richard: And if it hadn’t been for Eye of the Beholder, she never would have went on to write more Nebraska books. Let’s face it. We’re a lovable bunch of characters, and all of us in Eye of the Beholder wanted Ruth to write our books. You, Jenny, Joel, Sally, Isaac, and soon I’ll have a book. None of this would be possible if Dave and Mary hadn’t taken the initiative and been willing to be the first characters in Ruth’s historical westerns. It’s because of them Ruth fell in love with writing historical westerns. It’s because of them people fell in love with the Nebraska Series. We can’t dismiss Mary and Dave’s contribution to Ruth’s career. I mean, no one would even know who she is without them.

Tom: Thank you, Richard. That’s all I have to ask, your honor.

Joel: *stands up and approaches Richard* How much did Dave and Mary pay you to say all that?

Richard: Nothing, Joel. I am capable of independent thought.

Joel: Hmm… And yet it’s taken you nine books into the Nebraska series before you came up with an idea for your own book? Nine books? The rest of us had ideas sooner than that.

Richard: What’s your point, pipsqueak?

Joel: My point is you’re late.

Joel continues: You overslept. You need to get your life organized. Aren’t you aware that the series is moving to our kids? It started with Dave and Mary’s oldest, Isaac. You could have been the first book in the series, but since you took so long, you’ll be tossed into another series. It takes you forever to come up with anything, and now you expect us to believe that you came up with that whole “Dave and Mary started it all” spiel without Dave and Mary’s help?

Richard: That’s the stupidest argument I’ve ever heard.

Joel: Do you really believe if it hadn’t been for Dave and Mary that Ruth would never have come up with plots for our books?

Richard: She might have come up with the same plot ideas, but the characters would’ve been different. We were all introduced in Eye of the Beholder. Do you know why some of the characters in her other books never got stories of their own? Because they didn’t scream loud enough at Ruth to write their books. We’ve been the most vocal bunch of all her characters, which is why we have the most books. None of that would be possible if Ruth hadn’t written Eye of the Beholder. So we owe Dave and Mary our thanks for that.

Joel: Aren’t you worried that if Dave keeps bothering her, she’ll stop writing about us?

Richard: No. This is larger than Dave and Mary now. It’s also you, me, Tom, Sally, Jenny, and all of our children. Dave and Mary are just two characters. Ruth might not write anything else with them in it, but there’s too many of the rest of us and our intriguing plot lines for her to ignore. George Lucas has Star Wars. William Shatner has Star Trek. Stephanie Meyer has Twilight. CS Lewis has the Chronicles of Narnia. Ruth has the Nebraska characters. Do you know what all of these people have in common?

Joel: *groans*

Richard: They all did other projects, but one stands apart from all the rest. Sure, Ruth might write other series with other characters, but when people think of her, they also think of the Larson family, and that’s something Dave and Mary has done for us.

Joel: I hate it when you’re around. *turns to Rick* I have nothing else to ask, your honor.

Photo credits:

***

The Jury Votes

(Posted on July 1, 2012)

The results are in! The verdict is that Dave and Mary Larson are guilty! I was given the satisfaction of putting those two troublemakers in their place!!

Are Dave and Mary Larson Innocent or Guilty?

Innocent 42.03% (29 votes)

Guilty 57.97% (40 votes)

Total Votes: 69