IMELDA

By the time you leave the nursing home the sky has darkened Rain on the way they said and you didn’t believe it but now over the car park you see big black clouds hanging and more packing in like a crowd before a match and that same air of waiting And in your heart for a moment you feel a cold pang remembering Poor Lar he is not right in the head You asked him had he somewhere to stay You could put him up till he goes back to England But he shrugged it off Said he had it sorted You didn’t ask again It was all too much wasn’t it Going back into that madness

Shush enough leave it

You take a deep breath Get in the car check yourself in the mirror One thing’s for certain you’re in no fit state for dinner Your face all puffed out from crying In a ratty old hoody and jeans because you didn’t have time to get changed You wonder should you just call him and put it off till again but then as you’re sitting there figuring it out the phone rings in your hand and it’s him Mike

Listen he says I’m sorry but something’s come up A breech birth on the farm I’ve to go out there now with the vet I’m very sorry

You look at the gathering clouds The first thing in your head of course the girl the housekeeper But you keep your voice light Another time so you say Who knows Maybe it’s for the best

I’m not calling it off Mike says anxiously Only that I’ll be late It won’t take more than an hour if you don’t mind hanging on

I’ve got the dinner mostly cooked he says and he laughs For what it’s worth

You’re sure? you ask him

Sure as can be he says Tell you what I’ll leave the door on the latch for you and if you like just come on over pour yourself a glass of wine and I’ll be back before you know it

Okay you say thinking wouldn’t that be best To get out of the madhouse of your family your past for a few hours at least I’m only in a hoody you say

Well I’ll be covered head to toe in cow shite he says So we’ll be quite the pair

You laugh despite yourself Everything all right there? he asks You sound a bit off

Oh you say dabbing at your eyes Nothing major Just a funny sort of a day

But starting the car you think determinedly of the night ahead and already you feel a bit better

Dusk is falling in the meadows as you drive back towards town The trees shuttle black by the window and beyond them the blue ghosts of the mountains appear and disappear When you were little Daddy would point up to them and tell you he’d buried a chest of gold coins there If there’s ever a time I’m not here to take care of you I’ll send you word where that chest is You go and dig it up you’ll be right till I’m back

But then he’d be gone and he never did tell you where it was

And then after the wedding you never saw him again

The sky darkens The dark deepens The road is empty with only you on it and the trees In the green-black light it’s like driving underwater As if a river had seized you was bearing you off Leaves and tendrils rubbing against you The wash of the stones beneath you Creatures peering at you through the murk

He’d come to bring you to the church

You were in Rose’s cottage The bridesmaids swirling around you The woman from the salon standing back God is my witness I have never seen a more beautiful bride She wanted to take a picture she could use in her ads You were looking out the window at the sun Then came the knock at the door

There on the step was Daddy in a morning suit Behind him in the yard a car a Jaguar Vintage The colour of blood with ribbons on the bonnet He wanted to take you Aren’t you my only daughter?

You looked to Rose but she was at that moment out of sight Hidden somewhere in the bustle Or hiding Maurice is sending a car you said

It’s a father’s job Daddy said I talked to Maurice He agrees with me Come on now or you’ll be late

Did you believe him Did you even care You were thinking only of the church So you lifted the hem of your frilly white dress and stepped over the mud to the car He held the door open for you as you squeezed into the seat packing your wedding train around you and he closed the door again

That car God knows where he got it The seats were leather the dashboard walnut but the heating was broken so he couldn’t turn it off though the sun was beating down Splitting the stones He had the windows open Still you were sweating in your dress The radio playing the Dubliners The Road to God Knows Where He had a can of beer tucked between his knees He pretended he didn’t hear when you asked him not to smoke When you were a little way from the cottage he said So you’re going to go ahead with this

You turned You looked at him His eyes were fixed on the road You should have known then He never watched where he was going But you just said Yes

A hiss broke from him Have you lost your mind he said His brother? Frank’s own brother?

It’s none of your business you said You had been through all this a thousand times Is this the right thing all that And had heard Frank’s voice like God’s speaking inside your head Go to the church That’s where I’ll see you So you were going

You heard a gulp You thought he might be crying Did you ever even love him he said Did you love him at all

Dickie? you said

Frank! he said Frank! Have you forgotten his name already

And something snapped inside you Oh Frank Frank I’m sick hearing about him Why didn’t you marry him yourself if you were that gone on him

Then you lurched forward as he slammed on the brakes You were on some little boreen in the middle of nowhere His face turned to you pushing out of the heat like a sea monster from the waves and when he spoke it was in a low gurgling voice like he was mashing himself to pieces in his rage You’re a cold vicious little creature he said You always were

And he started the car again with his face set and his jaw grinding away as if he was chewing scrap metal You sat back into your dream thinking only of the church

But was that where you were going? What way is this you said He didn’t answer Just took a drink from his can and you got a feeling at the pit of your stomach You asked him again Is this the way to the church?

We’re not going to the church he said shortly and now a wave ran through you

I’m not letting you go through with this he said You’re not in your right mind You started screaming

I’m taking you to England he said till we get you back to yourself again

It’s for your own good he bellowed I won’t let you disgrace me

There was more He had it all planned The ferry The boys following with your things in the van But you barely heard You were frantic You had to get to that church You tried the door but he’d locked it You begged You pleaded You even tried to grab the wheel he pushed you back That fellow has bewitched you he roared Can you not see what he is Taking up with his own brother’s woman and poor Frank not cold in the ground It is unholy A mockery And all the money and riches in the world will not make it right

You fell silent Stunned

You’ll thank me he said In a few months you will see this for the madness it is and you will thank me

You sat there in silence sweating into your dress Then you thought of something and you laughed

That shook him You let him drive on You laughed softly to yourself

What’s funny he said

In a few months I’m going to have a baby you said

He didn’t say anything You wouldn’t think he’d heard you Only very slowly the car drew to a halt

The boreen was full of elderflowers that came pressing through the windows Bees buzzed Nobody was around for miles His face turned towards you once more and you felt almost sorry for him because you had won Defeated him with your treacherous woman’s body

I’m pregnant you said

He blackened It was like a storm about to break The air getting thick and tight You knew there was nothing you could do to stop it even if you’d wanted to

But still he saw a glimmer of light Is it Frank’s?

You just laughed again That’s when he hit you

Yes his princess his angel his untouched beauty He hit you with the can of beer Your head snapped sideways It felt like your eye had burst But from the other eye you saw him twist his belly round in the seat so he could get at you properly His hands came at you shovelling the lacy veil aside so he could reach your throat I’ll kill you by Christ You knew he’d do it You would die here among the flowers

Only at that moment a tractor came puttering around the bend and a little farmer in a flat cap asked from the cab were you having difficulties

Well full credit to him he was never caught short for a lie Oh says he Wasn’t it a bee got in there under her veil

A bee says the farmer

Can you believe it Daddy says She is to be married this very morning up in the town Only now this bee has gone and stung her beautiful face

God works in mysterious ways said the farmer But you are headed the wrong way for the town

Is that so said Daddy

Yes the farmer said and he pointed back down the road and told them the right way to go

Thank you indeed Daddy said

You’re most welcome the farmer said And congratulations to you both With that he waved as if in goodbye Though he didn’t leave but stayed there watching till Daddy had started the car again and turned it around

You drove on together in silence

Coming into town the streets were empty as if every living soul was in there in that church

Daddy pulled up at the gate He sat there a moment You wondered would he come in after all after everything But then he spoke

Listen to me now he said His mouth was downturned His yellowed eyes were sour and heavy These are the last words I will say to you

I would curse you both he said Only you’ve done that for yourselves already

So I’ll just tell you how it will go

You will lose everything

Your house and your land The ground under your feet Your child inside you Everything you have will vanish away On the side of the road you’ll be begging strangers for pennies Maybe then you’ll understand what it is that you’ve done

A cunt like you with your airs and ways You think how you can act as you please But there are some things the world will not abide Marrying that man You’d be better off putting your head in a noose and that’s the God’s truth

You let him finish then lowered your veil stepped out of the car The dress had remained white by a miracle You heard him start the engine drive off You didn’t look back You went up to the church door Alone

If he’d known your plan he might have gone easier on you Maybe you should have explained What a fool to think you’d forgotten Frank When Frank was all you thought of For months going to his grave Speaking to his ghost Readying yourself for this moment Daddy could have wrung your neck it wouldn’t have stopped you getting here Where you knew he’d be waiting inside Standing there sparkling and see-through Twinkling at you like something off the TV Raised up out of the ground in the suit he was buried in Handsome unspoiled A hand reached out ready to take you to heaven

But you opened the door and it was only Dickie there waiting

Dickie green at the gills who could blame him What must he have thought He must have known though he never let on Came home every night to make dinner Tipped away at the nursery Brought you catalogues for the new house Asked your opinion What d’you think of these curtains Or should we get blinds How do you feel about parquet floors You with holes in your shoes from the walk to Naancross Dirt under your nails from scrabbling at the ground Should we get a washer-dryer combo or are separate units better

Trying to reel you back in to earth Must have supposed some day you’d be in your right mind again

Waited for you at the altar while Daddy left never to return Just as Frank had

Damn it! you exclaim out loud alone in the car because now everything has blurred up again Drive and cry That’s all you ever do these days You are going to look like shit for Mike Absolute shit If you’d thought of bringing a bit of lipstick even

But here’s the turn for your own house coming up You told yourself you would not go back there Not to have to tell him more lies But he’s probably down in his fort and if you keep it quick change your top at least Put on a skirt Decent knickers If you’re going to do this you might as well do it right So you switch on the indicator though there is no one on the road and take the turn-off A quick stop that is all Then you’re not thinking of any of this stuff any more Daddy Frank Dickie any of that

Tonight is about the future You’ve had enough past frankly to last you a lifetime