Who was it told her the story It couldn’t have been Daddy he only talked about himself And Mammy didn’t tell stories just liked to brush Imelda’s hair It must have been Rose so She remembers Rose was there in the house when she was little And it was the type of story she’d tell A warning before either of them knew there was anything to warn about
The tale was of a traveller making his way home after a long journey One night he finds himself out in the fields after the sun sets with no house nor inn to be seen where he might ask for lodging It is a bitter night but what choice does he have except to lie down where he is on the side of a hill and spread his cloak over him to keep off the cold A white moon hangs overhead He shivers on the grass It takes him a long time to get to sleep But sleep he does in the end only to be woken by the sound of music
He lifts up his head The moon is gone the sky pitch dark Not a soul to be seen wherever he looks yet still he hears the music A fiddle a squeezebox a bodhran playing a tune for dancing to
He gets to his feet and he moves towards it and then sees on the other side of the hill is a door
The door is open a crack and through that crack light is coming and music
The traveller pauses having heard tales himself of the Sídh the fairy folk who live side by side with us invisibly but from time to time may be glimpsed near a particular tree or a well or a hill that is theirs Fair to look upon but masters of cruel magic If you rub up against them there’s no knowing what they’ll do Kill your cattle for sport Steal your baby Make you sick Or play a trick on you so your face trades places with your arse or a tree is set growing inside you till the branches reach out of your mouth and your eyes and your ears
Stay away from them that is best he knows And yet the night is so cold! The night is so cold and the music so merry and surely nobody who makes such music would want to do him harm? So he finds himself edging towards the door He will stop just inside it he thinks Listen to the music Stay just until he is warm He need never speak to the ones inside whoever they are Though who’s to say they are the fairy folk at all and not simply people living inside a hill?
So he tells himself and he steps through the door
And he finds himself not in an earthy hollow but in a mighty hall A feast is taking place On the table are plates of every kind of meat Jugs of mead wine and whiskey The people around the table are comely like no one he has ever seen before Their hair is yellow their eyes are blue and as soon as they set eyes on him they let out a cheer as if they have been waiting for him before they begin They sit him down Put a goblet in his hand Tell him to eat his fill Which he does And when he is full they take his damp old cloak and put a fine robe on his shoulders and on his head a circlet and on his finger a ring all of gold The goblets too the plates are gold Gold chains around each feaster’s neck Gold lines the walls A maiden takes his hand Her hair golden as a summer’s day
The music restarts though he can’t see who’s playing The maiden dances him round and round Kisses his forehead his cheek his lips He tells her he has a wife waiting for him and she laughs Those things don’t matter here she says This is a place without care So he dances and he drinks and every time his goblet is empty it’s filled again without his ever seeing how and the feast goes on but he doesn’t get tired and the kind people who have brought him into their feasting hall stand in a circle around him as he dances with the maiden and they clap and they cheer Such friends he thinks And then he wakes up
It is morning He is lying in the grass on the side of the hill His old cloak spread over him damper than ever With a groan he gets to his feet His bones ache In the daylight he can find no sign of the door in the hill however he searches Till he gives it up as a dream nothing more Continues on his way back to his village
Along the road he notices differences An inn he didn’t see before A wood where he remembers a farm When he reaches his village things are stranger still Someone has made off with his house and left in its place only a pile of stones And his wife his children are nowhere to be found
He asks the villagers where they could be But those villagers too are changed It is another man now who calls himself baker Another man who calls himself priest And none of them knows where his family have gone to
Till at last they bring him to a man An old old man with a long grey beard Yes he says He knew a woman of that name When he was a child But she was very old Old as I am now he says And today lies buried in the churchyard That is not she the traveller says for his wife is young and bonny Tell me says the old man where did you get that ring And the traveller sees on his finger still the gold ring that was given him by the kind people beneath the hill And he begins to tell his tale but before he is done the villagers rise up seeing that he is cursed and they drum him out of the village
And he takes to the roads and for the rest of his days he goes alone A hundred years away from his wife and children and everyone he once knew Searching in vain for a door in a hill so he might beg the kind strangers to set him back as he was before he met them
But who knew why that should even have stayed with her for she didn’t live in a hall of feasting fairies nor in a village either with a baker and a priest but on a street of little houses squashed up against each other like in a big city with all around them open fields Over one field was the Texaco that did sausage rolls and over the other was the Statoil that had pies though you would have to cross the motorway for that Their house was at the end of the terrace so there was space in the yard for the car and the van and the swings and for Daddy’s sheds There were six sheds though one was full of rubbish still from when he had his garbage collection business He was after the council to come and clear it but they would not and that was out of spite he said Of the other sheds four contained his wares though Mammy said that no one but he could tell them apart from the rubbish Two hundred dolls without heads Two pallets of five-year-old teabags A load of radios that only spoke French Cracked Tupperware and dusty disposable BBQs Some of the stuff had been lying there for years It was older than she was
Imelda and Lar played in the sheds when Daddy wasn’t around only not the rubbish one because of the rats And the sixth shed he told them they must never go into That was where he brought Butch after the council came out about the barking What am I supposed to do? she heard Daddy say to the man from the council The kids love it I can’t just kill it
Nobody’s saying to kill it the council man said Just don’t keep it tied up in the yard all day
When are you going to pick up that garbage Daddy said but the man was already getting into his car
It was Noeleen dobbed them in Daddy said She was always giving out about the barking She wrecked his head worse than the dog Well she could plug her effing ears so she could But then on St Patrick’s Day they were all watching the parade on TV There was a girl on the milk float Miss Premier Dairies who was the prettiest girl she’d ever seen and Butch was barking out the back barking barking till finally Daddy roared out Fuck’s sake He got up and went outside and grabbed a brick in one hand and with the other pulled up the stake from the ground and dragged the dog into the shed the sixth shed She and Lar tried to stop him but he sent them back in It was Noeleen next door they should go crying to he said After that they didn’t speak to Noeleen again nor she to them
Yes Daddy could be very hard when he got in a rage He was on disability now but he used to be a fighter and his arms were like the carcasses she’d see hanging in the butcher’s van with the heads still on them She often watched his videos with him He’d have a beer in one hand and the other he would put on her shoulder and he’d say to her Watch this fella now that he’s about to try and snake up on me with a left and she’d hide her face away because she thought Daddy might die Lookit lookit see him! he’d say tugging her head up Getting excited as if it were all happening again and he’d half-rise off the couch bringing his fist up Pow! he’d shout as the other man fell down on the tarmac and Daddy descended on him with the fists like hammers
It was no joke when those fists fell on you the older lads said When they took off their shirts you could see the marks You think he’s bad now youse have it lucky they said Back then you wouldn’t know if he might kill you for real back then when he was drinking But he is drinking Lar said and they laughed That’s not drinking
With her though Daddy was always gentle as a lamb The boys were jealous because she had her own room and she got new clothes while they wore hand-me-downs But most of all because Daddy would never hit her no matter how bad she was though she was never bad with him Nor would he let them lay a finger on her nor anyone else She was too good for the scuts and savages that lived around these parts he said A natural beauty Some day she’d win the Rose of Tralee Some day she’d marry a millionaire
In the meantime she had to be careful He was careful too Keeping an eye out after school in case some boy should start trying to put the chat on her Pulling up in the van they’d peg it before he even got out the door shouting after them None of you mongrels will ever get near a thoroughbred like that so put it out of your head And the brothers too that as soon as she started getting breasts would always be mocking them Tits they called her Here Tits Always trying to grab her grope her Pull the towel off her when she came out of the shower till Daddy put the fear of God into them with a wire coat hanger or the heel of his shoe
But not her She remained untouched An untouched beauty like a princess in a fairy tale And she combed her golden hair and dreamed of the day that her prince would come for her
Mammy said she was vain
Keep looking in that mirror miss and the Devil will appear That was what she said
She had been beautiful once herself and Imelda was like her doll She used dress her up in little smocks and frocks and berets so the women would coo over her on the steps of the church But now Mammy was sick and she did not go to Mass or anywhere else There was no more dressing up for either of them Instead she sat in her bed and called down to the brothers to bring up her dinner Though she was sick she was huge A mountain of fat half-sunk in the bed but she spoke in a small high-pitched voice like there was a little girl trapped inside the blancmange of her body
When Imelda was born Rose had told her she’d be her last And so it turned out She had tried to have more babies but they never took The gowl is banjo’d on her Imelda heard Daddy tell Nat O’Neill The curse never stops Yes The gowl was broken and Daddy’s heart was broken too When he did wrong on her it was from the grief he said of the children he would never have
Mammy thought Imelda was to blame She thought Imelda had done something to her while she was inside in her womb Making sure none would follow after her Scheming to take Mammy’s place even before she was born
I see through you Mammy said You might have your father fooled Not me
She called her a troublemaker She kept tabs on her Whenever Imelda was alone with Daddy downstairs watching a video on the couch sooner or later she would hear the groan of the bed above and the thud of the feet on the floor Then five minutes later Mammy would appear in the door Too out of breath to speak Just staring in at her like an enormous fleshy ghost till Daddy turned from the telly and yelled to stop letting in a draught and Mammy without replying would turn and huff and plod her way back up the stairs and the bed would creak and groan again like a coffin lid closing I’m wise to you she would say when Imelda brought her up her tea I’ll tell the nuns about you and they’ll lock you away for a hundred years
Don’t mind her Daddy said It’s just cause she’s sick
But Imelda was not so sure What if Mammy saw something he didn’t? What if there was something bad inside her Something that made people want to do bad things Pulled them like a magnet to chase after her on the way home from school Grab her as she passed on the stairs That made the Devil stir in the depths of the mirror?
All she could do was try her best to be good And she was good she told herself because wasn’t she untouched? While the brothers had black eyes or split lips and Mammy even sat with an ice pack in her bed before the TV Imelda was untouched and that was the proof and she felt a glow of specialness And she would stay untouched she vowed For though Daddy had plans for his thoroughbred the truth was that she had no wish ever to be touched by anyone
Then one day some men came to the house
She was on the couch with Lar watching Neighbours when the van screeched up outside At the same moment JohnJoe burst through the door and hollered There’s two of them! meaning vans The second one they’d driven fifty yards on to block off the road but she didn’t find that out till later Right now she was looking at the Hiace out the front which three lads came piling out of One with a lump hammer one with a car jack one with a slash hook A second later two more appeared to join them a gingery fellow with a bat and a boggle-eyed type that she couldn’t see what he had with him and they all went running out of sight down the front lane trying to knock down the door
But it was the wrong door they picked It was poor Noeleen’s door their neighbour which was pretty thick of them because any eejit could have told which house was which Noeleen had her yard full of gnomes and wishing wells and climbing roses and little shrubs in pots while theirs had a Datsun up on blocks and a load of parts strewn over the grass and a ripped sofa with Lar’s pony eating the stuffing out of it and a clatter of broken-down sheds
But Imelda thought maybe it was Noeleen they were after That maybe she had complained to the council about them like she had about Butch And she turned to the boys to tell them but then she saw Lar looking back behind him with his mouth open and when she looked back too she saw JohnJoe sprinting off down the back garden and jumping over the wall Then she looked at Lar and Lar looked at her
Run Lar said
Outside Noeleen was shrieking that she’d called the guards and the men must have realized their mistake because now through the frosted window of the front door she saw a shape appear
Go on Go Lar said pushing her up the stairs because he mustn’t have thought she could make it over the back wall but anyway she wouldn’t have left him
Who is it? Mammy called from the bedroom Who’s at the door?
She didn’t reply Downstairs she heard a thudding at the door then Lar opening it and saying Daddy wasn’t home No one’s home except me he said
The man at the door mustn’t have believed him because next thing the house was full of thundering steps Men’s voices as they crowded into the hall then the front room and the kitchen
What’s going on Mammy said sitting up in her bed Neighbours on her telly too Who is in the house? Where’s Daddy?
Shh Imelda whispered to her from the landing Stop talking!
But Mammy did not hush On the contrary I’m a sick woman! she exclaimed I can’t have all this commotion! Imelda ignored her ran into her own room and slid under her bed Through the floorboards she heard a din of shouting to and fro and things falling to the floor and then a clatter of feet on the stairs and a moment later closer to her Mammy’s voice saying quieter Who are you?
She held her breath but if there was a reply she didn’t hear it and after a moment she breathed out again
Then slowly the door creaked open From under the bed she saw a pair of muddy boots Then hairy hands Then a pair of wolfish black eyes
Well he says Isn’t this a nice surprise?
Downstairs the men were taking the house apart Tipping out cupboards chucking the cushions off the couch then turning the couch over If you’re looking for money there isn’t any! Mammy shrieked from her room but they paid no attention until Imelda appeared on the stairs Then they all stopped and looked up
One had pulled out the phone One had the TV in his arms Lar was there among them waving his hands They all of them stopped and looked up at her
See what I found said the wolfish man from behind her
Ringed below her the men grinned up at her like she was a prize they’d found in a cracker barrel The lanky one was Golly’s age The ginger one about Christy’s The one with the slash hook about JohnJoe’s The boggle-eyed one Lar’s
The wolfish man was older He’d dragged her out by the hair He pushed her from behind and she started down the stairs Maybe there’s another way to settle this he said
Lar looked at her with his big white turnip of a head and his dark eyes as she came down and she looked away The men or boys stood aside like she was the guest of honour being escorted to a ball What’s going on? Mammy yelled from her bed but no one answered her They all followed Imelda and the wolfish man into the kitchen
There were plates on the table with half-eaten sausages and cups of cold tea On the radio Larry Gogan playing Boyzone on The Golden Hour like everything was normal and in her mind she tried to hook on to those normal things and not see the rest of it
Let’s have a look at you so The wolfish man turned her around and beheld her Well he said Haven’t you grown into a fine thing?
She said nothing After a moment he gave her a shake Haven’t you?
I don’t know she said
You have he said Your daddy was right about you He stared at her and it seemed like his eyes were covered in gunge like your teeth when you don’t brush them Not the eyes themselves but the look from them Where is your daddy? he said
She didn’t reply because she didn’t know the answer
Has he gone and left you he said His breath rolled up in her face On the radio the Just a Minute Quiz and away off upstairs Mammy yelling and Lar from out in the hall in a fake grown-up voice saying Now boys can we not settle this reasonably and outside glass still tinkling from Noeleen’s smashed window and the engines of the two vans that they’d left running All of it piled up together like a garbage heap of noise but inside her silence where she remained untouched
And in the silence the wolfish man close to her
Have you nothing to say to me
She didn’t reply She breathed through her nose trying to tamp down the fear for she knew it would only get him going but she couldn’t stop it The fear Flaring off her like the steam from a horse on a cold morning and it did she was right it did get him going got all of them going The fear or was it whatever was inside her the magnet the badness But she could tell though they didn’t move she could feel them drawn to her She could feel something opening up inside each of them and in their hands the slash hook the baseball bat the car jack the lump hammer and a Stanley knife which she only saw now but which scared her the most A Stanley knife in the hand of the boggle-eyed boy in a Superdry hoody who had not said a thing so far and she shivered though it was June and warm stifling even with all of them crammed into the tiny kitchen The quiz still going on the radio The picture of Jesus on the wall looking down sorrowfully pointing at his heart and the fear flaring off her and the magnet tugging out of her and coming back to her as a glistening in their eyes and terrible thoughts going through her head of the girls in Daddy’s magazines with their gowls so red like wounds from touching and Mammy’s own gowl that was busted and the Rose of Tralee committee that would want to check you and the knife twitching in the hand of the boggle-eyed boy that made her think all of a sudden that they would not only do what they would do but afterwards leave her marked for ever a punishment for all those hours mooning at herself in the mirror And in fear she tried to make herself smile at the wolfish man to please him But it had the opposite effect He darkened his mouth twisted and he said to her You must think you’re God’s gift
From upstairs Mammy started squealing like it was her they had taken and the wolfish man shouted over his shoulder Someone take care of this cat fuckin’ yowling in my ear then raising his voice I’ll give you something to yowl about you old bitch when we’re done with this one And one of them goes off up to Ma and with his arm the wolfish man swipes away everything that’s on the kitchen table plates cans bottles a carburettor they all went crashing to the ground and that too exploded in her head No! Lar shouts and he takes a swing at the ginger lad who just blinks like he’s walloped in the head ten times a day then hits Lar a smack that knocks him to the floor Lifts his bat over his head but the wolfish man says No let him see this And there is a screaming coming from somewhere then a hand clamps over her mouth and she knows it’s from her The hand tastes of grease Inside her head the screaming continues Mixing with the judder of the vans the still-falling glass Ma banging on the door of the bedroom upstairs And the hand twists her head back and other hands grab her arms and pull her back onto the table and others too take her ankles holding her down and she thinks of Daddy’s horses white-rolling their eyes Tugged onto the van by their blue ropes and then the wolfish man steps forward and pushes his fingers into her thighs and says By the time we’re done no one will ever want to look at you again and he squeezes his face up like the Devil come at last out of the mirror and pushes her thighs apart and then
And then the back door opens and Rose comes in
The wolfish man freezes with his hands on Imelda’s thighs and with the rest of them turns and stares while Rose waddles huffing and puffing right past them to the hall where she hangs up her coat Then back again by the table where they’re holding Imelda down to the counter where she heaves up two striped plastic bags and starts unpacking them Plants herbs of some kind One by one she lays them out on the draining board Only then when the bags are empty does she turn and look at the men Who’s this we have? she says and she screws up her eyes at them The Finlay boys is it Francis Bernard William Patrick John
The men don’t say anything to this
Is your mammy’s ankle better? says Rose I was out to her yesterday fortnight
The lanky fellow begins to say something but the wolfish man cuts him off
We’d be obliged if you would move along Rose he says We’ve business to attend to here
Rose does not reply Humming to herself she takes a cup from the draining board and rinses it then another cup Behind him the others are confused The wound-up energy of a moment ago slipped away though they’re still gripping her wrists and ankles
We’ve no quarrel with you Rose the wolfish man says It’s Paddy Joe we’re here for that done us out of a grand When she doesn’t reply he says impatiently Get her out of here
Before any of them move though Rose filling the kettle says over her shoulder Is that ye’re dog lads that’s out there barking in the front street?
The boys look at each other We’ve no dog with us Rose the lanky one says at last
Well that’s mighty strange Rose says because as I come in I seen a black dog sitting in the front street barking his head off like he was calling for somebody
There is a moment of silence while they think about this Silence yes because somehow the noise of the van engines has gone and the glass and everything else Mammy the radio But just as she realizes this a new sound breaks in A dog barking A savage sound like nails hammered into stone over and over
The wolfish man gives a nod and the gingery lad lets go her ankle and she hears him open the front door And for an instant the barking is louder than ever Seeming to shake the whole house Then the door closes and the gingery lad comes back again He is pale He says something that Imelda doesn’t hear One by one the lads go into the hall and finally the wolfish man unhooks his fingers from her and he goes too After a moment Imelda sits up on the table She doesn’t know should she get down or what She rearranges her skirt and she waits
Rose has put the kettle on and opened the cupboard She knows where the tea’s kept in every kitchen for ten miles round Mammy said once
The men come back into the room They seem disturbed It’s not ours says the lanky one
Rose pours water into the cups Well it’s looking for one of you boys it sounds like she says
Is it ye’re? the lanky one says to Imelda She shakes her head They’ve had no dog since Noeleen wrote to the council and Daddy had to take Butch into the shed
Is it a black dog? she asks
The men don’t reply It’s just a fucking dog! the wolfish man shouts like he’s lost his temper But the others don’t say anything to that either Maybe like Imelda they are thinking of stories they have heard Such as the black dog by the lake the day before the Gallagher boys fell through the ice Or the black dog Harriet Maguire saw when she was sick with the cancer though it was Rose who saw it first and told her and Harriet smiled for the first time in months And the black dog that appeared one night under Cawleys’ window and when Mary-Jo Cawley woke next morning their little girl that was bright as a button was stretched out cold
The men know like Imelda knows that as well as healing Rose sees things Looking in the patterns of tea leaves or birds flying or frost in the well she sees what will happen And sometimes what she sees is death
But does she only see it Or is it her seeing it makes it happen? There’s a question
Here’s what Lar said he saw when he went out to the hall The five lads were gathered around the open door which looked outside to the front street on which there sat Nothing
But the barking she said You could hear it
No nothing he said Not out there But they could They saw it They heard it That was the thing
Well you wouldn’t know with Lar who liked to tell stories himself but something clearly had passed in the hall which was why when they came back to the kitchen the boys were quiet and their hooks and their bats and their knives hung by their sides like they’d forgotten about them
You’d best be on your way lads Rose said gently and the back door was now mysteriously open and like they’d just been waiting for someone to tell them what to do they turned and filed out and did they go over the back wall to avoid the dog or round the side and over Noeleen’s Imelda didn’t know But when she looked out the front the van was gone and the other was too Rose pressed a cup of tea into her hands and gathered the plants she’d brought and went upstairs to Mammy
Imelda didn’t know what to do now When she went to the toilet she could still see the finger marks pressed into the insides of her thighs but apart from that she felt okay Lar had a big lump where the ginger-haired lad had hit him a smack Maybe you’ll start talking sense now Imelda said
When the guards came Rose told them it was men from out of town and Noeleen next door said the same Paddy Joe will get them breakages fixed for you Rose told her then off she went
It was the lanky boy that died six months later after getting a punctured lung from a screwdriver outside a lock-up in Gort
She must’ve known they were coming Lar said when Rose was gone It takes an hour to walk to ours from her place She must’ve left before the vans even got here
Wasn’t she coming to see Mammy? Imelda said It was just good luck
But Lar shook his head and Imelda didn’t believe it either
They were out in the yard in the twilight JohnJoe had come back and then gone out again for chips for them
It was a shame Daddy wasn’t there Lar said He’d have taught them fellas a thing or two
And the brothers too Not JohnJoe who’d run for it which was just like him but Golly and Christy Can you imagine Lar said Them lads coming in and meeting Daddy and Golly and Christy? It’d be a massacre
Yeah Imelda said and then Where do you think they were?
Who said Lar
Daddy she said And the boys
Lar thought about it They must of gone out on a job he said
As soon as he said it she knew that’s what it was When Daddy hears about it he’ll be raging she said Right Lar said Them lads better get out of town if they know what’s good for them
But it was Daddy who had gone away she learned Over to England with Golly and Christy He did not come back for weeks and in that time something else happened which is that Rose came back to the house and told her to pack her things because she was coming to stay with her
Imelda was surprised Does Mammy know?
But Mammy did know Rose said Mammy needed a room of her own now and she would go into Imelda’s when Imelda was gone
What about the boys? Imelda said What about him? she said pointing to Lar who was asleep in his clothes on the couch
He can look after himself said Rose So can they all
So Imelda packed her bag and went outside with Rose where there was a man waiting she had never seen before and she never saw him again after that and the only thing she remembered about him was that he had a car that the seats went up and down when you pushed a button and he drove them to Rose’s cottage
She had been there before of course when she was sick It was a proper little cottage like something from a story with snowdrops in January and daffodils in spring and a patch for vegetables and another for herbs to put in spells and remedies There was a rain barrel and a henhouse and a jam jar full of water and wasps that had drowned in it and a tiny scrap of land behind with a cow that would come over to the gate and lick your face There was an Infant of Prague in the windowsill and a crow’s wing nailed over the door
The cottage was far from anyone but Imelda was never afraid there Rose put her in the room where the lodger had been She said he was a teacher but under the bed Imelda found a suitcase full of parts of old phones or that’s what they looked like She showed it to Rose who said to leave it there in case he came back Where is he now? she asked and Rose said he had gone to England Have you ever been to England? Imelda said She had never been there and in her mind it was not a place at all but a kind of grey mist that people disappeared into and sometimes never came back out of But Rose just told her to stop her talking and chop the carrots
Rose was a healer Every mother in the county came to her when their baby had colic or wouldn’t go down She told fortunes too She knew people’s secrets Visitors called to the house at all hours with maladies or questions or just to talk Many of them called her Auntie as Mammy did too though whether she was all of their aunt or nobody’s Imelda couldn’t tell She had grey eyes and grey hair and it was impossible to imagine her ever being young She might have been there for a hundred years doling out poultices Laying hands on the dying
Well of course as soon as Daddy was back from wherever he’d been he came looking for her The van pulled up outside and he got out and banged on the door and though it hadn’t been so long since she’d seen him Imelda was struck by just how big he was Big and red with sunburn and filling up the doorway He told Rose she had kidnapped his daughter and he wanted her back
But Rose stayed calm and kept her arm across the door and said very coolly that the girl’s mammy had given her permission to take her from the house where it was not safe for her
Not safe? Daddy said How is it not safe?
Rose just looked at him She did not mention what had happened at the house with the Finlays
Who’s going to cook? Daddy said
So from then on Imelda lived with Rose
It wasn’t always easy Rose was strict Although she never locked her in her room she always made her go to school do her homework go to bed at half past ten The TV had only RTÉ and if no one called to have their fortune told or play cards they often sat there listening to the wind whistle through the holes in the roof
She often wondered was it really Mammy’s wish Rose take her Hard to imagine seeing as Mammy always took Daddy’s side But maybe she knew she was dying and that changed it Or maybe Rose knew and it was she decided and Mammy just went along
When she died Rose would not let Imelda go to the wake At the funeral Daddy’s face was red and sagging like a bag of mincemeat and JohnJoe wore his sunglasses inside the church Lar told her that none of them had slept and that Daddy had hit a bollard parking the van in town After they buried her they all went back to the house Daddy was drinking and started getting angry at Rose Told her it was time for Imelda to come back Didn’t care what promises she had made to Mammy A house needs a woman he said We’ll see Rose told him But when they got home to the cottage she shook her head and said to Imelda What woman needs a house like that
Still she started going back more often Every time the place looked worse Everything tipped everywhere as if the Finlay boys had come again and this time stayed Daddy in the middle of it He had barely left the house since the funeral Barely moved from the couch not even to go to the bookie’s just sat drinking in front of the TV watching his wedding video over and over Sit sit he’d say to Imelda when she came in Look look just as he did with his fights Only now it would be Mammy and him arriving at the church or kissing on the altar or dancing together at the reception Mammy from a distance chatting with her friends Checking her make-up Looking over her shoulder and smiling at whoever held the camera My Molly he would say tears rolling down his cheeks My Molly and then You filthy bleedin’ lowlife as the video player sent white lines up through everything O you rotten piece of junk LAR! as it groaned and spat out the tape and her brother would come scurrying in and try and get it working again
She knew he was beating Lar The marks were all over his face Golly and Christy too though they were bigger than him now and could surely have knocked him down if they’d wanted She alone could soothe him That’s why she came Then he turned on her too
They were sitting together watching the video and she said without thinking how beautiful Mammy looked Because she did You could see it even through the fuzz and the white lines It was just something she said every time they watched it Hadn’t bothered him before why would it But this time the moment the words crossed her lips she felt him stiffen and her heart sank
He leaned forward with a hiss Reached for the remote paused the video Then he turned and he looked at her and said Well of course she was Do you think you licked it off a fuckin stone
There was nothing she could say to that Still he waited like he expected an answer staring at her with bulging yellow eyes Then at last he turned back in disgust Picked up the remote Unpaused it but only for a second then paused it again
You have a lot of nerve he said and she blushed though she didn’t know what he meant For another long moment he stared at the screen at Mammy’s frozen face muttering to himself as if he was suddenly discovering something that had been hidden for years
She knew he was like this because he was grieving Just as Mammy had said the things she said because she was sick But she wondered So she had to keep coming to show him she was good Not one of the glamourpusses It didn’t work The more she did for him the worse he got As if he saw it all as a trick You showed your true colours when you moved into that cottage he said Abandoning your homeplace your family What kind of child does that I didn’t abandon you she said I’m here now amn’t I But that was not the same Daddy said She’d been bespelled he said That old witch She’ll turn you into a crone like herself and good enough for you
The brothers stayed out of his way lifting weights in the shed They were always saying they would leave or they would kill him One day he threw the frying pan at Lar and the grease burned his arm right up to the elbow One day she came and found the television on its back on the floor with the video recorder stoved through the screen
Rose forbade Imelda to visit It’s not safe she said Lar said it too Don’t come He’s not himself When she went to bed at night she found herself remembering Things she’d forgot had ever happened People running up and down and up and down the stairs in the middle of the night Lights flashing in the yard She remembered playing with her doll on the floor of a strange room Her brothers standing around or sitting on the beds A woman with her hand on Mammy’s shoulder speaking into her ear While from downstairs came a roaring The walls shaking like someone was trying to batter them down
No not safe Still she kept going Who else did he have with Mammy gone and anyway she knew he’d never harm her She knew he knew deep down that she was still his untouched princess
Then one day Lar called her up and said to come over What is it? she said She was alarmed because usually he would call to tell her not to come and this was the opposite But he wouldn’t say anything more
When she got to the house it was dead quiet Where are they? she said Gone said Lar Gone? she said Gone where? But he didn’t know He had come back from the shop and found the place deserted The van was gone and the washing off the line You think they’re off on a job? she said Dunno Lar said shrugging with his hands in his pockets
There was something off about him What’s up with you? she said Nothing says he But a big grin broke out across his face For a second the thought came to her that he might have done them in as they slept and they were lying upstairs with their heads split open but no that wouldn’t be Lar
What is it? she said again but still he would only keep giggling and not telling her till she got angry and turned on her heel to walk back to Rose’s but at the gate he called her back Look he said
He took his hand from his pocket and there was a wad of purple notes the size of a brick
Where’d you get that? she said and he shrugged and giggled again then when he saw she was about to lose it he pointed to the shed In there he said
In the shed? she said You went in there? She started towards it but he grabbed her arm
I want to see it she said She had never been in there It was the shed where Daddy had taken Butch that time But Lar shook his head not giggling now What’s in there? she said but he wouldn’t answer She looked again at his hand with the wad of notes How much is it? she said
Three thousand three hundred and twenty pound he said
She stared at him like he was winding her up but there it was in his hand How? she said and that was all she could say for a minute She was thinking of all the times there was nothing to eat All the times they stayed shivering in their beds because the heat was cut off Their shoes full of holes the roof full of holes the van half rust and with no reverse gear on it Mammy getting sick and not going to the doctor because there was no money to pay him
What will we do with it? Lar said
Put it back she said Her head was swimming The sight of it made her sick
Back? he said
He’ll find out she said She didn’t need to say what he would do
He left the lock off Lar said It could be anybody gone in and took it
But that didn’t matter He’ll have you in that shed like poor Butch she said Put it back Please Lar He could be on his way back this minute
All right all right he said But first he peeled some notes off the top We’re getting a night out from it at least he said
They bought ice creams in the garage then walked into town The evening was warm still The tar was soft under their feet Lar kept taking the money out of his pocket to look at it and then laughing His face was lit up like he’d been huffing polish When they got to town they couldn’t decide would they go to McDonald’s or to Burger King so they went to both After that they got a pack of John Player and a naggin of vodka and sat on the riverbank passing the bottle back and forth The sun was setting and the river reflecting it like a bonfire and watching the midges dance around in the fiery light over the water Imelda felt that there was some enchantment going on like the man that finds the door into the hill Or maybe it was just she was outside and free For when in her life had she ever been out with money and no Daddy or brothers to keep an eye?
Maybe they’ll never come back Lar said She laughed because they always came back
Imagine though Lar said Imagine not seeing him again He turned to look her in the eye as if he was asking her to really imagine it and her blood quickened because she knew what he was going to say
What if we took it
Took what she said though she knew
We could be gone he said We could take it and get away from here
Her heart pounded What are you talking about? she said Get away? Get away where?
England he said
She looked him in the eye He was grinning at her but behind it was something else and it dawned on her that he meant it
You wouldn’t dare she said
I would if you came with me he said
He’d come after us she said He’d kill us
He’d kill me Lar said I don’t know about you
He raised the bottle to his lips She saw the scar there on his arm from where the grease had burned him England’s big he said Much bigger than here We could go to London Change our names
Instantly ideas came into her head Crystal Scott Megan St James Ivy something she had always liked that name Ivy She looked at the river invisible now in the darkness and imagined Lar and her getting away and it being like this for ever The two of them free with no one to be afraid of And she felt a rush like the milkshakes and the cigarettes and the vodka all together all at once They could do it! The lock was off the door they had only to go through But then she saw it all yawn up in front of her London like a dark river The names like midges dancing in dizzying specks and disappearing I need to think she said
Right said Lar Only we’d need to do it soon To be sure we had a head start
Yeah she said
And if you went he said you couldn’t ever see him again
Right she said Suddenly she was tired talking about it Here she said are we going out or what? Will we go to Paparazzi’s? And they did and that as it turned out was the end of the London plan
She had never been to Paparazzi’s before Only heard the girls at school talk about it Pap’s they called it for short It was packed to the rafters and roasting hot with a smell of Lynx that would knock you down Inside her everything was dancing around from the naggin and all she knew now was that she had to keep the buzz going They bought Jägerbombs and necked them then Lar found a purse that had another fifty in it so they bought more Jägerbombs then went out onto the dance floor It was heaving She had to push her way through the bodies The townie girls wore so much tan it smeared your clothes if you brushed up against them while the lads all had shirts on tucked into their chinos because you couldn’t get in wearing a jersey Some of them were real slick but others had the crazed look of boggers from little far-flung villages Places Daddy would drive the van through without stopping Nothing you can sell to these people Daddy would say which was his greatest insult
Lar’s eyes were on stalks looking at the townie girls with their jabs hanging out and sweat pouring off them because it was melting in there A song came on she knew Wonderwall A cheer went up She closed her eyes and it was like she fell backwards into the music and it rose up to meet her then she opened them again and then there in the lightening darkening shifting mass of dancing bodies she saw one body was stood stock-still It was a boy Standing there looking at her Not in the gawping way of the chino lads and the boggers More like she was a puzzle he wanted to solve
He was handsome like a knight in a storybook
She looked to her left then to her right There was no Daddy No brothers Only Lar wearing the face off of some fatso in white jeans Nothing to stop the boy as he came towards her
It seemed the crowd parted to let him through Heads turned to follow him Even in the gammy light of Pap’s his eyes were clear blue like mountain pools and when she looked into them everything around seemed to dim to nothing like it had turned to steam
What’s a girl like you doing in this kip he said
Ha? she said not understanding because to her Paparazzi’s was like Buckingham Palace and the MTV awards rolled into one
He smiled asked her her name she told him Rachel Rice-Parkinson said she was from England London She didn’t know why she lied He smirked like he didn’t believe her He had a high opinion of himself she could tell And she found it hard to talk She kept thinking Daddy would reappear And she couldn’t help noticing all the townie girls making sheep’s eyes at him They were looking at him the same way the boys were looking at her though in fact the boys were looking at him too now and as they talked lads kept interrupting wanting to say something to him or buy him pints
Are ye some kind of pop star she said
He told her he’d scored the winning point in some match or other last week
Oh she said None of them at home followed the GAA Daddy had the racing on all the time
It’s not important he said though he liked that everyone else thought it was she could tell
You’re gorgeous he said I suppose everyone tells you that He made it sound like it was very boring of her She stared at him thinking how if her brothers were there he’d be on the ground now with three pairs of size ten boots stamping on him and he wouldn’t be smirking then but then he kissed her Very gently and she stopped thinking of anything She had disappeared turned into steam mixed in with the dry ice while her body careered pell-mell into sin
Then Lar was there yanking on her arm Eyes wide We’ve to go he said The security was after him for taking the purse
She pulled away from the boy Wait he said Give me your number but there wasn’t time Two big lads in Puffas were wading through the crowd towards them Please he said sounding desperate It was very romantic Lar tugged at her Come to the match! the boy called after I’ve a match next week in town Will you come Okay okay she said over her shoulder Promise? he cried but they were running already weaving through the tunnels of sweating bodies like rats till they escaped into the night
She didn’t say anything to Rose about him though she wondered if Rose knew already The day of the match she was still saying to herself would she go or wouldn’t she Even putting on her make-up she was debating it though she knew all along that she would
It was on in the next town over She didn’t want to go on her own so Lar said he’d come and they would get the bus together But the time came and Lar never appeared and when she called him he didn’t answer
Maybe he was angry at her for slowing down his plan she thought because he was still talking about that Going to England
If we’re doing it we can’t hang around that’s what he’d said
And he was right she knew Daddy could come back any day But she’d made a promise to the boy that she’d go to his football match Can we not wait till after that she said
What boy The fella you were shifting in Pap’s?
I wasn’t shifting him I didn’t shift anyone she said Just wait till Saturday After that I’ll go with you
What if after Saturday there’s another match Lar said His voice was low and sorrowing She thought again of the scars on his arm
After Saturday she said Just that one match I promise And she meant it even though in truth since meeting the boy she had thought very little about England or how they would get there or what they would do
But now Saturday was here and Lar was nowhere to be seen and if she didn’t leave now she would miss the bus She finished her make-up then looked in the mirror and took it off again then went outside to the gate to see could she see Lar but there was still no sign of him so she went back put her make-up on again then set off on her own for the bus stop Thinking of the boy Imagining the things she would say to him Darling I must leave here and you cannot follow me Enjoying the sadness of it When she felt coming over her a kind of a chill a shadow then realized it was more of a sound Then knew what it was and who as it slowly drew up alongside her And the window rolled down
Where are you off to done up like a brasser? Daddy said
His arm was rested on the rolled-down window There was a new tattoo of a woman’s face that she realized was supposed to be Mammy Behind him one two three brothers staring out at her Oh she said trying to sound glad to see him Just doing some messages
Hop in Daddy said I’ll give you a lift
The van was dark Stinking of damp though the weather had been sunny for days When she got in she saw Lar was in the back Sitting in the shadows looking at his hands No one was talking The door slammed shut Where is it you’re going? Daddy said
She had to tell him then What choice had she Either she lied and never saw the bonny boy again or she told the truth and opened the door to who knew what
I was going to a football match she said She looked straight ahead to avoid Daddy’s eye
A football match? he said What has you going to a football match?
She wondered if he already knew If Lar had told him out of spite or to save his own skin What difference did it make anyway It was all ruined The boy and the plan both Lar was right They should have gone that day as soon as they had the money
A friend of mine is playing in it she said I told him I’d go see him
There was silence She could feel the brothers’ eyes glow like jackals in a forest
But Daddy said only A match is it Sure we’ll all go Why not?
The grounds when they got there were small and smelled of pee But there were lots of people making noise Singing songs and letting out roars Rowdy in a good-natured way Everyone was wearing jerseys and scarves Some had braided strings in the team colours around their heads too and there were girls that had those same colours daubed on their cheeks which actually looked quite well she thought You had to pay in which when Daddy found that out he sent the brothers back to the van
The teams came out and her heart skipped when she saw her boy She wondered would he look for her among the crowd but in fact he did not lift his eyes away from the pitch the whole length of the game Still she flushed whenever he came close to where they stood and when the crowd cheered him When they called out his name she felt a pride in her heart even though she didn’t know what was going on
Nor did Daddy He kept asking questions Who’s that fella now? Why’s your man blowing his whistle? Was that a goal? But he noticed her boy God he’s a fair turn of speed that wiry fella he said That’s him she said That’s my friend That’s Frank Christ but he’s fast Daddy said Then he cupped his hands around his mouth and he bellowed Go on Frank! Around them everyone was shouting the same thing Go on Frank! She shouted it too He had already made it to the far end of the pitch So fast so graceful That’s Maurice Barnes’s boy people said to each other
Afterwards when the whistle blew he stood at the sidelines in a welter of people The crowd was moving for the gate She told Daddy she was going to the toilet and she’d meet him outside Then she slipped down and waited for her moment
They had won the match There was a mob of supporters wanting to talk to him and shake his hand Girls too but none you’d look twice at He was in the middle of them Covered in mud Breathless laughing His eyes so bright Next to him the fans looked pale and wispy even with their meaty chops and their hay hair and the lipstick scrawl on their cheeks Just like that night in the club when everything around him had turned to steam But here he was real in the daylight and she knew that she had been wrong to make her promise to Lar because she could never leave now after seeing him again
But there were so many people crowding around him and she began to think who was she to talk to such a person She who lived in a cottage with an outdoor toilet He hadn’t seen her yet Next time she thought and she bowed her head and ducked away
She wanted nothing more than to go home then and cry in her room for a while but Daddy had decided he wanted a pint People were heading to Coady’s he said She told him she was tired Begged him to take her home but he said they’d just stay for one and she had no choice but to go along hoping to God Coady’s wasn’t one of the places he was barred from because sometimes he’d forget though the barmen never did
The pub was jammed full of people in the scarves and jerseys of the two teams Daddy sent Lar up for the drinks and they stood together in a little ring Daddy banging on at the top of his voice about the game So loud that even in the packed pub people kept looking over and she was ashamed How could one man not know so much And if he didn’t know why couldn’t he stop talking about it Her head ached She was realizing then what she’d known in her heart That it was impossible It could never have worked There would be no next time She would not see the boy again
Then a hand gripped her arm and she turned and it was him
And like that night in the club everything melted away His eyes were like stars There in the crowd It was just the two of them You’re here he said You came
I thought you were gone he said I saw you after the match I was calling your name didn’t you hear me?
Oh yeah no she said Now that she thought of it someone had been calling Rachel She’d forgotten that was her She blushed she laughed he laughed He was perfect
Then from somewhere very far away it seemed she heard a voice Daddy’s voice You look very familiar he said peering down at the boy Are you not that lad that was playing in the match
The boy looked up in shock Seeing for the first time the lairy faces ringed around him The brothers with their gobs stuffed full of chips She could have sunk into the ground But he kept his cool I am he said Frank he said and stuck out his hand
Good game Daddy said Wish I’d stuck a few bob on it Horse racing would be more my line
Sport of kings Frank said and Daddy liked that and started gabbing away to him about the Gold Cup
She had never seen Daddy like this Usually any man came within ten feet of her Daddy would be rolling up his sleeves ready to put the frighteners on him But it was like he thought Frank was there for him not her He never stopped to wonder why the brilliant athlete the miraculous young sportsman beloved of the whole town should be there hanging on his every word and buying him pints That was Frank’s gift That’s what she learned about him He’d talk to anyone A duke or a derelict And when he did he made them think they were the only ones in the world A gift yes A curse too because all of those people thought they had a claim on him But she didn’t know that yet and listening to the two of them she would have begun to think that it was in fact Daddy Frank had come over to talk to only that every so often he’d steal a glance at her and there would be a shock ran through her and he’d smile and she’d smile and she knew
But then the crowd parted and a man appeared
He looked like something out of The Godfather A head of silver hair slicked back An enormous coat you could fit two or three people in A pink tie A polka-dot handkerchief poking out of his top pocket Someone who had made money it was plain and wanted you to know it He comes up to them this fella and fixes them with an eye like he’d caught the servants drinking his sherry And Daddy’s speech that he’s making dies away in his mouth and there’s silence
Howdy Pops says Frank
Pops who was Maurice of course doesn’t reply at first Just looks at the bloody rogue’s gallery of Imelda and her family clearly thinking to himself Who in the name of Christ is this shower and why are they talking to my son Then he huffs at Frank Finish up now as we will be dining shortly
Ah hold your hour says Daddy and he reaches out a hand to stay him Come and have a drink with us first
Maurice looks down at the hand Daddy’s hand on the expensive wool coat and if he’d been sprayed with toxic gas he couldn’t have looked more disgusted Frank meanwhile is grinning away to himself as if this is the height of comedy and in that moment she sees how it is
Now no one at that point in time would have called Imelda canny or shrewd or anything of that nature Far from it But there in Coady’s pub beholding them both father and son a voice in her head said to her Here’s where your work is girl This is the one who calls the shots He’s the one you’ve to get on your side
Clear as a bell she heard it and that was before she knew who he was or anything about him She didn’t know anything about anything then But she could see well enough he was a self-made man A man on the up who would most definitely not let the likes of Imelda Caffrey drag down his family’s good name His son might find it romantic or entertaining to associate with outlaws He did not no sir And if there was a battle over it he would win
Outside the clouds had parted The sun fell crookedly through the window showing up the thinning crowd Maurice got impatient That’s enough now he said sharply Let’s get going And she could tell that he was all set to yank his son out by the ear and that that would be the end of it
And she stepped out into the light
She lit off her stool and over to Daddy Started adjusting his shirt collars Fussing at him O Daddy you’ve this buttoned all wrong As if it was something she did all the time Not heeding the other man the other father But knowing he heeded her Watching without looking as he drank her in As the sun snared in her hair and blazed up gold As she moved through the light falling through the dust-streaked window Then she turned to him and smiled with a roll of the eyes And Maurice was caught He was a ladies’ man A connoisseur She found she knew that too
Well he says in quite another tone of voice And who is this
This is my daughter Imelda says Daddy That is the Sunday in every week to me and the image of her poor mother that we buried in the spring
Maurice took her hand Charmed he said Gold watch looming up from his hairy wrist like a shining mechanical eye Then glanced at it I suppose we have time for a quick half
Yes they both understood it right there She and Frank though they barely knew each other they could see that if they were ever to have a chance they needed to keep the fathers happy And so they did Frank beguiled Daddy Just as Imelda beguiled Maurice Both knowing it bound the two of them together too But that was good Though they hardly knew each other They wanted to be bound
And that was how it went from then on Frank took care of Daddy She took care of Maurice A little was all it needed Then they were left free to fall in love
And love was what it was There was never any doubt about it Though it wasn’t the falling-off-a-cliff feeling she’d always expected Not a plummet More like a leaf dawdling down to earth in swoops and circles They were always happy That was how it felt Pure and simple when they were together they were happy and from that first day they were together all the time Drinking in Coady’s or in Finnegan’s or in the Banister She could match him pint for pint the one good thing she got from Daddy Or else just drunk on each other Kissing in a car parked down a wood path Walking through the shopping centre eating crisps Every day a blur a haze of laughs and kisses He’d carry her on his shoulders She’d try and cut his hair All the time the two of them laughing laughing It felt like an enchantment but it was real From out of a shift in Paparazzi’s she and he The rich boy and the girl from the back arse of nowhere It should have been impossible It was all so easy
After that first time they did their best to keep Maurice and Daddy apart Sometimes nonetheless at a match the two men would meet and her heart would be in her mouth that Daddy might start gassing about for instance his experiences as a horse breeder meaning the poor nags he’d bring over in the van from his cousin in Lincolnshire Or his interest in classic cars meaning the Datsun he’d had up on the blocks since forever waiting on parts But Maurice would always have a dinner reservation or something like that so he never had a chance to get going And though he was always saying they should all get together and though Maurice always made a point of asking her about her father as he might say the chairman or the Monsignor it never happened The fact was that Maurice didn’t want to see Daddy and Daddy wasn’t quite fool enough to want to rock the boat
Because here at last was the millionaire he’d been dreaming of
Frank’s father had a car business right in the middle of town It had his name on it Maurice Barnes Motors and on any day of the week you’d walk past and see him in the showroom with his gold cufflinks on and his silver hair swept back Talking to a customer like a king to a peasant Frank worked there too in Sales They were raking it in he said Everyone was falling over themselves buying new cars all he had to do was open the shutters in the morning and he’d have half the fleet sold by lunchtime There was that much money about he said it was almost like the cars were driving out by themselves
Frank was always taking the mick out of the old man for his ways but he liked to flash the cash himself Always wore designer jeans designer shoes designer sunglasses A Tommy Hilfiger jumper out of Shaws with a good shirt underneath Had his own little phone he carried around in his pocket If you didn’t know him you’d want to give him a puck in the gob At work he wore a suit and he looked like an FBI agent from TV She could see him in there too In the showroom talking to customers Talking to people was all they ever seemed to do That’s the job he said
She couldn’t figure that but they must have been good at it him and Maurice because they lived in the biggest house she had ever seen It had no number only a name Goldenhill It used to belong to an earl or a lord or something like that There was a meadow behind it and a big woods like you’d have in a story
Inside the house just went on and on Maurice took her round one day Everywhere you looked there were things Shiny things china things little tables to put the things on Ornaments and knick-knacks and picture frames A family portrait A stuffed fox Couches and chairs and ottomans covered with throws and blankets and cushions Layers and layers of everything in a way that reminded her actually of Daddy’s sheds though that was wrong because this was all the very best And furthermore they wouldn’t just have the one of whatever it was they’d have a load of them just lying around or piled up in a cupboard or one of the rooms upstairs More ottomans More Air Maxes More tennis rackets some still with the tags on If you liked red wine this bottle was sixty years old If you liked cartoons they had all the films on video and a framed photograph on the wall of the boys holding Mickey Mouse’s hand at Disneyland That’s before you got into the watches and bracelets and necklaces because they had all that too Her eyes were on stalks even if she didn’t know what most of it was
Not bad for a lad from Piggery Lane Maurice said That was one of his catchphrases He’d point to his trophies and say with a shrug Decent enough for a lad from Piggery Lane
Peggy didn’t like it when he said that She was not from Piggery Lane
But you had to hand it to him For all his grand talk and show-offery he’d done it He’d come from nothing and made all this He hadn’t sat around moaning about the bad hand life dealt him Instead he had seen his opportunity and he’d taken it She respected that
She always liked Maurice in fact She understood how some people couldn’t stand him but the two of them always got on She knew he thought she was trying to get her hooks into his son and she knew he knew she knew But with a man like that the knowing was part of the game and the way that she played was to pretend she was trying to get her hooks into him instead and he into her Oh Maurice you’re a scream! she’d say when he made a joke Or Maurice Barnes you’re wicked! and she’d slap his hand when he held on to hers too long Other times like if there was a GAA reception Frank had to go to or some other grand event she’d look into his eyes and say But Maurice you’ll be there too won’t you? Or if they were in a restaurant Maurice what does this word mean? And point at the word in the leatherbound menu with her eyes wide and vacant and he’d gaze into them with delight like a miser at his treasure Langoustine darling he’d say with his face lit up gold by her Langoustine it’s a type of lobster
Where had she learned to act that way? How did she know what he wanted her to say? A sophisticated man like that and she who was always the quiet one The only girl in a house full of cavemen farting and punching each other? Sometimes it would worry her that she knew how She would think of what Mammy said about her I see who you really are But none of it meant anything It was only pretending Except that it made Maurice like her So it meant an awful lot Because he did like her she could tell Whatever else he made of her
Peggy was different
Peggy was complicated Speaking to her was like a game of chess Frank had taught Imelda draughts and now he was doing chess with her and so she knew Maurice was draughts Black v white Man v woman A battle that was fast and only for the crack Peggy was chess A game that Imelda didn’t know why would anyone even want to play it
It was Peggy who had invited her to the house that first time After they’d been together a couple of months When Frank told her she felt like she’d swallowed a bucket of ice What for? she said That made him laugh She wants to meet you that’s all Why wouldn’t she
She couldn’t sleep all week She asked Rose had she a potion or a spell she could cast on her On Frank’s mother Rose just pursed her lips To be honest Imelda didn’t know that Rose was all that gone on her seeing Frank
Maybe she just wouldn’t go she thought Say she was sick or Daddy was sick But even then early on she knew there were countless girls Frank had gone through and forgotten about They would sidle up to him in the pub looking bashful ashamed though it was he who had dropped them She felt sorry for them At the same time determined she would not be like them They had never been invited to Goldenhill for dinner
Peggy hadn’t come to the match that first time In fact she never came to Frank’s games She got too anxious Frank told her They made her physically sick Imelda thought that was incredibly glamorous So the first time she met her was there at the house
She was grey-haired though she was not old Quiet Kept herself off to the side or in the background
At dinner Maurice did most of the talking Telling Imelda about his successes and the places he’d been while Frank horsed down food and Dickie the brother sighed and sniffed and Imelda kept smiling and tried not to drop anything But then like a shark Peggy would swim up out of the deep
So what are your plans Imelda?
Imelda clamped in her shark’s jaws just gaped Plans?
Now that you’re finished school What do you intend to do
Oh I gotcha Imelda said nodding in the hope this might be enough But Peggy waited with her bird-head tilted gazing at her and her fairy-godmother smile while Imelda turned redder and redder
Mam don’t be interrogating her! Frank said laughingly As though it was all a joke
I simply want to get to know her Peggy protested Is she thinking of college Has she a career in mind I’m interested that’s all in how she imagines her future How do you see it dear?
Plans the future yes they loved all that talking about what would they do Where would they go Next week next month the Christmas holidays The best hotels best beaches best resturants Talking talking Piling it up like more stuff in boxes to go in the spare room And when she listened she realized that this was what made them different Because in her house there was never a plan No thought for the future Life just came at you like a gang of lads getting out of a van
From the hall the grandfather clock ticked like the slow beat of a drum She looked from one pair of eyes to the other and she thought Who are you? What am I doing here?
Then at last Maurice stepped in Imelda lives in the moment don’t you darling he said And I can’t think of a better place for her to be
And he kissed her on the top of her head and got to his feet Now he said Dessert!
So that’s how it was She needed Maurice to like her not just for himself but to ward off Peggy Maurice never asked her about her background or her plans anything like that He knew that if he disapproved of her it would only encourage Frank Also he liked flirting with her so he had decided to let Frank sow his wild oats
But Peggy could see there was more to it than wild oats She was keeping a watchful eye And of course Maurice liking Imelda turned Peggy against her all the more
It was all lost on Frank The questions the little digs You’ll stay safe won’t you as Imelda was getting in the car for Frank to drive her home Seat belts I mean These roads are very treacherous
Treacherous yes Such a beautiful house so warm such lovely food and hospitality She always dreaded going there Always such a relief when she could leave
But maybe he saw it too The first time she brought him back to her home she warned him It’s not like yours mind With all fuckin’ turrets and what have you
And he laughed and said Thank God for that
She didn’t want to bring him at all The thought of him seeing even the front yard gave her the chills But Daddy was starting to nag at her Are you hiding him away from us? Is it ashamed of us you are?
Frank didn’t care about the front yard He liked it there Sitting down in the kitchen with Daddy and the brothers and cracking open a can He said it was like the shebeens he’d drink in sometimes up in the hills And Daddy liked it too of course because Frank would always come over in some new car he’d taken off the lot He’d roar up outside and the neighbours would peep out their windows to see And Daddy would come huffing down the drive looking very important and start talking to Frank in a loud voice about specs and camshafts and then loudly Come in come in! And in they would go and sit at the table and the brothers would come and join them there as if it was a normal kitchen in a normal house and tell stories about high-jinks and characters they’d met just as normal people might until as she had at Goldenhill with Frank’s parents she found herself looking at them and thinking Who are you Where am I
Your brothers are real characters Frank would say afterwards They’re gas
Only Lar hung back While they were sitting drinking he’d be around but doing something Making sandwiches or tidying or something
After the first match when Daddy was just back she’d told him to go himself Take the money before Daddy noticed the lock was off the shed and get out of there to London or wherever But she knew he wouldn’t not without her And he hadn’t And since then they didn’t talk so much
But it was Daddy who was most changed that had been in a slump ever since Mammy died but now was in the best form she’d seen him And it was all thanks to Frank! Daddy couldn’t get enough of him Just thinking about him made him happy He’d be sitting back in his chair Quiet then suddenly he’d say something like You know what That Frank’s a real gent then go back into his thoughts Smiling to himself He’d started shaving again Taking care of himself in case Frank might call round
It wasn’t only the money either that he thought might be coming his way They had a connection as he saw it They were sportsmen
Sportsmen Yes It had never crossed her mind But Daddy was keen that Frank know all about it He’d tell long stories about his fights The pressure How you’d be that close to giving up You know how it is Frank he’d say I do sure enough Mr Caffrey Frank would say
So when Frank came to whisk her off in his fancy car with dealership plates there wasn’t a meg out of him The lovebirds he’d say and he’d chuckle The same man who kept a crowbar in his van to show to any fella who might think of walking her home Lads are only after one thing he’d say
Well maybe it was the money he was thinking of and that’s why he left her go off with him or maybe he thought Frank the gent was too saintly ever to dream of such a thing If that was it he could think again that boy did not stop
He liked to drive down to the lake with her in the big A6 saloon That was his favourite because you could push down the seats and it was like being on a double bed there by the waterside She’d know whenever he pulled up in the A6 he was looking for it though the fact was she told him he’d have a better chance if he took her out in the TT even if there was less comfort
Yes in the TT by the water with the sun going down in his eyes and her hand in his hair and his head on her heart Then it was hardest Everything in her wanted to give herself to him Her boy her beloved
But she kept remembering what Mammy said The badness inside her If she was touched would it come out
Soon she said
It’s okay he told her We’ve loads of time
Yes time the future The world to him was a palace of wonders Every nook full up of treasure adventure Just waiting for him to find it
He was working in the garage but he didn’t plan on staying there I don’t want the old man breathing down my neck the rest of my life he said He’d made a business plan with his friend Dolly Some kind of Fantasy Football thing they were going to put on computers She could never make head nor tail of it but Frank was convinced they were about to hit the jackpot
Dolly was the numbers man A genius Frank said It was he had the computers sussed out She never figured out why he was called Dolly He wore a woolly hat the whole year round and the one time he took it off she saw his hair was going in tufts like a dog with mange He didn’t look like a doll or a genius either But that was Frank He saw the best in everyone
Still and all she couldn’t see why he wanted to get out of the garage when he was doing so well out of it Maurice won’t be there for ever will he she said He’ll retire some day Hasn’t he his money made
But Maurice wanted Frank’s brother to take over when he stepped down It had all been arranged Right now Dickie was home for the holidays but in October he’d be going back up to Dublin studying Business for to get ready for it
And there’d be nothing for you? she said Once he took over?
There might be a job but it wouldn’t be the top job and Frank didn’t want to be under anybody’s thumb
Not that he held it against Dickie This was Maurice’s plan not either of theirs Frank idolized his brother He was always talking about him How clever he was The smartest man you’d ever meet though that didn’t cut much ice with her after him telling her Dolly was a genius Who had set himself on fire once doing a bong Dickie mightn’t be as bad as that but he’d never made much of an impression when she met him at the house Two years older than Frank but it was Frank who seemed the man of the world while Dickie barely even opened his mouth Had his nose in a book most of the time Never came to Frank’s matches even because supposedly he had an ear condition that was set off by the crowd noise
You mean he gets sick when he hears people cheering for you she said but Frank didn’t seem to find anything strange about that And in the end it was none of her business Families One’s as mad as the other you can’t interfere And who knows they might have worked it out between them Frank Maurice and Dickie The garage was not the problem in the end nor was it Daddy nor Peggy It wasn’t even she herself
The problem was the football
Everyone said Frank’s team was the best the town had had in years
They had won eight matches in a row Racked up a record number of points And though people said it was too early to talk about the All-Ireland they talked about it nevertheless
Now Imelda didn’t know one end of a ball from the other and until then she’d never imagined how obsessed an entire town could be about lads playing football Wherever you went you heard the same conversation Would Joe Blah’s knee hold up Did Seanie Whatshisface deserve another crack at a starting place Had they a chance of making it to the next round
It was like a fever that had driven everybody mad and she thought they were all crackers till she caught it too and then she was just like the others tossing and turning at night over cruciate ligaments and points per game
Every weekend there was a match and they would go herself and Daddy in the van to the bockety stadium in town or some other even more godforsaken prison-yard of a place off somewhere beyond Frank said the rules were too boring to explain to her but she copped on quick enough herself Figured out the teams and rounds and bainisteoirs just like she’d figured out langoustines and cashmere coats and she stood on the sideline and screamed until she had no voice left at all
People said Frank had a gift
They talked about his stamina and his technical mastery His precision kicking and his ideal physique What they meant was he was fast Tricky to catch When he kicked the ball it went where he wanted He’d slip by his markers without seeming to try It was a joy to watch people said and it was A joy too to see the town lifted up and thrilled by this boy Her boy The doleful old mugs bursting out with smiles Yes when he was on the pitch everything was perfect
The problem was the game didn’t end with the final whistle Everyone had an opinion they needed to pass on to him Everyone wanted to buy him a pint or shake his hand In the pub On the street They would come up to him they would crowd round him
Everybody wanted a little piece Their share of the magic
It surprised her to find herself playing second fiddle She the great beauty But that’s how it went The lads lining up stammering and blushing it was for Frank not her and as for the girls well they wished her dead in a ditch And personally she wouldn’t have minded But for Frank it was hard Talking and talking Drinking and drinking Though he loved to talk and he loved to drink it took its toll All the love All the hands slapping his back
There was a time when none of these people wanted to know me he told her once He didn’t explain and she couldn’t work out what it meant Did he want them slapping his back or did he see through it or did he think both things at once But it struck her for the first time that for all that he liked everybody and they all liked him he was lonely Maybe that’s why the two of them got on so well she thought that had never had friends either In school the other girls jealous of her or looking down on her or scared off by her family
He was happiest she knew when it was just the two of them and she learned how to tell when he’d enough of his fans and find a way to pull him free
There were some people though he could not slip away from
Why did you kick for a point when you had a clear shot on goal? Why did you go for a goal when you had two men free in the centre? Why did you let their defence close you down like that the whole second half? Yes everyone had an opinion But Maurice had an opinion twenty-four hours a day At work Frank was getting it At home too Gameplans Strategy Training he was always on about that I suppose in training they’ve got you working on your kicking? I imagine they’ve said to you in training about building up your core?
Frank never responded except to nod or mumble and look about for something to distract himself with The only time she ever saw him pick up a book was when Maurice started talking about training
I know he thinks I’m going hard on him Maurice would say to her I just want him to make the most of the opportunity he has here He thinks life will be full of moments like this It won’t
Let’s face it he said Frank is a great lad But he’s a waster A kick up the hole does him no harm at all
And it was true indeed Frank could be lazy How many times did he miss coaching his under-10s because he was lying in bed with a hangover With his own training too he’d be late or skip sessions Knowing he’d get away with it because he was their best player Maybe Maurice was right and he did need a kick up the hole But when he said he only wanted Frank to excel his two favourite words that wasn’t the whole truth for it was Maurice who loved the cheers and victories The glasses hoisted The car horns honking in the street It was he cared who was man of the match or if the county manager was there in the crowd When people said That’s Maurice Barnes’s son he’d swell up As if Frank’s speed and his kicks and his ideal physique were just another part of him Like the enormous coat and the enormous car and the enormous house with its breakfast room and its sessile oak forest and its piano that no one played
Well so what? she said when Frank complained He’s your father He’s proud of you Isn’t that only normal
It’s got nothing to do with him Frank would say Or he’d curse or change the subject
But once he said If he’s so proud of me why won’t he give me the job at the garage
The garage she said What’s that got to do with it?
But it had everything to do with it
The dealership was the club’s sponsor Maurice’s name was on every shirt When Frank excelled on the pitch he was advertising the business The same one Maurice had decided he was not good enough to run himself Because Frank was the athlete and Dickie was the brains
She tried to talk him out of it Who cared about Maurice? Wasn’t he playing for himself For the team? Because Frank lived to play football Was never happier than when he was out on the pitch But the more that Maurice nagged at him the more Frank came to feel like he was only doing it to please his father And he didn’t want to please his father
The team was doing well now the best they’d ever done They beat the county favourites Clonabree handily Had a record score against Oolagh Frank was at the heart of each win Though by now the opposition thought they had him pegged Had sussed out his tricks and his moves He’d just invent new ones each time New tricks new moves Breeze past them as he always had and the team cruised along in his wake to the county final against St Fursey’s where he scored a goal and could have had two or three
That was the first time they’d been county champions There was a parade with the team waving out the back of a flatbed truck The whole town out on Main Street all going balubas Jaysus lads we’ll make Croke Park yet that’s what they were saying But not him
He made it look easy but it wasn’t she knew The youngest on the team carrying all that weight it took its toll and the dossing the messing skipping his practice all that was only a way of hiding how hard it was Now they were through to the provincials he couldn’t hide it any longer If people came up to him and started in on their theories he’d cut them short We’ll see he’d say We’ll do our best And then he’d shuffle off
But from Maurice there was no escape
The provincial championship he’d say over dinner This is the big time all right
You’ve had an easy run of it so far he’d say This will be your first time facing a team of real ability
Imelda did her best to change the subject Hasn’t it got awful warm she’d say or Are those begonias Peggy those blue things but it didn’t work
The cream of the crop The best in their county he’d say Yes this’ll sort the men from the boys all right
And Frank in response would say nothing at all just stare at his plate Turn his mashed potatoes over and over
As the day drew closer he started acting strange Going in on himself She couldn’t say anything to him for fear he’d bite her head off For instance if she told him not to worry that those lads out of Ballyray were only a bunch of posers he’d turn on her Start telling her that Ballyray were in fact probably the best club in the country right now Better prepared Technically more advanced On and on wagging his finger at her like a guard giving her a ticket
But if she told him on the other hand that if he lost it wouldn’t be so bad because at least the two of them would have some time to themselves he didn’t like that either Jesus Christ Imelda are you trying to demotivate me? he’d exclaim and throw his hands in the air
He stopped going to Coady’s He ate his lunch in the workshop in the garage and if she wanted to see him she had to go in there or up to the house She could understand that Wanting to have his space but then he stopped going to training He’d disappear for hours she didn’t know where He’d got her a phone like his but he never answered when she called him He was off in another world and she started to think was there more going on here than the football The thought came to her that he was seeing someone else on the sly One of the moony sidling girls from the pub who’d give him the ride She felt sick Heartbroken at the same time She’d been so busy worrying about Maurice and Peggy she never thought anything could go wrong between the two of them She didn’t know what to do She couldn’t ask him So she tried asking Rose Is he cooling on me? Is there someone else?
But Rose if she knew anything wouldn’t tell her I’m not getting into that stuff with you was all she’d say Instead she found out from Dolly
Imelda had forgotten all about Dolly and Frank’s supposed business She hadn’t seen him in months But he came to her now and told her how a few weeks ago he’d met a lad from Sligo who was selling a load of hash It was the deal of the century he told her He’d gone to Frank and together they went in on a kilo and the plan was to sell it on and use the money to invest in their business Only instead of selling it they’d been smoking it themselves
Dolly’s skin was coming off in patches When he told her that she wanted to hit him a smack but she stayed cool
There was an old shed in the woods behind Frank’s house he said They kept the hash there in a hole in the floor Went out together to smoke But what had started to happen was that Frank was going there on his own I’m getting worried about him he said That’s why I came to you
Well thank you kindly for that she said knowing that Dolly’s main concern was that there’d be none left for him The worst of all the false friends he was Still it explained where Frank had been and about his moodiness He never smoked usually because it made him depressed But he didn’t want to go to the pub she supposed and have to listen to half a dozen gobshites explaining tactics to him
There was a great big forest behind Goldenhill that had belonged to the lord or whoever it was back in the day Maurice was very proud of it He liked to walk around it Pointing to ‘notable trees’ with his stick
The shed was right in the middle A tumbledown stone hut barely more than a ruin Frank had brought her out there once ‘for a picnic’ he’d said which she knew well what that meant Here? she’d said Are you mad? It was a strange sad little place with holes in the walls and a dirt floor Cold and dark even in the sunshine Some places are like that Always with a shadow on them
The thought of him sitting there alone hour upon hour made her sick But if she went down and dug him out of there herself she knew he’d only give out to her More nagging he’d say the last thing he needed
That’s when she thought again of Rose
Rose could tell him she thought Rose could see How the game would go Would they win or lose He’d know what to expect It would ease his mind
Tricky enough to arrange all the same Frank and Rose didn’t get on Maybe she was shy of him because of his fast cars and his Ray-Bans or maybe she knew he made jokes about her Called her Gypsy Rose Whenever he was over anyway she’d clam up look away Wander out to the turf shed and leave her tea to go cold Which made Frank awkward in turn Frank who could talk to anybody Guards gougers nurses nuns Whatever eejit he found propping up the bar of Coady’s With Rose he was tongue-tied Clumsy After a while he stopped coming into the cottage at all If he was picking Imelda up he’d stay outside in the car and honk the horn
So when she said it to Rose first she knew well she’d try and put her off and she did But Imelda kept chipping away
To Frank she didn’t reveal her plan at all Only told him Rose needed a dresser moved Even then he was full of excuses I’m up to my eyes he told her when she knew for a fact he’d been off in his shed the whole day
At last though he came over and he did shift the dresser from one side of the room to the other That part worked out well enough all right Then as they were on their way out the door she said it as if it had just popped into her head
Oh here Frank she said Why don’t you ask Rose about the match?
Rose was rattling about in the background pretending she wasn’t listening
Ask her he said Ask her what?
Ask her will you win What’ll happen just ask her she said Go on for the laugh
Frank looked like he didn’t think this would be a laugh but she kept at him Go on seeing as you’re here She won’t do me All right all right he said
She bustled him over to the table then called to Rose and asked if she’d read his palm Rose didn’t want to do it though she’d agreed It took Imelda grabbing her by the shoulders and steering her over to the table and there finally they were sitting across from each other
On the TV the lottery was on Ronan Collins pulling balls out of the drum and Frank said Forget the match Why don’t you give us next week’s numbers Rose
Rose pretended not to hear kept her eyes on the television
Hush Imelda told him Give her your hand she said
He stretched his arm across the table Rose with a face on her took it turned it over looked at his palm
I’m afraid those blisters are from self-abuse he said But your niece is the one to blame there
Frank for Jesus’s sake Imelda said That’s not funny
I’m only teasing
Well stop teasing Ask her something
Like what? Frank said
The match you gobdaw Ask her will you win
Well Frank says to Rose
You have to ask her yourself
Frank rolled his eyes but then he took a deep breath For a moment there was silence and he sat there with his hand in the old woman’s There’s something else I want to ask her he said His voice was different now About the future There’s only one thing I really want to know
And Imelda’s heart began to dance
He leaned closer across the table and he said Will I meet a tall dark stranger
With a sigh Rose let go his hand Got up from the table and stalked outside He’s only joking! Imelda said Rose! She turned to Frank Why are you being such a prick? she said It only made him laugh more She swore went out the kitchen door Rose was in the yard scattering grain over the paving stones He was joking Imelda said It’s cos he’s worried about this match
Chuck chuck chuck Rose said to her hens not looking up
Did you see anything? she said Are they going to win? Will you come back in?
But Rose wouldn’t answer or even meet her eye
Christ she thought Stamped back into the kitchen What is your problem she said to Frank
Look I’m sorry he said But I’ve things to do What are you doing dragging me over here when you know I don’t believe in this nonsense
It’s not nonsense she said
You seriously believe your aunt can see the future Frank said Look at where she’s living It’s like a hundred years ago
Couldn’t you have asked her anyway What harm would it have done
Imelda He rubbed his face I’ve a match coming up It’s the biggest match I’ve ever played I don’t have the time for this
Oh right because you’re so busy preparing she said Sitting in the woods smoking hash like a tramp
That got him all right Didn’t think she knew about that
If you’re so worried about the match why don’t you train for it?
She should have stopped there Maybe if she’d stopped there it would still have been all right But suddenly she was so angry Do you actually care what’s going to happen at all she said Or do you just want to bum around the town the rest of your life drinking Getting wrecked
Where’s all this coming from he said
From knowing you she said Your father’s right You’re a waster You’ll waste your whole life away
He got up from the table so quick the chair crashed over Well I won’t waste any more of it here that’s for sure he said
Fine so right fuck off be on your way she said She followed him out the door and threw her phone at him the one he’d got her It clattered against the car as he got in and gunned the motor and screeched off
And she went back inside to Rose’s kitchen The lottery was still on though it felt that years had passed She sat at the table her head spinning round like the Wheel of Fortune What had just happened? Why had they fought? It had all been so quick it made no sense to her
But of course it made sense to her Of course she knew why She wanted to see the future That was her plan, wasn’t it Her secret plan Rose wouldn’t tell her fortune but she would tell Frank’s Once she had his palm in her hand she’d see it all And then Imelda would see it too Know the truth Would they be wed Would he be hers for ever
Because she loved him He loved her too she had no doubt They had been so happy! Hanging around town drinking in Coady’s kissing in the car by the lake But was she the story of his life that she did not know
And at the back of her mind was the fear that he would let it go Let it slide wither away Out of not thinking Or out of wanting to prove that he was just as Maurice said he was Lazy feckless a good-time Charlie To live all that out just so Maurice would know that nothing he’d told him had changed his mind And where would she be then?
That’s what she had wondered in her secret heart of hearts That’s why she’d cooked up her plan that she’d thought was so clever Getting a big clodhopper of a GAA player in to have his fortune told Now he was gone
When she went back out to get her phone she saw it had been crushed in the dirt He must have driven over it as he was leaving
She shouldn’t have said that about Maurice Now he knew they had been talking about him behind his back
For all that day and night she sat in the cottage watching the television with Rose It felt very far from anywhere like the world might have ended and they wouldn’t know
Then JohnJoe came and said he’d seen Frank drinking in town with a bunch of lads
What lads said she but JohnJoe didn’t know them He’d gone over and had a pint with him Did he mention me Imelda says What JohnJoe says then like it’d just come to him What was he at drinking hasn’t he a match on Sunday?
Afterwards there were many more stories like that About Frank Barnes in this pub or that sinking pints with three days two days one day to go before the match though she knew well the people telling these tales were the very same that had been buying him drink and bending his ear with their statistics and play-by-plays instead of sending him home to rest
If she’d known she could have talked sense into him She could have brought him home He would have listened to her if she’d known
Then maybe everything would have been different Their whole lives His life
But she didn’t know Not where he was nor what he was doing nor whether she should care because was it a fight or were they broken up she didn’t know that Didn’t know even whether she’d go to the match or so she told herself Right up until the moment came and Daddy pulled up in the van hollering out the window We’re late Come on to fuck
Rose was in the kitchen window drying a plate as Imelda clopped down to the gate She’d asked her if she would come but Rose did not like big crowds All that hurly-burly
The bloody roads were clogged up the whole way and Daddy was in a jock Kept honking the horn at the unmoving cars then complaining about his headache STOP HONKING THE HORN THEN she yelled at him but he didn’t hear Her own head was full of chaos She had a bad feeling A few times she almost jumped out the door and started running back home
When they got there they had to park half a mile from the ground and as soon as they got out of the van it started to rain A real ha-ha kind of rain that swept in under the sunshine and didn’t look like anything but drenched her from head to toe Hold on till I see have I an umbrella Daddy said and started rummaging around in the back of the van though she knew there was no umbrella Fifty electric sanders with the wrong plugs and instructions in Polish yes Two petrol lawnmowers missing their rear axles certainly But something a person might actually want or need no way She had to drag him out of it then she nearly sprained her ankle trying to run in platform heels through streets jam-packed full of opposition supporters in cowboy hats drinking pints But they got inside to the ground and the game hadn’t started Come on says Daddy We’ll call in to Frank
Where he had got the notion to do that she didn’t know She tried to put him off Look at me she said I’m like a drowned rat which she was but Daddy had his mind made up and she couldn’t tell him the real reason she didn’t want to because if he thought they were split up she didn’t know what he would do except it would be bad He took her hand and dragged her along She was sick to her stomach She passed the players’ girlfriends all together but didn’t look at them so as not to see if they were avoiding looking at her All around her people were singing shouting blowing whistles letting out catcalls Yeee-owwww! And the sounds and the smells Burgers chips spilled cider came piling in on top of her with the colours of the jerseys the faces the grass and the sky like a huge house of cards collapsing And it was all so much she stopped hearing anything so didn’t realize at first the steward at the tunnel wasn’t letting them through till Daddy started shouting at him
And that was the state they were in Daddy roaring his head off and she looking like she’d been pulled out of a drain when who appears out of the tunnel only Maurice dressed up to the nines as usual Wearing leather gloves and his big wool coat in spite of it being about a hundred degrees in the ground
His face was sombre He didn’t even see them at first Walked right past them till Daddy called out And then he turned very slowly and he looked them up and down
And from the jumble in her head one very clear thought appeared which was Now we’re seeing the real man at last Now we’re seeing what he really thinks of us
There was no charm or flattery none of that He literally looked down his nose at them and even Daddy caught it and had the wind knocked out of his sails It was as if some crime had occurred and now he had the culprits right in front of him
Is he in there she said stupidly just to say something and stop Maurice looking at her
He is said Maurice with mock politeness They are trying to sober him up
And with that he turned and walked off The poor steward in the middle of this didn’t know what to do so he turned away too and they went through
There was not a word out of Daddy as they went down the tunnel to the changing room It was like going down into a sewer with the mould and stench and piss and every step brought her heart lower and lower until they arrived at the changing-room door rotten with the paint peeling off it
And Daddy knocked and opened it and what did she hear only
Laughter
Gales of laughter the whole changing room whoever was in there cracking up
And then Frank in a stuffy grand voice like some Navy admiral saying Lads ye face today a Baptism of Fire You must fight with every atom of your being I will be there beside you in spirit drinking a glass of 1976 Cabernet Sauvignon
Taking off Maurice he was Then he stopped suddenly as Daddy went in and she heard the rumble of Daddy’s voice then all the lads went WHOOOO! as they always did and shouted to bring Imelda into the changing room and they’d show her what a real mickey looked like and so on
Standing outside in the dingy stinking tunnel it seemed to her an hour went by a day a lifetime
Till the door opened again and he appeared
Well he said
And all thoughts went out of her head and she threw her arms around him
He gripped her tight It was like they’d been apart for months on different sides of the world I didn’t know if you’d come he whispered into her hair I called you and you never answered
You drove over the phone she told him and as she said it she could feel a smile well up from her heart and break across her face You feckin’ eejit she said and he laughed and bowed his head and she draped her arm over it He told her he loved her it was the first time he’d said it she kissed him the love rushed up inside her like she was literally going to die of pure happiness No one could be as happy as this and live
Here he says You’ll never guess who I saw on the way up here only a tall dark stranger
Oh you’re very smart she said Then she remembered Maurice what he’d said She drew back and she looked at him Was he pissed? She didn’t think so She could tell he hadn’t slept much nor shaved and there was a smell of fags and booze off him that would knock you down but pissed right at that moment no It was something else He was pale so pale His eyes glittering with a sort of strange electricity so it was like you couldn’t see into them She’d never seen him like this so charged up though he acted like it was all a joke
The manager came to the door and called his name I’ve to go he said He hugged her and kissed her I’ll see you after he said There’ll be some hooley tonight when we win this thing
She walked back up the tunnel towards the light and the noise feeling so relieved so happy! Her worries had disappeared She was filled instead with excitement For the match for the future for their love and their lives together!
That boy’s not himself Daddy said and in an instant it all went away again The happiness the relief disappeared and the fear came back worse than ever
She didn’t say it or show it She found the brothers and went down the front with the other girlfriends and families and she was all smiles to them as they were to her and as the teams came out onto the pitch she clapped and screamed so much that Daddy gave her a dig of the elbow and told her to save her voice for when she might need it Everyone was there The whole town it looked like Only Maurice was nowhere to be seen She heard someone say he hadn’t stayed And Peggy of course hadn’t come nor Dickie What a family she thought They made hers look almost normal Then the whistle blew and a cheer went up as the game began
It was clear straight away that these Ballyray boys were a different class to the teams she’d seen before
Though you could hardly even call it a village Ballyray two pubs and a combine repair shop still every year they were contenders It wasn’t only that they had the clever players that’d slip by you and the strong men that would cripple you There was something more that bound them all together So even when things went wrong they paid no heed just kept coming at you like a machine It was the mental preparation she supposed the psychology that Maurice was always banging on about
And they’d drawn them in the first round away the first real bad luck they’d had
But her boys though they were looser gave as good as they got Matched them point for point And Frank playing like he was possessed Darting back and forth everywhere at once Chasing every ball Facing down the biggest bruisers they had All of the joking and clowning and casualness dropped away You could see the passion Maurice was always complaining he didn’t have Though he didn’t let it run away with him When someone tried to niggle him with the elbow or a jab in the eye when the ref wasn’t looking he kept his head
She had never seen him play like this before She wondered had whatever happened between him and his father fired him up Was he throwing Maurice’s rules and advice back at him Saying I’ll go and get hammered then I’ll play the best I’ve ever played He had scored a couple of points early on and now on the mark of half-time he scored again to draw level so as the whistle blew they were still in it though by rights Ballyray should have been home and dry As he disappeared into the tunnel the girlfriends turned and smiled at her She felt a glow she was proud and when someone behind her said he’ll never be able to keep that pace up she pretended that she hadn’t heard and when she remembered the strange look in his eye the electricity she told herself that was just the focus the passion
And during the break it was their supporters singing the songs because Ballyray were getting frustrated you could see and starting to make mistakes and it might just be that they’d be able to nick it out from under their noses But that’s not how it went
He’d told her once how the half-time break was like a game in itself and when they came out after it they were different All of a sudden they looked tired You could see how it was taking more and more out of them just to stay in it Ballyray were tired too no doubt But they didn’t show it They kept coming and coming like water flowing downhill And point by point they started creeping ahead
Around her in the stands the crowd were doing their best Give ’em plenty of it lads! they cried Don’t spare it! But their voices were ragged and on the pitch the boys were ragged too Being outrun Making mistakes Frank lorried into the Ballyray half-back and got a card for that and he was lucky not to be put off after kicking the legs off the same fella five minutes later Meanwhile Ballyray kept the head and went on nicking points here and there and as the clock ran down it was the fans at the Ballyray end were dancing in the stands while their half of the ground was silent Even Daddy Even the girls were silent
And then guess what Didn’t Ballyray give away a goal It was the same ginger bruiser Frank had fouled who now miskicked the ball and sent it straight to Brian ‘Pints’ Coady son of Patrick J Coady the publican Who with a burst of speed from God knows where hares off from the halfway line till it’s just him and the keeper Hammers the ball past him like he’s knocking a nail into a coffin and now with three minutes left there’s only a point in it
The rain is falling again in soft sheets and the sun through it makes the pitch glitter like broken glass Everyone’s on their feet Beside her Daddy’s bellowing so loud his eyes look like they’ll pop right out The thick veins on his neck snaking up and his head turned purple and she takes his arm she can hardly bear to watch
And Maurice nowhere to be seen long gone
But if he’d stayed! Oh! If he’d only seen Frank’s face at that moment! Streaked with sweat and mud and carved with deep lines like a warrior Throwing orders left and right shouting and pointing and the team falling in behind him like in that moment he had fully become the man he was always meant to be And Ballyray meanwhile like a routed army Running left and right up and down not knowing what to do Hang on to it! Their coach is yelling from the touchline For if they can just keep possession for a few minutes more the match is theirs and they’ll be going on to the semi-final instead of having to slog through a replay with their confidence shook
But Ballyray are at sea They don’t hear the coach’s words And instead of running down the clock one of them has a try at a point from way up field that doesn’t even make it to touch and now Joe Daly has the ball again and there’s a roar from all around her that is not just a sound but a wave of energy she feels rising up from under her Lifting her and Daddy and everyone else all together like there is some power at work here
And she who had thought it was only a game feels in her stilled heart that her whole life rests on this moment
The pitch is silver in the rain shining almost too bright to see As the last seconds tick away she buries her face in Daddy’s shoulder then peeps out again
To see Ciaran ‘The Bollox’ O’Neill puck the ball to Pints Coady
As the ref looks at his watch
And Pints kicks a long ball diagonally across the pitch and everyone groans because there’s no one waiting there
Except suddenly there is Frank has appeared there out of nowhere and he catches it up and once more they feel that wave and pitch their voices together as if they can carry Frank in it too
And Frank pivots sprints The goalposts forty yards away Then thirty twenty as the seconds go down from twenty to ten the roar around her is deafening an ocean
A point If he can get a point They’ll have earned a replay on their own ground
Kick they’re screaming kick
But he takes his time the last seconds that are left to get in close Taking no chances
Till right in front of the posts he looks up looks down again The whole place is holding its breath and he draws back his foot to kick
But he slips
On the wet grass he slips and falls to the ground
And the ball goes rolling out of his hands
And throughout the stand there is a kind of shattering sound a wave crashing down and turning back into nothing
Then the Ballyray half-back the same red-haired bruiser grabs the ball and boots it out of play and the ref blows for time
These things happen people said afterwards It’s all luck in the end they said It’ll go your way one day and the other the next
It could have happened to anyone they told him in Coady’s that night and in the Banister the night after and in Devine’s the night after that It’s only a game they said You can’t get too hung up about it Sure if you’d got the point who knows but they might have hockeyed us in the replay
You’ve got to take the long view they said Anyway there’s always next season
People were decent about it They were at pains to make it clear they didn’t blame him
But they knew
They knew that he’d been out drinking the night before and the night before that Hadn’t they seen him themselves? In this place everyone sees everything You might as well be conducting your business in the middle of the town square So it was a known fact that he Frank Barnes had been out till all hours downing pints and God knows what else the night before his big game
Now Frank was a young man and strong and fit as a fiddle and some made the argument that a man like that might well go on the rip the night before and it would make only a very slight difference to his game
But sometimes a very slight difference is all it takes isn’t it
On another day without the burden of a dozen pints the night before might he have stepped on that patch of wet grass and kept his balance? And got the point? And won the replay?
Someone said they’d heard he’d thrown up on the bus on the way to the ground though all the same it could have been nerves
Someone said the coach wanted to take him off at half-time but he’d argued so fiercely to be left on that he’d got his way
Someone said he’d had a big bust-up with his girlfriend the night before Imagine they said picking a fight with him and he about to play a game of that stature
His poor father was in tears they said Someone had been standing beside him at the game and he was heartbroken
Holding no one to blame and making no accusations On another day could it all have been otherwise that’s what people wondered and Imelda wondered it too
If she hadn’t had her stupid plan If they hadn’t fought If instead she’d kissed him goodbye and he’d gone home and slept deep and dreamless and woken refreshed might he have kept his feet and scored the point and saved the match and proved Maurice wrong and been carried through the town a hero instead of sitting in a half-empty bar taking the long view?
She wondered She would wonder for the rest of her life
She asked him if he blamed her He just laughed You mad yoke he said Where did I get you
Daddy of course took his side For weeks after he was fuming about poor Frank having to play in those conditions where he might have broken his neck As for Maurice Well you can guess He had been proved right and nothing gave him more pleasure than to wag his big silver kingly head in disappointment For a full week after the game he would not speak to Frank at all Not a word imagine and the two of them looking at each other in the showroom and in the house from one end of the day to the next
He’s just in a sulk Frank said He probably had money on the game He’ll snap out of it
And if he had? If he had snapped out of it? If after the slip the fall Maurice had reached down to lift Frank up? Said to him You are a gobshite and a waster but you are my son and I’m going to teach you to be a bloody man Would that have made all the difference? So years down the line Frank would remark that that fall was the best thing ever happened to him? But no he shook his head over his chateaubriand and at the showroom took Frank off the floor and set him to work cleaning out oil sumps And when customers started to discuss the match he’d sigh heavily as if the town itself had been lost and swept away as in a battle
And that’s really where things went off the rails because Maurice making a song-and-dance about what a disaster it was meant that Frank had to make a song-and-dance about how much it didn’t matter and so to that end he went on the mother of all benders Taking up residence in Coady’s and drinking till closing She went there with him though he didn’t ask her and as she matched him pint for pint she could feel how he was getting people’s backs up Could feel too people watching her and saying amongst themselves that she was to blame for the wrong turn that his life had taken That she was the root of the wildness that she’d led Frank Barnes astray A mad thing from some estate in the next town over She had ruined his life and now was up at the bar sinking pints on his account
But if she hadn’t of drank she would never have seen him at all and better that she was there she thought where she could at least try to keep some grip on him before he lost the run of himself completely
The problem then though was he’d turn up hungover for work and Maurice would send him home and he’d go directly back to the pub and a whatdoyoucall vicious circle started up where the angrier Maurice got the more Frank wanted to provoke him which made him angrier still and at times she thought they would actually kill each other that Frank would grab Maurice by the lapels one day and throw him through the showroom window Instead what Maurice did was to go round to Patrick Coady and some of the other publicans in the town and tell them Frank was having difficulties and ask them not to serve him That started Frank going to shadier pubs sometimes in other towns altogether and now he wouldn’t let her go along These sessions might go on for days while she was left sitting in the cottage with Rose watching Nationwide and not knowing what had happened to him
He’s fine the brothers told her because sometimes it was they he was with He’s letting his hair down is all He’s been training all season doesn’t he deserve a break Though even they found him hard to keep up with By God they said that lad is a hoor for the coke
When she saw him he’d act like he hadn’t a care in the world Laughing at nothing All to show her and everyone else how little that match meant to him who could clearly think of nothing else And though she knew the truth the others believed it And they didn’t like it
It was all right for them to pat him on the back and say it wasn’t his fault That didn’t mean they wanted him thinking it They’d had their dreams dashed by this liúdramán They wanted him to be sorry Inconsolable They wanted sackcloth and ashes Instead here he was carousing and acting the goat acting like he’d won not just the match but the cup itself single-handed
She could see it herself how quickly in those weeks he became a different person to them From a hero to a messer Harmless perhaps but not to be trusted not to be got too close to lest you find yourself caught up in his chaos
If they’d given it some thought they’d have figured out what was really going on but people will only go so far to understand you and she began to wonder how all of this would end
Then he got dropped from the team
The manager whose name was Peter Eglantine was a decent man and had given him a long rope He didn’t want to punish him for what had happened But with the drinking Frank was not only missing practice but putting on weight and slowing down Not to mention driving his teammates mad that did in fact blame him for what happened He must have known that What would come of it Maybe he didn’t think they’d drop their best player Or maybe he wanted to prove to himself they’d stick by him even when he was at his worst And they did for a while But then one day the team sheet went up and he wasn’t even on the bench
That came as a shock all right For the first time he saw that this wasn’t just a bust-up with Maurice it was his life A couple of days went by where he was raging at Peter Eglantine Calling him every name under the sun Saying he’d get his father to pull the sponsorship on them Then he went quiet very quiet
For weeks he barely left the house He’d stopped drinking No pub Not even a can watching the game on TV But he was still suspended from the garage What was he doing all day? She saw less of him than she had when he was off on his benders When she did he was pale and uncomfortable and full of talk about getting his head together and figuring out his next move
It made her nervous If he was taking stock of his life where did she fit If he was saying to himself it was time to stop the messing and fly right did she go on the flying-right side or was he stacking her up with the messing because she had been there on so many of those wild nights
To make things worse something had happened to his brother He’d been knocked down by a car up in Dublin now he was back at the house recuperating When she saw him he was black and blue with a gash on his forehead where he’d fallen Frank told her he was scared to go outside Kept bursting into tears The house when she went there now was quiet as a church and everybody spoke in whispers They were trying not to have visitors as he didn’t like strangers being there Frank said How am I a stranger? she said
Then one day he told her Dolly and him were thinking of going to London in the New Year
They were down by the lake The fields on the far side were bright with frost They were in the A6 but Frank hadn’t put back the seats so she knew something was coming
For a match? she said
He looked at her shamefacedly like a little boy No they were thinking about a longer spell Her head burned and swam in spite of the cold They wanted to get their business off the ground he was telling her London was the place to network and look for investors
There were tears in her eyes but she didn’t give in to them I thought you wanted to get back on the team she said How will you do that if you’re off in England?
I have to be practical he said and when she laughed because only he could possibly think Dolly’s Fantasy Football computer thing was practical he said Imelda I can’t keep going on like this
The frost burned in the fields the sun burned on the water the same birds as always circled in the sky
What about me she said She tried to stop herself but she couldn’t
It wouldn’t be for ever he said A year that’s all
A year! she repeated
And I’d be back here every few weeks he said It’s not far
She shook her head A year she said again sadly
He sighed and pressed some buttons on the CD player though it wasn’t switched on
I could go with you she said
I suppose you could yes he said pressing buttons We haven’t planned it out at all but I mean you could come with me if you wanted
But she couldn’t come he knew that Daddy would never allow it Unless they were wed she couldn’t come he knew and she knew he knew and that wasn’t even the point The point was he didn’t want her to come For a moment there was silence Do you still love me she said
Of course he said This is for both of us
She didn’t say anything more
Nor did she tell a soul about the conversation Who could she tell? If Daddy heard who knew what he might do Already he was asking questions because Frank hadn’t been answering his calls Rose then? Yes Rose she might have told Might have said Rose he is leaving me what will I do! And Rose would have said something wise like Let him go If he returns it is for ever
But that was exactly what she did not want to hear To let him go Because Frank though he loved her was haphazard Careless Might mean to return but just not get around to it Miss the boat Lose his ticket something like that And how could she ever explain that to Rose Who had never taken to him always suspected him Imelda’s fine young man from the good family that now wanted to leave her
No Instead she decided she would take matters into her own hands
It all came back to his father she thought The drinking the fall this stupid London plan Everything came back to Maurice not thinking Frank good enough to take over the business But if she could convince him to think again Or even just to tell Frank he hadn’t made up his mind Wouldn’t Frank be happy then to stay on at the garage? Stay on with her?
And so one night she knew Frank was out she put on her best dress and called Lar to ask would he drive her over to Goldenhill
It was freezing cold December Lar pulled up in the van She’d seen him only a week ago but he looked thinner smaller or as if she’d got older but he hadn’t She waited for him to ask why hadn’t Frank picked her up but he didn’t He didn’t have much to say at all She thought again of their own plan that never happened They had never spoken of it since Maybe that was why she told him Frank’s talking about going to London she said
He looked at her without much interest The way a taxi driver would that didn’t want to talk With you he said
No she said With his buddy Some idea they have for a business A football thing Only on computers The more she said about it the crazier it sounded like something made up on the spot
Lar just said Is he coming back
I don’t know
Lar didn’t say anything to that Looked back at the road She wondered was he thinking It could have been us Only for him you changed your mind Now look where it got you
Don’t tell Daddy she said
Lar put on the indicator We’re here he said
The driveway had never seemed so long so dark The Christmas wreath on the door dripped and bulged with berries and frosted pine cones She waited for Lar to turn the van around and go back down the drive Then on the step she pinched her cheeks pushed up her breasts and rang the bell
But it was Peggy answered the door He’s out she said
It’s Maurice I’m here to see Peggy Imelda said
There on the doorstep she waited a beat then another as Peggy looked her up and down
She wasn’t beautiful Peggy she never had been Imelda knew that from the pictures in the house But somehow she made it seem like her own personal choice Like beauty was a trashy showy thing fit only for trashy showy people She looked at Imelda in her dress out of Topshop and it came to Imelda that she probably knew or could guess why Imelda was here and that she at least would be glad to see Frank part ways with her It seemed a long time that the two women stood there on either side of the threshold The cold bit at her through the thin fabric of the dress and she thought to herself that Lar was gone and if Peggy didn’t let her in she would have to walk back down the long dark driveway alone
But at last Peggy said Hold on there now till I see where he is and leaving the door open for Imelda to come in she disappeared into the house’s warm crowded interior
She had never been here without Frank As she waited in the hall everything seemed to look out at her The grandfather clock the paintings the golf clubs and it made her afraid for you only notice things the first time and the last time Then Maurice appeared with his reading glasses as he called them in his right hand and a turtleneck sweater
I wonder if I could have a quick word she said like she’d practised In private
Of course of course he said and showed her the way to his den and plonked himself in a big leather chair like a judge watching her do her bit in the Rose of Tralee
She had it all worked out what she would say Maurice she’d say I know you and Frank have not always seen eye to eye He has not always been a good son in the way of Dickie who attends to his studies and is a credit to you But if you would give him a chance then I’m sure he will settle down get his act together There is no need for him to be going off to London
But whether it was Peggy threw her off or something else anyway as soon as she began she forgot it all and burst into tears Oh Maurice she sobbed I don’t know what to do
Who knows? Maybe that served her better than any speech would Maybe she knew that somewhere within her or something within her knew It certainly got his attention for he leapt out of his chair and put his arms around her not in a creepy way but that made her feel safe protected a dad way she supposed And his hands gently stroked her back until her sobs had calmed
Then he drew her back from him and gazed in her eyes Now he said What’s all this?
She didn’t have the heart then to mention the garage Instead she just told him about England Dolly The plan From his reaction she didn’t think he’d known about it He only sighed
Frank he said Frank was always a wilful boy headstrong He acts like nothing matters He’s as casual as can be But beneath it there is a will of steel And woe betide whoever dares cross him
Which is usually me he said Through no design of my own that seems to be my role He likes to cast me as the ogre he said But the one he is fighting has always been himself
There is only so much a father can do he said At last he must let his child learn his own lessons
As he spoke he drew circles in the air with his reading glasses like he was conducting an orchestra while Imelda blinked at him wondering what any of it meant
She had never been in the den before It was even more full of stuff than the rest of the house You could hardly move without knocking into a wine decanter or a signed rugby ball The smell of leather and dark wood deeper here and stronger than in the rest of the house like it had come from here and spread outwards And as he went on Where am I even she thought again What is this place and from long ago the story came back to her of the traveller who falls asleep on the hillside Wakes in a wondrous hall full of golden-haired maidens princes treasure feasting but then the next morning it’s all gone he’s out on the hill again with just the clothes on his back and when he goes home it’s a hundred years later and everyone he knows is dead
Would that be her she thought Out in the cold her life crumbled away Frank far beyond over some impossible sea
As though he had never crossed the dance floor of Paparazzi’s but only ever smiled at her and then vanished into the dry ice a hundred years ago
Maurice put his hand on her shoulder I’ll talk to him he said He was taking his leave but the hand remained She looked up at him She was beautiful when she cried which not everyone beautiful is It had been a comfort to her in the past such as when Daddy sold her horse For weeks after she’d be in floods but then she’d see herself in the mirror and the beauty of her tear-stained face would distract her Like a princess in a fairy tale
Yes beautiful golden-haired tear-stained she gazed up at Maurice A prize he would not want to lose from his lovely hill His hand lay on her shoulder He stood there not speaking bathed by her glow
And then Peggy was in the door
She left feeling lighter lifted but uneasy too like she’d done something wrong
And afterwards she would think in the long hours of married loneliness in the new-built house with Cass in her belly she would think was that when it all changed? Was that the moment after all? Not Frank slipping on the wet grass Not Maurice refusing to help him up but now there Was it she If she had never gone to Maurice with her tears and her speech would Frank have gone to England and lived
So she thought on the new couch in the new house in all those hours alone
That was later though Now as if by magic all their problems vanished Everything got better almost overnight
A few days after she’d seen him Maurice brought Frank back in to work in the showroom She didn’t know if it was because of what she’d said or just that they were out the door busy Christmas right through January was crazy in there with customers crowding in looking to get their cars with the next-year reg From spending the whole day with nothing to do only brood in his shed suddenly Frank was doing ten- or twelve-hour shifts six days a week
And he was happy The thing about Frank was he loved to sell cars Loved it almost as much as he loved playing football When people came into the showroom he knew how to talk to them Not like Maurice with his tricks and his mind games learned out of a book He just connected with them Whatever good was in there he’d find it The meanest stupidest person you would see them come to life like a dried-up old plant given water They liked Frank Liked to make him happy Drove off their new cars with great big smiles
That was the best quarter the business ever had From his commission Frank told her he’d made enough for a deposit on a house When she saw him he was giddy and exhausted at the same time but the gloom of the autumn was lifted His brother had finally returned to Dublin and when she went back to Goldenhill he and Maurice were the best of friends again Frank was making so much money for them that Maurice had forgiven all his sins
As for Dolly and their plans she never asked about them and Frank never mentioned them It was like he’d forgotten as you would an illness once you are through it
He was back training with the team too Peter Eglantine had rung him up Asked him back He’d stayed off the booze till he had his full fitness again which was hard when they were going out For her because she didn’t like to drink when he wasn’t Didn’t bother him a whit He was still the life and soul Talking a mile a minute and he drinking only mineral water That was the form he was in then Full of energy
The only thing they’d argue over was going out to the homeplace It was funny because in the past he’d always been happy to visit Now he complained He had little enough time between work and training he said It’s such a trek to get out there She thought it was because he was off the drink When he’d come out before he’d always have a few cans Now he was doing it cold It must have seemed like a madhouse But Daddy was always calling her up There were only so many excuses she could give
Because it had been so long since they’d been out to see him Frank brought him a present A new VCR so he could watch his old fights Daddy was thrilled When they had it set up he made Frank sit down with him just like she had when she was a little girl
The fights shook him up Till then all he’d seen of Daddy was the show of politeness that was put on for him and Maurice Now he was getting a look at the real man The one they knew Pummelling strangers in a car park Hammering a fella on the ground till his jaw cracked He turned pale Didn’t say a word Daddy didn’t notice Look at this lad snakin’ up on me he said then jumped to his feet clapped his hands shouted Get him get him get him get him get him
He’ll be feeling that tomorrow won’t he? he said as on the TV screen he rose up victorious from a bludgeoned body laid out on the tarmac
But was it safe? was all Frank could think to say I mean was there not a danger you could get brain damage?
Oh! Wait till I show you the one with the Spic said Daddy and he started hunting around in his tapes
He was quiet on the way home then as they reached the edge of town he said He’s some man for one man your father
You don’t know the half of it she said
He doesn’t do it any more does he? Fight
Only if someone provokes him she said
He must have wished he never thought of bringing out that VCR because now whenever they went out there Daddy would always put on a tape Which made Frank want to go even less Only now he was that rattled he didn’t want to say no to him
Well that made her laugh The thought that Daddy would ever lay a finger on Frank that adored him more than her practically
And that was the only thing The rest of the time it was perfect They went up to Dublin for a show Stayed in a hotel and went out for a pint with Frank’s brother He came over to Rose’s more than before He’d started bringing over groceries for her though she never asked and she never thanked him But mostly what time they had they spent together walking in the hills Or around the lake scoured by the cold wind that came off it They were happy She was happy in a new way to before They didn’t talk about the future She didn’t think about their wedding day That would all take care of itself she knew There was no need to force it And no sense there was anything wrong till one day she gets a text from him to say he had to go out of town
Where to Why How long he’d be gone he didn’t say Only that he had to go That was all
Which pissed her off because they were supposed to go to a twenty-first in Burke’s hotel that night but she didn’t think any more of it than that until a second text arrived which said
No matter what happens I want you to know Ill always love you
She didn’t go to the party She sat at the table with her phone at her side in case he might ring though he didn’t Didn’t answer when she called him or reply to her texts She felt sick to her stomach No matter what happens I want you to know Ill always love you What did it mean Where had he gone What could happen that might make her think he didn’t love her?
She lay in her bed stared at the ceiling with a terrible feeling she was never going to see him again So she was awake when the sound came of an engine outside and then a car pulled up so sharply in the yard it sent a slew of gravel up to hit the window And there he was climbing out of a roadster that he’d driven over a clump of bluebells in his hurry
She ran to the door but he was already hammering at it Urgently like he was shipping off to sea that same hour and this was their last goodbye
And she opened the door so full of Dread
Well he said
Well yourself she said He looked like he’d been drinking Unshaven pasty with a wildness in his eyes but his breath was clear Where were you? she said Where did you go? Your message I thought I didn’t know she said and trailed off Oh yeah sorry about that he said and he told her he’d had to go and see his brother up in Dublin What for she said thinking it was something to do with the garage I needed to ask him would he be my best man he said
She looked at him dumbly She didn’t get it Though she’d pictured this moment But then he gathered her wrists together in his hand bunching them as you would a bouquet of flowers Listen he said I’ve a mad idea he said Will we get engaged
Yes in the long hours afterwards she would think of this too that he’d said engaged not married but not now Now there was only joy Rose! she called Rose did you hear that? and Rose came blinking out of her room in her nightgown and she grasped his wrist in her hand just as he grasped hers in his She had tears in her eyes Rose did it was the only time Imelda saw it May God and all his saints and angels keep you and preserve you she said and later that night she gave him something a Miraculous Medal to put round his neck That was her engagement gift to him
Well the next spell was pure madness It was the end of the not drinking anyhow instead there was a solid week of it as Daddy and the brothers dragged him off God knows where to celebrate Then a smaller affair in Goldenhill where they drank champagne that Maurice said was regarded as one of the best and Peggy smiled quietly to her as if to say Well my dear Checkmate Then in to Coady’s where Frank bought rounds for everyone He was in great form the best he’d been since before the match And everyone glad for him For both of them Peter Eglantine the manager was there His teammates The Bollox O’Neill Dec ‘The Bun’ Dunne Pints of course Mickey ‘Swamp Thing’ Sullivan The girls hugging her and kissing her and seeming to mean it She was one of them now at last though no doubt they were sorry for look at him his arms his smile his beautiful face
And such crack they had The whole pub in stitches with his jokes his songs
And she too She more in love with him than ever because he was more himself than ever More natural than ever So bright he seemed about to burn right through the world
When the parties ended theirs seemed only beginning They were in love They could tell each other now It was madness how much they loved each other Every day cascaded into the next Every colour was ultra-bright Deeper and deeper Faster and faster Forever on the crest of a wave
He had this midnight-blue roadster special import he’d taken from the lot They’d go hammering down the N7 in it and he’d turn to her lean over and kiss her Watch out she’d scream she’d laugh but still kiss him You fuckin’ mad eejit
Or down by the lake in the twilight he’d push the seats back wedge his face between her thighs Your stubble’s itching me! she’d squeal There’s no room! He paid no attention and a moment later she’d have her legs spread back till they were practically over her head pulling him by the ears deeper into her twisting them like wingnuts like she could fasten him in there for ever The birds breaking from the trees when she cried out She almost kicked a hole in the roof that time
Imagine on our wedding night
Are you really going to make me wait still he’d say he’d smile Would you not let me now
I don’t want to let you I want us both to want it and then do it
Though even the words made her breathless made her want him inside her She thought she’d go mad with it And that car It was sinful letting something like that on the roads She’d imagine their wedding day Driving back from the church to the reception Pull in here I can’t wait any longer Push back the seats Do me in the car Riding inside it like being fucked or that’s how she felt about everything then it was all one crazy riot of feeling
Yet didn’t it seem even then like he was fading
For all the noise the sex the drinking the celebration All the brightness
Visiting the church planning the honeymoon looking at a little house in the town so happy
Didn’t it feel like they had the TV on mute
And try as they might they couldn’t turn up the volume
It was just from the drinking she told herself The drink and the coke We’ll go on a detox once the wedding’s over
Or maybe it was just she couldn’t believe it That she would marry him that everything would work out so perfect
It was like a dream or more the opposite of a dream where it’s real but you can’t believe it
That was why she asked Rose wasn’t it though she said it was just for fun
They were in the cottage Frank came over more since the engagement He and Rose got on better now She trusted him or at least he thought she trusted him It was a bright cold day in spring They were just back from somewhere or on their way somewhere sitting there laughing over cups of tea Everything was hilarious then While Rose peeled potatoes in the sink And that’s when she asked her
You’re joking Rose said meaning after what happened last time
But last time you didn’t do it! Imelda said Go on Rose Just for us
A quickie Frank said For the crack She’ll never stop badgering you otherwise
Rose sighed Imelda could tell she didn’t want to Knew she shouldn’t have asked But Rose was pissing her off She’d done her best to get her excited about the wedding What’ll you wear Rose? she’d say We’ll have to go into town one of these days and look at dresses But Rose would only humph and turn her back Just as she did now And Imelda felt herself get angry She wanted to hear her talk about it She wanted to hear her say the words Bride Church Ring Wedding She wanted to know Rose believed it so she could believe it too Seriously she said You’ll tell everyone else’s but not ours?
You could just tell us the weather Frank said
Yes Imelda said Just tell us will it be sunny Rose Tell us will we have a sunny day for the wedding That’s all I’ll ask you I promise
And Rose groaned and sat down and poured her tea leaves in a bowl and squinted into them
Frank winked at Imelda he was off his head so was she
Outside in the yard the wind frisked about She heard the tin bucket go over on its side
I can’t see Rose complained Wait till I turn on the light so said Imelda
It’s not the light Rose said She bent her head lower and squinted Imelda had never seen her make such a song-and-dance
I see mist she said
In the summer? Imelda said
Rose made a gesture with her free hand She saw what she saw and she said it and that was all Then she sighed and swirled the cup again and grumbled
I see a hay bale she said
A hay bale? Imelda said
I see a hay bale in a field she said and then It’s burning
As long as it’s not burning in Burke’s hotel said Frank
Stop Imelda told him getting frustrated She’d heard her tell fortunes many times and it was never like this where you had to drag it out of her What about the wedding Rose she said Is there anything there about the wedding?
Rose took the cup in both hands and bowed over it and fell silent and all of them were silent
On the wall the clock ticked The hens clucked in the yard The electric candle glowed under the picture of Our Saviour Everything was as it always was
Then suddenly something was in the room with them
Over the table or behind it A something that she could put no name to or was not even a thing to see or touch but she could feel it And around them the wind blew up though nothing moved and there was nothing to be heard Only the hens and crows outside the potatoes bubbling on the hob
I see the sun Rose said
A sunny day Frank said and from his voice she could tell he felt it too That’s it That’s all we wanted
But there was more What else Rose she said What do you see
And Rose fell silent again
I see a ghost she said At the wedding I see a ghost
The invisible unhearable wind blew up around them The something that was not a thing pressed down screamed in their faces and there was silence silence silence
Then Frank let out a great guffaw and said Will it be wanting dinner
Imelda didn’t laugh She was raging She banged the table with her palm and stood up and said to Rose You’re a mean spiteful old woman
Rose goggled back at her helplessly like she’d just woken up
Easy take it easy Frank said
She is Imelda said
Leave her Frank said It doesn’t matter
She took her coat and stamped out to the car and sat there blood boiling till Frank came out to her Why would she do that she said
She just says what she sees isn’t that how it works Frank said He didn’t seem too bothered by it
I’ve never heard her say anything like that Imelda said She’s been like a wet weekend since the engagement and now this Fucking ghosts
Well think he said Think of what this means to her I’m sure she’s happy for you and all But you’re going to be leaving She’s going to be losing you
She doesn’t care about that Imelda said She’s not like that whatdoyoucall sentimental
He shrugged People can surprise you he said She’s getting old She’s on her own Who else does she have to take care of her
It was true because she had no children nor had she ever a man no for all her spells and gobbledegook no one wanted her Well she can get used to it Imelda said She can sit by her fire all alone because I’ll not be back and so on till Frank literally put a hand over her mouth Why are you so angry? It was only for fun you said so yourself
He was laughing and everything that had happened around the table The thing that had come The ghost at the wedding began to fade away
She had just to say it would be sunny she said That was all I asked for
One of you’s as mad as the other Frank said and he started the car and they drove up to Dublin where Frank bought cowboy boots and she bought a belt that cost €200 just because and a hat for Rose to make amends
And all was well again until three weeks later she started awake in her bed with a terror inside her like she couldn’t believe Not just the usual that came with the coke no it was like something had taken possession of her or was stuck inside her like a freezing skeleton someone else’s skeleton inside her and it was scrabbling and going mad trying to get out while she herself could hardly move In a panic she reached for her phone and she called him in case he might be awake and when he didn’t answer she went out to the yard in her bare feet to see could she see him
And there was the mist
It rose in a wall around her and grew thicker as the sky paled Clinging to her in cold skeins Wrapping itself round her like a dress A wedding dress that stretched off in every direction to cover the whole world
And she stood unshod and she stared into it
And Rose came out of the cottage and stood beside her on the walk
And they both waited there as the grey mist swallowed up everything around them
And then from inside the phone began to ring
Sometimes hay bales catch fire by themselves If the hay when it’s cut is too wet or too green It’s to do with fermentation It can happen months after That’s something she learned Something someone must have told her in that awful run of days
The farmer when he saw the flames thought first it was a hay bale burning That’s why he didn’t go out they told her Why he didn’t call for help He thought it was a hay bale and that the rain would stop it
Too late to help him anyway they told her It would have been instantaneous
He wouldn’t have suffered they told her Take comfort in that
Black ice most likely they said that spot’s a divil for it
They told her and told her things and more things to fill the endless unfillable hours
Let me tell you something
He used to love running his hands through her hair
It was curly then she was still on the tabs
Rapunzel Rapunzel let down your hair he would say
And she would untie it and it would fall down over him and around his face making a little cave with her face the ceiling and his face the floor she the sky and he the ground beneath her
His head on a rolled-up hoody on the back seat on the edge of the lake and she would gaze down into his eyes and he would gaze up into hers and he would whisper
Hello
Hello he would say
And she would say back to him in a whisper
Like they only had just met the sky and the ground
Like a stranger had come up and said to you hello and you looked in their eyes and saw they were your true love for ever it was that simple
Hello she would whisper back
Hello
And she thought she would burn up into cinders for love of him
But it was he who caught fire who burned in his car in a field in the rain
And now he lay beneath her eyes shut whispering not a word in the coffin in the living room in the suit he would have married her in
As they filed around him everyone knew everyone thought That must be the suit they thought
Though she did not wear her wedding dress It hung in her wardrobe it was made of mist She sat on the bed stared at the open wardrobe door waiting
For what?
For its arms to rise for it to step free of its hanger Dance around the little room in his invisible arms And then for her to wake and find herself once more in his life with her on their way to their wedding so happy
But it did not he did not she did not
There was only the empty dress the endless hours her weeping devil face in the mirror till a car came to collect her
She was still wearing the same pyjamas and Rose’s coat over them At the house someone took her aside gave her a black dress to wear It must have been Peggy who else could it have been
The wake at the house among the gold candlesticks the lads from the team all twenty of them lined up Peter Eglantine Patrick J. Coady the teachers the principal Phil the head mechanic Every old biddy for miles around crowding in saying rosaries Daddy beating his chest and bawling his eyes out for his son My son he called him and she lost in this madhouse full of strangers who kept coming up to her not knowing who she was only that she was the girlfriend from the next town over so they would tell her things black ice hay bales suffering Didn’t the undertakers do a lovely job one woman said to her You would hardly know what had happened and pouring her whiskey Glass after glass until she had to throw up stumbling outside falling down in the dark then heaving all over Peggy’s marigolds not able to get up nor wanting to on her hands and knees howling like a dog wanting to die when someone came up put an arm round her scooped back her Rapunzel hair helped her to her feet it was Dickie
Dickie the brother blinking at her with his mild round face that was so stupid and so clever at the same time
He looked like a blasted moon a doughy white nothing
I’m so sorry he said I’m so sorry
She turned to him and she cried and cried
He was the only one who didn’t tell her anything just held her
She always remembered that
She cried for who knew how long she drew back she’d left a puke stain on his lapel this poor man who’d lost his brother
It’s all right he said he smiled
She drew back she looked into his eyes she saw Frank there in fragments
She stayed at the house that night not by plan just never left She slept in Frank’s bed with the pictures of the two of them looking down at her She slept in the black dress it had puke on it too and in the morning Peggy tried to wipe it clean Then the car came for them The driver wore a cap They drove in silence She wished they could just stay in it driving never get out
At the church the gawpers with their sad faces carefully prepared all massed about the car park
The coffin closed now waited at the altar between the polished aisles of pews
She thought her legs would give out from under her Rose pressed her hand
On it they had laid his football jersey and his binoculars Later Dickie told her when he was younger he used be mad into nature Always trekking around the woods right up into the mountains coming back to say I saw a pine marten I saw a hawk
They might have laid her heart there too and buried it with him
Her heart and her hair that he loved to run his hands through her eyes he would gaze into her mouth he kissed her ears full of his words her lungs that breathed him her gowl she never let him into her guts too why not Bury it all burn it all who cared what was any of it without him
The priest said Mass people snuffled and blew their noses Her head pounded sun beat through the glass saints Maurice got up and made a speech In the row behind her Daddy shook and sobbed and burped out Frank! Why? A muscle jumped in Peggy’s cheek
Four boys from the team helped carry the coffin Pints Bunner The Bollox John ‘The Gent’ Gurry white-faced hungover stuffed into their suits like lads going up to court after a fight outside the chipper In the church car park people milled about Queued to shake hands with the family and to her too they came the strangers with their polite careful faces and their condolences A stóirín they said My dear girl the Mayor said Ah pet the girls said lining up with streaming mascara to embrace her To each other they said The poor thing she has nothing now Nothing
Where will you go? a woman asked her What will you do? But there was no answer A hundred years had passed She had woken in a field in the dawn Going doing All that was finished
At the house she helped to pass around sandwiches and when the people had finally gone home she went again to his room Dickie knocked as she was gathering up her belongings
They both slept there when they were very young he told her We had a bunk bed he said That’s how he stuck up the stars And he pointed to the ceiling
He was different now Dickie than he had been before Softer gentler Didn’t hide off in his room Maybe he had learned that in college she thought
I just wanted to get a few bits I’d left here she told him in case he thought she was snooping
You’re not leaving? he said
I suppose I’d better she said It’s late and at the same moment he said It’s late
He smiled gently The day had worn creases into his face like one of Maurice’s leather chairs You might as well stay for tonight he said
I should leave you in peace she said The family
You’re part of the family Dickie said
Your parents though she said They will want to be alone
I don’t think they’ll notice to be honest he said
So she stayed that night the next day too and the next Dickie was right no one noticed Sometimes she would come upon Maurice motionless in the hall like a ghost and as if it was part of a game he’d jog to life Start to tell her some story about Frank Never with any point just a chance to say his name One time Frank was having trouble with his computer at work Frank was never much good with technology God knows so he called up Gareth Flynn in town and Gareth said Frank what you have here Frank is a Trojan
Or wandering in the garden she would find Peggy with her green gloves on and her kneepads but not moving either only gazing at the flower beds Her skin stretched tight across her face puckered at the edges The light already seeming to fall through her
They didn’t sleep They didn’t eat All the dinners the neighbours brought over were going off in the fridge It seemed to her she had passed through a looking glass where the riotous engagement party was continuing only reversed Underwater The days cascading sleeplessly into each other Empty in roaring silence She didn’t notice herself either Didn’t notice the days disappear and the world with them so quiet so calm that it didn’t feel like madness
Dickie hadn’t left either He kept saying he’d go back to college and that’s when she’d go too she thought but then he didn’t so neither did she
He was the one kept some grip on the world When well-wishers came it was he who spoke to them He’d go outside with a coat and scarf for Peggy Make scrambled eggs and spoon them into Maurice’s mouth Sometimes as she lay on the bed he’d knock on the door come in and sit beside her
They mostly didn’t talk they didn’t need to She could feel the loss echoing through him The hole in his soul answering hers He must have felt it what was coming Though Peggy was still hale then Though Maurice still ran the garage He must have known that he would never return to Dublin and his life there
Sometimes they’d go for a walk and he’d tell her stories about when he and Frank were kids Running around these same woods with bath towels safety-pinned to their shoulders being Jedis
Or things he knew things he’d learned How trees communicated underground using chemicals though not what they said How a hundred years ago the forest would have been much bigger Part of a grand estate where the lord used to go hunting Till in nineteen-something the big house where he lived was burned down by the tenants The horses killed in their stables
The thoroughbred she said without thinking
How’s that? he said She just smiled Sorry he said I didn’t mean to upset you
She wasn’t upset Everything came to her from a thousand miles away He could have said he was Jack the Ripper and she would have just nodded
Sometimes at night she’d get incredibly horny Ravenous with it and she’d go out into the house fantasizing that she’d meet Maurice in the kitchen also unsleeping and she would lift her nightgown and without a word he would flip her around twist her arms behind her back fuck her silently against the island crushing her tits into the cold quartz of the countertop She had a wild notion he could get her pregnant and she could have another Frank Make one of her own
Or she would go through the cupboards looking for matches so she could burn down the house
Often she dreamed the bed was the car That it slipped on the grass of the pitch and she and Frank went tumbling through space then it was a coffin he lay in but she was outside and could not get back in He wouldn’t let her in though she was burning though she screamed and screamed
Then Dickie was there in the door
Was I doing it again she said
It’s okay he said I wasn’t sleeping anyway
Will you stay there a little while longer
Of course
And he would sit there at the end of the bed in the dark until he thought she was asleep
He was so sad Up next to him you could feel it Coming from him like heat You could feel it If you knew what it was
Every day was the same They never went anywhere It might have been a week It might have been a month or even more It felt like the world had disappeared so when one day Lar pulled up in the van and asked her to come back with him she could say in all honesty Back where
He told her Daddy wanted to see her He was in a bad way Lar said Will you come and talk to him at least
So back she went with him to the homeplace because she needed a few things out of her room anyway and it was true Daddy’s face was purple His chin was covered in a dirty beard He hadn’t changed his clothes since who knows when and he stank It was the smell of her childhood of her whole fucking life
He was sat on the couch watching a cookery programme How to make a roux He didn’t move or speak to her when she came in but then she went to her room to get what she came for and he appeared in the doorway his belly sagging out from under his shirt
It is time for you to come back now he said
She was turned away from him rooting through a drawer Pulling out knickers socks and so on though everything in there seemed like it belonged to some other girl from long long ago
It is time for you to come back out of that he said again Your place is here not there
She did not reply It was a top she was looking for in particular
You have duties he said
The way he said it That dark warning edge that when they heard it as kids made them scatter because it meant he’d lost a bet or a job or some one of the many other parts of his life they knew nothing about had gone wrong and now he was looking for one of them to start a fight with A fight they would lose
I have duties there too she said quietly
You do not he said You’ve no more to do there You had your chance No point hanging around the kitchen door now waiting for scraps
Yes there it was The blame the anger The thoroughbred had fallen The race had been lost His millionaire was gone
She found the top Shook it out
It’s only a matter of time now before you’re fired out of the place he said
It was the one she’d worn to Pap’s the night she’d met Frank She had never worn it since nor washed it When she pressed it to her nose she smelled What Dry ice Jägerbombs Bronzer Three hundred lads wearing Lynx That’s the smell of falling in love
By Christ Daddy said His voice gave way She turned in surprise to look at him His fist was clenched He was pounding it gently against the top of the door frame He had tears in his eyes You let him go How could you do it
Did I let him go she said as if she couldn’t remember Maybe she had
Daddy’s cheeks were wet now and his face screwed up like a little child’s Your mother always said there was no love in you he said Only the imitation of it that would lure a body in
I defended you More fool I for when she died I knew it to be true What loving daughter would leave her family that was in mourning and move in with a witch
And to poor Frank no doubt you showed the same cold heart
God rest his soul I thought he might change you But you drove him away
I loved him she said again and then in a pleading voice Daddy!
But Daddy had covered his face with his hands and his belly shook with sobs
Drove him away Yes that night she dreamed it was her in the car at the wheel untouched while on every side of her he burned
She woke burning too Her body crying out for him that had denied him while he was alive And she burned too to wreck it to ruin it to punish it for its wanting and not-wanting Smash it into powder so she was empty at last and nothing and free
It was unbearable Still to be here To be alive still
The door opened The bed dipped as Dickie sat down She pulled back the sheets He climbed in beside her Spoke to her as she lay turned away
Frank used to do this Come and sleep next to me I mean After we got our own rooms If he had a bad dream or he was scared he’d come in to mine
I can’t imagine Frank ever being scared she said
This was when we were still quite young Dickie said He thought there was a monster in his wardrobe
And it wouldn’t come after him if you were there?
I suppose it doesn’t make much sense he said He laughed But I was his big brother after all
She forgot that sometimes He’d always seemed younger Dickie but now she could see it Now that he was the only brother left
The grey-green mass of stars glowed down through the darkness
Did he ever talk about me to you
Of course
What did he say
Are you wearing Lynx?
It’s just this old top What would he say about me
He said you were beautiful That he loved you
Did he ever say I was cold to him Did he ever think I didn’t love him
He started beside her as if the question surprised him then was silent and she imagined him staring up into the dark thinking Then he turned in the bed and though she couldn’t see him she knew he was gazing into her eyes or where they would be
He loved you Imelda You were the only woman he ever loved
He was happy with you he said He would have been happy to spend the rest of his life with you
He turned his head to look at the ceiling again then said Are you okay?
Was it happiness Was it sorrow She couldn’t even tell She only just managed to gasp to him Hold me And he wrapped his arms around her and she didn’t have to think what kind of feeling it was She shook in the darkness and the shaking went into his body and the sadness came from him and went into her
Her tears his tears
Her mouth his mouth
The next morning she felt such horror she couldn’t look at herself let alone look at him But later that day they did it again
Then for a time they couldn’t stop it They’d lie all day in Frank’s room in his bed Funny when he was alive she hardly even came in here now there they were with Maurice in his den yards away or Peggy outside in her garden
In the mornings she could barely lift her head Dickie would go with his father to the garage and she would lie there the whole day Or find herself in the kitchen not knowing how she got there Or in the garden barefoot on the grass
You must leave here Peggy said It is no good for you
She stood a little smaller every time she saw her Winnowed away by the light the rain Her fingers bone-white amid the green shoots
There are too many memories here Peggy said It will be too hard for you to stay
I would leave myself if I could she said
Not the house But the town
Or maybe the house too
The light falling through her She was dying then Quietly piece by piece so no one would notice her go
She put her hand on Imelda’s hand You are young You can start again
Yes Imelda said She knew it herself She had to leave She wanted to leave She told herself when Dickie returned to college she would go The garage was open for business again It wouldn’t be long now
Then one night he told her that Maurice had asked him to take over
Take over? she said
Maurice couldn’t do it any more Dickie said Couldn’t be in that office where Frank’s coat still hung on the door Couldn’t be on the shop floor where they’d spent so many hours side by side
Around cars all day long after what had happened
He should never have gone back he said I could see it myself
But what about you she said
It was always the plan that I would take over Dickie said It’s just happening earlier that’s all
It could be worse he told her He was sitting on the bed Frank’s bed At least it’ll mean we’ll still get to see each other
His big round face like a child’s face smiled at her She jumped to her feet She ran to the bathroom reached it just in time
In the cottage Rose gave her fennel and rosehip tea She knew from one look what was up with her
A baby she said
What? Where? Imelda started looking around her on the ground for a baby someone had left there Then the penny dropped The truth rose up in a bitter flood to fill her mouth and she jumped up to run outside again
A baby Well that put the tin hat on it didn’t it
What could you do only laugh and she did she laughed in the outhouse then laughed her way back into the kitchen and sat herself down beneath the picture of Our Saviour
Is it Frank’s Rose said
Imelda shook her head The old woman didn’t ask any more only looked at her the way she did at letters from the bank as if she couldn’t make her out at all
She didn’t go back to Goldenhill
For a day and a night she didn’t speak but lay on the bed in her old room feeling her body conspire against her and thinking of Frank How betrayed he must feel Enough to rise up from his grave and accuse her Tears running down his white face Why
Then in the morning got up and went out to Rose and told her what she wanted to do
Imelda had learned in her time in the cottage that Rose didn’t only tell fortunes and heal sprains
Girls came sometimes Not just girls but women Grown women Wives Mothers From her room Imelda would hear them weep Rose would put on the kettle Take out a box from beneath the sink
But that’s as much she knew because next thing Rose would call her Press money in her hand and remember something she needed urgently from town Go now good girl she would say and even if it was raining Imelda would see the box on the table smell the strange sharp smell in the air and do as she was told
As she went to the door she took care not to look at the girl the wife the woman snuffling in the corner Instead her eyes would always fall on Our Saviour His red heart glowing outside his body And horrible pictures would flash into her mind Stories so evil and terrifying they couldn’t possibly be true The consequences of being touched
But by the time she came back all would be peaceful The fire lit The TV on Our Saviour still looking out tranquilly from his frame the electric candle buzzing beneath him The girl or the woman would be gone In a way that made it seem she’d never been there Like it was she Rose had made disappear not the baby
Once she’d made up her mind she didn’t feel bad Or she felt bad but it just mixed in with all the other badnesses
Rose did not want to do it Hung back just as she had before with her fortune You should know there’s a danger she said If you ever in the future
Imelda didn’t care about that Told her if she didn’t do it she’d go over to England Get it done there and never come back
Rose shook her head Oh child she said She looked old then old and frail
But Imelda felt strong Strong and evil This must be her true self she thought that Mammy had seen hidden inside her
When? Rose said
Now she said
Dear dear dear Rose said shaking her head And she went to put on the kettle
Who knows would she have done it Maybe the kettle was only for tea Life at that time was like walking on a path made of spinning tops You took a step you were spun off one way The next step spun you off another Every moment was the moment when everything changed
There was a knock on the door She called not to answer it but Rose already had and there he was
He stepped inside but at first he didn’t speak Stayed looking at nothing his hands groping the air like a blind man’s
You didn’t answer your phone he said finally
She said nothing How she had prayed she might never see him again
I didn’t know where you were he said I had to ask about in town for your address Fortunately your aunt it seems your aunt is a bit of a celebrity
Then remembering Rose he turned and introduced himself Dickie We met at the ah
Rose nodded and smiled and then slipped out past him through the open door to her hens He turned back to her He looked anguished You just disappeared he said You just went Are you gone? Are you not coming back? What happened?
She shouldn’t have told him If she’d kept quiet he would have gone off Only there was a note of accusation as if he had a right to know that made her angry
I’m pregnant she said
He tugged out a chair and dropped down onto it
My God he said and then nothing more for a moment Gazed at the candle on the table that was stuck in an ancient bottle of Guinness Extra
It must be a shock when your whole life is in books to find out you have actually done something in the world for real
It’s all right she said I will destroy it
He winced He hated harming anything He’d told her once he felt bad putting bleach down the toilet because he felt sorry for the bacteria That’s why she said it to throw it in his face He sat there a minute staring at the candle his lips pressed together then suddenly jumped up
I have to go he said I have to think I’ll come back later
And off he went frowning to himself
Once he was gone Rose came in from the yard and Imelda tried to get her to do it now but she wouldn’t Not till he had come back and they’d heard what he had to say
There was nothing he could say Imelda told her but Rose wouldn’t be budged She knew of course she’d seen it all
For when he returned his mood had changed He was changed He had an excitement about him He sat down in the same chair as before He took a deep breath
I have a proposal for you he said That was how he put it And indeed a proposal was what it was though she didn’t realize straight away
It may sound strange on the face of it he said It is strange But life is strange! What we’ve been through Who could ever have imagined it
Yet isn’t it possible that from this tragedy something good could still come?
No one can replace Frank for you he said Or for me either I’m not talking about replacing him But that doesn’t mean you have to be alone To go on suffering Don’t you think he’d want someone to take care of you? Don’t you think given the circumstances this is what he would want? For you to be with someone who understands?
And then the baby I mean you don’t want to start talking about signs but isn’t that what it feels like? That it’s happened for a reason? That we’re meant to stick together?
He gazed at her in kindly wonderment smiling like a scientist who has just described his miraculous new invention that will change everything for everyone for ever But she couldn’t follow She just stared Her head spinning as it did in her dreams when she was tumbling through the air with the ground and the sky flashing past her round and round
He reached across the table Put his hand on her arm
Marriage he said I’m asking you to marry me
The car hit the ground and burst into flames
Imelda rose from the table and staggered back from it She saw his smile fade His face darken eyes widen with anxiety Then she heard herself start to bawl
You don’t have to decide right away! he called from behind her Imelda!
She howled like a baby her tears splashing on the lino around her and filling up her eyes so all the room swam
Imelda he was there at her side now Listen to me All I’m saying is that if you want me to take care of you I will
I haven’t said it yet because I don’t think it’s what you want to hear he said But I love you
The circumstances are strange but the love is real and I don’t need you to say you love me back Just let me take care of you
He held her still He looked into her eyes His face kind white round like a moon
She pulled away from him ran to the outhouse where she sank to her knees crying and vomiting It was as if he had died all over again
When she left the outhouse she did not go back inside but instead to the gate One way was the river the other was England Go now she thought Choose one It does not matter which I cannot bear any more
She reached to lift the latch but before she passed beyond she looked back
Through the window she saw Dickie at the table with his head bowed and Rose setting down a cup in front of him And all of a sudden something came to her The thing from before The time Rose read his tea leaves The future Here it was again
At the wedding
Isn’t this what Frank would want?
I mean you don’t want to start talking about signs but
I see the sun
It came It crowded in on her so furiously she had to throw her arms around the gatepost Clasp on to it to keep from sinking to the ground
Then when she was ready she walked back into the house
From then on her one concern was that someone would stop them Someone would keep it from going ahead But who would that be? If he’d been in his right mind Maurice might have stepped in but he was deep in a hole of grief and guilt and what he should have done As for poor Peggy the fight had gone out of her When they told her she closed her eyes turned her face away though at the same time she reached her hands out for theirs As though the hands were doing it while the face wasn’t looking Clutching them tight with the last of her strength
No doubt she thought that Imelda had beguiled him turned his head with her ways It was the only explanation That Dickie for all his brains was too foolish to evade her charms
That was what people were saying in the town she knew That she had shown her true colours That she’d never loved Frank it was clear now Marrying his brother while he was not cold in his grave Dickie you could forgive He was grieving the poor man Vulnerable and she comes along shaking her blonde tresses at him But she A gold-digger that was about the nicest thing you could say about her And plenty of people were happy to say worse
She didn’t care Every day brought the day closer that was all that mattered It was destiny She had seen it Who could stop it now? Who could stop her?
What about your father Dickie said
What she said
Your father Shouldn’t I meet him beforehand
She just looked at him
I don’t mean to ask for your hand he said More as a courtesy
Given the circumstances we really ought to discuss it with him beforehand he said
She did not say anything She had not told Daddy nor even thought of telling him Hadn’t spoken to him since that day at the house The less he knew the better at least till it was done
But Dickie who had said yes to the church wedding and everything else kept at her about it and in the end she gave in Who knew Maybe he’d be pleased his thoroughbred had come through after everything If not well Dickie once he’d seen the place would never want to go again So off they went to the homeplace to talk to Daddy
On the way Dickie was talking about a nursery building a nursery
A nursery she repeated
For the baby he said Oh yes yes she said
Your father might have a few tips He’s handy isn’t he
He looked at her She looked at him didn’t say anything
She realized he thought Daddy was a regular person like a carpenter or someone like that who did things Thought he lived in a little village full of turf smoke and donkeys
Frank used to call her homeplace the Badlands His name for Daddy was Garbage McCrowbar
She imagined him cracking up thinking what kind of a nursery Daddy would build Made out of car tyres he’d say Or one of his old mattresses from the back yard
Dickie was driving Peggy’s car The road was clear but he stayed just under the speed limit He had never been out this way before though it was not so far from the other garage the new one
The closer they came the quieter he got
Left here she said He turned left
In the estate the council had painted the wall over and someone had sprayed DONIE CULLEN IS BACK BEWEAR and someone else RATS OUT DEATH TO RATS and someone else TORI IS WET FOR ANTO
She remembered Tori a little girl playing on the street with her dolly
This is it she said
This one? Dickie said hopefully pointing at Noeleen’s house with the gnomes She just laughed
Imagined how it must look to him The bits of engines laid to rust The car up on blocks from before she was born A bag of old clothes spilling out onto the grass Seven yellow gas cylinders that he must have lifted from somewhere
That one she said to Dickie and saw him flinch And suddenly it wasn’t funny any more Suddenly she could see it too All the badness that was there in that house like it lay strewn among the garbage and she turned around about to tell him Look Forget it It’s not like you think it is Let’s get out of here while we have the chance
But then the door opened and there was Daddy in a string vest with a Mars Bar in one hand and a can of Harp in the other Come out of the house to see who was in the car and when he saw it was her he went down to the gate
Daddy wasn’t happy at being disturbed she could tell But he brought them inside sat down at the table cracked open another can set it down in front of Dickie
Thank you I’m driving actually Dickie said Daddy stared at him like he had two heads
There was a silence Dickie looked at her to say something but she didn’t know what to say She was wondering how she had ever thought this was a good idea
Dickie cleared his throat Well Mr Caffrey it’s like this he said and Daddy’s face darkened because the only people to call him Mr Caffrey were the social and the guards
Now the brothers came into the room leaning up against the counter as Dickie continued his speech arms folded staring at him JohnJoe Golly back from England Christy Lar who looked thinner meaner than before
Dickie swallowed but he kept going
What happened was a tragedy he said But is it possible that from it some good may still come?
What’s he saying? Daddy turned to Imelda while Dickie was still talking I can’t understand a word out of him
It’s Dickie Daddy she said You met him at the wake Frank’s wake
Nothing can replace Frank Dickie said As his brother I know that better than anyone It must seem strange but life is strange
Daddy goggled at him He could not make head nor tail of him She kicked Dickie under the table that he might shut up and they get out of there with their hides but on he went But the truth is I love your daughter
And this Daddy caught
You what? Daddy half-rose to his feet Placed his hands flat on the table While the brothers all leaned forward uncrossed their arms You done what now? And in an instant he had Dickie by the throat with his fist raised ready to start laying into him while in the same instant the brothers closed in around him and her own screams rang in her ears like echoes of all the times this had happened before To the boy who had walked her home To the drunk outside the bookie’s To the black salesman who had called to the door and told her about his great deals on electricity
Stop she cried Stop He’s Frank’s brother
Daddy froze His face untwisted
Didn’t you tell him Dickie gasped in a high-pitched voice
Tell me what Daddy said Then again Tell me what?!
Reluctantly she said
We’re getting married she said
Very slowly Daddy lowered his fist He stared at Dickie Then he turned and stared at her in total incomprehension
She stood up Come on she muttered to Dickie
For a moment he didn’t move Only gaped back at her and her brothers and her father helplessly like a deer watching a pack of wolves draw in Then he fumbled his way to his feet Squeezed out of his chair
I know it must seem strange he said again
Daddy and the brothers didn’t speak nor did they move as she edged towards the door It was like they’d been frozen But when she’d got him outside and was walking down to the gate with him she knew without looking back that they were there on the step all of them and though they weren’t moving she could feel them ready to move Braced to move like an arrow drawn back
So they walked very calmly and slowly down the concrete path to the gate past the car on blocks and the dog on the back seat that lifted its head to watch her go by
Beside her Dickie’s breath came in a weird hissing He walked stiff and upright like a toy soldier
As they passed through the gate he said to her Should we ask your father if he wants to do a reading
She said without looking at him Get us out of here for Jesus’s sake
And they both got in and for the next what seemed like for ever Dickie reversed and turned reversed and turned bringing the car around
While from the step without moving without speaking Daddy and her brothers watched
For a long time they drove in silence Dickie’s face deathly white He clung on to the wheel like without it he’d keel right over then outside Belfinin where it was quiet he stopped the car at the side of the road
He said That didn’t go so well
Don’t mind him she said He’s like that with everyone
He seemed surprised Dickie said It was like he didn’t know
He didn’t know we were to be wed he said and turned to her looked at her with wide eyes
She looked back at him She didn’t know what to say
Dickie was looking at her still in a way he hadn’t done before as if she was a person instead of a holy ideal a saint in the stained glass
Is this mad he said Are we doing something mad
She felt a pulse of fear in her throat
Do you not want to do it she said
He looked back at the wheel still in his hands His face was white and clammy They had not lain together since she left Goldenhill
I’m not saying that he said
But maybe we should postpone it a few months Give people a chance to get their heads around it There’s no sense rushing it
The fear rose up to her head grabbed hold of her mind shouted NO NO
But she just said to him very serenely But there’s the baby
She turned back to look at the road If Daddy knew about that she said
Dickie’s face turned greenish It was mad The penny had dropped A girl he barely knew from Adam now he was going to marry her Have a baby with her It was lunacy pure lunacy Now he was going to call the whole thing off
She knew she had to say something It all depended on him To him this was a real wedding
She reached out her hand put it on top of his which was on top of the gearstick He’s just overprotective she said I’ll talk to him
Don’t worry darling she said
He seemed comforted At least he started up the car again
She should not have let him go out there He was not the kind of person Daddy would like It would have been better if Daddy had not found out till afterwards Better for everybody
But too late for that
That evening the van pulled up outside the cottage She watched from a crack in the curtain as the door opened but it was Lar
He didn’t come in Instead stood smoking in the yard the hens pecking around his feet Don’t do this he told her
What did he say? she asked Did he say he’d go after Dickie? Did he say he’d hurt Dickie?
Lar shook his head You he said
And she knew then it would be okay For Daddy in all these years had never laid a finger on her She was his untouched beauty And no matter what happened he would never let her come to harm
He can’t stop it she said simply and as she did she knew it was true He couldn’t No one could Rose had seen it For her it had already happened For everyone else there was no more to do but to wait
Will you come she said to Lar
Lar didn’t reply He put out his cigarette then said he had to go She wondered would she ever see him again
She told Dickie Daddy had called over to apologize and was looking forward to the big day
That’s good Dickie said We wouldn’t want there to be bad blood
That was the last she heard from Daddy till the day of the wedding but in the final run-up Peggy invited her over for tea Just us girls she said
Imelda put on her good dress only to find Peggy in an old cardigan and hardly had she served the tea than she took Imelda outside to the garden where she went around the flower beds telling her the name of each plant and the care that must be taken of it This is phlox This is hellebore This one only likes ericaceous soil while a blackbird hopped about the earth
It made no sense to her then to Imelda Outside in the air amidst the bright flowers and the birdsong you could not see she was sick Only slow only old It wasn’t till she had died Imelda remembered it and realized she had been asking her to take care of them Her flowers when she was gone
These peonies Peggy said They did nothing for years she said I was on the verge of scrapping them Now look
Imelda looked at them Huge pink-white blossoms Not even like flowers more like some magician’s illusion made out of tissue or coloured ice
It just goes to show Peggy said Things take their own time
Then bending down as if she were showing Imelda another flower in the border she said When Dickie was a little boy he wanted more than anything to be like his brother
Though Frank was younger Dickie idolized him
No She caught herself He didn’t idolize him In fact I’m not sure he even liked him very much But everyone else liked Frank and that’s what Dickie wanted for himself He wanted to be the boy that everyone liked But he was very clever and very complicated and you can’t be clever and complicated and have everyone like you That is just not how it works And he ended up making himself very sad
She moved along the border with slow shuffling steps clinging to Imelda’s arm In school he tried to play football she said Oh my Lord it was a disaster I was so happy when he went off to college and started figuring out his own way to be
I never wanted him to come back here she said Running a garage Dickie Can you imagine anything more absurd
And yet here we are she said
She stopped looked Imelda in the eye You see Dickie still wants to be the boy that everyone likes He wants to be a local hero like his brother was Stepping up Saving the day But that is not who he is And I fear he will end up making himself and the people around him very unhappy
Look at that she said bending down and clasping a green stem between her fingers Acanthus bear’s breeches we called it a lovely thing but it will take over the garden if you let it
From her hunkers she looked up at Imelda sidelong
I know what people say about you she said And I know it isn’t true
I know you loved Frank I know how hard it has been for you these last months Maybe I am the only one who knows it
We have all done what we had to in order to survive It seems clear to me that that explains your relationship with Dickie
I just wonder what kind of a life you see the two of you having together
Imelda had no answer
Peggy rose to her feet Let out a little gasp as she did so She turned to face Imelda She was smaller than her now lost inside her old gardening coat There’s no need to rush into this she said quietly You can wait Live together Times have changed No one will judge you for that Not after what you’ve been through
She took Imelda’s hand in hers rubbed the back of it with her fingers Take the time to get to know each other Then decide what you want to do Don’t let a date on a calendar decide the rest of your life That makes sense doesn’t it?
Imelda nodded
So will I tell him to postpone? Peggy asked gently Will I tell Dickie to call the church Tell them that you want to postpone?
The wind went ssshhhhhhhh At the feeder birds went tweet-tweet
Her fingertips made circles and circles on the back of Imelda’s hand
Imelda looked into her eyes That were grey-blue clever complicated like Dickie’s eyes like chessboards And just for a moment she thought What if none of it was true What if he was not going to be there What if the wedding was only a wedding and after it I would be married with a baby like anyone else
But only for a moment Then gently she took back her hand
Peggy didn’t speak didn’t move only held her gaze there among the flowers then at last said We should go inside
It had started to rain she hadn’t realized
Peggy turned and walked ahead of her to the house grey as a ghost the spring light paring her away
She was sorry Imelda was sorry But how could she explain it to Peggy when she couldn’t explain it even to herself When even to herself she hardly dared think it except in her most secret heart of hearts
No she must be quiet for a little while longer And so she was until the day came at last
The day came she could hardly believe it Jumped out of bed ran to the window and there it was A sunny day Yes the sun I see the sun
And it shone all morning Shone through everything Through the bridesmaids fussing round her in Rose’s cottage Through Daddy at the door letting bygones be bygones with a car in the yard to take her to church
Shone through the car stopped in the lane The farmer in his tractor asking was something the matter Daddy telling him it was a bee Didn’t a bee get in there under her veil Even that paled to nothing the sun burning through it so there was only the light like she was looking right into it
Looking into the sun all the way to the church In case it might disappear out of the sky
Till there she was The moment had come she stood at the top of the church hardly able to breathe Every face turned to her Through the veil scanning them and casting them aside looking only for him Him
But there was no sign of him
Nor was he at the church door nor at the gates among the gawpers though she had not expected to see him there
Churches were not his thing in fact it would more likely be the hotel
They went straight there Skipped the pictures Out on the lawn Inside in the ballroom Searching through faces eye throbbing behind the veil till she thought it might explode
Through the crowd back and forth So intent on finding his that she barely recognized the faces that stopped her to talk to her Joe Daly Antoinette Corrigan Billy Farley barely heard the words spouting from their mouths Back and forth over and over Till the time came for dinner and she had to sit down Won’t you eat something Won’t you lift up the veil Dickie said in her ear Then the speeches began and he had to be silent
Words Each of them Maurice Dolly the best man Dickie himself with tears in their eyes each speaking his name Dear friend Beloved son Only brother His name passing through the air over her head like a quick bird fluttering by her unseen to roost up in the shadows in the eaves and she thought Will that bring him? Will he come now? Looking at Rose across the table who only nodded and grinned her gap-toothed grin as if to say Patience
But she could hardly bear it any longer Every time there was a flicker in a far corner she’d be half out of her seat But it would be only an aunt come back from the toilet or a waiter clearing plates or somebody lighting a fag or a reflection of the silverware or nothing just nothing
She told herself Wait She knew he was there all this time she could feel him Trying to reach her To speak to her
And this was the moment The wedding The magical union The transformations that God made His own self Water becomes wine Two become one Girl becomes woman Widow becomes bride Her life that was gone today she’d get back again
Yet the hours went by and there was no sign And now the best man raised a glass for the final toast To the bride and groom he said and they all stood with their drinks And her heart raced not with joy this time but dread
He would come! Rose had seen it! She had said it all those months ago A ghost At the wedding I see a ghost He had laughed he was alive It made no sense then But now it was clear A ghost at the wedding Who else could it be?
Yet the panic rose inside her And as the crowd cheered and the applause went off like machine guns in her ears she looked up and down right and left and into her mind came all those nights before that he had not appeared
In the graveyard kneeling in the earth talking to him begging him Come
Climbing out the window walking barefoot to Naancross
Lying on his bed on his sheets in his room Wearing his clothes his jeans his jacket
Drinking his bottles smoking his hash one time in his pocket she found a wrap of coke snorted half of it rubbed the rest on her gowl then threw open the window and spread herself out on the bed for him to come and lick it off her Telling herself it was him when she tingled
The crying the weeping battering her head against the tiles of the shower so he might witness her misery and take pity and come He did not
Lying with his brother his own brother in his own bed doing what she had never let him do so he would be enraged and come How could he not come then but he did not
Because he was waiting for this she had told herself
Waiting for the wedding day their wedding day It’s what Frank would want Dickie said Yes
But now the lights went down The floor emptied The band leader announced the first dance Dickie took her hand and brought her onto the dance floor
Where is he? she screamed back at Rose Where is he?
Rose only goggled at her
You said! You said! through her veil over her shoulder You said he would be here!
But no A ghost at the wedding that was what she said She did not say whose
Then as Imelda stepped onto the floor they had left clear for dancing she saw something flash through the back of the room
Fleeting white faceless Drawing closer Coming straight towards her through the dark A shimmering bright haze As it rose from the guests At last she thought for what else could it be And her heart rose too soared sang she made for it it made for her At last she thought for one blissful instant
Till she saw Dickie there at the apparition’s side and she realized
It was her reflection
Her own self in the mirror at the back of the room In her veil and white haze of lace That’s all it was Then she understood
She was the one Rose had seen in her vision She was the ghost
A leftover from another life A remnant of something that was no more That was her Haunting the feast
And Dickie placed his hands on her hips and the band began to play