III

Well I ask you is it any wonder the girl turned out so strange

How’s she doing now Geraldine asks

Oh much better she says Pretty much fully recovered Only a bump really Just gave us a scare

Is this Cassie? Una says Did something happen her?

Imelda says nothing pretends to be occupied with her net Una Dwan knows well what happened

She took ill at the Lions Club dinner Geraldine says In the middle of Maurice’s speech Fainted clear away

Oh says Una

It was nothing Imelda says She hadn’t eaten And then the heat in there

Ah yes Una says and they are silent a moment except for the splash and swoosh of the nets in the water

She’s her exam results coming out soon doesn’t she Una says

Thursday Imelda says

That would be on her mind too I suppose

But Cass is so clever she’s bound to do well Roisin says I’m sure she’s worrying over nothing

I don’t see why they’re all so mad to go up to Dublin anyway Geraldine says All it is is a rat race

I never went to college and I did all right she says dropping a takeaway box into a black sack You didn’t go either Imelda did you

Dickie went though didn’t he Roisin remembers Did he like it Dublin

That was before we knew each other Imelda says and lowers her net once more

They have been there for hours the Tidy Towns Steering Committee On the banks of the river fishing out burger wrappers beer cans a sunlounger It’s dusk but it feels like midday Warmth coming off everything The reeking water The black sacks of garbage piled up beside them All in their overalls except for Roisin who’s dressed up as usual in case she meets someone Who? says Geraldine Fly-tippers? You never know Roisin says Maybe the guy with the sunlounger will come back Geraldine says Well someone’s been here Maisie says now peering into a ditch under a scraggle of brambles The amount of condoms Is there nowhere else these people can find to have sex than a pile of rubbish in this day and age I mean seriously

They keep wanting to talk about Cass The Leaving Pushing on it like it’s a bruise

You’ll miss her Imelda Maisie says I’m telling you When my Timothy went up to Galway we were bawling for weeks

It won’t be like that with Cass Imelda says Unless it’s tears of happiness

That’s what you think Maisie says I remember well my Timothy waiting on his results he was an absolute Antichrist We couldn’t wait to be rid of him Then the day came and it felt like being hit by a truck

Don’t mind them Imelda Geraldine says You’ll have your life back it’ll be brilliant

I don’t know Una says Mine are left years and I still miss them

You spend so long wanting them gone she says then they leave and you’re worse off than ever It’s like the menopause

Exactly Maisie says It’s only when they’re gone you realize they’re never coming back

---

Yes in the middle of Maurice’s speech the girl picked her moment all right One minute she’s in floods of tears the next her eyes roll up in her head and she tips over backwards taking the tablecloth with her and half the glasses

They didn’t know had she had a fit or a brain haemorrhage or what She had to be carried out of the hotel on a stretcher Taken to the county hospital In the ambulance Imelda sat at her side stroked her hair it was all she could do The siren blared The lights on the computers flashed It seemed like a long time since she’d seen her asleep She looked so young like that When she was a baby she would never go down Imelda could rock her till she was blue in the face then as soon as she laid her in her crib she’d be roaring again The only way to get her off to sleep was the car The engine noise it must have been or the motion It was funny after what had happened to Frank neither she nor Dickie liked to drive Now they were in the car every night tooling round the back roads half-asleep at two in the morning Lucky they weren’t all killed Though would she even have noticed She was that tired Didn’t put on make-up for a full year More than once she went to the supermarket and realized she’d tied her hair up with a pair of knickers In the pram the girl screaming wanting to go back in the car

Now she was the age Imelda had been when she’d met Frank and all of that had begun Her great love her life

It went by in a flash didn’t it A little squalling baby to a full-grown woman It seemed to take no time at all

But she still looked no more than a child How could you ever let her go

---

It never even occurred to them she might have been drinking not till the nurse asked Then when they pumped her stomach they thought she’d had eight or nine shots at least Later Dickie heard from the barman at the hotel she’d been ordering martinis which she must somehow have conspired to drink herself with no one seeing Why God who knew Who knew why Cass did anything

It could have been worse the doctor said She’ll be sore for a few days But she’s not in any serious danger

In these circumstances however we would recommend she has a psychological evaluation he said We would classify something like this as self-harm Has Cassandra a history of alcohol abuse?

They didn’t answer Didn’t look at each other Sort of shrugged She’s usually very good Imelda said eventually

I see Has she been under stress recently?

She’s waiting for her exam results Dickie said

Ah the doctor said in that way doctors have Looking at the two of them figuring out was it one or both of them at the root of it

---

Dickie stayed at the hospital Let Imelda go back with Maurice Only as she got into the car did she realize why he’d been so gallant that he’d left it to her to explain to his father what had happened Why Cass had ruined his big day For ruin it she did let there be no question about that

She thought of making something up but she knew the truth would come out sooner or later Better he heard it from her she thought So she told him straight on the way home in the car She was drinking she said She’s been drinking

Cassandra? Maurice said He looked more surprised than if it had been a haemorrhage His little girl He thought butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth Ha

I never thought she’d be the type he said

It’s all tied up with these bloody old exams she said

Ah yes he said These kids are under so much pressure I remember well with Dickie Not so much with Frank He could have used a bit more pressure

It’s harder for the clever ones he said Because of people’s expectations But she’ll do brilliantly I have no doubt

Well there’s more to it than that Maurice I’m afraid she said And she told him how Cassandra as he knew was dying to go off to college in Dublin only in the last few months she was scared there wouldn’t be money for her to get because of the situation with the garage Situation That was the word she used And she watched his face as she said it to see how he would react but his face didn’t change It was as if he hadn’t heard of the situation and he continued not to hear of it even as she said it to him But behind that of course he was doing his calculations and drawing up his plans

Yes probably better all things considered that she was the one said it to him and not Dickie who would only have made a hames of it Turned it into a conversation about sales strategies or electric cars or something that Maurice could just dismiss His own worst enemy sometimes But with her Maurice was always at pains to show what a gentleman he was

I didn’t realize he said

I’m sorry Maurice she said There’s no sense dragging you into our mess Cass will be fine There’s a grant she can get We’ll figure something out You’ve got your golf game to think about

I wish you had told me he said sounding humbled

I didn’t want to worry you she said

Yes better to have done it this way She and Cass Damsels in distress Leave Dickie out of it And that was all it took in the end After so much worrying Month after month The very next morning she got a message from him to say he had cancelled his flight Booked himself in at the hotel That he was going to roll up his sleeves and help them get this sorted out

She asked him would he not stay with them but he said he didn’t want to be a burden with Cass unwell And she was grateful for that because he could be a difficult house guest The last time he visited he’d brought his own hard-boiled eggs wrapped in clingfilm and four cans of Campbell’s soup in his case like he was worried he was going to starve there

---

She waited till Dickie came back from the hospital to tell him the news But he didn’t have much to say Just nodded As if this was just some little fancy of hers and not the last remaining chance of keeping their heads above water It made her angry Though it was true she’d have preferred if Maurice had just written them a cheque Instead all this talk about helping out and digging in and coming up with a plan What exactly did that mean

But it’s good she said I mean whatever he does It’ll be better now won’t it We’re out of the woods

Of course Dickie agreed It’s great news altogether He was just exhausted after the night on the hospital floor That was all

As for Cass who had come back with him she was delighted with herself Sat up in her bed like an Empress Had everyone waiting on her hand and foot Her little friends all flocking to see her Elaine Rowan the boyfriend or ex-boyfriend Sarah Jane is it Hinchy Various girls from her class with Get Well Soon cards and hand-picked flowers All of them making a fuss as if she’d survived a shipwreck and not just got blotto and hit her head off a chair leg Drama It’s catnip for those girls

Not a trace of remorse needless to say for spoiling Maurice’s dinner and embarrassing the family in front of the whole town Instead Imelda got the distinct impression Cass believed it was their fault Hers and Dickie’s As if they’d poured those martinis down her throat themselves Barely a word for them And when Dickie went to her with news that Granddad had offered to help with her college expenses she told him she wasn’t going to go

She’s not?

She thinks she’s failed her exams Dickie said looking very morose

Failed? But how would she have failed? Imelda said She’s always got good marks

Unless she failed out of spite she thought But even Cass wouldn’t do that Would she?

Dickie just sighed and went to put on his work boots Not long after that Victor McHugh’s van appeared in the yard and she saw the two of them stumping off into the forest She almost felt sorry for him For so long he and Cass were thick as thieves with their books and their nature walks and their online petitions Now he was getting a taste of what she had had from her from day one arriving out of her womb jabbing her little elbows all the way

---

The Tidy Towns Committee has its work cut out this year The flood having been all over the national news Forget your dirty linen this was raw sewage flowing down the street for all to see Plus the murder still hangs over them That man who did for his family Even though it was in the next town over the Dublin newspapers are always getting it wrong saying it was here

Geraldine knows their neighbour from her jam-making course

It’s still there the house she says Imagine being stuck next door to that Her kids’ve been having nightmares for two solid years

What was he like Maisie says

Oh the usual story Geraldine says Seemed fine Took the kids to football No trouble ever then next thing you know

God knows what’s going on inside any of them Maisie says Men

I know Roisin says Trying to get two words out of Martin was like blood from a stone Until the day he turned around and told me he’d stopped loving me

Same with my Derek says Maisie Like a block of wood he is except when the Premier League is on That’s where he lets out all his emotions Him and Sky Sports It’s the romance of the century

They are beside the train station scrubbing at graffiti with old toothbrushes

The things people write Una says staring at the wall N-words out Up the Ra What is it they’re hoping to achieve?

A lot of people looking for gay sex too Putting up their phone numbers though who knows is any of it genuine or is it people playing pranks

There could hardly be that many gays in the town could there? Maisie says Even secret gays?

Ring them up and see Roisin says Ask them if they’ll make do with a straight woman

It can’t be as bad as that Geraldine says

It is Roisin says It’s worse

Are you not on the apps

I have all the apps and it doesn’t make any difference Roisin says

You must be doing something wrong Una says

It’s been so long Roisin says sadly I couldn’t get Martin to look at me the last year and a half

Sure mine’s as bad Geraldine says That’s why I got Mystery Mickey

I have it worse Maisie says He’s at me all the time looking for it

How is that worse? Geraldine says

Maisie draws in a long breath through her nose You would have to be there she says

How about you? Do you still do it? Geraldine says

Who, me? Imelda says

Who, me? Geraldine parrots with a laugh

The odd time Imelda says It’s always very—

She tries to think of a word other than neat but she can’t

Neat she says

I’ll take neat Geraldine says

I would have taken neat Roisin says In a heartbeat

I haven’t felt much like it lately Imelda says Neither of us has

Married with children – the ultimate unphrodisiac Geraldine says I wish someone had told me that when I was forking out two grand for a wedding dress

---

The night before the results come out she dreams she has a pain Cass’s little elbows jabbing into her again

She can’t get back to sleep so she goes downstairs Dickie’s already there She turns on the radio It’s on every station Inescapable

Sixty thousand students will be biting their nails this morning

For students across the country the wait is finally over

Then Cass appears Unbidden Dressed in black She tells them she wants to go in to school to pick up her grades there before they go online

Even though I know I failed she says

Oh says Dickie with false heartiness as if he hasn’t heard this last bit Why not sure?

So what if she failed she thinks when they are gone What’s all the fuss about But then on her phone the Tidy Towns girls have all sent her messages wishing her luck and she thinks again of that word Failed Imagines telling them Oh yes she got her results she failed Then telling Maurice seeing him think It is she dragged Cass down It is she cancelled out Dickie’s brains What is the sense of helping these people The first day of the rest of your life she thinks then like in a vision sees Cass in the future fat and pasty in a top out of Penneys and make-up robbed off a pallet doing scratchcards in the forecourt of the petrol station while her streel of kids feck pennies at the Plexiglas to get a rise out of the lad working behind the counter Or ironing shirts while some lunk of a man with arms like sides of meat watches telly A car up on blocks in the yard a dog asleep on the bonnet

Then they are home Suddenly there like a whirlwind Cass laughing and clamouring As happy as Imelda’s ever seen her We got them! she exclaims and hugs her.

You did! Imelda says reaching for the phone to tell the girls Wait who’s we? she says

Elaine and me Cass says and starts reciting grades though are they hers or Elaine’s? Imelda looks in disarray to Dickie who hands her a printout and there is Cass’s name at the top and then her grades all As and Bs

Brilliant! Imelda says So you both passed

With flying colours Dickie says

We got almost exactly the same marks Cass says

And how about Sarah Jane Hinchy? Imelda says To which Cass just rolls her eyes Why would you even ask that? she says

Right no yeah Imelda says

That’s like asking about some completely random stranger Cass says Dickie winks at Imelda behind her back Yes right of course Imelda says as she types She did it!!!!!! and taking comfort from the pings of congratulation that come back as Cass continues to complain about her mentioning Sarah Jane Hinchy

What’s all the racket? PJ says coming in though the very fact he asks shows he knows the answer And when Dickie tells him he appears pleased but slightly embarrassed the way he does in fact when he gets a good report himself Don’t look so surprised! Cass laughs then so does PJ and then Dickie joins in then Imelda too Here is the relief at last Those bloody exams hanging over them for how long Now they are done at last She has passed They have passed The family They have done it together

I am so out of here says Cass

---

So they go for lunch in the town to celebrate and Maurice comes from the hotel to join them and makes a big joke of tasting Cass’s drink to make sure it’s Coke and not something else and they sit out on the terrace at Genevieve’s in the sun and the neighbours pass by and Dickie gives them the good news and Cass says stop telling everyone and Imelda feels a kind of worn happiness like they are normal

Then Dickie goes back to the garage and Cass goes off to see Elaine and Maurice fishes a fiver out of his pocket and sends PJ down to the square to get himself a Cornetto even though he’s just had cake and the two of them are alone Her and Maurice

She says to him again how wonderful it is about Cass and how grateful they are for his help setting her up in Dublin all that

Yes he says and then Don’t mention it please

And she apologizes again for the ruined dinner and again he is very courteous and says frankly he was glad to get out of there

She sits back for a moment absorbing the heat and thinking could Tidy Towns fit hanging baskets to those street lamps and just generally how long has it been that she’s not been worrying about something Then idly she says Will you go back to Portugal now do you think

Well as a matter of fact Maurice says I wanted to have a word with you about that

And he looks at her and though the sun is still blazing down it’s like there is a shadow and she sits up and says Oh?

I meant to go back the day after the dinner as you know he says But the extra week has been a great opportunity to get the lay of the land

At the garage she says

At the garage he says And having looked around and talked to Phil and a few others I think it might be wiser for me to stay on a little longer until it’s properly back on its feet

Oh she says and then Do you think that’s necessary?

I do he says and for a moment that’s all he says He looks into his cup Casts about for the waiter and signals for another coffee Before turning back to her

The truth is I knew Dickie was having some problems he says But I had no idea how bad things had got

Bad’s not the word she says The recession has been a nightmare here Maurice an absolute nightmare It hit everyone the whole town

But he waves this away as he might a wasp making eyes at his cake The recession is over he says

He takes off his sunglasses rubs his eyes examines something on his fingertip he has evidently found there I simply can’t be confident handing back the reins to Dickie he says That’s what it comes down to I can’t just write a blank cheque and ride off into the sunset Not if I don’t feel he has things in hand

He does she says I mean he will He just needed getting over that hump is all

Maurice slowly shakes his head I’d like to believe that he says I would But it’s not what I’m hearing

Hearing from who

Hearing from everyone he says Even as I walk down the street people are coming up to me and telling me the problems they’ve had

Like what she says

Well since you ask I’ll tell you he says People are coming up to me saying they left in their car for a service or an oil change or a broken tail light or whatever and then when they got it back it was making a noise

A noise she says

Yes a noise And some of them that’s as far as they got Some of them brought the car back in and the problem went away But a few of them went elsewhere Over to Joe Mulcahy or to Forrest’s and what they found was the cat converter was gone out of the engine That’s the thing behind the exhaust that converts the toxic gases

I know what a catalytic converter is she said You mean someone had taken it? Out of these cars?

There are valuable metals in it Maurice says Platinum Palladium Rhodium know what that is? It’s the most expensive precious metal An ounce of it will cost you twenty grand Gather enough of these converters in short and you might make a few quid

He squints at her across the table Are you familiar with an employee named Ryszard Brankowski?

She starts Then in her most imperious tone replies I do not take an interest in the doings of the mechanics

Well I’ll tell you who’s taking an interest and that’s the Gardaí he snaps back

This time she can’t hide her shock She raises her cup but her hand is trembling so she puts it back down again and looks about instead to see is there any sign of PJ

You think this Ryszard fellow took the converters she says

I don’t know what to think Maurice says Or how long it’s been going on There could be dozens of cars affected People who haven’t noticed anything is wrong Or they didn’t want to say anything because they knew Dickie was having trouble

From the other side of the street Georgie Moran hollers out There’s the man! Howya Maurice!

Ah eh hello Georgie Maurice waves back at him

There’s a case in point he says to her in a whisper though Georgie has moved off to the lights Came up to me yesterday and ate the face off me for what we supposedly did to his wife’s old Nissan! I had to give him a hundred and sixty quid out of my own pocket just to get him to go away The whole bloody car isn’t worth that much Didn’t even have a cat converter it was that old Still it won’t stop him going around blabbing to everybody he meets

This business is about relationships You get a bad name it takes years to rebuild that trust In short you can see why I’m reluctant to hand back over to Dickie

Now it’s Imelda who doesn’t know what to think She looks down the road after Georgie who waits at the pedestrian crossing Enormous ears pink in the sunlight The wife’s ears are huge too she recalls And they’ve a boy PJ’s friend with a head like a hang glider

The guards are involved? she says at last

They’re after this fellow for being part of some ring over in England he says This Ryszard

But he’s a mechanic Imelda says They’re Phil’s department

Phil told me he complained to Dickie about Ryszard Maurice says And Dickie didn’t do anything

Phil complains about everyone Imelda starts to say but Maurice raises his voice over hers It happened on Dickie’s watch Imelda That’s the point It’s the same as at the dinner If his daughter passes out drunk—

Cass? How was that his—

Because he is the head of the family! He is the captain of the ship and if that ship runs aground If his daughter should fall down drunk in front of every bloody bigwig in the town Christ I’ve never been so humiliated

The waiter arrives with his coffee Maurice tails off Raises his hands to his head Kneads his scalp with thick fingers

Well it’s all coming out now isn’t it she thinks But she says You don’t think he’s mixed up in this? Dickie? You don’t think he’s behind these missing converters?

Maurice sighs Turns his hand over and inspects the garnet on a big ring as if he can see his face in it I should never have left him in charge he says Dickie has no judgement Frank now someone would walk in off the street and he’d have them sized up in thirty seconds Dickie can never understand anything unless it’s in a book

She waits till he’s finished tamps down her fury So you’re going to stay and keep an eye on things she says trying not to make her voice too icy

I don’t want to see the place go under he says I can’t afford to Everything else I lost in the crash My savings The money from the house This is all I have left So yes I’m going to monitor it until I’m happy that it’s functioning as it should

He looks down at his ring again There is something he does not want to tell her

But I can’t do it alone he says Not at my stage of life So I’ve been talking to a local businessman who’s offered to come on board and help get the place back in shape

A local businessman? she repeats Heat rises up through her body Pools in her head Who is this businessman?

A local man he says You know him Michael Comerford

Big Mike she exclaims Are you joking Sure he’s only a crook!

Maurice regards her patiently across the table The way a doctor might look at a little girl who won’t take her medicine Dickie will still— he begins

A crook is all he is! Isn’t he in debt to every Tom Dick and Harry in the county! Talk about the captain of the ship Didn’t he go bust with his houses and his animal feed and everything else he touched! If he hadn’t signed it all over to his wife he’d be locked up! The same wife he cheated on with the bloody housemaid!

Maurice lowers his eyes People are looking now from the other tables from the street People! This bloody town is full of people!

What about Dickie she says

Dickie will still be involved Maurice says There are no plans to dislodge him This is a temporary arrangement He’s still welcome to come into the garage and—

Welcome? she says The heat returns whirls through her head He’s welcome to come in?

I’m just proposing he step back for a little while Maurice says Frankly I think he’ll be happy to

Who’ll be happy? PJ has reappeared on the other side of the canvas divider licking a Twister

We all will Maurice says turning his grandfatherly smile back on We all will

---

She’s raging all the way home Isn’t that the size of Maurice Barnes That’s how you get ahead in business obviously Shaft the people closest to you and replace them with conmen Shaft your own son who gave up his dreams to run that bloody garage Who could be in Dubai now an architect an engineer building skyscrapers only that Maurice dumped it on him Just like he dumped the house on them that they’ll be paying off the rest of their lives Millstone after millstone that he left them with The great benefactor!

It’s spite is what it is Pure spite for what happened at the dinner Can you believe it? she says to Dickie expecting him to hit the roof

But Dickie already knows

We talked about it a couple of days ago he says Dad came into the garage

She is speechless He knows! And there they were in the restaurant together The two of them all smiles! So you’re just going to accept it she says Accept that he’s fired you Your own father

He hasn’t fired me Dickie says untying the laces of his good shoes He just wants the place to himself for a couple of weeks It’s pretty standard if you want to do an in-depth review

But he won’t have the place to himself she says He’s bringing in Big bloody Mike!

He shrugs It makes sense to have a fresh face if you’re looking for new investors he says

It makes sense? she repeats Your own father turfs you out for Big Mike? He’s punishing you after him not lifting a finger to help all these years?

He doesn’t reply He takes off his shoes tugs on his boots

Dickie?

This is what you wanted he says It was your idea to drag my father into it

Don’t pin it on me she says I didn’t want this

Well then it’s no one’s idea It’s no one’s fault I’m sorry but what do you want me to say?

She wants him to say I’m angry Imelda! I’m raging! After all that I did to keep that place going After everything I put you lads through!

Or Jesus Imelda it’s a knock to my pride no question but the God’s honest truth that place was killing me Maybe this is just what I need To step back and think about what I want from the future Especially now the kids are getting older

But no there’s none of that He doesn’t seem angry or upset particularly to have his business taken away from him She watches as he ties up his boots Criss-crossing the laces and fitting them into the metal hooks Not looking at her

What about these catalytic converters? she says

Dickie puts his coat back on Mumbles that it’s the first he’s heard of it Whoever had a problem he wishes they’d just come to him instead of going behind his back to Maurice

She hesitates before saying it and then And this fellow Ryszard? What about him?

Ryszard? he says vaguely

Maurice said the guards were looking for him she says Is it he took the converters? Is that what they think?

I don’t know what they think he says If it was him he’s long gone

She pauses again then Who was he?

Who was he?

Yes yes The one they’re after Do you remember him What was he like?

He thinks Tall fellow he says Wasn’t he? Polish? I don’t know Imelda There’s that many fellas go through there And we were so busy then during the flood

Right she says

Probably gone back to Poland he says Especially if the guards are after him

Yes she says

I really don’t remember he says

---

But she remembers

The girls couldn’t stop talking about him Roisin had brought her car in and seen him and then Geraldine had gone in with hers even though there was nothing wrong with it just to have a look

Gorgeous they agreed

Imelda ask him if he does call-outs

Tell him I need a full service

Tell him to bring his grease gun

She didn’t know who they meant Even at the best of times she steered clear of the workshop A troll cave full of leering youngfellas and lumpy old-timers like Phil

Then one day not long after the flood the fuel light had started flashing on the Camry and she’d decided to bring it in then and there

The workshop is a big dark barn of a place No sunlight and whenever she goes in she gets the feeling that she’s interrupted something Because it’s always weirdly quiet instead of full of hammering and welding as you might expect she’ll find herself in this sudden silence calling out Hello? like in a horror film until the mechanics all come lurching out of the shadows like bugs

And that’s how it was that day Out they came But not him He did not appear just yet He stayed in the shadows like someone who knows you will see him in time Who knows your eye will search him out before you even know you’re looking

It was Phil she talked to first Stumpy little Phil like an ancient Teletubby and you’d get more satisfaction out of one of them She told him what was wrong and he started in with the usual It could be this It could be that till she cut him off It’s definitely this she said

All right he says throwing up his hands like she’s some whimsical old biddy asking him to turn it into a Roman chariot and he calls out Ryszard he shouts Come and set up the Camry there

And the boy rolls out from under Murt Fegan’s old pickup and as he comes over he’s smiling to himself because he knows she’s spotted him already and he knows she knows he knows Because it’s obvious before he even comes into the light that this is the boy the girls were talking about

When she was young she had a cat once called Dancer Well it was probably called something else It was someone else’s cat but one summer it started coming into their garden and that’s what she called it The most gorgeous black fur it had So black it looked like a hole in the universe A gorgeous cat-shaped black hole with glowing green eyes

This boy was like that His hair so black like nothing could be blacker and his eyes black too and his body so lithe in a T-shirt also black that made her think too of that cat that would slink along the narrow back wall between their yard and the neighbour’s that was full of gnomes and then in a bound come through the window to find her on her bed and it would already be purring as it climbed onto her and stretched out its paws and started kneading her breasts Pricking them with its claws through the cotton of her T-shirt and purring and purring like it was saying Yes yes so she didn’t stop it even though it hurt because she liked how it was purring and could feel the purrs buzz against her tummy and she liked how much it was enjoying digging its claws into her new tits that hurt anyway but now extra-hurt but she liked it

That is the kind of man he was He moved just the way that cat did Like he would hurt you but just a little bit and you wouldn’t stop it because you liked how he was enjoying the hurting Frank had been a little bit like that just a little Black but less black and pretty too but not as much as this one who if Imelda was a girl still she would have been lost

But she was not a girl and she knew well that someone that pretty has their eye out for one person Themselves Especially if it’s a man So she gave him a brief unfriendly look as if to say I’ve got your number pal and his smile just widened because obviously that is what they all do The women with their flurrying heartbeats The mams with their strollers and sunglasses Designer jeans splashed with pureed carrots

Well now he said – he spoke with an accent Polish mostly but also a bit of Dublin and maybe some London in there too – Don’t you worry missus we get this sorted out for you

He had tattoos all up his arms which ordinarily she didn’t care for but his wound in and out of the hard curves of his muscles in a way that might hypnotize you The air stank of grease and metal Smelled of heat without actually being hot and when he held out his hand to her at first she thought he wanted her to take it Then she realized and blushed and gave him her key

Don’t you worry he said again but added that they were very busy after the flood so it might be a few days

This surprised her I’d appreciate it if you could look at it now she said and then I’m the boss’s wife Dickie’s wife

Well if she expected special treatment or bending the knee she didn’t get it He just smiled as if this amused him There was more green to his eyes than she had noticed at first and little flecks of gold

I didn’t know Dickie have such a beautiful wife he said

It was like he’d slapped her as strange as that She couldn’t quite believe it had happened She looked at him as if asking What?

But he just smiled back at her A sparkling innocent smile to let her know he wasn’t being serious That was the way with a man like that It was all a game and you played along and didn’t let him know that for you it had stopped being a game but of course he knew anyway

I have new respect for Dickie he said How has he get a woman like you?

I think I must have misheard you she said slowly and meaningfully

His smile fell away and he held up his hands Please I don’t mean disrespect he said In my country it is polite to tell a woman she is beautiful Here maybe not

Let me take your car in I get to work on it right away Please he said again

Somehow as they were talking he had got the Camry onto the lifts without her being aware of it Now he pushed a button and it rose in the air until it was hanging above them It was strange to see it like this separated from the ground Powerless with its underside exposed

What is your name? he said and then hastily So I can put in book

She told him He laughed A quick bark of surprise What’s so funny she said

It’s nothing he said grinning to himself

What she should have said then was I will be back at five on the dot to pick it up Make sure it’s ready

But she did not He had a pull this boy Like a whirlpool or a riptide that sucked you out of your depth Tell me she said

He shook his head haplessly It’s a crazy thing he said

What is she said Her nostrils were full of the scent of oil A salty bodily smell

Your name he said

My name she said back

Your name – I have it tattooed on my … how do you say On my … And he pointed to his behind

Now she looked at her watch and gathered her bags and this time she did make to go

I mean it he said Don’t be angry You are boss’s wife I know I shouldn’t tell you But is a hundred per cent true Your name … I have tattoo on my … on my arse

He was laughing But then he stopped laughing and looked into her eyes and she knew that this was some sort of a routine he was doing on her and yet a part of her still seemed to see a door open and through it to glimpse something magical What you thought it would be like to be a grown-up to be married to be loved when you were a girl locked in a boxroom on a summer’s day with a cat’s paws kneading your chest

Come I show you He was back to being jokey Come and look I promise And if is not true then you can fire me okay? Tell Dickie He can fire me today I will leave No argument

And if it was true? He left that part unspoken Held out his hand again and this time she took it Let herself be pulled along Only a bit of fun she told herself though at the back of her mind the thought blazed Could he really? And if he did?

They crossed the garage past the sad carcasses of the cars The boy was talking all the time A steady stream of chatter to keep her distracted Then they came to the little hut in the corner where the mechanics went in winter to smoke He opened the door She looked over her shoulder but there was no one else around and she followed him in

The smell of ashes and stubbed-out fags would nearly knock you down There was a Premiership fixture list from last year stuck to the wall and some girl with her top off cut out of a magazine Barely room for the two of them in there she thought but he was still talking and laughing like it was a game they were playing Then he closed the door

You are very beautiful he said

Let’s see it so she half-snapped back like she didn’t have all day though inside she was thinking of words like fate or destiny and her heart was pounding for although she had often been tempted like anyone and though the girls were always accusing her of it in jest she had never been unfaithful Because it was wrong and a sin but also because she had never especially wanted to not really She did not believe it would ever again be like it was with Frank who at the same time it had never been like that with either so in that way she did not want to open that door she had kept closed to him But there was something about this boy you couldn’t argue with only give in to And if what he said was true what could it be only a sign?

So she watched as he turned away from her and unstrapped his overalls and shucked down the straps then hitched his thumbs in around the waist and wriggled down his trousers and jocks in quite a girlish way she thought to reveal

YOUR   NAME

tattooed on his arse One word per cheek in big black spiky letters

He grinned back at her over his shoulder Now you he said

Imelda was lost for words For a moment she could only stare – could not tear her eyes away Then she blinked Bundled past him out the door of the hut To find of course everyone who’d been missing from the workshop before had now reappeared and they all stopped to watch her hurrying out of the hut trying to keep her face composed and your man coming out after her pulling his pants up and calling her name that is to say Imelda not Her Name but she did not turn back nor look left nor right only clip-clopped as quick as she could out of that garage and onto the street and away cheeks still blazing praying she wouldn’t run into anyone and thinking how in God’s name did she let herself be brought into that little hut How

Was she so desperate she who Daddy used lock in her room to keep the men away Now she was just another housewife to be propositioned Another willing fool for a randy mechanic to do his little trick on

In her anger at first she had thought of telling Dickie But then she imagined the questions What exactly did he do? Insolent how? But what was it he actually said? And then he’d start going on about employment law and how he’d need to set down in writing the precise nature of the complaint or he’d expose himself to legal action down the line etc. etc.

So she never did and she did not return to the garage for a long time and the boy Ryszard she never saw again She’d heard somewhere that he’d left but she can’t remember who it was told her

It hits her now that if she’d told Dickie what he was up to Insisted he fire him like she wanted then maybe there wouldn’t have been this mess with cat converters and maybe Dickie wouldn’t be getting replaced by Big Mike So angry as she is at Maurice and at Dickie she is angrier still at herself And the next day when Dickie does not go to work but instead sets off into the woods with Victor McHugh bright and early she doesn’t complain because in the end it’s her own fault

Lord above though imagine getting that tattooed on your arse Men Could you be up to them?

---

That same day Cass gets her exam results she starts to pack her bags

From lying in bed supposedly too depressed to eat suddenly she’s hauling things down from the attic Emptying out her wardrobe and this all before she even has a college place

Boxes and suitcases start piling up in the hall It reminds Imelda of the dream she kept having of the flood pouring through the house Washing everything away She’s run ragged digging rucksacks out of the outhouse Scouring the cupboards for the so-called favourite top that Cass hasn’t worn in four years

She reads on Clara Langan’s blog that this is a time of transition It’s important to be supportive Often the only way your kids can tell you they need you is by pushing you away But it is not easy

You hardly want all those shoes do you? she says

Mam I told you already If it’s in this pile then it’s stuff I’m bringing

But these are ski-boots Imelda says You’re hardly going to be skiing in Trinity College It’s not built on a slope as far as I recall

Cass who is carrying a stack of herbal teas lets them drop to the floor Is this all a joke to you? Is my life just a joke?

What? Imelda says

But Cass has already huffed off

Every conversation they have goes like that It’s like the worst of the teenage years all over again Like she’s determined not to be even a little bit happy until she’s gone Dickie’s given up trying to talk to her He just makes himself scarce Goes off with Victor into the woods whatever they’re at in there Brings PJ with him too which means it’s she who’s left to deal with Cass all day Helping her as she takes apart her room Listening to her rehearse her grievances Driving her back and forth to Elaine’s at least once sometimes twice a day while the girl complains beside her literally as she’s getting a lift in it that the car is bad for the environment

Why don’t you go on your bike if you’re so concerned? Imelda says

It’s too hot to cycle Cass says with an unspoken duh

It’s hotter still in the Camry even with the air conditioning turned up all the way The old Touareg had a sunroof that was a godsend in weather like this The Camry is an icebox in the winter and in the summer it’s like driving a furnace

I don’t see why you need to see Elaine every single day of the week Imelda says You’re going to be living together You’ll be sick of the sight of each before you even get moved in

I could never be sick of Elaine Cass says

Imelda is wearing sunglasses so it’s safe to roll her eyes Elaine Comerford A right little madam she turned out Small wonder given her lowlife of a father Well the perverts of Dublin will make short work of her Probably wind up at the bottom of a river

When do you find out about your college place she says

I told you Two weeks Cass says

You know you don’t have to do the same course Imelda says Books or whatever it is

Books repeats Cass sarcastically

Well literature then The point is you don’t have to do it just because Elaine is doing it

I want to do it Cass said I’ve planned to do it for years

The windows of the Camry are down too but somehow it only becomes hotter Imelda’s fingers are sticking to the steering wheel It just seems a long way to go to read a few poems she says

Mam! Cass puts her hands over her ears Please don’t do this!

I’m not doing anything I’m just saying What will you do at the end of it? How will you get a job? These are things you need to think about

You’ve never even had a job Cass returns So maybe you’re not the person who should be asking me

Well when Imelda hears that she nearly drives the car into the ditch But before she can say anything Cass goes on Are you even happy for me?

Of course I’m happy for you Imelda half-shouts

Are you sure? Cass says Because you sound like you don’t want me to go to college at all

I am happy for you Imelda insists But the more she says it the less true it sounds

---

Oh she’s just excited the girls say She’s young! Off to the big city with her best friend! Such an adventure!

Right yeah Imelda says

The opportunities they have now! the girls say She can go anywhere Do anything Isn’t it wonderful!

Oh yes it’s brilliant says Imelda

Just a little appreciation would be nice that’s all she says

I’m sure you were every bit as hard on your mother when you were that age Una says

My mother was dead when I was that age Imelda says

Geraldine laughs Well get used to it Imelda It’s her time You’d better just move over and be thankful for what crumbs of affection you get That’s your forties Your kids hating you is just the tip of the iceberg

I’m not forty yet Imelda says startled and then Is it that bad?

It’s worse Geraldine says Everything turns to shit

Your looks go Maisie says Your body turns into cellulite You start getting aches and pains everywhere You keep thinking you have cancer

Your parents get old Roisin says Then they get sick Then they die

Your marriage goes up in smoke Maisie says He meets someone younger or starts banging the secretary

Or he disappears into his shed or his golf club or some mad hobby Roisin says gloomily Martin got into online Scrabble He’d rather play Scrabble with some randomer in Arizona than make love to his own wife I mean I’m sorry

Josephine Toomey’s Colm tried to get her to go swinging Geraldine says

Like dancing? says Imelda Swing dancing?

Ah our poor innocent Imelda says Geraldine with a laugh What was God thinking giving you a body like that at all

You think the forties are bad Una says I’ve said it before Wait till the Change hits you You wake up and don’t know whose body you’re even in

All the more reason we shouldn’t grudge the girls their freedom Roisin says It’s all just beginning We should be happy for them We had our turn Didn’t we?

And they all say Yes yes because what kind of mother would envy her daughter’s new life

---

The Balenciaga runners are still on sale One pair left in her size Thirty-three people watching A flame to show how excited everyone is She knows she shouldn’t buy them She isn’t going to buy them But she puts them in her basket to see how much the shipping is and she’s that fucked off that she might actually just do it she thinks only the doorbell rings and when she goes down to answer it who’s there only Big Mike Comerford

Howdy Imelda he says howdy like that like a cowboy and what she should do of course is slam the door closed again in his face but she’s so surprised he’d even show up here the jackal in chief she doesn’t she just gapes while he stands there beaming with his thumbs hitched in his jeans and his great big head tilted back like he’s taking in his kingdom then Is the boss around? he says

Who? Imelda says

Dickie I mean he says

The boss! Who does he think he’s kidding No she says He’s not

Do you know where he might be Big Mike enquires

No I don’t she says then adds And he’s nothing left for you to take so you might as well be on your way

Don’t be like that Imelda he says

You have his job You have his business You have his father’s ear You’ll be after the house next I suppose

Ah Imelda A pained look crosses his face It’s not like that he says

Good day to you Mike she says

No listen he says and he puts his foot in the door I want to get this straight Maurice came to me Maurice asked would I help out and I said yes because I don’t want to see a business of forty-odd years go under

I’m sure that’s why she says It’s everything she can do not to reach up and smack the bloody Ray-Bans out of where they’re perched in his big bush of hair

It’s the truth he says I have no interest in displacing Dickie I’ve enough work of my own to be doing But that garage is failing You might not like to hear it but it’s a fact If it’s going to survive it needs some major changes I consider Dickie a friend and that’s why I agreed to help and that’s why I’ve come here today to explain the situation

Her rage dies down a bit But only for a moment Then she sees what’s parked there in the driveway behind him What is it only her old Touareg! Her beloved Volkswagen Touareg that Dickie sold it to him so he could give to his mistress!

You never miss a trick do you she said You never miss a chance to twist the knife

Oh yes Big Mike says glancing back at the car I wanted to have a word with you about that I’m not using it at the minute so I thought you might like it back The road tax is paid on it and the insurance

Imelda just looks at him

A little bird told me you still had a grá for it he says Think of it as a long-term loan Seeing as we’re in business together now so to speak And he gives her a big dopey grin delighted with himself

Well she has to brace herself against the door frame so as not to physically launch herself at him Trying to buy her off with her own car! That Joan no doubt told him to get rid of! I don’t need your charity Mike Comerford! she bellows Get out of here! And take your bloody whoremobile with you!

Big Mike doesn’t know what to think How is it charity? he says

That’s how! she says punching him on the arm He backs away slowly rubbing his arm as she advances out towards him Everyone in this town knows the kind of man you are! she shouts Everyone knows about your carry-on! You may have pulled the wool over Maurice’s eyes but you won’t fool me! Now go!

But Dickie—he says then thinks better of it and pitches back to his car

---

But the next day doesn’t the doorbell ring again And it’s Larry the florist with a huge bunch of flowers for her

There must be some mistake she says

He checks the card No mistake he says

But I didn’t order anything she says He just laughs and gets back into his van

Is it from Dickie? But it’s not their anniversary or her birthday or Mother’s Day Maybe it’s to say sorry she thinks Sorry for everything But Dickie would never go for a bouquet this size It’s enormous The biggest one she’s ever seen

She hovers in the doorway Calls back over her shoulder Dickie? And then: Cass? And then: PJ? Then she brings the flowers inside and puts them in a vase and puts the vase on the kitchen table then sits down at the table and looks at the flowers composing herself and only as an afterthought does she lift the envelope that’s nestled among the blooms and take out the little card inside it

Dear Imelda it says in blue handwriting I hope you will accept these flowers as a sign of my sincere apology for my conduct yesterday. Please believe me Imelda that when I offered you the use of the Touareg I meant no Harm or Offence of any kind only that it might be useful to you as I am not using it myself any more. I can see in the light of present circumstances of Maurice’s asking me to be his temporary Consultant at Maurice Barnes Motors that my offer was poorly timed and insensitive. I am most sincerely sorry Imelda. I have the utmost respect for you Imelda if you only knew. I do hope you will accept this apology as our girls are to be Flatmates together in Dublin very soon!! And so I hope we can put this incident behind us.

Sincerely, Michael Comerford (“Big Mike”)

---

Well

Who would ever have thought it?

What a lovely note so sincere and thoughtful And what a gentlemanly touch to send the flowers You would never have expected it from him People can surprise you

She folds the card up and puts it back in the envelope and puts the envelope in her purse and goes about her business

Then a little later she gets a text message

Did u get flowers??

It’s from him She forgot she gave him her number at Maurice’s dinner She stands there looking at the message Did u get flowers??

She doesn’t know what it means Is he just checking they arrived? Or is he pretending to check because he expects her to say thank you? She hopes not because if someone sends you flowers to say sorry it ruins the gesture if they then turn around looking to be thanked

She writes back Yes

Almost instantly a message pings back Do u forgive me

She frowns at the phone She had forgiven him when she got the flowers but now she feels like he’s leaning on her This is more the Big Mike she knows all right We’ll see she writes

Do u think we could meet up sometime and talk

When she reads this she feels herself blush and she looks over to the chair where Dickie sits to watch the news But it is not news time for several hours yet She looks down at the message again Talk? Talk about what? The Touareg? Did she not make herself clear?

She decides she will not answer now She will wait till tomorrow then say Oh I never realized I didn’t reply to this

She leaves the phone upstairs so it won’t be distracting her and tries to go back to what she was doing

But what she was doing was looking at her phone And the unanswered question nags at her Needles her As well as the thought of all the other messages from other people that might be piling up unread Until finally she marches back up to her bedroom grabs the phone and writes I do forgive you Now lets put it behind us

Im glad he writes:)

She holds the phone in her hand Waits in case there is more but there is no more Good she thinks Leaves the phone down determined this time not to look at it again But it buzzes while she’s still in the room so she picks it up again so quick she fumbles and it falls to the floor IMELDA DON’T MISS OUT But it’s only the online store telling her she has the Balenciaga runners waiting in her shopping bag And in place of her panic of a moment ago she feels disappointment Confusion too because what’s she disappointed about but before she can answer herself another text comes through from him

It wud be good to meet before the girls go off to Dublin + talk about arrangements + there are some documents for you to sign too

She looks at the words Businesslike He’s got the message finally she thinks Now they’re on the same page She writes back in the same tone VG lets discuss soonest

But that seems a bit cold so she deletes it and writes All right then deletes that and instead just writes Yes then deletes that too and puts All right back

How’s tomorrow? His response comes immediately She feels a surge of irritation and writes back Tomorrow no good Busy though in fact she is not

Day after? Again the reply comes right away Now she feels like she’s being pursued Downstairs she hears the door open Footsteps cross the floor Why is he hounding her? Why can’t he talk to Dickie? Hello? comes a voice from below Mam? Up here she calls She puts the phone down Hastens away Comes back Writes quickly again All right

---

Wow nice flowers says Cass coming in

Oh yes Imelda says absently

Where’d they come from Cass says

Oh just, the garden she says

The garden? Cass standing by the open fridge stares at the flowers Those came from the garden?

Mmm Imelda says

I don’t remember seeing flowers like those in the garden Cass says Our garden?

That’s what I said isn’t it Imelda snaps and then Jesus Mary and Joseph Cassie what have I told you about leaving the fridge door open? Do you want everything to go off?

Right because that’s going to happen Cass says and stomps out clutching a Gatorade

She should have told her the truth but she knows she would never have heard the end of it Why did Big Mike send them What had he to be sorry about That girl God almighty Won’t speak a word to you all week and then suddenly she’s like Columbo over a bunch of flowers

She puts on the TV for Dickie’s news already annoyed at the thought of the muddy boots But it is PJ who comes through the sliding doors Wow nice flowers he says

Hmm Oh these she says

Where did they come from?

Oh one of the girls sent them she says

What for he says

What do you mean what for She just sent them People are always sending each other flowers

Oh he says

Hush now she says I want to watch the news

An earthquake somewhere People are being pulled out of the ground white with dust like ancient babies being delivered It was decent of Mike to send the flowers she thinks A nice gesture He was in the wrong he was first to admit it She admired that

There is still no sign of Dickie She glances at the bouquet wondering should she move it Not that there’s anything out of the ordinary about someone sending someone flowers Just that she doesn’t want to get into the whole story about the Touareg with Dickie

But as she gets up to move them Dickie comes in walks right past the flowers and plops himself down in the armchair opposite the TV Whatever he’s been doing out there he is covered in mud Covered in it and before she can stop herself she says Dickie for the love of God would you ever change your clothes before you sit down on the soft furnishings? And without a word Dickie gets up and leaves the room and she feels bad but it’s his fault And if you were going to write a book about their marriage that’s what you would call it

The weather comes on Big orange suns all over Ireland The shower roars upstairs like an air raid Her phone pings with a message from Cass WHERE IS MY FJALLRAVEN RUCKSACK DID U SELL IT???? Clods of mud scatter the floor I think my athlete’s foot is back PJ says hopping in with his foot in his hand

But on the table the flowers shimmer serenely red gold and blue

---

She said she could call out to the house as she’d more than likely be dropping Cass over anyway to see Elaine but he said if she wouldn’t mind the farm would be better because he had a few deliveries and things coming in There’s a little office where we can talk he said Oh that’s perfect she agreed kicking herself even as she said it How about midday Oh that’s perfect

But then that morning she gets caught up cleaning the house Scrubs it from top to bottom in fact On her hands and knees with the hard brush Houses get so filthy Anyway she loses track of time and when she finally catches on it’s too late to have a shower though she smells of detergent Well he’ll just have to put up with it she thinks Sends him a text to say she’s running slightly late then throws on a skirt and a blouse and ties back her hair then a quick stripe of bright red lipstick which contrasts with the blouse then looks at herself in the mirror and wipes off the lipstick

Just going out! she calls to Cass Her voice sounds high and sort of musical in her ears No response from Cass So she goes upstairs knocks on the door pushes her head in Just doing a few errands she says I’m going to run in to the supermarket and the butcher and I have to call to Big Mike to sign some forms

You don’t have to tell me EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of your life Cass’s voice returns from beneath the duvet

In the meadows the cows kneel in the dry grass exhausted Outside Creaghan’s Stores Bart Creaghan sits on a deckchair in only his shorts He won’t get much custom like that she thinks as she gives him a wave The Camry is like an oven She puts the fan on cold Full blast hoping it’ll blow away the smell of Cillit Bang

Mike’s farm is away over on the other side of the lake with no landmarks to look out for beside a Concealed Entrance sign and even with the satnav she spends some time going in circles Light beats through the windscreen Her blouse is soaked through with sweat there would have been no point having a shower She tries calling Mike but he doesn’t answer and she gets so fucked off with him for dragging her out here that when the sign does finally appear for the turn-off she’s tempted for a moment to go on home anyway

The car judders down a long twisting sun-baked mud path that leads to a circle of barns and byres and haylofts and in the middle of this circle stands Big Mike with a youngfella by the side of a flatbed truck loaded with sacks of feed Both of them staring at a piece of paper in the young lad’s hand and then at the back of the truck So caught up are they with their piece of paper and the bags that Imelda is sat in the car a good five minutes before Mike notices her and then it’s only after she beeps her horn because your man in the truck is about to reverse right into her

He jogs over to her and puts his forearm on the open window There you are he says I’ll just be another minute You can wait inside if you want pointing at one of the barns

I’m all right here she says

But instead he is a full fifteen minutes talking first to the youngfella with the truck then another who comes out of one of the barns in a Hitachi backhoe While Imelda is stuck in the car getting hotter and hotter and hotter

Finally he comes back though he doesn’t apologize Now he says

He opens the door for her then turns on his heel She follows him into a barn piled high with more feed bags and heavy with farmyard smells Cow shit and diesel At the back there’s a Portakabin set up on blocks It makes her think of the smokers’ hut the boy had brought her to at the back of the garage and for a moment she’s grateful for the heat because she’s red-faced already otherwise she would blush Isn’t it crazy how the same things come back and back just pulled out of shape

Inside the cabin a desk and a filing cabinet Take a seat there Imelda Mike says pointing to a chair with a split cushion He puts on a pair of glasses and from the mess on the desk fishes out a sheaf of documents bound by a giant paperclip and starts talking to her about deposits and guarantors and utility bills and pointing out places where she is to sign

Very good she says and Oh yes and Put my name here? Then for a moment there is silence while she bows her head and signs her name and signs again her body dampening in the heat-clouded air of the baking cabin while an animal bleats somewhere and beads of sweat push insistently to the surface of her skin

Hard to believe we’re letting them go isn’t it he says Makes me feel He trails off

Old she says

I was going to say proud he says with a laugh But that too I suppose It certainly brings it home that time is passing

He sits back Puts his hands behind his head I mean with the kids you know it’s passing because you can see them grow he says And yet one day follows the next and it all feels like it’ll last for ever Then something like this happens and you realize it’s gone They’re gone The time you had with them be it good be it bad It’s over And everything you wanted to do everything you were still planning to fix it’s too late

She hears something in his voice Looks up from her signatures He gives her a half-smile

Don’t mind me he says It’s great that they’re going A great achievement God I’m so proud of them Elaine and Cassandra too They’re such brilliant girls They’re the future aren’t they

On his black T-shirt is a beer bottle playing a banjo He wipes his eye

She finishes her signing sets down the papers looks up at him again Businesslike

Listen he says I’m sorry again about the car I didn’t mean anything by it

That’s all right she says

I thought you might want it that’s all he says But I’ve put it up for sale on the internet

Oh very good she says and there is a silence again in which she wishes him dead for dragging her out here in the heat to sign leases when he could have just dropped them over

Well she says because it seems they are done here Is that everything

Big Mike doesn’t reply Instead he lowers his eyes to his hands as they rest on the desk and he says I know you don’t think much of me Imelda

She starts to protest but he cuts her off I know it he says You said as much the other day At least you were honest I appreciated that Most people only say it behind my back

That’s the worst of the whole bloody thing all this gossip he says I have it coming but for Joan and Elaine He shakes his head Sometimes in this town you feel like you’re caught in a bloody net

She doesn’t say anything to this though she has sometimes thought the same thing

He takes a deep breath purses his lips to breathe out

I can’t defend what I did Imelda I’m not going to make excuses for it I love Joan and I know I did wrong

You don’t have to explain yourself to me Mike she says

True enough he says But between the garage and the girls we’re going to be seeing a fair bit of each other and I don’t want you thinking ill of me Or if you’re thinking ill of me I want it to be for the right reasons

Anyway the therapist says it’s good to get the feelings out he says with the same wan half-smile If I’d spoken my feelings more maybe I wouldn’t have made such a mess of things with Joan

His big pink head is glistening and his heavy shoulders rise and fall From fearing he might try it on Imelda worries now that he might have some sort of an episode

I loved her Imelda I still do But the fact is the spark is gone That doesn’t excuse what I did but nevertheless that’s why

He looks at her across the desk I know that won’t make much sense to you he says You and Dickie have always been rock-solid Anyone can see how much you love each other It must be hard for you to understand how lonely a person can be in a marriage

His eyes shimmer at her and Imelda who was half-rising from her chair stops and sits back down

That’s not to defend it he says again I hurt Joan I hurt Elaine and yes I hurt Augustina too with my selfishness and I will never forgive myself And loneliness is no excuse for anything still that’s what it was even if I couldn’t see it myself

He falls silent From over his ear a cow peers out of a calendar from the National Ploughing Championship Mike shrugs holds up his hands Looks into her eyes as if to say That’s it

And Imelda gets up I have to go she says

Imelda he says

I have to go she repeats and she turns for the door of the cabin

Wait he says I’m sorry I shouldn’t have dumped all that on you

But she darts out the door and down the little stairs and then runs runs runs all the way to the car and takes off so fast she nearly crashes into the man in the backhoe

In the mirror she sees Mike rush out Stop short in the doorway of the barn

But a moment later she rounds the bend and he vanishes behind a stand of trees

That is the mercy of this part of the world The roads have that many twists and turns You never have to go far to disappear

---

Back in the house she shouts up the stairs for Cass but there is no answer nor when she knocks on her door So she rings her Are you here she says

Obviously I’m here Cass says

In the house I mean says Imelda

I’m in Elaine’s Cass says

Oh Imelda says Starts to ask if she’s coming back for lunch but Cass interrupts her Mam I’m in the middle of something I’ll call you later okay bye

Okay bye she returns but Cass is already gone She calls Dickie Ah no we’re grand here he says Are you not hungry she says I could take you down a sandwich That’s great love thanks I brought something with me Oh she says For PJ too? Yes he says For Victor too? Yes he says Oh she says Okay so I’ll see you at dinner time so

Ends the call Stares for a moment at the phone in her hand

While the house spick and span after her deep clean extends around her white and gleaming in the summer light like an Arctic glacier the kind you see on a nature programme with a polar bear trudging through it a tiny dot of white on the white They are all starving the bears PJ told her Starving to death

It must be hard for you to understand how lonely a person can be in a marriage

Feeling like it doesn’t matter whether you sit or stand Come or go Live or die It will all disappear in the silence a tiny speck of white on white Bouncing off the walls like an echo of yourself

Big Mike All this time Who would ever have guessed she thinks Who would ever

And now the doorbell rings

Her heart pounds From nowhere it pounds like it’ll knock right through her chest

And as she walks up the hall it pitches her left and right so hard that she can barely keep her feet

She gulps She walks She thinks Don’t let it be him Don’t let it be him

Is it him Is it him

She opens the door

---

What lovely flowers Maurice says Where did they come from?

She doesn’t reply to this concentrates on making the tea From across the room she can sense him staring at her with his hawk’s eyes Will I do you up some lunch Maurice? she calls over her shoulder I’ve some gorgeous cherry tomatoes I could make you a salad?

No thank you he says I ate at the hotel Then sitting down at the table he says Imelda I’m afraid this is not a social visit

It’s not?

No he shakes his head I’m afraid I have something I need to discuss with you Something rather serious

Oh? she says with a fixed smile

Yes he says You’ll remember I asked Michael Comerford to come on board as we’re restructuring

Of course she says Inside she turns to ice He couldn’t know How could he know? There’s nothing to know Nothing happened

Well Mike has found something Maurice says

The converters? she says

No he says No we’re way beyond a few stolen converters here

He sighs clears his throat dabs his lips with his handkerchief

It seems there’s a hole in the accounts he says

A hole? she repeats

Yes he says

I don’t understand she says What sort of hole

Well it’s quite simple he says There’s a sum of money A large sum of money missing from the company accounts

He presents her with this and then falls silent

And where’s it gone to she says at last

That’s what we want to find out he says

In the midst of her confusion she is aware that he is watching her Observing her movements

Could it be she says then stops That fella you mentioned before? The Polish fella?

Maurice shakes his head Other than myself the only person with access to the account is Dickie

She turns on him A tea towel in her hand What are you saying to me Maurice

I’m not saying anything Imelda I’m simply asking whether there’s any light you can shed on it

No there’s no light I can shed on it Only that someone’s obviously made a mistake at the bank or something

No mistake Maurice says

Excuse me but clearly there is Because Dickie if you’re suggesting it’s Dickie He’s a lot of things but he is not a crook God bless us Dickie won’t even break the speed limit On a clear day on an open road not a soul in sight he’ll sit there on eighty kilometres an hour not a hair above It would drive you mad

Mmm Maurice says But he has been under pressure hasn’t he Enormous pressure

He has it all worked out already hasn’t he In the instant she feels her blood boil Come here to me Maurice We’re all very grateful for what you did helping us out with Cass and the money and so on and I know he’s made a bit of a hames of things but if you think you can come in here to my house and accuse my husband of being a thief

No no I don’t mean that he says waving his hands at her like she’d stepped out into his prize begonias I only mean

He pauses pinches his nose between finger and thumb In his fine splendid white shirt and silk tie and his rings and swept-back silver hair he looks at that moment old An old frail man

Is it possible he’s had some kind of breakdown he says

We’ve all been having a breakdown Maurice she snaps While you’ve been off playing golf in Portugal that garage has been one big unending breakdown If you want holes there’s a hole we’ve poured our bloody lives into

Yes he says But my question is might that have pushed him to some form of extreme behaviour Gambling say?

Gambling?

Or whatever it might be he says with an air now of desperation I’m asking you have you noticed anything Has he said anything to you

Dickie she says

Yes he says He gazes at her quizzically You are his wife after all he says

She looks back at him without reply

Give it some thought anyway he says Maybe you’ll remember something Or maybe he’ll let something slip If you get him talking Obviously if we can solve the problem among ourselves that would be preferable

I’ll see you out she says

Yes Maurice says He rises from the table reaches down to button his blazer But he’s not wearing one He looks down in surprise This heat he says

It’s something else she says

She accompanies him to the door He pauses on the step Let’s keep this between ourselves for now he says No sense in alarming him There may be a perfectly simple explanation Human error as you say

He turns to go Then turns back to her suddenly urgent Where is he? he says then answers his own question He is out in the woods?

Yes she says He and PJ they’ve been there all week with Victor McHugh

He starts to say something but it dies in his mouth Why he says

She shrugs Future-proofing she says

Even when he’s gone she can still hear his questions Little paws raking at the ground What have you noticed What has he said He must talk to you You’re his wife after all

No no no Maurice You don’t understand Dickie doesn’t say He doesn’t just talk If he tells you something it’s only so you’ll stop asking

She used to think it was because she was stupid Because she hadn’t been to Trinity College that’s why she didn’t understand him Frank she could always see right through He’d felt up the lounge girl He’d put two hundred quid on Arsenal and they lost She knew she always knew

But Dickie no Dickie who seems so simple and straightforward Ask him a question it’s like walking into a hall of mirrors Why are you back so late Who were you with Where have you been till now Well you see it’s like this and off he goes

Yes no Frank was draughts Dickie is chess Chess in a fog in the dark

But for all that she knows there are some things he’d never do He wouldn’t steal just wouldn’t Wouldn’t commit a crime Not in his nature

Yet still the little claws go dig-dig-digging in her mind

---

And then she hears something explode

The sound takes over the whole sky Loud as thunder But it’s not thunder And at the same time that she’s wondering what it is she finds she’s out the back door and running Running through the field towards the woods As she reaches the treeline it happens again Huge sound Like the sky’s been ripped open Noise breaks against her like a wave knocking her back leaving her ears ringing PJ she calls but can’t even hear her own voice and she plunges on into the wood not knowing where she’s going the trunks seeming to throw themselves in front of her The light shattering the forest into a green-gold kaleidoscope And in her head that one word Breakdown Till suddenly she finds herself teetering on the edge of a darkness

A hole A hole dug in the ground and down at the bottom of it is her son

Hi Mam he says

She drops down onto a tree stump She laughs wipes the sweat from her face cries a little bit clears her throat

Hiya she says

What are you doing out here

Just came down to see what you lads were up to she says That’s a mighty hole

It’s going to be a well he says For when the floods come and there’s no water

How would there be floods and no water she says

I don’t know that’s what Dad said

Come out of there a minute love would you she says and he flips a bucket over and stands on top of it and his white fingers grip into the black edge to haul himself out

They are in the clearing around the old shed Frank’s old shed She hasn’t been out here in years Not since the kids were young It looks like a building site One wall has been knocked and the floor dug up Piled on a pallet outside are pipes coils of cables slabs of grey something that might be insulation all covered with plastic sheeting

What do you think PJ says proudly

You’ve been busy right enough she says

He starts telling her more Plans for when the Bunker as he calls it is done Latrine over there Generator Underground food storage Polytunnels Pointing and explaining All very grown up Wonderful she says over and over Wonderful It is so strange like a dream that she’s forgotten the reason she came out here at all when Dickie steps out of the trees

Out here he is different too In an old check shirt with frayed hems and work boots caked in forest mud He doesn’t look like a man with a crime hanging over him No Caught unawares he looks like someone else Someone happy she thinks with a pang

Then another figure appears A warped green mess for a face She flinches back But it’s only Victor she realizes Victor McHugh wearing some sort of a net which is a mercy to everyone

There you are now Dickie says to her Surprised but not displeased as if at a visitor from an old life

What’s going on out here she says

Do you like it Dickie says turning back to survey the works It’s early days yet but we’re making progress Especially since we got our helper here And he musses PJ’s hair who’s pleased as can be she can see

But what is it? she says What is it?

Well it’s a shelter I suppose you’d call it says Dickie

For if there was an emergency PJ says And we needed to hide?

Hide she says

Right if the grid went down or if there was a war? Or a nuclear attack?

Imelda looks at Dickie darkly

Well we’ll probably never need to use it for that Dickie says It’s more of a forest retreat You know somewhere the kids can come out and be in nature

I’ve often thought it was a shame to have it just mouldering away he says And we’ve been learning some new tricks And having fun which is the main thing isn’t it?

Yeah! PJ exclaims waving his cap and doing a Cowabunga jump And it all seems so wholesome and happy just three guys hanging out in a forest building a bomb shelter that she starts to feel like she’s the one at fault for coming out here and spoiling it When she sees what’s laid across Victor’s shoulder

I heard a shot she says

Oh yes says Dickie While we’re here he says

It’s an EU initiative Victor McHugh says

Is she dreaming? What’s an initiative she says

Squirrels Dickie says Grey squirrels there’s a cull

Ten euro a pelt Victor says

She looks from one to the other You’re shooting squirrels?

Just the greys Dickie says

They’re an invasive species Victor says

You’re the invasive species Victor McHugh she snaps back I’m talking to my husband if you don’t mind Then to Dickie

But PJ she says What are you doing firing guns and a child present

And Dickie starts in with the explanations How Victor has a hunting licence so it’s perfectly safe and they’re only shooting upwards and it’s for the good of the forest because the greys eat the oak trees etc. Facts facts he knows them all but he doesn’t know or care that another man is sitting in his chair in his office He doesn’t know his own father has him as number one suspect for embezzling the company accounts Jesus man do you not realize

She stops herself PJ is looking at her

You’re a fool Dickie Barnes she says You’re a bloody fool

---

Your relation to the client? the receptionist says She is new Every time she comes out here they are new and she has to explain herself again I’m not a relation she says She doesn’t have any relations I’m the one paying for this place My husband I mean

The receptionist looks at her computer Makes a face They are behind on their payments And your name again?

On it goes They always act like they’re guarding Fort Knox like they’d die before they’d let anyone interfere with their precious ‘clients’ Then when you go inside you see they treat them like boxes in a warehouse Drag them over here drag them over there stick them wherever is convenient

Finally a nurse comes through the double doors You’re here to see Maura? she says

Usually she’s with the others in the day room they call it More like a classroom an ancient classroom with no teacher just the TV Thirty of them staring up at it But today Imelda’s brought straight to her room Or the nurse says it’s hers though it’s different to last time and nothing hers in it Not even an RTÉ Guide But there she is by the window so it must be her room though why have they got her in a wheelchair?

Why indeed says the nurse She’s well able to walk but she’s being stubborn Aren’t you Maura

Her name is Rose Imelda says Maybe she’d be less stubborn if you called her her right name

They get like this when the mind starts going the nurse says It’s fairly common

She says it just like that Right in front of her Imelda is shocked Looks down at Rose who purses her lips turns to the window Why ever did they leave her here She doesn’t like it Never did

I’ll be outside if you need me the nurse says sunnily

Imelda sighs Sits herself at the end of the bed Says what she always says That she’s sorry it’s been so long That she’s just been so busy

Rose doesn’t reply Outside there are trees and a view of the car park Starlings perched along the boundary wall

You won’t believe what’s been happening Imelda says Maurice came back And the Lions had a big dinner for him You’ll never guess where Burke’s hotel The very same room we were in for the wedding I nearly had heart failure

Just sitting there all this time she says Though I suppose where else would it be

She doesn’t know quite what she means by this which makes her embarrassed for couldn’t she say the same of Rose too She folds her hands in her lap Rose I need to ask you something

She glances over her shoulder checks the door is shut

It’s Dickie I’m worried about him

Dickie Rose says

That’s right I think he may have done something Or I don’t know Maurice thinks he has

Rose peers at her She was always old or so Imelda thought but now! Her face barely a face at all More a mass of wrinkles like a crumpled page that’s been lying in a ball for who knows how long Though the eyes peering out of it are as keen as ever See through everything straight into your soul

That’s not all Imelda admits She takes a deep breath looks down at her hands Do you remember Mike Comerford? Big Mike?

Rose narrows her eyes Big Mike

Yes he’s a farmer from the town Farmer and businessman but he’s She pauses I want to know Do you think Can he be trusted she says and then hopelessly I mean I don’t know if you ever met him So maybe there’s no sense asking It’s just there’s so much going on and I can’t get it all straight in my head and I don’t know who else I can talk to only you and I’m sorry I didn’t come before but if there’s anything you see any light you can throw on any of it because I feel like I’m going out of my mind

Rose bows her head shakes it Grouses to herself deep in thought

Then she raises her head again Looks Imelda in the eye

Are you new she says

What says Imelda

New are you new here says Rose

No says Imelda It’s me Rose Imelda Paddy Joe’s Imelda

Oh says Rose Paddy Joe’s Imelda

That’s it Imelda says Rose listen I need your advice

The other girl was from the Philippines Rose says

No Imelda insists Rose it’s me Imelda Dickie’s wife remember Dickie?

Dickie’s dead Rose says He died in a wood

No that was Frank Imelda says Frank his brother

Frank and Imelda are to be married Rose says

Let’s stop talking about it Imelda says trying not to lose her temper

At the wedding Rose says

Stop Imelda says

I see the sun And I see

Please stop

There will be a ghost Rose says I see the sun and I see

Please Rose please! she exclaims

The old woman turns to the window She has food spilled down her front Her socks have rolled down around her ankles She doesn’t know who Imelda is Who any of them are Dickie Cass PJ Maurice Mike They are merely names popping around like the coloured balls in the drum in the lottery

Stupid to think this would work Every time she sees her she is worse Last year Imelda was sat in the car park for an hour afterwards Cass trying to comfort her It’s okay Mam She’s happy It’s nice there She couldn’t be at home like that

Did she know it would happen Imelda wonders Did she see it back then That she’d end up on her own with food stains on her robe surrounded by omens from long ago signs meaning nothing

Unbearable What an unbearable thing is a life

From her wheelchair she is looking at her

The flat grey eyes sit on her own like coins the withered jaw is still

Your girl is not with you this time she says

No says Imelda

She is going away says Rose

Yes Imelda says To Dublin To college Next week

That is hard Rose says She is a good girl

Yes Imelda says or tries to Rose gets up from her chair and plods over to the locker by the bed and takes out a tissue and passes it to her

She passes it to her and she stands there by Imelda’s side stroking Imelda’s hand with her own hand which is like reeds bound together like the Brigid’s cross that hung over her door when she had a door And in a whisper like wind through the reeds She will come back she says She will come back to you

Then she frowns Blinks her eyes and again like she can’t see straight No she says She mustn’t come back And the reed bones snatch at Imelda’s hand So tightly that Imelda cries out though more for fear that they will break that Rose’s old dry fingers will break But the grip only tightens and her voice rises She mustn’t She mustn’t! Over and over until the nurse who must have been listening is there at the door How are we getting on?

Grand Imelda says faintly while Rose still holding her hand just gapes Eyes popping at Imelda as if she is drowning

Now Mrs Brennan the nurse says Time for your nap And gently but firmly she turns the old woman by the shoulders Sets her onto the bed Starts adjusting pillows and counterpane and Imelda finds herself squeezed out of the room Not deliberately It seems like a natural process Back into the corridor with the gleaming blue floor

A giraffe tongue is blue PJ told her once

The door is closed now Through the little window with the wire mesh she sees Rose speaking urgently All of the prophecies meant for her All the answers to the questions that she never asked Poured into the ear of the nurse who nods without listening as she arranges the bed

Did Dickie take that money Is Big Mike a liar What happened to Daddy How do you lift a curse

Are we bad people Did I do the wrong thing

What will become of us