Kate’s grubby clothes lay on the floor of the bathroom. The stench of sheep manure and stale alcohol rose from them and mingled with the steam in the tiny room. Inside the narrow shower bay, Kate poured a large silvery gob of shampoo into her palm and began to rub it through her hair, desperate to get clean and into her bed to sleep. She was exhausted by the emotions that piled themselves on top of one another inside her. A cluster of confusion and fear. There’d been no news at all from Nick. She’d been left hanging – not just about Lance McDonnell, but also about his son. Nick’s muddy swag lay on the verandah, barely sheltered from the misty rain that seemed to be dampening everything. Kate wanted to take Nick’s swag sheets and wash them for him. Dry them and fold them. Brush the mud from the stiff green canvas once it had dried. Air the mattress in the sun when it shone again. She couldn’t wait to do that for him, as if touching his things would bring her closer to him.
As she stepped from the shower and pulled on her white bathrobe, she reached out and smeared a film of moisture across the bathroom window and peered out. She could see the dogs were bunkered down in their kennels, all except Bra, who was standing in the rain. Her coat bedraggled, like that of a wet cat, her pregnant belly drooping down towards the grating. Her eyes were bright with panic. She was panting hard and running in and out of her kennel, clawing at the wood. Turning in circles to snap at her belly.
Kate groaned. Bra was whelping! Now! She was long overdue – but why choose now, Kate lamented. She left the humid warmth of the bathroom and in her dressing-gown pulled gumboots on and stepped from the verandah out into the rain. She let Bra out of the pen and called her into the house, her paws leaving wet, muddy marks along the hallway. In the laundry next to her office Kate spread out newspapers and set up a cardboard box in the corner with bedding and a water dish. She called Bra in. The dog looked up at her and whined.
‘I know what it’s like,’ Kate said. ‘You poor girl. I’ll come and check you soon.’ She pulled the door shut, knowing it would be best to let her settle in alone.
She stood shivering in the cold lounge room and found herself wanting to cry. The imminent arrival of Bra’s pups was another reminder of Nick. Just another connection to him, Kate thought. Another reason for her to call him and ask how he was. How his father was. She wanted the euphoria of new love to swamp her but that feeling wasn’t there. She was just worried sick. About Nick, his dad, Nell, the future. Where did she stand with him? And where was Felicity in all of this? Was it really over between them?
Kate stacked away a few of Nell’s toys and stooped to light the wood heater. The delicious smell of the freshly struck match rose up as she knelt on the rug in front of the fire, her hair wet, her face scrubbed clean and pink. She stared at the flames as they began to consume newspaper, twigs, pine cones, crumpled old tissues and long-dead blowflies. A summertime fire on a cold Tasmanian day. Kate was sorry Nell wasn’t here to snuggle with her on the couch. But at the same time she felt absolute relief that she didn’t have to take on her mothering duties again until tomorrow, apart from playing midwife to a kelpie. Janie’s mum had offered to keep Nell for one more night. It would be good to go straight to bed now, Kate thought, instead of having to dish out steamed vegetables and fish fingers for Nell. Or organise bath, pyjamas, night nappy, bottle, teeth and bed.
There were messages on her answer machine. She could tell by the blinking light. There’d be some about work and there’d be one from her father. He’d left several messages over the past two weeks. But as soon as Kate heard his voice – that awkward clearing of his throat and the way he spoke her name as if it were a question – she’d delete the message. As if wiping his voice away would wipe out the hurt he had caused her.
Kate stoked the fire and loaded on more wood before shutting the heater’s door. She looked in on Bra in the laundry, busy nesting but apparently more settled now, then she moved to her bedroom. She snuggled in under the doona and listened to the steady drumming of rain on the tin roof. She shut her eyes and conjured the image of Nick, asleep in his swag. And in the quiet of the grey afternoon, Kate drifted away to the place of her dreams.
Headlights swept across Kate’s bedroom walls and the rumble of a diesel engine set the dogs barking. Kate, startled awake, sat up in bed. The glow from the clock told her it was after one in the morning. She pulled her robe about her and went to peer through the curtains. Through the rain she could just make out Nick’s ute. She caught her breath. Him. Here. Now.
She watched as the dark figure got out of the ute and jogged to the cottage. He leapt over the small front gate just as Kate let the curtain fall back into place.
She opened the front door before he had the chance to knock. There he stood, distress on his face. Raindrops in his hair. She pulled him inside and hugged him close. He smelled of damp clothes and hospitals. Kate led him by the hand to the lounge room and sat with him on the couch. He stared at the glowing coals of the fire. Kate sat straight-backed, half-turned towards him, her hand resting gently on his back, her other hand clutching her robe closed at her chest. She could see the tension on Nick’s face, his clenched jaw, the rise and fall of his Adam’s apple. Gently she turned his face towards her and searched his eyes.
‘Silly bastard,’ he said at last. ‘Took the wrong mix of his bloody pills.’ His face twisted as he held in tears and covered his eyes with his forearm. Kate pulled him in closer. Was it deliberate, she wondered? Had Lance taken an overdose? It was likely. A family farm business undone by drought, the pain of his injuries, a mind closed to the possibilities of rehabilitation. An inability to accept that life had changed forever. A big man, shattered. Kate thought of the way he had come to life on the day she had visited. If only she and Lisa could’ve inspired him enough to see another choice for his life and for the farm. She waited for Nick to speak again. She watched the way he clasped his hands together and shook beneath her touch, from cold and from tiredness and shock.
‘Mum said it rained all the way to town in the ambulance. But the silly old goat was out cold so he couldn’t see it.’
‘How is he now?’
Nick shrugged again. ‘Still out of it. They won’t know for a few days what damage it’ll do to him.’
Kate began to rub Nick’s back.
‘Shouldn’t you be in town with him? With your mum?’
Nick turned to face her, his eyes intense. His answer came in a kiss. Kate felt the passion surge through his touch. Soon he was pulling her robe from her body and his hands were running all over her. In the warm light from the glowing fire, Kate swung her leg over him and sat on his lap, facing him. She tugged at his shirt buttons, drawing back the fabric so she could feel her skin on his. Kissing, touching, sighing, wanting. Pressing her breasts against the warmth of his chest. Her hands reefed open his belt. Fingers popped the button of his jeans. Her grappling fingers slid his zip down. Eyes locked onto each other as he fumbled in his wallet for a condom. Nick smiled and kissed her again as she lowered herself onto him. She moaned at the pleasure of him. She wanted to be as close to him as she could. As she pushed her weight onto him she felt the rhythm of their love, fast and frantic. Frustrations unleashed. Desire melding them as one.
As they both came in waves, the rain outside was picked up by a gust and hurled at the window. Kate laid her head on his shoulder as she breathed heavily. Nick pulled the robe up over her back. He held her there like that, kissing the crown of her head and stroking her long dark hair, as heavy rain tumbled down outside.
In Kate’s rumpled bed in the hour before dawn they lay naked together. Drifting out of her sleep, Kate felt herself wrapped in a fog of joy – the joy of having Nick here with her. She could hear the rain still falling outside. Rolling over to face Nick, she drifted her fingers over the nape of his neck and kissed him lightly. Slowly, she began to work her way down with kisses to the soft stretch of skin over his hips. Kate felt him stir and heard him moan a little. His face warmed by a sleepy smile. He drew her near to kiss her and laid the weight of his body on top of her. Kate felt the luxury of skin on skin. Her back pressed to the sheets, she shut her eyes as they began to make slow love. And as Kate pulled him into her as deep as she could, she knew she had fallen in love with this man.
Afterwards, the rain was gone and the rising sun revealed a newly watered world. Kate lay looking out the window, Nick’s arms wrapped around her. The paddocks glistened with wetness and the promise of new growth.
Kate rolled over to watch Nick as he propped himself up on his elbow. He smiled down at her and brushed the hair from her face.
‘Good morning,’ he said. ‘How are you?’
‘Happy, but sad. How are you?’
‘About the same.’ He kissed her gently. ‘I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to go. Gotta get back to town. To the hospital.’
‘I know. Can I do anything?’
Nick shook his head.
‘Before you go, I’ve got a surprise for you,’ Kate said.
‘Have you now?’ Nick said flirtily, his hand roving over her.
‘No, not that kind of surprise. Go look in the laundry, next to my office.’
Earlier that morning, while Nick slept, Kate had already slipped out of his embrace to check once more on Bra. She discovered Bra busily licking five glossy black and tan pups. During the night she’d delivered them quickly, without a hitch, but she was proving to be a haphazard mother. She accidentally lay on the pups, making them squeal like baby birds. Kate could see the confusion on Bra’s little red and tan face. Her eyes darted from her rear end to the pups and then up to Kate with a puzzled expression, her head tilted. She watched the pups squirm and wriggle at her teats, clearly surprised at what was happening.
Nick propped himself up on his elbow.
‘The surprise wouldn’t be pups, would it?’
Kate nodded.
‘Last night when you were sleeping. Five of them, three dogs and two bitches.’
‘Fantastic!’ Nick took Kate’s face in both hands and planted a kiss on her. ‘Our first joint venture. Or would it be our second?’ Kate smiled at his reference to Nell.
‘How’s Bra doing?’ he asked. ‘She’s a bit young to be a mum.’
Kate laughed softly.
‘She’s fine. A bit of a numbskull but I can give her some tips.’
‘You couldn’t wish for a better cross,’ he said with a wink.
‘Yep, it’s a damn fine cross,’ Kate said.
Nick bent forward to kiss her again. This time tantalisingly.
‘Would you like to have a shower with me?’
‘Yes, but it’s too small for two – so I’ll wait.’ She watched his lithe, perfect form as he got up from the bed and walked away from her. Before he walked through the door, he turned to catch her gaze.
‘What are you looking at?’ he said.
‘A whole lot actually,’ said Kate. ‘You sure have grown.’
‘Very funny,’ he said, before disappearing into the hallway. Kate rolled over in bed, smiling as she listened to Nick talking gently to Bra. Then she heard the clunk of the old pipes and water spluttering from the decrepit showerhead. Though Nick hadn’t mentioned anything, Kate knew Felicity would be there in town, pulling all her nurse’s strings at the hospital to make Nick’s dad more comfortable. She’d be propping Alice up, consoling Nick. Despite her happiness, Kate felt a stab of jealousy and mistrust. Should she say something to him? But she realised how selfish that would be. It was not the time or place to raise her insecurities. Kate rolled over again, drawing her knees to her chest. Hugging them to her.
It was then she noticed the time.
‘Shit,’ she said. It was eight o’clock! Janie’s mum was dropping Nell back at the big house at seven-thirty. Kate jumped up and pulled on her robe. As she did she heard a knock on the door and Nell’s small, tinkling voice.
Kate opened the door. There stood Janie, red-faced and rushed, on her way to town. She dumped Nell’s bags and gently pushed Nell towards her mother.
‘I’m really sorry, Janie,’ Kate implored. Janie blew out a breath.
‘No. Don’t be. It was stupid of me to make an appointment on a Monday after a B&S.’
Kate felt Nell hugging her leg.
‘Hello, chickpea,’ she said to Nell, stooping to give her a quick kiss and hug. ‘I missed you.’ She ran her hands over the top of her head, smoothing down her flyaway hair. Kate noticed the twins bundled in the four-wheel drive, watching from their car seats. ‘Gawd, Janie. I am so sorry. Have I made you really late?’
Janie waved it away. ‘I’ll get you back one day. After our blinder weekend, Dave and I are on a roll. We’re in love all over again. It’s the best! You can mind them when we go out for dinner next week.’ She craned her head past Kate to see along the hall. ‘Speaking of love, I see you’ve got a visitor.’
Kate couldn’t stifle the beaming smile that involuntarily lit up her face. She wrangled her mouth under control.
‘He just needed someone to talk to. About things. Got a lot on his mind lately.’ Kate folded her arms about her body and frowned, trying to remain serious and sombre.
‘How is his dad?’
‘Not too sure. Still out to it. Stable I think.’
‘And the bizzo with Felicity?’ Janie whispered.
‘Over, still. I think. I hope.’
Janie shot Kate a cautionary glance, then looked at her watch. ‘Look, I’ve got to go. We’ll never make it.’
‘Sorry,’ Kate said again as she watched Janie jog down the path and wave before she got in the 4WD and revved away. Kate turned to gather Nell up in a hug, but she’d already disappeared into the cottage, leaving a small trail of her coat, hat and gumboots along the hall.
Kate found them in the lounge room. Nick, freshly showered and dressed, was sitting next to Nell on the couch. She was snuggled close to him, showing him her favourite book, Where Is the Green Sheep? Kate watched as Nick looked down at Nell’s face. There were tears in his eyes. He laid his hand on the crown of her head and nodded, listening attentively to her babble.
‘Moon sheep. Star sheep,’ Nell said.
He glanced up, saw Kate and gave her a solemn smile. For weeks he had tried to deny, then play down his connection with the two people who were with him in the room. But now, as he felt the warmth Nell radiated, he could no longer suppress the love he instantly felt for her. It shocked him. But at the same time it warmed him. He had a daughter. This was his daughter.
‘Funny sheep,’ he said, swaying towards her and nudging her a bit, delivering a warm smile. She nudged back, wrinkled her nose and turned the pages of her book. The days in the Bronty shed together, those long drawn-out rouseabouting days, had given them a special foundation. Now, Nick wanted more of the little girl. He was ready to accept this new and very strange situation that had seemed to just land in his life. He looked up at Kate again and winked. She almost melted from the intensity of the meaning behind the gesture.
‘Stay for breakfast?’ Kate asked.
Nick shook his head.
‘Can’t, really sorry. Got to get back. Mum’ll be needing me.’ He stood, explaining gently to Nell that he had to go, and that he’d be back soon to finish the book.
He came over and kissed Kate on the cheek, taking hold of both her hands, trying hard to keep a lid on his passion in front of Nell.
‘Thanks,’ he said. ‘I’ll see you in a few days.’
Kate nodded.
‘Kiss me too!’ Nell cried out.
Nick swept her up in a big hug and held her for a long time. When he kissed Nell’s cheek and set her down again, Kate could see the emotion running fast beneath his serious face. He gave Kate another quick kiss, then he was gone.