Mum comes to see me in the afternoon. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to be anywhere near her.
We usually sit in the tearoom and talk when she comes, but this time we go for a walk around the grounds. She is wearing her long dark coat, and her hair looks greasy and a mess. I don’t think she is taking care of herself.
She doesn’t try to hug me when she sees me. She just coldly says, ‘Hello.’ I reply with the same and try to put as little niceness in it as possible.
We set off walking down Faith Avenue, then go up Praise Road and around, via Love Avenue and Church Road back again – the full loop. We just walk together in silence. I am not going to break it, I refuse to. I don’t have anything to say and I don’t want to try to make her feel better.
We keep walking the damp roads until Mum finally says, ‘I’m sorry, Lesley.’
I wasn’t expecting her to say it, so I don’t know what to say back. So I don’t say anything.
‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t in a situation to be able to bring you up myself, but you being here is the best thing that could have happened to you.
‘I really want you to come and live with us, I really do, and I will make it happen, just not right now. I’ve always wanted to be able to have you with us. When you were born, I couldn’t bring you up, but now I have a proper home for you. I just need it to be the right time.’
I stay quiet. I can’t seem to think of anything to say that would seem right, so rather than say anything wrong I say nothing. At least she said sorry, at least I know she wants me. She’s never seemed like she wanted me before. She is not very warm or how you would think a mother should be with their child.
‘Would you want to come and live with us if I could get my husband to agree to it?’
‘Of course, but only if you want me.’
‘Want you? Of course I want you. I’ve always wanted you, Lesley.’
She turns me round and holds my hands. There are tears in her eyes as she tries to speak. I am still determined not to cry; I am not going to show her I care. I can’t, I can’t care, I can’t let her in.
‘Lesley, I want you so much, I want you to come and live with us and be the big sister to your brother and two sisters. It might take time, but never think that I don’t want you to be with us.’ She squeezes my hands. ‘It’s just we can’t right now, but one day.’
With Mum there’s always an, ‘It’s just …’ I believed her up until she said that. But now I remember everything else she’s ever said that has never come true. Things she’s promised in the past, times she’s said she’d come see me and not turned up.
If Gran says she’ll come, she comes. If she says she’ll bring something, she brings something. If she says she’ll do something, she does it.
I’m not sure how she could have given birth to Mum, nor how I can be related to Mum. I’m like Gran – I always do what I say I’m going to do.
When Mum was saying sorry, I had started to believe her. I really wanted to. But those two words make me think of all the times she’s let me down. I stop listening to her for a while. I realise I don’t look like her, so I must look like my father, whoever he is. I don’t act like her, so I wonder if I act like my father too. I wonder if he even knows I exist?
I start listening to her again, but I realise they are just words. Only words.
‘I was so worried when I heard about that second girl getting killed. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Are you kids scared? I saw the polis at the entrance. How is your friend? Are you looking out for each other?’
I stop listening again.
We walk some more. I let her ramble on.
When it’s time to go she gives me a squeeze and says, ‘We’ll be together soon.’
It means nothing.
When I walk up the steps to Cottage 5, I don’t turn back to look at her before I go inside.