Seeing Mum always makes me feel worse. I never feel happier after she’s been, unlike when Gran comes. She never fails to make me feel better. The next time I see Eadie Schaffer I’ll ask if she can arrange it so I don’t have to see my mum for a while. She can do that and put a block on visits if I need it.
After my chores I go upstairs, get into bed and pull the blankets over my head so I am hidden. I don’t cry. Mum can’t make me cry any more. If I don’t believe her promises, then she can’t let me down or hurt me. You can only be hurt by people you care about. The only person I care about is Jonesy and that’s how I am going to keep it. The smaller the number of people you love the smaller the number who can let you down.
The other girls come into the bedroom and start talking. They don’t see me under the bedclothes. They’re talking about a boy at the Homes school. Does he like one of the girls, does he not, does he like someone else? I don’t know the boy they’re on about.
One day I am going to escape this place. When I am seventeen I will get a home of my own, probably with Jonesy. We will get jobs, we will get money, we will have a life where people don’t give you the belt for doing nothing wrong, where people don’t try to fight you because you are cleverer than they are.
I think we will move to Paisley or Glasgow. Maybe Glasgow, as it is bigger. One thing for sure is that when I leave here I will never come back. Or if I do come back it will be in a big black car with a driver. I will drive through the Homes but I will not get out of the car. I might wind the window down a little but not too much.
The call for tea goes up. I can’t face talking to anyone else today so I stay in bed. Jonesy pops up to see if everything is all right. I tell her I’m fine but that I just want to be alone. She says she’ll bring up some bread rolls for me.
Then Mrs Paterson comes up. She’s obviously asked where I am. I tell her I am fine and that I didn’t enjoy seeing my mum, so I want to stay in bed for the rest of the evening. She seems all right with this, but says she will bring up a plate of food as I need to eat.
She also says that this is a one-off and I am not to do it again; if I agree to eat my tea and not do it again then she will leave me alone.