One mornin Millie scrubbed me all clean an gave me a priddy pink shirt with liddle flowers to wear. I liked that shirt a awful lot — yup, that’s cause it made me feel like I was a pink flower too. Then she combed my hair an sprayed it with sticky stuff so it stayed put.
“Ruby Jean, your hands are a mess,” she said. “You’ve been scratching again, haven’t you? Well, there’s nothing I can do about that.”
Sometimes I scratched my hands cause I was angry. Sometimes I scratched em on account of I got the jitters. Like the night before when the new uniform dint leave a light on in the hall. But there was lotsa things that made me jittery, like amblances an too many uniforms in my room at one time. But it’s the dark that gets me jittery the most.
“There now, Ruby Jean,” Millie said. “You don’t look too bad. It’s important that my girls look good when they go out. Right?”
I dint answer her, but I never did so she dint spect me to.
Millie took me down to the cafeteria an put a bib over me so I wouldn’t mess my new shirt. Then she plunked down a tray with mushy prunes, porridge I knowed was gunna be cold, an milk I knowed was gunna be warm.
“You gave them Ruby Jean, eh?” Morris sniggered. “Mighty generous of you.”
Morris was the uniform I’d bit most — yup, more times than any of the others. Partly cause I dint like him so much — but mostly on account of all the time he tried touchin me when I was liddle. He dint come so close to me no more.
“Should be fun to see what trouble she causes them snotty, save-the-world, life-skills workers,” Morris said.
“We don’t have it easy, so why should they?” Millie said.
“That’s right. And it’s our job to make them face facts that this bunch is no smarter than your run-of-the-mill mutt. Hell, some aren’t even as smart as that.”
Millie looked at me. “Well, that’s probably true for most of them. But Ruby Jean — I think maybe she’s got more going on in that head of hers than she lets on. Isn’t that right, Ruby Jean?”
I dint answer her. But I never talked so she dint spect me to.
“It’s her unpredictable behaviour that makes her a problem — and a perfect candidate for this program.” Millie laughed.
I dint think much bout what Millie was sayin cause I was watchin Morris oudda the corner of my eye.
When I finished eatin Millie took me to the day room. Other kids were already there rockin an pacin an starin out the barred windows. Susan too. When the uniforms let me I always sat with Susan. That’s cause she was my best friend. Norval Fontaine was my best friend too, but he got put downstairs when he got old. After that I only saw Norval when we was walkin outside. He always waved at me an said, “Hello, Ruby Jean. How’s it goin?” I dint answer him. But I never talked so he dint spect me to.
Norval’s favourite thing was watchin hockey on TV. When the Boys was round they always put the hockey games on. He told me one day he wanted to see a real-life hockey game. I sure missed Norval after he left Ward 33. That’s cause he told me things — an even if I dint never tell him, Norval knowed I was listenin. He dint mind me not talkin anyways — that’s on account of talkin was his second best thing to do after watchin hockey. I learnt lots of things from Norval, that’s cause he could read an write a liddle an cause he’d been round Woodlands longer than anybody I knowed. He got left at Woodlands by his momma an poppa cause they was poor an cause he was a mental retard.
“They had to work hard to get enough money to look after my brothers and sisters, Ruby Jean. It wasn’t their fault. After the doctor told them I was an imbecile and wouldn’t amount to much, he said they should just put me in Woodlands so I wasn’t a burden to the family. Sometimes my brother, Walter, comes to visit — brings me chocolate and batteries for my transister radio. And Vi always sends me cards at Christmas. Don’t know what happened to little Ronnie and Elsa — I guess they’re all grown up now.”
Norval liked to listen to his radio in bed at night when the uniforms were busy. “I can hear music, and sometimes there’s talking about important things — I don’t understand so much of it. But I was listening the day they said a man was walking on the moon. Can you believe it, Ruby Jean — a man walking on the moon? I sure would like to walk on the moon one day. Wouldn’t you?”
Susan was my other best friend, but she was like me — she dint never talk. Susan an me had been together on Ward 33 for a long time. Even though we dint say nothin to each other — I could tell if she was happy or jittery, an she knowed when I was bout to do somethin to make the Boys come. That’s why she’d get up an move to the far side of the day room. But sometimes me an Susan was both jus fine an when that happened we sat holdin hands like sisters. I was glad I had Susan cause else I wouldn’t have no one.
That mornin when I came in with my nice hair an priddy shirt Susan smiled so big. Then she touched my sticky hair an laughed. I sure wished Susan could get a nice shirt an sticky hair like mine.
“Sit here, Ruby Jean,” Millie told me. “When it’s time to go out, I’ll come for you.”
I sat on the green plastic bench nex to Susan an waited. I dint knowed where I was goin, but it dint matter cause I had a pink-flowered shirt an priddy combed hair.
After a while, a lady wearin shiny red shoes an dark pink lipstick came into the day room. I wondered if she was the one who was gunna take me out. But she dint look at me a’tall. Instead she walked over to Darlene who was starin out the window.
“Hello, Darlene. Say hello to Mommy.”
Darlene dint look at Mommy. So Mommy took Darlene by the hand an tried to pull her away from the window. But Darlene dint wanna go an started moanin.
“Okay, okay,” Mommy said. “Don’t get excited. Let’s just talk here by the window then. So how are you? Is everything going well?”
Darlene dint answer.
“Well, that’s nice dear.” Then Mommy pulled out a candy bar from her purse. “Look, Darlene, Mommy brought you something.”
She dangled the bar in front of Darlene. I said to myself, if she doesn’t take the candy priddy soon I think I will go over an get it myself. Finally, Darlene took the candy bar from Mommy, but she still dint look her in the eye. After a liddle bit Mommy kissed Darlene’s cheek an patted her back.
“Well, dear, I’m off. I don’t have time for a long visit today. I just wanted to pop by to say, hello.”
Darlene’s mommy never had time for a long vizzid — nobody comin to Ward 33 did. Even when her mommy was bout to leave, Darlene still dint look at her. Dint wave goodbye neither. She jus looked out the window an held the candy bar close to her till the uniforms came an took it away. Then she cried an messed herself. I wondered bout that candy bar — bout who was gunna get to eat it.
Mom an Harold use to vizzid me when I was liddle. One day, after I was at Woodlands for a while, they came to see me. Mom wore a white dress an she had a bracelet of flowers — maybe that’s why she smelled like a garden too. Harold looked jus the same as always, cept for his shirt — it was clean an dint smell like cigars. I cried when I saw Mom.
“Oh, come on, Ruby Jean — don’t spoil things. Harold and me came around so you could see how nice I look. Today’s my wedding day, Ruby Jean. You should be happy for me.”
I guess I was jus too liddle to care bout weddin days an dint knowed why I was spose to be so happy bout it. I told Mom I dint like livin in Woodlands. “Please take me home,” I begged her.
“I wish I could, Ruby Jean. But it’s my honeymoon. Me and Harold are going to Reno for a while. Can’t say when we’ll be back.”
Mom got one of the uniforms to take a Polaroid picture of us. When the picture was done Mom put it in my hand.
“Here, Ruby Jean. You have it so you can look at your pretty momma and new daddy whenever you like.”
Mom dint come again for a long time after that. Then one day she arrived an had a baby in her arms. She told me that he was my baby brother. “His name is Harold, like his daddy.” She dint look so priddy or smell like a garden any more. Instead her eyes were dark an that baby was spittin up brown stuff all over her. I dunno why I did it, but I hit the baby. I hit him as hard’s I could. He screamed so loud I had to cover my ears. After that the uniforms came an pulled me down the hall. With the baby screamin an everybody yellin at me I never gotta chance to say goodbye to Mom.
I dint see Mom hardly ever after that day. I member she came once with a balloon an said, “Happy Birthday, Ruby Jean.” That was the last time I saw her — mus be cause she was awful busy lookin after the baby.
“Ruby Jean … it’s time to go out.” Millie was standin side a priddy lady who had long red hair like Rosemary. “This is Grace. She’s going to take you out for the day. She’s going to teach you some new things. Are you going to be a good girl for her?”
“Hello, Ruby Jean,” said Grace. “It’s very nice to meet you.” She reached out to shake my hand, but Millie pulled it away.
“I have to warn you — Ruby Jean’s a biter.” I got hot all over my face when Millie said that. “You never know what will set her off. One minute she’s sitting peacefully, the next she’s scratching and biting anyone within reach. I don’t mean to scare you, but you have to be on guard with her.”
“Thank you, Nurse. I read Ruby Jean’s report and I’m aware of her history. But I feel confident that with the right stimulation we won’t have any problems.” Then she reached out to shake my hand. “Would you like to go out with me today, Ruby Jean?” I dint answer her. But I must’ve been smilin cause she said, “Great, let’s go.”
Me an Grace walked to the locked meddal door.
Morris said, “Good luck.”
Then Millie said, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you. And by the way, she’s a runner too so keep a good hold of her.”
Somebody started laughin down at the nurses’ station.
Grace dint say nothin back. She jus looked at me an whispered, “We’ll be fine, won’t we?”
She unlocked the door an we went down the stairs that made the echo. I still liked to stomp my feet hard like when I was eight an came to Woodlands for the first time. But Grace dint squeeze my hand an say, “Stop it, Ruby Jean. Just stop it.”
I was feelin awful good that day — yup, awful good. I guess cause I was dressed like a pink flower an had sticky hair an was outside takin a walk. Me an Grace walked for a long time. We walked passed the wards, an the rec centre, an passed the garden too. After a long while we got to a nice liddle brown house. In all my time at Woodlands I never saw that house before. It hadda front door — not a meddal one — an it wasn’t locked neither. It dint look zackly like the house I lived in before I was eight, but it had a kitchen, a bathroom, an a nice room to sit in. I felt happy bein inside that house — yup, awful happy.
“This old house was where the B.C. penitentiary warden used to live,” Grace said. “But now we’ve got it and I’ll be bringing you here for training every day, Ruby Jean. You’re going to learn how to take care of yourself. We’re going to make sure you can wash yourself, brush your teeth, comb your hair — and even pick out your own clothes. Then when you’re ready, maybe you’d like to learn how to make yourself something to eat — like toast, a salad, and maybe even how to make Mrs. Jiffy muffins. How does that sound?”
I dint answer her. But I knowed I was smilin cause I liked to eat an those Mrs. Jiffy muffins sounded awful licious.
“Good. Then let’s get started,” Grace said.
First thing Grace did was teach me how to wash my face an hands. Millie already done that fore she combed my hair an made it sticky. But I dint mind doin it again with Grace. That’s cause she said I had to learn to do it for myself. She said there’s a lotta things to member. First, I had to put the plug in the hole … then turn on the cold water an then the hot water. Grace said, “Don’t let the water get too hot, Ruby Jean — we don’t want it to burn you.” After I made the facecloth wet I had to squeeze it. One time I forgot to squeeze. Grace said, “Never mind. Your shirt will dry.” Nother time I forgot an got Grace wet. She said, “Never mind. My shirt will dry.” Then I got soap in my eyes an it hurt a lot. I was moanin like the dickens but dint have no feelin to bite or hit. Nope, dint wanna do that a’tall. Grace told me, “Just keep practising, Ruby Jean. You’ll get it.”
After that Grace said it was time to go. I dint wanna go an wished I could stay in the liddle house forever.
“Ruby Jean, you’ve done very well today. I can tell you’ll be able to learn many things in this program. Tomorrow we’ll practise what you learned, then try some new things — like brushing your hair and teeth. Would you like that?”
I dint answer her, but I was smilin. What I was really wonderin bout was when I was gunna learn to make them Mrs. Jiffy muffins. Gramma use to bake muffins — blueberry oatmeal, an cranberry ones, an those peach bran ones too. They sure was awful licious.
The walk back to Ward 33 was too fast. Priddy soon we was stompin our way up the echo stairs an then we was back at my room with all the others. Millie was gone home so Grace talked to Bernice an Morris an told em all the good things I done. Then she said she would take me to the house again after one sleep. I was happy bout that — yup, awful happy.
When Grace left Morris said to Bernice, “I can’t believe the little cretin behaved herself. Little Miss Do-Gooder’s probably just too embarrassed to tell us how Ruby Jean acted up.” Then he looked at me. “Did you bite her, Ruby Jean? C’mon, you can tell Morris.”
Morris dint knowed I’d never want to bite Grace. Sure was gettin a feelin bout bitin him though.
Before I could eat, Bernice told me to take off my flowered shirt. “You can wear this again tomorrow if you don’t mess it up. I’ll put it in your bin, Ruby Jean.” I hoped Millie wouldn’t forget to give it back in the mornin. I wanted to wear the pink-flowered shirt every day. “Here, put this smock on for now.”
Suddenly, there was a lot of bangin an noise comin from down the hall. A real commotion Norval would say. “Get a doctor up here quick!” yelled somebody. Whenever the uniforms called for a doctor I got the jitters — yup, everybody did. That’s cause doctors comin to the ward was a bad sign. Jus then I thought bout Susan. I wondered if somethin bad happened to her. I sure dint want nothin to happen to my Susan cause she was my best friend — yup, my only best friend after Norval left. When I went out to the hall I saw her watchin the commotion long with all the others. Seein her standin there made me feel bedder — but I still had the jitters.
“Okay, everyone, down to the day room,” Bernice said. “Tom, you finish herding them down the hall and then stay there and watch them. I’ll go see if I can help out.”
Priddy soon I heard the whinin of a amblance outside. I had a hard time breathin after that an started scratchin at my hands somethin fierce. I dint like amblances — nope, that’s cause they took people away an never brought em back. I think the other kids were gettin the jitters too — some were rockin an moanin, others was dartin back an forth cross the room like a bunch of dogs itchin to get oudda their cage. Susan hid in the corner an covered her ears. I tried to hold her hand tight — but she dint let me.
We had to stay in the day room for a long time. I got so hungry too — yup, so hungry my stomach started growlin. Susan musta been hungry too cause she started moanin — an from the bad smell I could tell she wet herself. It was dark when Tom finally told us to come eat.
Jus fore we went in to the cafeteria I saw the amblance men pushin somebody on a rollin bed. I dint knowed who it was cause of the big white sheet coverin him from head to toe. But I thought, oh-oh, whoever ya are, yer not comin back. I knowed that cause I’d seen others leave Ward 33 like that an never come back. Jus like what happened to Gramma — once the amblance got ya, ya dint never come back — nope, never.
I heard Tom talkin to nother uniform. He said, “The bosses must think we’re a bunch of bloomin’ magicians. Why else would they give us seventy kids when there’s only five of us? Too many to look after … hardly any training … lousy equipment. Should be no surprise to anyone when they start dropping like dead flies.”
I liked Tom — yup, he was one of the uniforms I liked best. But I never seen him do tricks so I sure dint think he was no magician — nope, not a’tall.
That night a bed got squeezed in nex to mine. Somebody’s yellow-an-white pajamas was on top of the bed.
“You’re going to have a new roommate, Ruby Jean,” Bernice said. “Isn’t that nice? Shirley’s going to sleep beside you.”
I dint understand why Shirley was gunna sleep side me. She liked to stay with Paulina. They was best friends — maybe even more best friends than me an Susan. After the lights went out, I heard a liddle voice in the dark. It was Shirley.
“Paulina’s gone away … won’t come back. Poor, Paulina. Poor, poor, Paulina. Shirley said, ‘Paulina, don’t eat so fast. You’ll get heartburn.’ Then her heart stopped and they can’t make it go again. Now they’re gunna take Paulina apart and give her away. Poor, Paulina. Shirley is sad, so, so sad. Ahh, poor, Shirley.”
Shirley talked like that all night, but I dint mind cause she was sad bout Paulina. I was a liddle sad too, but mostly I was glad it wasn’t Susan who went away in the amblance.
Sometimes I wondered bout dead people. Like, if no one got buried in Woodlands cemetery no more, where’d they put em? Norval told me bout that prison nex to Woodlands. He said, “There’s a graveyard over there, Ruby Jean — at the penitentiary. That’s where they bury the bad guys — the vermin and jailbirds. But they don’t put names on their gravestones … just numbers. That way nobody can tell who it is.” Norval called em vermin an jailbirds — dint zackly knowed what that meant, but dint sound good.
Nother thing I wondered bout — after they buried em dead people — was what happened nex? Gramma use to say inside our bodies was our real self … our souls. I knowed Gramma’s real self got to go to the good heaven for nice people — that’s cause she was a awful good person. But what bout Paulina an Willy Bennett an me? Did we get to go to the nice heaven or did we hafta go to the one for vermin an jailbirds and the retards? Spect that jailbird heaven’s got barred windows an locked doors too. I sure wished I never had to go there — nope, don’t wanna go to heaven if there’s barred windows an locked doors.
Sometimes bein a fly on the wall’s not such a good thing. That’s cause sometimes I heard things I wished I dint hear. Like the night Morris told some other uniforms bout Paulina.
“Can you believe it — they dug out her brain and sent it to the medical school. Don’t ask me why? I mean, what could they possibly learn from the brain of a halfwit?” Then he laughed.
I think Shirley heard him too an that’s what upset her. That night in bed she wouldn’t stop talkin bout it. “Poor Paulina, now she’s dead, lost her head, can’t get up in the morning. Poor, poor Paulina. Can’t have a headstone cause she’s got no head … nope, got no head. Shirley is so, so sad. Poor, poor Paulina.” Yup, poor Shirley an poor Paulina.
After Paulina went away there was a lot more uniforms on Ward 33 — yup, a lot more — well, for a while anyways. Nothin happened like usual. For one thing — we all had to get oudda bed early. So that meant the porridge was warm instead of cold … the milk was cold instead of warm. The TV was off all mornin an we had nice music instead — the kind Gramma use to play on her record player. Nother thing — Grace dint take me to the liddle brown house.
“I’m sorry we can’t go to the training centre right now, Ruby Jean. Nurse Millie says no one is allowed out of sight.” Then she smiled big an showed me a box she brung. “Never mind. I’ve brought you some things to work on.”
I wished we could go to that nice liddle house, but I was mostly happy cause Grace came to see me. I practised zippin zippers, an doin up buttons, an foldin towels, an makin my bed.
“Being able to do these things makes you independent, Ruby Jean,” Grace said. “Next time we’ll work on using a lock and key — something you’re going to need to do if you’re going to live in a house someday.”
Live in a house someday? I couldn’t figure what Grace meant by that. Sometimes she said things that got me mixed up — I guess it dint help with me not bein so smart. Still, bein confused with Grace was bedder than havin to spend my days watchin As the World Turns.