Chapter Eighteen

I was surprised to see a customer in the store a half hour after closing. I knew Rachel had a birthday party with the girls and she’d been adamant about closing on time. The instant I pushed through the front door and saw the strain on Rachel’s face, I knew something was wrong. Her expression mirrored the one she had at Mike’s funeral. It was one of grief, anger, and dread.

My gaze flickered to the threat: the tall, nicely dressed woman who stood with her back to me. Instantly, fire stoked in my belly as I drew in a breath ready to battle this woman, whoever she might be. “What’s up, Rachel?”

The woman turned and for a moment my mind did not register what I saw.

“Daisy.” Rachel’s voice held the controlled calmness that had soothed many a family row. “This is Terry Davis.”

Renee. Terry. The author of the letter. My birth mother. The woman who had abandoned me on the patio so many years ago. I’d rarely been at a loss for words in my life but they failed me now. What the hell did someone say in a situation like this? How’s it going? Nice you could stop by? So, what’s been doing the last thirty years?

Terry took a step toward me. Tension rippled through her body. “Daisy is still your name.”

“Yes.” Her fingers, I noticed, were just like mine. Long and lean with deep nail beds. And her face mirrored mine.

Even as I stared at a mid-fifties version of myself, I felt like a small child. For an instant, I flashed back to a moment when I sat in my birth mother’s lanky lap trying to relax into her tense arms as she rocked back and forth. I was crying, hungry for comfort. She was also crying, seemingly just as starved for comfort.

The child in me was selfish indeed and had little care for the young mother who’d birthed her. That little girl wanted her mother—this woman—to take me in her arms and whisper words of apology as she sought forgiveness and explained everything. God, there was so much I wanted . . .

“Daisy.” Rachel’s calm voice cut through the tension. “I just put on a pot of coffee. I thought you two might like a cup. Mom’s run the kids to the party. I can stay if you want.”

I couldn’t take my eyes off Terry. Growing up, I’d never looked like anybody and now I stood face-to-face with a near twin. “No, that’s fine, Rachel. You go.”

The eerie calm in my voice had Rachel staring closely at me. “Are you sure?”

“Yes. I’m fine.”

“Okay. But Mom will be coming back here soon.” I didn’t miss the warning or the extra emphasis on “Mom.” “I’ve got my cell. I’m only ten minutes away.”

“Go. Please.”

Terry rubbed her thumb over the top of her Prada purse, which she held close to her cream jacket. A white silk blouse, fitted pants, and sleek suede shoes told me life had treated her pretty well. So much for all the dreams I’d had of a poor, destitute Renee.

When Rachel left, I moved toward the counter, needing a task to buy me a little time. “Would you like a cup of coffee?”

“Sure. I’ve not reached my ten-cup quota yet.” Her smile was stiff and forced.

“You and me both.” In a family of tea drinkers, I’d never imagined a coffee junkie had birthed me. I poured two cups in USB mugs and nodded toward the back. “I’ve an office back there. It’s quiet.”

“Sure.”

“Oh, cream or sugar?”

“No. Black is fine.”

Aware only of the coffee’s heat warming my fingers and the click of Terry’s heels, I made the short trek to my office with my birth mother. I set the mugs on the edge of my desk and then cleared bank statements and invoices from the one spare chair I had. I positioned it closer but not so close that our knees touched.

As I stared at the face that looked so much like mine, I thought about the lifetime of dreams I’d had about her. As much as I thought I knew her, I realized I didn’t know her at all. She was a stranger. And I didn’t warm up to strangers easily.

My chair squeaked and groaned as I settled and then debated the merits of leaning back, which denoted casual, then fearing that would appear indifferent, I thought about sitting forward and crossing my legs. Did that show interest or overeagerness? In the end, I didn’t really move in either direction. I remained straight, feet flat on the floor.

Terry nestled her purse in her lap. Her long fingers traced and retraced the triangular Prada logo. “I wasn’t sure if you’d talk to me when I didn’t hear from you after I wrote the letters. I was just going to let the whole reunion thing go but then you called.”

I tugged at a loose thread on my jacket. “Yeah. I left a message on Sunday.”

A long, shuddering breath filled her lungs. “It took me a few days to arrange a getaway. I thought a face-to-face might be more effective than a call.”

“Honestly, a call would have been better. It would have given me a little more time to digest this whole thing. I had a friend of mine call your cell. I guess your husband answered.”

Color drained from her face. “What did your friend say?”

“He owns a bike shop and he inquired about your upcoming rental. We didn’t want to blow your cover.”

A breath eased from her. “Thanks.”

“So your husband doesn’t know you’re here.”

“No.” She crossed and recrossed her legs. “I’m kind of an all-or-nothing person.”

“So I’ve noticed.” The words bit more than I’d intended. “Sorry.” Why was I the first to utter an apology?

She frowned. “I brought pictures for you. They are of you when you were born.” She fished the pictures out of her purse and handed them to me.

I took them and slowly thumbed through them. There were a half dozen in all and the first featured me as a newborn swaddled in a pink blanket. I had a scrunched face and from the looks, I’d been crying. The next picture was of Terry and me at a few months old. She held me close to her face and we both were smiling. In this photo, we looked so happy. I leaned into the pictures, studying her face. There was no hint of fear. No hint that she would run.

“Until now, my earliest pictures were taken when I was three. Can I keep these?”

“Yes, they are for you. I’m sorry there aren’t more but I didn’t have a camera then. These were all taken by friends and roommates.” She tapped her foot. “I know you’ve got to have questions for me.”

“I do.” I sipped the coffee but found it far harsher than Rachel’s usual fare. Carefully, I set it on the desk, noting Terry had not touched hers. “But honestly, I’m not sure where to start.”

She sat back in her chair. “I suppose the day I left might be a good place.”

A numbing stillness settled in my chest. “That does top the list.”

For several moments, she did not speak as if she were flipping through a script she’d written and rewritten over the years. “I was a different person then. I was very young and was on a bad path. I was only seventeen when you were born. I wasn’t married and my parents could not accept that I’d had an out-of-wedlock baby.”

So I had grandparents who also had not wanted me. Wonderful. “Who is my father?”

“When we met, he wasn’t even old enough to have a driver’s license. There was only the one night between us.”

“Wow.” Product of a one-night stand. “Did you tell him about me?”

“No.” She released a breath. “It wouldn’t have worked even if I had told him. He was so young. From what he told me that night, he didn’t get along with family either and I feared they’d take issue with a baby. I didn’t want to end your life before it began.”

For that I was grateful. She’d given me what no one else on the planet could have: life.

“You didn’t consider adoption?”

“I thought I could raise you by myself. But I had no idea how hard it would be to raise a child.”

Emotion tightened my throat. “Where was I born?”

“Baltimore. Do you have children?”

“No.”

“Well, in case you do, you might like to know that you were an easy pregnancy and delivery. Just a couple of pushes and you were out.”

Fertile stock. Great. “Did we stay in Baltimore?”

“Yes. I was living with cousins and then later, friends. And for a while it worked pretty well. I worked nights while you slept. My friends watched you at night and I took care of you during the day.”

“So what went wrong?”

“I woke up on my twentieth birthday and looked in the mirror. I looked twice my age and I felt so old. You were so full of energy and light and I did love you. But I realized we just weren’t good for each other.”

“You just said I was doing well.”

“I wasn’t doing so well.”

“So really what you’re saying is that I wasn’t good for you.” My voice remained low and controlled but sharp edges bracketed the words.

Her lips flattened. “I’m here to explain, not to justify or apologize. I don’t expect you’ll like everything I have to say but I believe you have a right to know.”

I leaned forward. “I’m thirty-four years old. Why now?”

She eased back in her chair. “About time, don’t you think?”

I wasn’t sure what it was that set my senses on alert. Was it the quick downturn of her gaze or the shift in her energy? Whatever it was, I knew she wasn’t telling me everything. “Mabel Woodrow was an old lady who lived here in town. She died two weeks ago at the age of ninety-nine. She swore she saw us together before you took me to the bakery. Did she see us together?”

Her gaze widened. She opened her mouth. Closed it. And then finally said, “She did.”

I sat back in my chair, annoyance shattering the shaky reserve I clung to. “So all these years she knew who you were and she never came forward.”

“I don’t know anything about that. I haven’t spoken to Mabel in thirty years.”

The image of the young boy standing next to Mabel flashed in my head. Now I knew why he’d looked so familiar to me. He looked like me. He looked like Terry. “So she must have been your great-aunt or something?”

Her complexion paled. “How did you know?”

“There’s a picture hanging in her hallway. She’s standing next to a boy. I was there last week and the picture caught my attention. He looked like me. I’m guessing he was your dad.”

“Daddy was her favorite nephew.”

“He died.”

“Ten years ago. Heart attack.”

“Sorry.” Shit. Stop apologizing.

“Thanks.”

Silence settled between us and I found myself again facing the question that had haunted me for thirty years. “Why did you just leave me?”

Terry moistened her lips. “I didn’t just leave you.”

“You left me in a bakery, alone.” The calmness in my voice amazed me. In fact, the entire tone of this conversation was a wonder. So civilized. So contained. “I was three years old.”

“There were plenty of people. And I watched the lady running the bakery for a good half hour before I made my decision. She looked kind.”

My heart beat so loudly I folded my arms over my chest. “She is kind. She and her husband adopted me.”

“Really? I didn’t know that. I only contacted the bakery because this was the last place I saw you.”

“Right.” I was trying hard to find something to like about her. I wanted a good reason for her abandonment.

She nodded, and I sensed if she’d had any lingering guilt over my abandonment, it vanished. “Then I made the right decision leaving you with her.”

“She could have been a serial killer for all you knew.”

Her gaze hardened. “That’s not fair. I watched her for over a half hour.”

“That’s right. A whole half hour. I heard that. So what led you to the decision to walk?” The question was soaked with anger.

“I went to see Mabel to ask her for money. I needed help.” She flexed her fingers. “I had a drug problem then. I wasn’t doing well. She’d given me money before and I thought she’d do it again. When she wouldn’t return my calls, we took the bus to Alexandria so I could see her. I thought if she saw me—and you, especially—she’d give me money.”

“Mabel didn’t give you a dime.”

“She gave me two dollars and told me to go to the bakery. She said to feed you and to think about my life.”

She shook her head, as if the memory of Mabel’s rejection had stalked her for years. “She told me that two dollars was the last bit of money I’d ever see from her again.”

“And you went to the bakery.”

“I bought you cookies.”

“Sugar with red sprinkles.”

“You remember?”

“I remember that and the scent of peppermints.”

“I ate a lot of candy then. The drugs made me crave sugar. They gave out peppermints where I worked and I was always snagging some.”

“Okay.”

“Daisy, I really did think you’d be better off. I believed Mabel had sent me to the bakery because she knew the lady who ran this place was a happy, giving person. And when I saw her, I thought she was the kind of mother I wanted for you.”

“You never spoke to her. You didn’t ask her if she knew anything about kids. You didn’t know if she could afford a child. You only watched her for thirty minutes.”

“But Mabel sent me here. Mabel did everything for a reason.”

“What if she’d sent you to the Dairy Queen or McDonald’s?”

Her grip on her purse tightened. “Don’t be flip.”

“Don’t be flip? I’m feeling like I’ve got a right to a lot of emotions. After thirty years of questions, I think I’m entitled to a little anger and frustration.”

She tapped her foot. “I came here in good faith. I didn’t come to be attacked.”

“Why did you come? After all these years, it’s clear you’re doing well. Why now, after so much time?”

“Maybe I thought you had a right to know about your past.” I got the sense that Terry had rewritten much of what had happened. Somehow in her version, she’d not really done anything wrong. In fact, she’d been more than a tad virtuous when she sat in the café for a whole thirty minutes before walking out of my life.

“Or maybe Mabel contacted you and told you to contact me. She knew she didn’t have much time and I’m guessing it bothered her just a little I didn’t know the truth.”

Terry’s jaw tensed and I knew I’d hit a nerve.

“Did she promise to upset that nice, neat world you have now? Did she threaten to call your husband?”

Terry tensed her jaw much like I did when I was angry. “She said it was time for me to clear my conscience. Time for me to make peace. She told me to get in touch with the bakery and find out what had happened to you.”

“And here you are?”

“Yes.” She leaned toward me. “I’m trying to do the right thing. You have a right to know where you came from and what is going on in your life. You have a right to know I had thyroid cancer two years ago.”

That caught me short and drained some of the fire from my belly. “I’m sorry.”

“Cancer is no walk in the park but I will be fine. But it’s something you need to watch out for, though, when you get into your forties.”

“Okay.”

She pulled a file from her purse. “This is a complete medical history. There is also a copy of your original birth certificate.”

I opened the manila folder but didn’t really focus on the words. I’d had precious morsels of my past over the years and had jealously guarded them. Now I had a feast to review but found I didn’t know where to begin.

“So where do you live now?” I said.

“New York.”

I closed the file. I’d sift through it later but not now. “You look like you’ve done well for yourself.”

“After I left here I went home. My parents forgave me and helped me get my act together. I got my degree and a job in advertising. I’m married now. I have two boys, ages sixteen and seventeen.”

“Did your parents ask about me?”

“I told them I gave you up for adoption. They accepted it without explanation.”

And so Daisy the mistake had been brushed under the carpet and forgotten. “I’ve got to tell you, Terry, in all the years I’ve fantasized about this moment, this is not what I expected.”

She stared at me but didn’t apologize.

I knitted my fingers together and set them in my lap. “So where do we go from here?”

“I’ll be in town until the end of the week. I’m staying at the Armistead in Alexandria. This is your time to ask your questions.”

“And then?”

“Then I go home. You go back to your life and I go back to mine.”

“Just like that?”

“Yes.” She rose. “Look, I think we’ve covered a lot today.”

Standing, I couldn’t help but smile at the absolute insanity of this day. “You are never going to tell your husband and sons about me, are you?”

“No.”

“Did you know child abandonment is a class-six felony?”

She pulled in a steady breath. “My attorney is willing to argue that the bakery was safe harbor.”

Of course. “You’ve covered your bases.”

Her lips thinned. “I’ve got to protect my family.”

And yourself. I had always received unconditional love from Mom and Dad. They’d sacrificed a lot for my sisters and me and I’d never once heard them complain. It was their love that made it so very hard for me to understand how a mother could put herself so easily before her child. Or how she could reject one child and adore others.

I’d look back on this moment and wish I’d said a million other things but I could not summon another word from my stunned brain.

“Call me at the hotel if you want to talk more,” she said.

“Sure.” I could barely think straight right now and hoped I could calm enough to see her again.

I followed her down the hallway into the bakery and to the front door. She unlocked the dead bolt and opened the door. The bells jingled. For a moment, I thought she’d say something else but then she left, vanishing around the corner just as she’d done thirty years ago.

Numbly, I closed the door and locked it. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or call Mom. I just couldn’t move.

Finally, I moved toward the door that led to my apartment. I wanted nothing more than to lie down and curl up into a ball.

When I opened the door, I nearly screamed when I discovered my entire family huddled on the stairs. Dad was at the top, then Mom, then Margaret and Rachel. They made no effort to hide their eavesdropping.

“Honey, are you all right?” Mom said.

“I’m fine.”

Margaret stood. “I hate that word. Fine. What the hell does that mean? Fine. You look like a truck hit you.”

“I’m fine.”

“You cannot be fine,” Mom said. She threaded her way through my sisters so that she stood on the step above me, which put us at eye level. “I heard what she said. And I know I wouldn’t be fine. I’d be so pissed I’d be throwing pots and pans.”

My knees wanted to buckle and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could stand there. Depressing emotions clawed at my insides and I knew they were going to burst forth like the Hulk. And I didn’t want an audience present when the green monster tore its way out of me. “I just need a moment alone.”

Mom laid her hands on my shoulders and the gentleness made me flinch. “No more alone time for you, Daisy. I let you sulk in that room of yours far too much when you were a kid. We are going to do this together.”

“Together? How can we do this together? You can’t know what it feels like to be left. You had your parents. You’ve got Dad and your kids. Everyone in your life is here.”

Tears filled her eyes. “Everyone who is important in your life is here, honey.”

“I know what you’re saying. You are here for me. And I love you for it. But right now I just want to go to my room.”

“You need us,” Dad said.

“I know that. I do.” Without warning tears spilled down my face. “But the fact is that the woman who gave birth to me just left me again. Shit. What does that say about me?”

Mom traced a tear from my cheek. “It doesn’t say anything about you. This is about her and her shortcomings. You did nothing wrong.”

Margaret swiped a tear from her face. “Mom’s right, Daisy. Don’t carry her shit on your back.”

“I get that, in my head. I really do.”

“Then, what?” Rachel said.

“Did you hear her say she had two boys? She’s raising her boys. She’s being a mother to them. But not me.”

“As angry as I am about what she did, I do feel sorry for her,” Rachel said.

“How can you feel sorry?”

“She made a really bad choice thirty years ago. And no matter what she says, she feels it every day. You can’t be human and not feel that kind of choice.”

“I don’t think she does feel—at least for me.”

“She’s here, isn’t she?” Mom said.

“Because Mabel threatened her.”

“She could have rolled the dice on that one, Daisy,” Dad said. “We all knew Mabel did not have much time. Terry strikes me as a very clever girl. She’d have figured a way around Mabel.”

“I wish I could believe that.”

“Honey,” Mom said, “Terry fucked up big time when she walked away from you. But I’ve got to say, the selfish side of me is glad that she did. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have had you in my life.”

I laughed and swiped away another tear. “Mom, you just said ‘fucked up.’”

“Yes, I did. And I meant it.”

“I’ve driven you crazy.”

“And so has Margaret and so has Rachel. You each have your own set of issues.”

The logic of her words did not connect with the emotions. Maybe one day. But not today. “Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“I hear you. I do. But I just can’t think anymore. I just can’t. I’ll see everyone in the morning.” I climbed my way through my family and up the stairs to my room and went to the window that overlooked the café below. I wondered if Terry had paused and remembered when she’d arrived today or had simply breezed past the chairs and tables outside.

I leaned my head against the cool glass of the window. “Shit. Now what?”

And as if by providence, my cell in my back pocket rang. I dug down and glanced at the number, half hoping and half dreading it was Terry. It was Henri.

I cleared my throat and hit Send. “Henri.”

“I am in the bakery. We need to talk.”

“About?”

“Not on the phone. In the back alley.”

I closed my eyes. “I’ll be right down.”

•   •   •

I moved down the stairs, gave a quick easy wave to everyone, and then cut through the saloon doors. In the bright light of the alley, Henri’s wrinkles looked deeper and his skin more sallow. I knew I’d be lucky if he made it out the month.

“Henri.” I drew in a measured breath, oddly grateful to have a problem that could be solved. Losing Henri would take a toll on us, but we’d survive. The bakery would continue.

He reached in his pocket and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. Instead of waiting for me, he moved down the alley away from the bakery. I followed.

He flipped a lighter open and lighted the tip of his cigarette. White smoke curled around his squinting eyes.

“Your father knows, I believe.”

“Yes, he knows. I didn’t say anything. He guessed.”

“He is a smart man. I’ve always respected him.”

“Me, too.”

He studied the glowing tip of his cigarette held between his gnarled thumb and index finger.

“Has anyone said anything to you? Has Dad said something?”

“He understands I will come to him when I’m ready.”

“No offense, Henri, but you’re looking pretty ready.”

He smiled . . . a first in my lifetime. “Perhaps I am.”

The smoke curled around his face then rose in the air. “So what is the deal with your cousin?”

I leaned against the brick wall and watched as he took a long drag on his cigarette, savoring the way the smoke rolled out of his nose and lungs. I’d watched him smoke since I was a kid and he made it all look so exotic. When I was fourteen, I’d even stolen one of his cigarettes and lighted it up. I’d felt so grown-up and so sure. Until I inhaled a lungful of smoke. So lightheaded I had to sit down, I’d coughed and sputtered for an hour. Henri had seen me coughing but had never said a word.

“He said he would work for you for two months. If he likes it here, he will stay. If he does not he will leave.”

“Not exactly the solution I was looking for.”

“He will like it here.”

“How do you know?” A good old-fashioned guarantee would have been real nice now.

“Je sais.” I know.

“How old is he now?”

“Thirty. Maybe more.”

“Where did he study?”

A grunt told me he did not think much of my question. He inhaled again. “He is like me. He worked in a bakery and learned as he went.”

No formal training. Of course. But customers did not care about degrees and certificates. They cared about food.

Choosing the bakery’s primary baker was not a decision to make lightly. I was literally allowing Henri to perform a heart transplant for this place. Without the bread baker, we’d die. Two weeks ago, I’d have insisted on a resume. I’d have worried about immigration paperwork. Work visas. Did the guy even speak English?

But now, I could only run my fingers through my hair and ask, “When will he be here?”