‘Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are …’
Vanessa makes her voice fade and linger. Melvin has fallen asleep at last.
She stays by his bedside for a while. Listens to his hushed breathing and looks at the toy penguin cuddled in his arms. Recalls last winter, when she didn’t see him for several months. It still pains her to think about how much her disappearance had confused him. She doesn’t ever want to hurt him like that again. She would ruin Melvin’s whole world if she were to tell her Mom about Nicke.
Tears are burning behind her eyelids. She gets up from the bed gently to avoid waking Melvin. He would see her cry and he mustn’t.
She tiptoes across the floor and goes to the kitchen.
‘All well?’ Mom asks. She is sitting at the kitchen table, hunched over a sudoku.
‘He’s asleep now.’
‘We’ll see how long that lasts,’ Mom says and smiles.
Her blonde hair is unwashed and she looks tired. But she’s beautiful all the same, Vanessa thinks. She could have found someone better than Nicke. Much better, easily.
‘What are you thinking?’ Mom asks.
‘That you’re lovely,’ Vanessa replies.
And regrets it instantly, because Mom’s expression brightens and she looks so happy that Vanessa almost starts crying again. She is saved by a key rattling in the front door lock.
Vanessa opens the dishwasher and tackles the mounds of dirty dishes piled up on the kitchen counter.
‘It has been one fucking awful day,’ Nicke says as he comes into the kitchen.
Mom welcomes him with a sloppy kiss and Vanessa’s stomach turns. If only Mom knew where his mouth has been.
‘Poor darling, you’re so late home,’ Mom says. ‘You look all washed out.’
More squishy noises. Vanessa concentrates on the dishwasher. Competes with herself about fitting as many glasses as possible into the top drawer.
‘I wonder sometimes what’s going on in this town,’ Nicke says and goes to the fridge to get a can of beer.
Vanessa turns icy cold. What if someone saw them in the cemetery yesterday and told the police about the violation of the grave?
‘What’s up this time?’ Mom asks.
Vanessa tries to stack the dishes as quietly as possible. She doesn’t want to draw attention to her listening.
‘The autopsy results for that psychologist came through. It was an electric shock that did her in. Not a damn clue how it happened. But as luck would have it, she has no family so no one will demand answers,’ Nicke says. There’s a hiss as he opens his beer.
‘Surely being alone can’t ever be good luck?’ Mom says.
‘Come on, Jannike. You know what I mean. A bunch of determined relatives can make cases like this drag on for all eternity.’
He disgusts Vanessa so much that she can’t stand being silent any more. She must find an outlet for her anger against him, her hatred. Even if it means that she’s blamed for disturbing the family peace. Vanessa turns to him.
‘It must be great to be you. I mean, it is so tough to keep trying to get one’s head around other people’s feelings.’
‘Coming up for air now?’ Nicke says.
He glances at her and his eyes are challenging. He doesn’t know that she knows. And now she realizes that she wants him to know.
‘You don’t seem to care all that much about anybody’s feelings, generally. Or who you’re hurting,’ Vanessa says.
‘Please, you two. Don’t start,’ Mom says.
Vanessa tries to calm down. Reaches for a cloth and wipes the sink area slowly and thoroughly. It doesn’t help much.
‘I’d put my money on suicide,’ Nicke says, swallowing the rest of the beer noisily and barely suppressing a burp. ‘Everyone knows that psychologists have a hell of a lot of problems. Which is why they pick the job.’
‘I’m not sure that has to be the case,’ Mom says vaguely.
Vanessa throws the cloth into the sink.
‘And that must be another great thing about being you,’ she says. ‘Being able to judge people without waiting for stuff like evidence. Everyone neatly pigeonholed, right?’
She felt sure, actually hoped, that Nicke would start a shouting match. That it would finally come to open warfare between them. But Nicke only smiles and looks superior.
‘I don’t prejudge anyone but I’ve learned something about how people’s minds work,’ he says. ‘Like when I spotted straight away that it wouldn’t work out for you and Wille.’
This silences Vanessa. And she gazes at her mother.
‘Nessa, I haven’t said a word. I promise you.’
‘Then how does he know?’
Nicke waves his left hand about in a meaningful way, then points to his ring finger.
Vanessa looks at her own ring finger. At the thin line of pale skin showing where the summer sun has not reached. Of course. Now she sees just how obvious it is.
Maybe Linnéa noticed it when they met at the cemetery. And maybe didn’t read Vanessa’s mind.
‘So next time you’d do well to listen to me and Jannike.’
‘Oh, yes, please, why don’t you give me tons of advice about relationships,’ Vanessa sneers. ‘You’re such a terrific role model.’
‘I can’t bear another one of your shouting matches!’ Mom says.
‘Join the fucking crowd,’ Vanessa says.
Mom spreads her arms in a resigned gesture and goes into the living room. Some crappy TV show starts up a few seconds later. Nicke grins arrogantly at Vanessa and also leaves the kitchen.
Fury is growing stronger inside her, but she doesn’t dare let it out this time. She must think. Sort out her emotions. Decide what to do about her secret knowledge. Make up her mind, once and for all.
Vanessa goes to her room. Her phone pings. It’s a text from Evelina.
Nessie, how are things? Call me!!!
Vanessa is glad that Evelina and Michelle are rooting for her. Truly, she is. But ever since she told them about Wille this morning, they’ve been like two small, caring leeches.
‘Still hoping he’ll call, or what?’
Vanessa turns around. Nicke stands in the doorway.
‘Why don’t you just fuck off, you creep.’
Nicke steps into the room and comes up close.
‘You’d better watch it,’ he says.
Vanessa’s instinct tells her to back away, but she doesn’t want to give him the pleasure. She crosses her arms.
‘You’re the one who should watch it,’ she says quietly. ‘I know what you’ve been up to.’
He snorts and a stale gust of beer wafts over her face.
‘So what’s that you reckon you know?’
Back in the living room, the audience is applauding wildly. Nicke is so close that his broad-shouldered body fills Vanessa’s field of vision. She has to look up to meet his eyes.
‘I saw you. In the police car. Your colleague was very obliging. What did you think, was she good at what she was doing?’
‘I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.’
But Nicke’s eyes look shifty.
‘That wasn’t the first time, was it? And not the last time either, I bet. Was that the reason you were so late back from work tonight?’
And she can see from his expression that she has hit the bull’s eye. His face goes bright red and she senses his body heat climbing several degrees.
‘You’re such a fucking repulsive creep,’ she says and her voice cracks. ‘How can you do this to Mom?’
The look in Nicke’s eye changes. He could be hesitating about something.
An orchestra starts playing on TV. Cheerful trumpets and trombones. Then Nicke makes a decision.
‘Whatever, it doesn’t matter. You can’t prove a thing. Why should Jannike believe you? She knows you’re capable of dreaming up any old crap to ruin what’s between us.’
‘We’ll see about that,’ Vanessa says.
And wishes that she had sounded more convincing. Stronger.
‘My advice to you is, forget what you saw,’ Nicke tells her. ‘If you don’t, you’ll be the one who gets it in the neck. In this family, you’ve used up any trust we’ve had in you. Got that? You little slut.’
He turns to leave, but stops in mid-step.
Mom is standing in the doorway, still and silent and pale. Her wide-open eyes have an empty look, as if all the life has seeped out of her.
‘Jannike—’
‘Oh, my God,’ Mom says. ‘I feel like such a fucking idiot.’
‘Jannike, please calm down. She’s just trying to ruin—’
‘I should’ve known,’ Mom whispers tonelessly, looking fixedly at the floor.
‘You can’t mean that you believe her?’
Nicke is speaking so loudly that the sound bounces off the walls.
Mom looks up at Nicke and there is determination in her eyes.
‘Get out!’
‘Fuck it … you can’t take her side!’ Nicke bellows.
In the room next door, Melvin wakes up and starts calling out.
Vanessa would like to go to him, but that would mean having to push past Mom and Nicke. She doesn’t dare to move an inch, hardly even to breathe.
‘How can you turn against me like this?’ Nicke shouts.
Melvin is crying loudly by now.
‘I am going to Melvin,’ Mom says evenly. ‘And when I come back out, I don’t want you to be in this apartment.’
‘Is that so? And exactly where do you think I should fuck off to?’
‘I’m sure you’ll find somewhere to sleep. Or does Paula have someone around to be unfaithful to as well? I’m right, you’re screwing Paula, aren’t you?’
Nicke is speechless.
Mom vanishes from the doorway and Vanessa hears her go into Melvin’s room, shush him and mumble soothingly.
Nicke glances at Vanessa and his eyes flash with anger.
‘You’ll regret this,’ he says and turns to go.
Vanessa stands still and takes in the picture of his retreating back. She stays there, listening, until the front door slams shut.
She knows very well that his leaving is far from a solution and that the next stage will mean that they have to share the care of Melvin and deal with every other kind of hellish new problem.
But, for now, everything feels so damn good.