Vanessa walks slowly up the school stairs.
Anna-Karin’s body is heavy in a way that has nothing to do with weight. It feels as if her blood doesn’t flow. As if her feet don’t lift clear off the ground when she walks.
She had thought it would be difficult to pretend to be Anna-Karin and mimic the way she moves, but being in her body is enough. It becomes automatic. Anna-Karin’s spine protests when Vanessa tries to walk with a straight back. Her shoulders won’t give up their hunched position. The natural shape of her neck is being bent forward.
So Vanessa pushes her hands into the pockets of her duffel coat and walks along, her hair dangling over her face, to find Anna-Karin’s locker.
She doesn’t look at anyone. And no one sees her. It’s as close to being invisible as Vanessa has ever been.
Ida is waiting for her at the row of lockers. She holds up a sheet of paper covered in writing.
‘Minoo has mailed me lists of everything,’ she says and points to something in the middle of the mass of text. ‘Look, it says here which books we should bring to the first lesson.’
Ida has Minoo’s face. Minoo’s voice. But no way Minoo’s presence.
A shout echoes in the corridor.
‘Nessa!’
Vanessa automatically turns around. She sees herself, then how Evelina puts her arm around that other Vanessa. Notes Linnéa’s alarmed look in her own eyes.
‘What have you done to your hair?’ Evelina shrieks and kisses her cheek.
Linnéa drags her fingers nervously through Vanessa’s hair that flops around her head, flat and lifeless.
‘I just didn’t have time this morning,’ Linnéa says.
And Vanessa wonders if her voice always sounds that squeaky.
How are they going to pull off an entire fucking school day? Not to speak of the trial, when they are subjected to the scrutiny of the Council?
Evelina and Linnéa wander off together down the corridor.
Vanessa wonders what kind of discoveries Linnéa has made about her body. She had a really bad time herself this morning in the shower. Had to shut her eyes in the end, because it felt far too intimate to handle Anna-Karin’s body like that.
Vanessa finds Anna-Karin’s books and locks up. She walks along the corridor and up the stairs, side by side with Ida. Neither of them says a word.
When they step into the classroom, it is only half-full. Vanessa and Ida look out over the empty seats and exchange a quick glance.
‘Did Minoo’s list say where she usually sits?’ Vanessa asks under her breath.
‘No,’ Ida replies. ‘But if Minoo has anything to do with it it’s got to be somewhere near the front.’
‘And Anna-Karin would go for a place near a wall, so she can sit squeezed up against it,’ Vanessa says.
There are only two free places that fit the bill and no one reacts when they settle down.
In the row of seats just behind theirs, Hanna A and Hanna H are whispering with their heads close together. At various points, Vanessa picks up names. Linnéa, Ida, Erik.
And, of course, Ida hears all this as well. She stares straight ahead and fingers the base of her throat, as if trying to touch her silver heart.
‘Good for Erik to get shot of that bitch,’ Kevin says when he and his crowd enter the classroom. ‘Everyone knows she’s frigid anyway.’
His friends laugh. Vanessa turns and sends Kevin a disgusted glance as he goes to sit down right at the back.
‘You got a problem? Just say,’ Kevin shouts.
‘I have nothing to say to you,’ Vanessa answers.
‘That’s dead right. Lezzies should just keep their traps shut.’
Vanessa turns to face forward again. The classroom is slowly filling up and she makes the mistake of meeting Viktor’s eyes as he walks in. She tells herself it might be her imagination, but he seems to be baffled for a moment. Instantly, Anna-Karin’s palms become moist.
Viktor’s dark blue eyes scrutinize her in a way that makes Vanessa so nervous she has to look down. Her hair falls over her face. She feels very much like Anna-Karin.
‘Right. Everyone settle down now, please,’ a typical teacher’s voice says.
Vanessa looks up cautiously. Over by the teacher’s desk, a woman with spectacles is pulling a bundle of copied sheets from her briefcase.
‘Today, I’ve got a surprise pretest for you on induction,’ she says and the students groan in unison.
‘You can’t test us on something we haven’t studied for,’ Kevin brays.
‘Oh, yes, I can,’ the teacher says and Vanessa thinks she sees a triumphant glint in her eyes. ‘That’s precisely why it’s called a pretest.’
One of the question papers is plonked on her desk and Vanessa checks out the first page.
She understands nothing of what is written on it. Absolutely nothing. She says a prayer under her breath, begging Anna-Karin to forgive her.
Ida finds a seat in the dining area and looks herself over for the first time that day.
Anna-Karin has managed to match Ida’s black skirt with that old bulky red sweater that makes her look such a fatso. But Ida hasn’t got the energy to care, not even a little.
She is far too conscious of the whispering in the dining area. Mostly about her, she knows.
She glances at the side room. Robin, Felicia, Julia and Kevin are there. But not Erik.
Please please please, let him stay at home today, she thinks.
Yesterday, she used Minoo’s computer to log into her account. Erik had not only ended their relationship, he had also de-friended her. Many others had followed his lead. That is, after they had posted foul comments about her on her wall. With plenty of relish. It seemed they had been wanting to say these things for ages but hadn’t dared until now.
And then, Anna-Karin phoned.
Ida simply listened. She couldn’t be sure that she would have acted differently. The mere thought of Erik fills her with greater terror than her old fear of the dark ever did.
She turns to the other Chosen Ones again. Drinks some water. Stares at the hand holding the glass. Her head goes into a spin every time she sees Minoo’s hands instead of her own.
‘I get a massive headache every time I try to figure out who’s who,’ Vanessa says.
No, she didn’t, Ida quickly reminds herself. Linnéa said it. Linnéa, inside Vanessa’s body.
‘Actually, it’s my head that hurts,’ Anna-Karin says and giggles.
Of course, it’s Vanessa who says it. Vanessa inside Anna-Karin’s body.
Minoo stares at Ida from behind Linnéa’s eyes.
‘It’s totally unreal. Like watching yourself in a movie.’
‘The most advanced 3D-film in the world, though. And then there’s this thing about being audience and actor at the same time,’ Anna-Karin points out. Or, rather, Vanessa does.
Ida reaches for her knife and fork, and then puts the cutlery down when she sees Minoo’s hands again. She won’t ever be able to cope with this.
‘Ida,’ Linnéa’s voice says and Ida looks her way.
And once more has to remind herself that it’s Minoo who’s talking.
‘I think we’ll have to try to see ourselves as the people we really are. Or we’ll go crazy.’
Ida looks around the circle, at each one in turn. It can be done, with an effort. Although they’re trying to play the right roles, all sorts of small mannerisms reveal who they are.
‘We need to talk about what’s happened since we last met,’ Minoo says. ‘Has anyone suspected anything?’
‘Your cat hissed at me when I came home yesterday,’ Vanessa says to Anna-Karin. ‘But I don’t think it’ll tell on me. And I hardly saw your mother. She was at home, but in her room almost all the time.’
‘Both Frasse and Melvin know that there’s something wrong about me,’ Linnéa says.
‘Poor little Melvin—’ Vanessa says, but Anna-Karin interrupts.
‘Erik!’ she whispers.
Ida’s fear is mirrored in her face.
Anna-Karin sees Erik walking towards her.
His face is bright red and an angry flare has spread upwards from the neckline of his sweater and reached his prominent Adam’s apple.
She has often been afraid of Erik, but only seen him watch her with cold calculation in his eyes or else with a glimpse of amused excitement. Tormenting her has been one of his hobbies. At times, it has even seemed to have turned into a kind of dull routine.
At the tables near theirs, all talk is dying down.
Erik squares up to Anna-Karin.
‘Ida, what’s your problem?’
By now the entire dining area is silent. Some people stand up to see better.
‘Why do you want to sit with this bunch of sad retards?’ Erik demands. ‘Like that filthy slut there. She’s been spreading rumors about me.’
Linnéa seems close to fainting. Vanessa reaches out across the table and takes her hand.
‘Answer me!’ Erik says.
Anna-Karin feels blocked. Her brain is unable to formulate a single thought. Let alone express it in spoken words.
‘This is your only chance,’ Erik says. ‘It’s all over if you don’t leave these losers now and come away with me. Get my drift? I’m not just saying it’s over between us. It’s all over for you.’
Anna-Karin looks at the real Ida inside Minoo’s body. Her eyes have grown huge and fearful. But she nods lightly at Anna-Karin.
Gives her permission.
Once, Anna-Karin made Erik pee his pants in front of the entire school. Now, she has no access to her magic.
But she has a new option. She can be Ida. And being Ida means being capable of saying whatever comes to mind.
‘Piss off, Piss-Erik,’ she says.
‘What the fuck did you say?’
His voice is so tense with fury that Anna-Karin’s instinctive response is to run away. She suppresses it.
‘You heard me,’ she says. ‘Surely you haven’t forgotten how you peed yourself when the whole school was watching?’
‘You have so lost it. You’ve gone insane,’ Erik says, turning an even deeper shade of red.
‘Not any more,’ Anna-Karin says. ‘It was being with you that screwed my mind up. You’re a psychopath. People like you ought to be locked up.’
‘If you believe that Julia or Felicia or anyone else will hang out with you ever again, you’re making such a fucking big mistake,’ Erik says. ‘No one will want to have anything to do with you now.’
‘What makes you think she cares?’ Ida says.
Erik swings around to face her.
‘Who the fuck are you? And who’s asked for your fucking opinion about anything?’
‘She doesn’t even love you,’ Ida continues. ‘She never has.’
‘So true,’ Anna-Karin says and Erik turns back to her. ‘You know why, don’t you? You’re utterly unlovable. There just isn’t anything to like about you. Not when you know who you are.’
Erik’s hands clench into fists and Anna-Karin is certain that he wants to hit her.
‘Go ahead,’ she says. ‘Just show everybody who you really are.’
Erik’s hands unclench.
‘You’ve made your choice, Ida. Now live with it. Best of luck, you’ll need it.’
He walks away. Around them, the talk immediately starts up again.
Anna-Karin looks at Ida.
‘I couldn’t have said it better myself,’ Ida mutters.