Often, I’d catch myself behaving stupidly in public. I’d have my head tilted in an idiotic way, my stomach sticking out. Or I’d try to be biting and witty, and stammer instead.
always fumbling / always fretting / behind on projects / behind on thank-yous / could not follow / could not lead / could not talk / could not crawl / could not sweep properly / could not keep a secret / could not dance well / could not chew well / did not write as many letters / did not place as many calls / did not stay awake long enough / did not work hard enough / did not understand quickly enough / did not wash enough / did not cut short enough / ever misreading / ever tripping / faked prayers / faked sleep / faked listening / faked talent / faked competence / faked health / going the wrong or inefficient way / going back to fix because failed the first time / had secretly stained / had been unable to leave alone / had lied / had misrepresented / had not trusted / had not been brave / had not been faithful / had nothing to climb up on / had nothing to fall off of / invariably insincere / invariably contrived / just about but not quite / just forgot the one monolithic thing / kept his secret / kept in contact / lacking the attention span / lacking the ambition / lacking the empathy / made excuses / marked absence with indolence / marked every occasion with overindulgence / not enough food for the guests / no longer working / no longer as flexible / never not eaten by worry / never not eaten by distrust / opening the wrong door / offering the wrong type of comfort / prepared a bad meal / prepared stupidly and at length for an imaginary meeting / quiet when others needed chatter to soothe them / quiet in the face of another’s agony / quiet in the presence of great cruelty / racing away from desire / racing away from fruitful temporary discomfort / said yes then didn’t do it / said no and then did / taught the wrong lessons / undid the careful work of others / vicious responses to gentle corrections / vicious responses to gracious rejections / wanting protection wanting loyalty while offering it to nobody / X in the inappropriate boxes / yearning of the wrong type / yearning for the stupid the vain / zealous only in performative self-abasement / actually unable to forgive self or others / actually far more frightened than is feasible practical possible to admit