Since stumbling to the edge of her bed several minutes ago, Teagan hadn’t moved. She didn’t feel capable. She didn’t even feel human.

Her body was rigid, but inside everything thrummed as if in the aftermath of a shock, loud in her ears. Mouth partly open, she stared at the wall, her senses focused inwards, listening for the dark slick, that first sweep of drowning, endless night. It didn’t arrive. Instead her mind continued empty, as if it had detached itself and floated away.

Lucas stood at the bedroom door, saying nothing. Teagan supposed there wasn’t much to say. Apart from censure. And Ness had done a good job of that already.

‘Teagan?’

The concern in Lucas’s voice snapped her back to reality. She buried her face in her palms, the heat in her cheeks like a fire. She’d hated herself plenty of times before but nothing quite like this. Cruelty to one’s self was one thing, but cruelty to others, especially someone as defenceless and ill as her mother, was quite another.

He stepped into the room.

‘I’m okay.’ She glanced around, working out what to pack. All of it, she supposed. Ness hadn’t said she wanted her out in so many words but it seemed clear. She wasn’t welcome at Falls Farm.

She had little to pack anyway. She’d left Pinehaven with only half the ute tray loaded. Other than the white bikini and a few other treats from Ness, her clothing and other possessions remained the same. ‘I’ll just grab a few things. You go . . .’ She swallowed at the words. They had a prophetic feel. After what she’d done she wouldn’t blame Lucas for not wanting anything to do with her. ‘Check on Ness and Mum,’ she finally mumbled.

For a heartbeat she held a faint hope that Lucas might come to her and comfort her in his steady hold. The steps remained unwalked, the embrace ungiven. With his hands fisted in his pockets, he turned away. She was left staring at the doorway, her heart hollow of everything but shame.

She didn’t even feel love anymore.

It took her less than fifteen minutes to pack her bags. She kept her mouth closed hard against the ache in her throat. The onslaught of tears was only a sob away. She had to keep them at bay or they’d never stop.

Lucas frowned as his eyes swept the emptied bedroom and Teagan’s heart plummeted further.

‘It won’t be . . .’ Permanent is what she wanted to say.

‘It’s all right,’ he said, bending for the bags. ‘I’ll take these to the car. Vanessa’s in the kitchen.’

She didn’t know if it was a suggestion she talk to her aunt or if Ness had requested to see her. It didn’t matter. Teagan needed to apologise anyway. Again. There could never be enough sorries.

Ness was chopping onions with aggressive, hacking strokes, her eyes watery and red from the fumes. Or tears of fury. Teagan couldn’t tell. She suspected both.

She stood on the other side of the bench. Ness didn’t look up. Her grip on the knife was fierce, the skin over her knuckles stretched and white. She was clearly trying to hold her temper.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Teagan. ‘I don’t know what came over me.’

Ness put the knife down, placed her hands on either side of the chopping board and bowed over it with her head down. She regarded the board for a long moment. ‘You may not but I do. And it’s beyond time you saw a doctor about it.’

The tears Teagan was holding in threatened to burst. So many times over the last year Em had said those same words, but Teagan had resisted. She had a solid idea what the doctor would say, and it terrified her.

‘I’m getting better.’ And that was the truth. The Falls, Ness, Lucas, were all helping. She’d had entire days where she felt normal.

‘So you acknowledge there’s something wrong?’

Teagan looked away. She didn’t want to talk about this. She could barely talk about it with her best friend. She wasn’t going to share this with her aunt. And she was getting better. So much better. It was just that sometimes the pain inside became too huge to control.

Vanessa’s face softened. ‘Teagan, being depressed is nothing to be ashamed of.’

‘I’m not depressed.’

‘No?’

‘I’m not.’

Ness came from around the bench, wiping her hands on a tea towel. She stopped in front of Teagan and placed her hands on her shoulders. ‘I want you to listen to me. Just for a minute.’

Teagan licked her lips and nodded warily.

‘The Wellness Centre has counsellors you can talk to.’ She held up a finger. ‘No, don’t. Hear me out.’ Despite Teagan’s set jaw and mutinous expression she kept going. ‘I’m serious. A counsellor, Teagan. Not a naturopath or any of the other therapists you think so poorly of. A trained clinical psychologist with experience in dealing with people with your issues.’

‘I don’t have issues.’

Ness cocked an eyebrow.

‘I’m getting better.’ If she said it enough it would happen. ‘Lucas makes me laugh.’

‘I’ve no doubt about that but it’s not enough.’

‘It is.’ It would have to be because Teagan sure as hell wasn’t going to the Wellness Centre.

Ness sighed and let her go. ‘I can’t help you if you refuse to help yourself.’

‘I’m doing okay.’

‘Really? Then why is your mother in her room with her heart breaking because her own daughter not only thinks she’s weak and gullible, but blames her for losing a farm that was never hers in the first place?’

‘I put my soul into Pinehaven. And money.’

But Ness had lost all sympathy. ‘Then who’s the weak one, Teagan?’

She needed to leave. This was hurting too much. She looked towards the door. Lucas was hovering with the last of her bags, his expression crumpled with worry.

Vanessa saw the bags and pursed her lips. ‘You’re moving out?’

‘Yes.’

‘I didn’t mean for you to do that.’ She sighed wearily. ‘Although perhaps it’s for the best. Goodness knows my efforts haven’t worked. Maybe Lucas will have more luck with you.’ Ness’s tone made it sound as if Teagan was a hopeless cause. Maybe she was.

She swallowed and glanced towards the back of the house. ‘I’ll say goodbye to Mum.’

‘No. You’ve done enough damage for one day. Your mother needs rest. Save your apology for another day, when you’ve come to mean it.’

Teagan’s legs felt like concrete blocks as she walked to the door. She turned back, hoping to wave to Ness, but her aunt had returned to her onions. Teagan stood staring in defeat until a strong arm circled her shoulders and guided her outside.

‘Are you right to drive?’

She sniffed and nodded. ‘Fine.’

Lucas peered at her. ‘You sure?’

‘Yes.’ Using the bottom of her shirt, she wiped her cheeks and sniffed again. ‘I’ll be fine.’

The keys were dangling in the old ute’s ignition. She stared at them. A turn. A release of brake. A press on the accelerator. Normal things she did every day. Only today she didn’t want to. It felt too final.

She glanced through the ute’s side window. Lucas was already in his car. He was staring at her, a frown creasing his brow, waiting for her to reverse away from the fence.

He lifted a hand off the steering wheel as if to say, well?

With a last regretful look at the house, Teagan started the car.

Lucas spent the journey to Astonville fretting over Teagan. The way she’d sat on her bed, facing the wall with a thousand-mile stare, her fingers making scary jerky movements like a suddenly severed robot’s hand. Her face was so vacant and elsewhere, even the memory frightened the fuck out of him.

He’d caught snippets of her conversation with Vanessa, the mention of the centre setting his ears on alert. That Teagan had serious problems wasn’t a surprise. He’d begun to figure that out himself. But what had got Lucas in the guts was the way she’d said his name. The hope in her voice when she said he made her laugh. That he was enough.

He had to keep making sure he was.

She was silent as they carried her things to the house. When she hesitated in the hall, he stepped past and placed the first of her bags in the spare room. She stood staring, unable to look at him, her mouth jammed closed and her eyelids spread unnaturally wide as though her life depended on keeping them open.

He hadn’t meant it to mean anything. The house was old, the rooms small. There was simply no room in his bedroom for all her stuff.

He touched her cheek. ‘It’s okay. This is just until I can clean out some cupboard space for you.’

She nodded but the stare remained.

On his return from fetching the rest of her belongings he found Teagan sitting on the edge of the bed looking at her hands.

‘Can I get you anything?’

She shook her head.

‘Why don’t you have a lie-down in my room. I have things I want to do in the shed anyway.’

‘Okay.’ She didn’t look up.

He followed her slow tread to the master bedroom, wishing he knew what to do, what to say. Right now leaving her to rest seemed the best option. With dull movements she removed her shoes and sat, not once meeting his gaze. ‘Help yourself to anything you need.’

‘Thank you.’

Lucas hesitated, unsure. Finally, when Teagan curled onto her side and tucked her hands under her cheek, he left.

The shed provided no solace. Lucas was too distracted to craft anything. He looked at his main furnace. With all the time he’d been spending at Nick’s and Falls Farm it felt like he hadn’t fired it up in weeks. Ever since Teagan’s arrival his life had changed, and now it was changing again. She would be living under his roof, and not because last night had turned friendship and want into something special. But because he’d taken in another exile.

Only this time he wasn’t dealing with a knuckle-headed ram. This time his guest was all too human, and judging from the conversation he’d overheard, very, very fragile. A kick in the arse wasn’t going to work.

He walked outside to where Merlin was grazing. At his approach the ram looked up and bleated throatily before resuming his graze. Lucas rested on the gate and watched him for a while. Then he pulled his mobile from his pocket and searched for the number he never thought he’d dial.

The call was answered on the third ring.

‘Lucas. Everything okay? I wanted to stay but Vanessa insisted I leave.’

‘Teagan’s with me, at Astonville.’

‘Ah. Look, I’m sorry for what happened between us. I should’ve held my temper.’

Lucas reached down to pick at a runner of kikuyu that was worming its way up the strainer post. ‘Vanessa says she’s depressed.’

‘Yes, it’s been worrying her since Teagan arrived.’

‘Is she?’

‘It’s possible, but without a clinical diagnosis we can’t know for certain. Is that what you’re calling about? Getting her to see someone?’

‘No. I mean, I’ll try, but from the way she spoke to Vanessa I don’t think that’s going to happen. My worry is how to handle her.’ He stared back at the house. ‘She matters. A lot. I don’t want to fuck this up.’

‘You love her.’

‘Yeah.’ Although right now he was scared shitless over what that might mean.

Several beats passed before Dom spoke again. ‘I can arrange a counsellor, for you or Teagan.’

He gave a sad half-laugh. ‘I think she needs it more than me.’

‘I couldn’t agree more. I’ll talk to Meredith. She’s our senior psychologist, and very experienced. She’ll have some ideas. But we still have you to worry about. This isn’t easy.’

‘I just need a mate.’

‘Then I’m here.’ Dom paused. ‘Like I always wanted to be.’

Lucas hung up and leaned back on the fence. He wasn’t sure about what he’d just done but he had no one else to turn to. Dunks had his own problems with Bunny and his ex. Vanessa was too close to it all, which left Dom. His father.

His father.

Somehow, those words gave him a weird sense of safety.

Lucas was going through paperwork at the kitchen table when Teagan walked in. He’d checked on his return to the house and found her curled up in the foetal position, her cheeks pale and tear-stained. He’d spent a long time studying her, his heart aching for her. He badly wanted to help. But he didn’t know how.

She pulled out a chair and sat down, her hands cupped in her lap and her head bowed. Lucas wished she’d smile, just a little.

‘Can I get you anything? Cuppa? Something to eat?’

She shook her head.

He glanced at the invoice he was holding and put it down. ‘Do you want to talk?’

‘Not really.’

At a loss, he picked up the invoice once more. Perhaps he would need to talk to Dom’s counsellor. In the face of her distress every word seemed wrong.

‘I’ve been thinking,’ Teagan said after a while. ‘I think maybe I should go back to Levenham. I have friends there. Astra – my horse – she’s there.’ She bit her lip and stared towards the window, wincing a little. ‘I’ve made too much of a mess of things here to stay. I should never have come in the first place. I should’ve had the guts to stick it out instead of running away.’

The thought of her leaving made his heart constrict. She couldn’t go. She couldn’t. ‘What about us?’

Her hollow gaze slid to his. She smiled sadly and shook her head in dismissal.

Anger flared inside him. ‘So last night and this morning meant nothing then, did it?’

‘You know as well as I do it would never have lasted.’

‘Don’t tell me what I do or don’t know.’ He thrust out of his chair and began to pace. Jesus. What the fuck had he done to make her think that? They’d been amazing together. Funny, sexy, happy.

In love.

‘You deserve someone better than me.’

He scraped his hand through his hair and forced himself to override the panic building inside. Losing it wouldn’t help. ‘No, I don’t.’

She stared at him in disbelief.

‘Okay, what happened between you and your mum was shitty, and I know everyone was upset, but that doesn’t mean you can just bugger off back south because you think you’ve screwed things up too much here.’

‘Ness and Mum are better off without me.’

‘And me? Don’t I matter?’

She stared back at her hands. ‘You matter more than anything.’

‘Then stay.’

She bit her lip. A tear escaped and trailed her cheek. She swiped at it angrily. ‘Why? When I’ll only disappoint you and everyone else again?’

‘You didn’t disappoint me. You just, I don’t know, lost your temper because you were scared. Said something you didn’t mean. It can be fixed.’

Her mouth twisted. ‘I’m not sure that it can.’

He closed his eyes, wishing she’d stop frightening him. ‘I don’t want you to go. I want you to stay. I want you to start laughing again, like you did that day with Vanessa and your mum. Like you did only a few hours ago, with me. I like that person.’ He swallowed, tossing over whether to reveal what lurked in his heart, and decided he needed to hold onto it a bit longer. ‘I like that person a lot.’

‘I can’t be that all the time.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because.’ She dug her teeth into the side of her lip. ‘Because I don’t know how.’

He breathed out, his panic easing. She was starting to have second thoughts. ‘Then let me help.’ He smiled. ‘I managed okay earlier.’

‘That was different.’

He moved to crouch in front of her. He took her hands, surprised to find them cold, and cradled them in his big warm ones. He looked up, and his heart lurched at the longing in her gaze. ‘Do something for me?’

‘What?’

‘Trust me.’

Another tear fell. God, she was gorgeous. Even pale and tear-streaked, her skin had a luminous tone. But it was how she looked at him that did him in.

Like he could be her saviour.

‘Please?’

Finally, she nodded.