THE COMPLETELY TRUE ORIGINS OF OCTO-HORSE PIRATE

Born as a foal on the first full moon in the year of the Exploding Rubber Pineapple, raised by a family of superintelligent beavers, nourished on the sap of the deadly purple cactus, this promising young hero first made a name for himself when, as a member of a trapeze group known as the Flying Equestrians, he rescued twenty-three audience members from a burning circus tent. His career nearly came to an early end, however, when a stunt involving a windmill, a humpback whale, and a giant slingshot went tragically wrong.

To treat the foal’s grievous wounds, a doctor used an experimental serum made from an extract of octopus venom. The serum cured him, but as a side effect it caused eight tentacles to grow where his legs used to be. Deciding to put circus life behind him, he went in search of a greater meaning for his life. The search only took five minutes because he was right around the corner from a quest academy. The instructors promised to train him in the ancient fighting arts, teach him to commune with nature, and instill within him a respect for all life.

That sounded like way too much work, so instead he renamed himself Octo-Horse Pirate and became a bandit of the high seas.