Chapter Twelve

‘YOU’RE TIRED,’ SAID Mum, with worry in her eyes, as we made our way towards Dr Wong’s office.

‘I didn’t sleep too well.’

Mum stopped walking. ‘Are you sick?’

I didn’t want to tell her that I couldn’t get Katie Marks out of my head. ‘No, I’m fine.’

As Mum and I entered Dr Wong’s waiting room, Mr and Mrs Thompson were on their way out. Mr Thompson was a bit younger than Mum, and he was also on the heart transplant list, but this was his third year.

‘The boys aren’t here today?’ asked Mum, turning to the toy corner where they’d usually sit to play.

‘Kindergarten,’ said Mr Thompson. ‘You’re looking good, Kim.’

‘So are you,’ said Mum, which was a huge lie because his face was sunken, and black shadows circled his blue eyes.

Janice popped her head around the corner. ‘Steph, I’m free if you want to see me early?’

‘I’ll be all right, you go,’ said Mum, picking up a magazine.

Janice opened her door and I walked in. ‘You’ve lost a bit of weight, Steph,’ she said, sounding like a recording of Libby.

‘If you like, I’ll invite you over for dinner to taste Dad’s cooking.’

Janice laughed. ‘That bad?’

‘Worse than bad.’

Janice reached up and swept her fake blonde fringe away from her eyes. ‘Is your mum well?’

‘She sleeps a lot,’ I informed her.

‘How have you been?’

I decided to cut through the pleasantries. ‘There’s a huge chance that Mum might not get a heart transplant, isn’t there?’

My eyes locked on Janice’s, making it difficult for her to turn away. ‘Why do you ask?’ Her hand gestured to the chair opposite.

I chose to stay standing. ‘Stats on the organ donor website say there are more recipients than donors.’

‘Focusing on the negative doesn’t help. You need to stay positive, if not for yourself, for your mother.’

I held my head in my hands to stop my brain from exploding. ‘But what if Mum’s one of the unlucky ones?’ I said, and started pacing.

‘I’d love nothing more than to tell you that your mother will receive a heart transplant and that everything is going to work out, but it’s just not possible.’

‘That’s not good enough,’ I snapped, and realised that our sessions were wasting her time and mine. If my mum was going to live, I needed to take control. I made my way to the door.

Janice stood. ‘Steph, wait, we still have time.’

I stopped and narrowed my eyes. ‘Don’t you mean we’re running out of time? I won’t stand by and watch my mum slowly die. I know it’s not your fault, but it’s not fair. It’s just too hard.’

I stood in the corridor with my back against the wall. My chest tightened with the sound of the lift door opening. I hurried in and pressed the button for the ICU. When the door closed, I stared into the mirrored wall. ‘It’s up to you, Stephanie Conner,’ I told my reflection.

I stepped out of the lift and stood outside the doors of the ICU. Unlike other wards in the hospital, you needed to push a button to gain entry, which meant I had to wait for a visitor to arrive or leave if I wanted to go in unnoticed. I held my phone and started pacing, knowing that if I was recognised, my chance of helping my mum would be over. The lift bell sounded, a couple of young doctors strolled out, chatting, and when one made eye contact with me, I freaked. I put the phone to my ear, pretending to be in conversation, and started walking. ‘Yes, they said that Dad should be home later today.’ I nodded. ‘That’s right.’ I checked over my shoulder to see that the doctors were gone.

Soon after, the lift bell sounded again. I moved aside to let a small group of people out and walked behind them, unnoticed. My pulse raced as I waited for them to gain entry, and when the doors flung open, I followed them into the room. Taking a deep breath of hope, I went in search of Katie, with no way of knowing if I was too late.

Like before, the machines flashed and beeped, and the doctors and nurses rushed back and forth.

I recognised one of the doctors standing at the end of an old guy’s bed, filling out a chart. The doctor had been in the ICU when Mum was last admitted. I lowered my head and kept walking. A big part of me knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I kept telling myself that I needed to do this to save Mum. I just needed time with Katie’s parents to explain how sick my mum was, and hopefully, they’d understand and help her live.

A nurse brushed past and quickly backtracked. ‘Can I help you?’ she asked.

I panicked. ‘Katie Marks.’

‘Are you family?’ My brain froze. ‘Family?’ she repeated.

‘Yes. Yes, I am,’ I croaked.

Her face changed from serious to sincere. ‘I’m sorry.’ She pointed me in the direction of the glass cubicle ahead. My legs started to shake.

‘Thanks,’ I said, willing my feet to keep on walking.

An old woman and man sat in chairs and others were gathered around a bed. A vein in my neck started pulsating. I put my hand on my neck, willing it to stop.

I couldn’t see Katie beyond the gathering of people, but I could see a woman, who I assumed was her mother, sitting on the bedside, reaching forward. A man was standing, rubbing the back of her light-blue cardigan.

The sound of a nurse’s tray hitting the floor drew the man’s attention to me. Our eyes met, pulling me into his sadness, and I realised that I was nothing more than an intruder, and what I was doing was selfish and wrong. I backed away from the glass, bolting in the direction in which I had arrived. The urgency of getting out of there made my breathing erratic.

‘Are you all right, love?’ a nurse called, but I didn’t stop. Outside the doors of the ICU, I stood with my hand on the wall, head down, hyperventilating, holding back the need to vomit.

The doors opened and the man, whom I assumed was Katie’s father, came out into the corridor. I gulped air like a fish out of water and started walking in the opposite direction. ‘Excuse me,’ I heard him call, and froze. Taking a deep breath, I slowly faced him, ready to apologise.

He walked up to me. ‘Did you know Katie?’ he asked.

Short of telling the truth, I couldn’t see a way out. I put my hand out between us. ‘I’m sorry for intruding on your family. It was insensitive of me.’

‘No, please,’ he insisted, ‘Katie would like to have a friend say goodbye. Please come.’ He reached out for my hand, giving me no choice but to take it.

Katie’s father led me across the room to the woman in the cardigan sitting on the edge of the bed. She smiled up at me, but her eyes swam with tears. She stood up and backed away from Katie, making room for me. The two older people moved aside as I inched my way closer.

Every second that followed was surreal. Katie was no older than me. She had bruises on her pale face, and a white band was wrapped neatly around her small head. Her long black hair was held back with a length of pale pink ribbon that swept over the band and tied in a neat bow on top of her head. I was captivated by her youthful beauty, too afraid to talk, and fearful that her eyes would open and I’d be caught out. When I put my hand on Katie’s, a comforting hand squeezed my shoulder. I glanced up to see Katie’s mother nodding as if giving me the approval to say goodbye. And to my surprise, I did.

‘Katie, you’re not alone,’ I whispered, thinking of Michael. I realised how hard this was for her family. Seeing their pain was my punishment for intruding.

As I faced Katie’s parents, my throat ached with sadness. ‘Thank you,’ I said, ‘for sharing Katie’s last moments with me, and I sincerely apologise for my intrusion. She’ll be missed by all of her friends.’ Finally, I’d said something that wasn’t a big fat lie. I turned and made my way towards the doors, and once outside I went fleeing back to Mum.

‘How did your meeting go with Janice?’ asked Mum.

I sensed by her voice that they hadn’t spoken since I took off from Janice’s office. ‘I don’t think that my time with Janice is worth cutting classes for.’

Mum flagged a taxi. ‘We’ll discuss it further after school.’

‘There’s nothing to discuss.’

‘Would you tell me if Janice said something that upset you?’

‘She didn’t upset me. We just go over the same old stuff.’

Before I exited the taxi in front of the school gate, I reached across the seat and hugged Mum. ‘Have a good day.’

She hugged me back. ‘You too.’

It was a relief to arrive at school knowing that lunch was over. As I made my way to class, I promised myself that I wouldn’t share what I had done, and mentally crossed my heart.

The last period dragged on like a bad date. I stretched my legs out as far as I could, but it didn’t stop them from aching. I pushed away from my desk to be excused when a well-groomed prefect knocked on the open door, and walked over to our teacher, Miss Scully. The two exchanged a few words, nothing audible. Miss Scully left her desk and headed in my direction. I glanced over my shoulder to the row behind to see that they were looking at me.

‘Stephanie,’ said Miss Scully, ‘you can pack up for the day. Bring your bag and meet me outside, please.’

I could see Katie’s family gathered around her bed, playing like a movie in my head: the tubes in her mouth, the sounds of her breathing apparatus, the leads, the flashing lights. Someone had seen me; I was being brought to account. I deserved to be punished.

‘Yes, Miss Scully,’ I said, and she started taking things from the top of my desk, handing them to me to place in my backpack. When I slipped my arms through the straps everything was heavy – not the pack, but the air, my feet, and my guilt.

As I made my way towards the door, the classroom went quiet, and their focus was on me.

‘You’re needed in the principal’s office,’ whispered Miss Scully.

The prefect took long strides across the path and, like a small child, I had to run to keep up.

We were halfway across the school grounds when I spotted Grandad’s Bentley in the visitor’s parking area. From that moment on my world moved in slow motion.

‘Wait here,’ the prefect ordered, stopping short of Principal Cooke’s door. When the door opened, I could see Aunt Cass sitting on one of two chairs opposite the principal’s desk.

‘You can go in,’ the prefect informed me, but I couldn’t move.

‘Why is my aunt here?’ I asked, willing my body to stop shaking.

‘Stephanie, it’s all good,’ she said, taking my hand, guiding me into the office like a blind girl.

I stood in front of Aunt Cass and tried to swallow, but my mouth was too dry. ‘They have a donor,’ she said. I freed my hand and fell into her arms.