Chapter Nineteen

JAKE WAS PULLING a motor apart when I entered the boatshed. He took a rag from his back pocket and wiped his hands. He grinned. ‘Did you tread on a stingray barb?’

‘What makes you ask that?’

‘You’re energised.’

‘Yeah, I guess I am. Have you got a minute?’

‘Sure. Dad and old Harry are delivering a boat. Do you want a coffee?’

‘Sounds great.’

‘Good, coffee it is. Let’s go up to the main house,’ he said, placing the rag back in his pocket.

I followed Jake up the stairs beside the boathouse to the main house. He led me into the kitchen. The smells were unfamiliar. ‘We don’t get much time for housework,’ he explained, shooing a large ginger cat off the kitchen bench that was covered with dirty plates, cups and pots.

‘Nothing has changed,’ I said, glancing around, but that was a lie because the house was missing his mother’s touches. There were no flowers in a vase, no incense sticks burning on the windowsill, no basket of fresh washing on the lounge waiting to be folded, and no fresh coffee sitting in the plunger waiting to be poured. I walked to the glass sliding doors and looked out across the water. ‘We can sit out there,’ he said, his eyes pointing me in the direction of the table. ‘I’ll bring the coffee out.’

I stood on the deck with my face to the sun, taking in the salty smell of the sea.

Jake walked out, balancing the coffee mugs on top of a biscuit tin that was like the one that held my clippings.

‘Richard made a trip out to Palmy.’

Jake raised his eyebrows. ‘And …?’

‘Yeah, we talked, we’re good. He’s coming for the weekend with our friends. Their plan is to workshop an organ donor website for teens to help create awareness.’

‘Sounds heavy.’

‘Yeah, I suppose it does.’

‘But worthwhile,’ he added. ‘How can I help?’

‘We need a space. Do you think your dad would let us use the boatshed on the weekend?’

‘Can’t see why not,’ he said, without hesitation.

‘You don’t think your dad would mind?’

‘Hell, no. There’s a whiteboard I can clean up. I’ll clear the old workbench, get some chairs. How many will you need?’

‘Eight. That is, if you want to be involved?’

‘Yeah, I do.’

‘Libby’s coming too,’ I added.

He grinned. ‘Excellent.’

‘Aunt Cass has room for Libby and Willow to stay over, but the boys will head home. It’s too cold to camp out.’

‘They don’t have to do that. There’s a spare bunk room here. We use it for storing stuff, but don’t worry, I’ll tidy it up. Hey, remember that old coin we found in the rock pool?’

‘The Spanish coin with the head on one side and the ship on the other?’

‘Yeah. I found it the other day. Wait here, I’ll get it.’

Jake came back with the coin resting on his thumb. ‘Heads it’s yours, tails it’s mine,’ he called, flipping the coin high. It landed, bounced and disappeared between a crack in the timber decking. His oil-stained hands gripped the handrail to swing over, but released it when he spotted a boat coming around the headland. ‘We’d better get back. That’s the old man. What day on the weekend?’

‘Saturday, mid-morning, if that’s okay?’

‘I’ll have everything ready.’ I leaned forward and planted a kiss on his cheek.

‘What was that for?’

‘For never changing.’

‘Wow!’ Dad said, watching me make the sandwiches. ‘You won’t starve. Let’s have an easy dinner, a barbecue?’

‘Thanks for mentioning that. The boys are staying for dinner; they’re spending the night at Jake’s. We’ll need lots of sausages, bread, some salad stuff, maybe eggs, and breakfast cereal. Maybe some soft drink?’

Dad rolled his eyes. ‘Do I have time to get a bank loan before they arrive?’

‘You said that I could invite my friends.’ I reached out and hugged him. ‘Thanks, Dad. Oh, and can we have some chips and maybe some biscuits?’

‘Do we need party hats?’

‘Very funny. Where does Aunt Cass keep the esky?’

‘In the garage.’ I started walking. ‘There’s a cupboard, it’s on the bottom shelf.’

Beside the esky was a fancy cardboard box, marked Photographs. I sat on the esky, placed the box on my lap and took off the lid. It was full to the brim with photographs of Grandad, Gran, Aunt Cass, Mum and a dog that I never knew they had. I placed the lid back, took the box and went in search of Mum.

We sat around the dining table listening to Aunt Cass’s commentary. ‘Kim, check out our hair. I can’t believe that we left the house looking like that!’ Aunt Cass’s hair was the same now as it was back then. I struggled not to laugh, but Mum couldn’t hold back. Her laugher took to the sky.

I held up a photograph of the dog being bathed. ‘What was the dog’s name?’ I asked.

‘Pepper,’ said Aunt Cass. ‘He was allergic to something in the garden. He never stopped sneezing, did he, Kim?’ We turned to Mum. Her face was pale. ‘Kim, are you, all right?

‘I think I might take a nap,’ said Mum, leaving her chair slowly. My eyes locked on Aunt Cass’s.

‘Here,’ I’ll come with you,’ Aunt Cass offered.

‘Stay with Steph. Show her the photograph of your first boyfriend, the one with you on the back of his little red Australia Post motorbike. You’ll love it, Steph.’

It was mid-morning, and Dad wasn’t home yet from shopping. I started pacing. ‘Do you have to do that?’ asked Aunt Cass. ‘It’s becoming annoying.’

‘How come Dad’s not home? Do you think he’s had an accident? He’s not a good driver.’

‘Your father is an excellent driver.’

I shook my head. ‘He’s not, you know.’

Everyone had arrived and congregated around the frangipani tree. I walked outside and took Libby and Willow aside. ‘I don’t want to leave my mum till Dad arrives home. You go ahead. I’ll meet you at the boatshed. Libby, introduce everyone to Jake.’ She nodded.

‘Leave it up to us,’ said Willow.

Just then I heard Dad’s Jeep pulling into the driveway. ‘I have to see my dad,’ I explained, and started running.

Dad turned off the ignition. ‘The prices here are ridiculous.’ I didn’t care. My focus was on Mum.

‘Dad,’ I said as his door opened, ‘I think you should check on Mum. She’s in bed.’

Dad handed me a bulging butcher’s bag and made for the house. ‘Put the bag in the fridge, Steph,’ he called.

‘Steph,’ said Aunt Cass moving my finger away from my mouth. ‘Your nail is bleeding. Wait here, I’ll get a bandaid.’

I could hear Dad on the phone, and moved in closer to listen. ‘I’d appreciate that, thank you,’ he said and hung up.

I sat back at the table waiting for Aunt Cass to return. Dad walked in.

‘How is Mum?’

Dad pulled out a chair. ‘She’s resting. I’ve asked Aunt Cass’s doctor to pop in.’ His words made my body relax.

Aunt Cass went to put the bandaid on my nail, but Dad reached out and took it from her.

‘We’re at Jake’s dad’s boatshed. Call if you want me,’ I said, checking my phone with my free hand, ‘or I can stay.’

‘Go,’ he said, releasing my hand, ‘have fun.’

I went to walk out the kitchen back door but stopped. ‘Hey, Dad, call me once the doctor’s seen Mum, okay?’

‘Stop worrying.’

‘Will you call? Maybe I should wait …’ I said, about to close the door.

‘Yes, I’ll call, now go.’

‘Where are they up to?’ I asked Libby, who was flirting with Jake when I walked into the boatshed.

‘They’re mapping out the registration page,’ she said, pointing to Richard and Kevin at the bench on computers. Richard glanced up, gave me a wink and went back to work. ‘Willow’s creating a design for the question cards. Paul’s scrolling through websites for possible links. Kevin bought the URL, livingvoice.com.au, and it’s all moving forward, I guess.’ Libby reached out and touched the bridge of my nose.

‘You’re worried?’

I took a deep breath. ‘Is it that obvious?’

‘Your worry wrinkle gives you away,’ she said.

I moved her hand away from my face. ‘You’re worse than Dad.’

Willow handed me a board with colour samples. ‘I thought something like this, but Grant thinks it’s like, too much. He was thinking bland, but that won’t get teens’ attention.’

‘I agree, keep it bold.’ I reached for her paintbrush and dabbed it into the purple that Willow had mixed on her palette, making it bolder, and held it up to show her. ‘What do you think?’

‘I think it’s perfect,’ she said, taking the brush.

The activity around me was making me dizzy.

‘Hey, Steph, let’s take a walk, get some fresh air,’ Libby suggested.

We were halfway along the beach when Aunt Cass came striding towards us. I knew something was wrong. We ran to meet her. ‘It’s Mum, isn’t it?’

‘Steph, your father decided to call the ambulance. I think you should come,’ she said, putting out her hand to take mine, and I saw that hers was shaking.

‘You go back to the others,’ I told Libby.

I arrived at the house to find a paramedic working on Mum. ‘Dad?’

‘They’re taking your mum straight to St Vincent’s.’ His voice was flat. ‘Doctor Wong has put in an urgent request for a heart.’

‘And what if there isn’t one? What then?’

‘We have to pray that there is.’

Aunt Cass took long strides as she gripped my hand, pulling me along. ‘Stop,’ I called, catching my breath.

‘Do you want to sit?’ she asked, her eyes searching for a seat in the hospital foyer. Janice arrived, and I hurried over to meet her.

Unlike the first time she met us in the foyer, I wasn’t as certain that she was there to tell us that they had found a donor. I waited for Aunt Cass to catch up. Her eyes locked on Janice.

‘Where’s Glenn?’ asked Aunt Cass, and I heard the panic in her voice.

‘Please, come,’ said Janice, ‘and I’ll explain.’

‘Explain? Explain what?’ I asked, as Aunt Cass bustled me along.

We arrived at Janice’s office to find Dad sitting on the lounge with his face in his hands. When Dad released his face, I saw that his eyes were red from crying. I turned to Aunt Cass to see that she was struggling to keep it together. Dad reached out and took my hand.

‘Dad?’

‘Steph, I’m sorry,’ he said, shaking his head.

‘Sorry?’ I said, pulling away. ‘Why?’

‘Your mother’s heart stopped twice in the ambulance. The first time the paramedic stabilised her, the second time your mother was gone for twenty minutes.’

‘Gone? But she’s okay now, right?’

‘Your mother is in a coma.’

‘Coma?’ I said, shaking my head. ‘But a heart could come tonight?’ I croaked, willing my legs to stop aching, and turned to Janice.

Janice shook her head. ‘No, Steph, I’m sorry.’

‘Listen, please,’ begged Dad, ‘it’s too late.’

I released my venom on Janice. ‘This shouldn’t have happened! Why didn’t my mum get a second chance?’

‘Stop, Stephanie,’ ordered Dad. ‘It’s not Janice’s fault, people die.’

The air left my body. ‘Die,’ I whispered.

‘Glenn,’ said Janice, making her way to the door, ‘stay, take as long as you need.’

‘Thank you,’ said Dad.

It was suffocating to accept that my mum was in a coma.

‘Dad, I want to see Mum.’

I didn’t want to believe that my mum wouldn’t wake up, but the whooshing sound of the life support pushing air into her lungs, the paleness of her skin and the coldness of her hand confirmed that she wasn’t coming back. I reached beyond the tubes and lines attached to her body and hugged her one last time.

When Dad knocked on Dr Wong’s door, I froze. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop my body from shaking. ‘I can’t go in, Dad,’ I said, and turned to Aunt Cass.

‘You don’t have to agree to donate your mother’s organs,’ she said.

Mum’s heart and lungs weren’t in good shape, but her other organs were young and healthy. ‘I know,’ I said, exhausted, ‘but I also know that this is what my mum wanted.’

Richard was leaning up against our front door when we arrived home.

‘Mr Conner,’ said Richard. Dad patted Richard’s shoulder, opened the door and kept on walking.

Aunt Cass reached out and held Richard. ‘Steph’s exhausted,’ she said, releasing him. ‘Try not to be too long.’

‘Steph, I just came to say that I’m sorry, we all are.’

‘Thanks,’ I said, avoiding eye contact.

‘Do you want to talk?’

‘I need to be …’ I gestured down the corridor to Dad and Aunt Cass.

‘Yeah, of course. I just wanted to see you.’ He kissed my cheek. ‘I’ll call you later.’

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

I sat up in bed with one of Mum’s many photo albums on my lap, and heard movement outside my door. ‘I’m awake,’ I called.

Dad walked in and sat on my bed. I handed him the album and waited for him to open it. We gazed at a photograph of Mum when she was pregnant with me. ‘It was taken a week before you were born,’ he said, touching it as if he wanted to be closer to her. ‘She insisted that I take her for a picnic at Box Head. We had to track a kilometre through the bush to get to the headland. I thought that she was going to go into labour.’

‘Good thing you’re a vet,’ I said, and managed a smile.

Dad placed the album back on my lap. ‘Steph, you can’t stay in your room forever. Would you like me to arrange an appointment with Dr Ferguson?’

‘There’s no need,’ I said, tying my hair in a knot. ‘I know what’s wrong with me. I’m not up to facing anyone yet. I just need a bit more time.’

‘You’ve been cooped up in here since the funeral, and that was over a week ago. Your mother wouldn’t have wanted this. If you don’t want to go back to school, I get it, but the sooner you accept that life must go on, the easier it’ll be. Maybe come to the zoo and spend some time with me.’

‘Dad, I miss Mum so much it hurts.’

‘I do too, but I need you. We need each other.’