Giving to self – self care and all that jazz

What comes first? The chicken or the egg?

You know that saying that we have to apply our own oxygen mask before we can help others? I think that’s true. But sometimes, it helps me to get the flow, energy, prana or chi moving when I’m in a downward place or spiral by giving to someone else. Then I feel good and can turn the energy around to give to myself.

And after all, when giving to others, we’re giving to self, right?

So my conclusion is that, again, there needs to be an even flow of give and take, but if there isn’t an intrinsic, deep-down love and appreciation of self, the giving can come across as inauthentic or it can deplete us.

Self care is something that hasn’t come naturally to me since those earlier teenage years with anorexia. But it’s not my fault. It’s no one’s.

I think we’re born with a natural inclination to care. We’re here for connection and a huge part of that connection is made up of caring for self and one another. But somewhere along the way, the care can become confused. What was once clear becomes clouded with competition.

Let’s start with what self-care really is.

If a hot bath with Epsom salts after a decadent massage comes to mind – I reckon you’re only part way there. Self-care goes way beyond pampering, eating nourishing food and taking your vitamins.

Self-care is…

Forgiving yourself when you screw up.

Loving yourself when you’ve had your heart broken.

Self-soothing on those long dark nights.

Feeling your way through tricky emotions without numbing yourself with alcohol, drugs, food or sex.

Choosing mentally uplifting and conscious conversation over gossip.

Self-care cultivates the following qualities….

Expansiveness

Love – the deep, deep kind (for self and others)

Integrity

Confidence

Clarity

Expressiveness

‘Groundedness’ or stability

Certainty

Self-care refuels rather than drains us.

And this is where that oxygen mask analogy can come in handy. For those of us who ‘care’ for others for a living, there can be a tendency to over-care, to the detriment of our own health.

I’m talking nurses, doctors, yoga teachers, charity workers, parents or guardians (females are particularly susceptible), community workers and so on. When we give more to others in this role, without giving back consciously to self, we begin to frazzle, wilt and burn out, big time.

Giving can become an addiction, a form of busy and another numbing mechanism for dealing with what’s going on. We can tend to bury ourselves in our dharma or life’s work as a way of running from our own ‘stuff’.

My good mate and business partner, Benny, lost his mum to cancer. Around the anniversary of her death there’s always an extra tenderness to him. He reflects, honours and remembers her, without fail and once, when I was going through my own burn-out, told me he thinks the reason the ‘dis’-ease got the better of her in the end was because there was an imbalance in the give-take. She spent too much time giving. But never to herself. She had six kids to look after and was a nurse, always nurturing others. I’ve always remembered that and thought that, if I want to be able to keep ‘giving’ through my dharma of teaching yoga, I need to be able to self-care. Regularly.

For sustainability in our chosen form of service, we must give to self. It means getting better at saying ‘no’ with conviction and clarity and it means constantly re-assessing what it is to be balanced, physically and energetically.

Self-care can start with designated and disciplined rituals such as yoga practice, hot baths, morning meditations and nourishing meals. The effects then seep out into other aspects of life such as integrity in words (taking care that they aren’t harming those around you); self-soothing when you know you’ve been triggered; and choosing to love yourself even in the middle of a break up, or other situations that might make you doubt your worth. These are all choices: choices to care and stay ‘at home’ in the body, rather than choosing escape and avoidance.

Self-care is the springboard for self-respect.

Self-care is the act of grounding and getting clear in the body – knowing your worth. And it allows you to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.