Chapter 42

Frankie knew they saw her. She’d been sitting in her car for long enough that she’d seen the curtains on the windows pull back more than once. She just needed a minute to not feel like a pathetic hanger-on. Third wheel? No. She felt more like a square wheel. The tap on her driver’s window made her squeal and jump. Carter was looking at her through the glass, his mouth a flat line, but his eyes amused, pleased. He went around the hood and opened the passenger door, letting the cold and himself in.

“You coming or going?” He shut the door and leaned against it. Was it impossible for him to look older? It hadn’t been that long.

“How are you?” Frankie unhooked her seatbelt and turned to face him. She rubbed her palms on her jeans and told herself it was stupid to feel nervous.

“I’m fine. You?” She laughed at the tone of his voice, which said he recognized how very stupid this conversation was, considering she was hiding out in her car rather than inside visiting like she’d arranged.

“You look older,” she said.

“Technically, I am older. But it’s only been two weeks since we saw you,” he said. He looked out her windshield at the snow that settled like soft tears on the glass. When he turned to look at her again, his eyes sincere, she had to bite her lip to keep from crying.

“It’s okay, Frankie.”

She shook her head, stupidly dislodging the tears. “It’s not.”

“It is.” Now Carter shook his head. He stretched an arm out to tap his hand on the dashboard and she used the moment to wipe her eyes. “You were willing to change your lives for us. You were willing to keep us.”

“But I lost you instead.”

He gave an exasperated sigh that made him sound older than she thought he looked.

“You didn’t lose us. You gave us a home. If you hadn’t let us stay, we would have been on the street. You let us stay and it led to this,” he said, his voice low but heated, full of more emotion than she’d ever heard from him. He hooked his thumb toward the house. “They’re really cool, Frankie. They’re good people. I mean, they ain’t you. I haven’t read a Cosmo article since we got here but they’re good people.”

She laughed and sniffed inelegantly. “I want you guys to be happy.”

His hand found hers, covered it and squeezed. “We are. I wish we could have stayed with you but this is good. I feel like,” he stopped, let go of her hand, and returned to staring out the window.

“Like what?” She saw the curtain move again but she didn’t want to rush him. Or herself.

“Like if I can actually pull myself together enough to do something with my life, I feel like they’ll be okay. I mean, Trav’s gonna be okay no matter what. But school didn’t matter, you know, because I wasn’t about to go anywhere. But you and Ryan acted like it mattered if I do something with my life.”

“It does!”

He laughed and met her eyes again. “Don’t get all fired up. I know. But I didn’t before. I didn’t think about anything other than making sure they didn’t have to live this life forever. But you came along and now we all get a chance. I can have a chance because Miles will be okay here.”

The tears started again and even though he groaned when she pulled him into a hug, his arms squeezed around her.

“It’s okay, Frankie.”

This time, she believed him and thought, maybe it just might be. For them.

“Go fish,” Miles said, an impish smile on his face. Jamie, Nelson and Sue’s son, fished out a card that made his smile match Miles’s. He set down his cards, showing five fours.

“I’m getting my butt kicked. Do you have any queens?” Frankie said, pursing her lips to one side. Travis and Carter were playing Xbox, shouting at each other or the screen emphatically. Sue and Nelson had said they needed to do some Christmas shopping and asked if Frankie would mind sticking around. She suspected they were doing it for her, but she wasn’t about to say no.

“Where’s Ryan?” Miles handed her a queen.

“I don’t know actually. We kind of broke up.” The shouting from the living room stopped. She turned to see Travis and Carter staring at her, their screen characters standing still, heaving as they stood toe to toe.

“That stupid ba—”

“Carter. It’s okay.” Her statement cut off his words but clearly not his anger.

“You break up because of us?” Travis didn’t meet her gaze when he asked this. She set her queens down.

“We broke up because Ryan is scared of feeling too much. He got scared. When you boys grow up, don’t run scared. Stand up for what you want, even if you know that getting it might hurt,” she said.

Travis locked eyes with her, and she wondered what he was thinking.

“Now we aren’t gonna get to be his best man,” Miles said, a pout forming.

“What’s a best man?” Jamie asked, chomping into an apple he pulled from the fridge.

“Miles, Ryan really cares about you guys. My not being with him doesn’t change that.” She mentally crossed every part of her body she could, hoping that what she said was true, that he wouldn’t just walk away from them the way he’d walked away from her.

“He hasn’t been at practice,” Carter said, drop-kicking her wish. Maybe she should have let Carter call him a bastard. But she couldn’t be responsible for Ryan’s decisions. She had no control over his relationships. Clearly.

“I think he might actually be out of town. I haven’t seen his truck in a week. I’m sure he’ll be back. He may not want a relationship, but he’s got no trouble committing to baseball. He’ll finish what he started,” Frankie said, studying her cards more than necessary. At least this, she was sure of. She didn’t want to wonder where he was. Who he was with. If he’d stay. If she’d ever feel like she mattered like she had for that short period of time.

Travis and Carter went back to their game but Frankie had lost her focus. She had to believe that Ryan wouldn’t let Carter down. She worried that his scale was balanced too precariously to put any more weight to one side. Before Frankie could address the fact that the tone of the room had shifted, Nelson and Sue came in, laughing noisily, packages and bags weighing them down.

“Hide your eyes, boys,” Sue called out as they came into the kitchen. Miles and Jamie put their heads down. Carter and Travis didn’t bother to look away from the television. Frankie hoped they wouldn’t always be so cynical. She smiled at Sue and Nelson and the excited looks on their faces. Sue shifted her bags to Nelson’s hands and unbuttoned her jacket.

“We bought everything,” she said, a flush riding up her face. She wasn’t so much pretty as she was just very pleasant to look at, with her happy eyes and rounded cheeks. She made Frankie want one of her mom’s hugs.

Nelson smiled and nodded at her, holding up the bags. “I need to go hide these.”

“I believe it,” Frankie said, piling up the cards. The boys lifted their heads and asked to go play.

“Why don’t y’all go play? Before the weather turns. Bundle up first. Travis, Carter, you two take them down to the park and keep an eye on them, all right?” Sue posed it as a question but the expected response was clear. Frankie smiled when both boys got up, Travis shutting down the game, and Carter ruffling both Miles’s and Jamie’s hair as they went to get their coats and boots.

“You want a cup of tea?” There was nothing to indicate Frankie was intruding, absolutely nothing. Her eyes burned. She didn’t know if it would be harder to walk away or try to stay a part of their lives, even a small one.

“I’m good, actually. I should go. Thank you for letting me visit. We had such a nice time and I...” she paused to take a deep breath and smooth out her voice, “I really appreciate you letting me see them.”

Sue plugged in the kettle and reached her short arms up for a cup. She set it down, leaning against the counter, waiting until Frankie’s eyes met her own warm ones.

“Frankie, I want to tell you I’m sorry for how things worked out. I know how hard it can be and I’m happy you took us up on the offer to stay part of their lives,” she said. Frankie put the cards down and stepped closer.

“Thank you. That means a lot. What really matters is that they’re happy, and they are. “

Frankie wanted to ask how many times she’d been through this, taken in kids, opened her heart, and had them leave, taking a piece of her with them.

“It’s worth it, you know. I mean the fostering, even if they can’t stay,” Sue said, like she’d read Frankie’s mind. “It’s hard to let them go, but you feel good about it too, if you know they’re leaving for something better. Not to say we’re better. You did right by them, Frankie. Better than right. They love you and where they live and where they go isn’t going to change that.”

“I don’t know how you can do it over and over,” Frankie admitted, looking down at her polka-dot socks.

“Because what you get from it overrides the hurt. The difference you can make is bigger than the hole that’s left when they go. It doesn’t get easier, I won’t say that. But you start to realize your place in their journey. It’s okay if it’s temporary because it matters. To them and to you.”

Frankie’s chest felt tight and she had the urge to crawl back into bed.

“They made a big difference to me. I came here thinking I had no real purpose. They made me feel like I did.” Frankie hadn’t meant for the words to make Sue wrap her in a huge hug.

“Aw, sweetheart. We all have a purpose. You matter to those boys and you’re going to keep mattering. None of us are going anywhere.” Frankie was too tired to fight how good it felt to have Sue’s arms wrap around her, comfort her. She hugged her back and tried to paste a smile on her face.

“Thank you,” she sniffled.

Nelson came back into the room, the boys trailing behind him, as the women pulled apart. Frankie blinked rapidly, hoping she didn’t look like she was crying.

“I told them to be back in an hour for dinner and the tree. We’re going to take our tree out and decorate. You want to stay and help, Frankie?” Nelson’s smile was so genuine, it warmed the room. It made her smile in return. For real.

“You put it up before Thanksgiving? I thought my mom was festive. But I can’t, thank you, though. I should get home.” She would only push her way so far into the lives of others. She recognized boundaries, even if she didn’t want them. She squatted down and gave Miles a hug, looked into those brown eyes that melted her and smiled.

“You be good okay?” He nodded, his hands resting on her shoulders.

“Will I see you before Christmas?” They both looked up at Sue and Nelson.

“Of course you will, sugar. We’ll work something out,” Sue said without hesitation. Frankie stood and made Carter and Travis both hug her. They scrunched their faces predictably, but their arms tightened noticeably when she stepped into each one of them.

Sue ushered Frankie down the hall and as Frankie started to bundle up, she spoke in a quiet voice, “You ever think of respite care?”

Frankie looked up from buttoning her jacket. “The weekend stuff? For other families? Not really. Not yet.”

“Well, Nelson and I were wondering how you’d feel about doing respite for the boys. We like to do something with just us and Jamie once a month. Make sure he’s getting the one-on-one time he needs. Would you be willing to think about it?”

Frankie felt real happiness crowd her chest, not the fake kind she’d plastered on her face for the last several days. “Yes. Absolutely. I think that would be fantastic.” It was a start. It was a step forward and a connection. It was one more chance to move forward.

They said their goodbyes and as Frankie let her car warm up, she watched the boys pick up snow and toss it at each other. Carter looked back as they got smaller and gave a slight wave. She was glad he was too far away to see the wetness in her eyes.

“Pull yourself together,” she said, her breath visible. She eased out onto the slushy road and turned the music up loud. She had a lot to be thankful for and it was time to start pulling herself out of the slump she’d been in.

“More than time,” she said. Thoughts of Ryan and missing him tried to creep in but she made herself sing along to the music, drowning him out. At least for the moment.

When she got home, she had messages from Leslie and her mom. Determined to move forward, she made a list of what she would need to host a wonderful Thanksgiving. She had visions of inviting the boys and Sue and Nelson. Would Ryan be around for the holidays? He had a family of his own. He certainly didn’t need her. She put the pen down and listened to her own stuttering breaths. Stop it. Stop.

Her parents would come for Christmas. By the New Year, she’d be refocused. She loved her house, this small town, and she’d started to feel part of something, like she mattered. She did not need Ryan for any of that. Regardless of how much she still wanted him or how much she felt like she would never be completely whole without him.